Passive aggressive behavior and BPD.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Passive aggressive behavior came up in posts last night and several folks said, "We should start a thread on that!"

So, here it is. I don't see it in the glossary above, but let's all save some typing and call it PA for this thread.

PA behavior courtesy of Websters: being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way (as through procrastination and stubbornness)

My BPDw will get mad at me for perceived hurts, as most pwBPD do. But because she is not sure of her emotions, she is not sure if she should really be mad at me. This manifests as PA behavior. She will not come right out and say what is bothering her because deep down she knows she should not be mad, but at the same time, she cannot let it go. So, she is secretly mad at me and takes it out in ways that seem like she is just acting out to push me away and make me mad.

A perfect example would be when she recently stood me up two weeks in a row for a planned date night. When I asked her why, she said it was because I did not leave work to go to the ultrasound with her and apparently did not want to spend time with her, so why should she want to spend time with me? I do recall not being able to leave work to meet her at the OB/GYN's office... .in 2005. At the time, she said she understood that though I wanted to be there, we had a second child on the way and needed the money. Now, 10 years later, she brings it up like it happened yesterday and that it was never resolved.    

So do you experience PA with you SO? How do you deal with it? Do they bring up things from last year? Last decade?  

     

[Cole]

Passive aggressive behavior came up in posts last night and several folks said, "We should start a thread on that!"

So, here it is. I don't see it in the glossary above, but let's all save some typing and call it PA for this thread.

PA behavior courtesy of Websters: being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way (as through procrastination and stubbornness)

My BPDw will get mad at me for perceived hurts, as most pwBPD do. But because she is not sure of her emotions, she is not sure if she should really be mad at me. This manifests as PA behavior. She will not come right out and say what is bothering her because deep down she knows she should not be mad, but at the same time, she cannot let it go. So, she is secretly mad at me and takes it out in ways that seem like she is just acting out to push me away and make me mad.

A perfect example would be when she recently stood me up two weeks in a row for a planned date night. When I asked her why, she said it was because I did not leave work to go to the ultrasound with her and apparently did not want to spend time with her, so why should she want to spend time with me? I do recall not being able to leave work to meet her at the OB/GYN's office... .in 2005. At the time, she said she understood that though I wanted to be there, we had a second child on the way and needed the money. Now, 10 years later, she brings it up like it happened yesterday and that it was never resolved.    

So do you experience PA with you SO? How do you deal with it? Do they bring up things from last year? Last decade?  

     

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

Hello cole,

Yes PA is something that my h does ( and so do I at times especially around my family ).

My understanding of it within the context of my h's illness is that when he was growing up it was unsafe for him to express negative emotions within his family.( Not dissimilar to mine own FOO dynamics.) So he had to find a way, an outlet for dissent that would meet a need to express it somehow. In his childhood he took a very deviant oppositional path, one that seriously challenged his very middle class but dysfunctional family. He has chosen a similar path just recently also, but that's another post.

My h can be stubborn, oppositional, negative, forgetful, defiant in his inability to express how he feels. What I find very challenging about PA behaviour is the feeling that it generates in me which is anger, which of course is the desired result. His anger mixed with my anger at his behaviour is hard to sit with and not be triggered into a fight. Which is also another vehicle  my h can attach his uncomfortable feelings to.

My h's favourite passive aggressive behaviour, if I have unwittingly upset him about something, is to smoke out of the bedroom window. Even typing it fills me with irritation! It took me a while to stop reacting to it (something waverider wrote about pwBPD knowing this will trigger you and possibly escalate things to an argument which is the desired outcome ) I had to manage the anger in me, hold on to it, let it pass and get on with my day. Oh it was and still is very difficult to sit with that angry feeling, but that is what I have chosen to do.

I don't engage in any aspect of PA with my h as it arises because it so easily becomes a vehicle for dysregulation. Me challenging his PA is like sating my need to fight it out, I don't want to do that. It doesn't work for me.

It is worth noting that a large part of PA behaviour is unconscious in that my h isn't aware he is unable to express his frustrations and resentments in an appropriate way. I don't believe he thinks "I'm going to smoke out the window now because it will really p my wife off!" This dysfunctional emotional process I can see is hidden from him. Sometimes at a later date he might have a moment of clarity, but usually he needs to create the negative feeling in me because it is too risky for him to express it himself.

And yes my h can bring things up from when he was in his mothers womb and make it relevant to how he feels and behaves in the here and now.

[Sunfl0wer]

My h can be stubborn, oppositional, negative, forgetful, defiant in his inability to express how he feels. What I find very challenging about PA behaviour is the feeling that it generates in me which is anger, which of course is the desired result. His anger mixed with my anger at his behaviour is hard to sit with and not be triggered into a fight. Which is also another vehicle  my h can attach his uncomfortable feelings to.

My h's favourite passive aggressive behaviour, if I have unwittingly upset him about something, is to smoke out of the bedroom window. Even typing it fills me with irritation! It took me a while to stop reacting to it (something waverider wrote about pwBPD knowing this will trigger you and possibly escalate things to an argument which is the desired outcome ) I had to manage the anger in me, hold on to it, let it pass and get on with my day. Oh it was and still is very difficult to sit with that angry feeling, but that is what I have chosen to do.

I don't engage in any aspect of PA with my h as it arises because it so easily becomes a vehicle for dysregulation. Me challenging his PA is like sating my need to fight it out, I don't want to do that. It doesn't work for me.

It is worth noting that a large part of PA behaviour is unconscious in that my h isn't aware he is unable to express his frustrations and resentments in an appropriate way. I don't believe he thinks "I'm going to smoke out the window now because it will really p my wife off!" This dysfunctional emotional process I can see is hidden from him. Sometimes at a later date he might have a moment of clarity, but usually he needs to create the negative feeling in me because it is too risky for him to express it himself.

And yes my h can bring things up from when he was in his mothers womb and make it relevant to how he feels and behaves in the here and now.

I relate to a lot of this, I highlighted by making bold.  Thank you for explaining it! I didn't think of how this is a tool for him in the way that you describe so well.

So do you experience PA with you SO? How do you deal with it? Do they bring up things from last year? Last decade? 

-He moves in an angry way: fast, bangs things louder than usual when he is cooking/cleaning.

-late for dinner

-late from work when it is not necessary

-won't text me that he will be running late, as he usually does, or he will wait until the last min to txt me

-short/curt/business-like replies to my texts of affection

-with holding affection such as a smaller peck goodbye than usual, or rushing out the door

-less available for Us time, like not having time for breakfast, or eating separately in living room

-texting when eating, texting instead of talking

-changing the topic when I seem to be discussing something meaningful to me

-ignoring me trying to have conversation and he acts like he didn't hear

-getting up and leaving mid conversation (not even stressful talks, just me talking about anything)

-"forgetting" to get groceries, to clean up after himself

-"forgetting" to be considerate

-coming to bed late, watching TV for a long time and it is loud

-getting out of bed fast in am.

-"forgets" to include me in important decision making

This was always a hard one for me to deal with.  I often tended to ignore him because like sweetheart said, it was likely to lead to a fight.  I think when he is doing that he really wants a fight so he can get that anger outside of himself.  However, the problem with ignoring it is that his PA behavior would escalate and it is clear he is trying to get me to react, so he would eventually do something that would "force" me to respond/engage. Such as leaving a knife out unsafely in the kitchen, or clearly annoying my S by inventing a chore that he needs to do, thus confusing S by contradicting instruction I gave S earlier.

Typically the result was... .

1. Most likely, an argument, thus he being successful at creating tension outside of him.

2. Ignoring him worked (but rarely ) as his mood could pass.

3. Even more rare, I have asked him if he had stress about something.  He would actually open up about something at work or something between us, and it would get resolved. (It did happen, it was rare!)

! No! He never brought up anything from a decade ago!  How awful!  But then again who knows, we were only together 5 years so he couldn't.  Maybe he was secretly saving it up and waiting for 5 more years to pass?

[Hmcbart]

I read this a few days ago on the "Out of the FOG" website. It pretty much describes one of the passive aggressive behaviors of my wife. Others include but are not limited to: with holding affection, intimacy, and sex. Criticisms, belittling, put-downs, and sarcastic comments in front other people... .the list is longer but I'm sure you get the picture.


Silent Treatment- A passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse in which displeasure, disapproval and contempt is exhibited through nonverbal gestures while maintaining verbal silence.

Description:

The silent treatment is a common way of displaying contempt for another individual while avoiding confrontation about that contempt or without giving the target of the contempt an opportunity to resolve the issue or dispute. The goal is typically to invoke FOG fear, obligation or guilt - in the mind of the target individual.

Note that just being quiet or declining to have a conversation is not the same thing as the SIlent Treatment. Many times, exiting a conversation is a healthy and constructive thing to do as part of a conflict resolution strategy, to exit a circular conversation, to escape verbal abuse or just to compose yourself.

[Rockylove]

Do they bring up things from last year? Last decade?  

     

Only ALL THE TIME!    I have to laugh because I can't bring anything up from the past, but he can beat that ever loving dead horse over and again.  I have to shake my head and walk away.

[sweetheart]

Hi all,

I like this link

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/what-is-passive-aggressive-behaviour

[Cole]

And yes my h can bring things up from when he was in his mothers womb and make it relevant to how he feels and behaves in the here and now.

Wrap your head with duct tape so it will not explode before you read this... .Best one I dealt with is when I finally drug out of her why she was mad at me last summer. It was because I did not ask her out or date her in high school. So, I reminded her we graduated in the 80's from different high schools, two states apart, and did not meet until 1999. She then explained that she was mad because even if we had known each other in HS, I would not have asked her out anyway.

Another trait I have to view as quirky and entertaining so as to keep my sanity.        

Only ALL THE TIME!    I have to laugh because I can't bring anything up from the past, but he can beat that ever loving dead horse over and again.  I have to shake my head and walk away.

Yep! What she did yesterday is the past. What I did 10 years ago is fair game. I think they live in a time warp of some sort... .

Silent Treatment- A passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse in which displeasure, disapproval and contempt is exhibited through nonverbal gestures while maintaining verbal silence.

My mother in law will post some PA comment on wife's FB page then refuse to talk to her for months. Why? Who knows. She never says.

Wonder why my wife is so messed up? Because she learned at the foot of the master.

[Notwendy]

This reminds me of when my mother got angry at my brother for the pain "he caused her' in labor with him. He was a big baby. I guess I should consider myself fortunate that I was a small one.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

PA behavior courtesy of Websters: being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way (as through procrastination and stubbornness)

Not sure if it counts as PA, but it can take my uBPDw an hour of complaining before she will finally state "well, what I really wanted to say is I felt unattractive because we were watching that TV show and that girl looked great in that blue dress... ."

Of course by this time I'm pulling my hair out and we've addressed 12 of her other feelings that are a mile down the river to what triggered the whole thing.

So do you experience PA with you SO? How do you deal with it? Do they bring up things from last year? Last decade? 

Not yet... .only because we haven't been together for a decade yet (although she does bring up 35 years ago that I never asked her out in high school... .)