pwBPDs never grow up at all?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's funny when I reflect on my r/s with my exBPDgf. See my first post for a background story. When I think of it, I realize how much I changed throughout our r/s.

In the beginning of it, looking back, I was really immature and childish, with no real experience regarding romantic love. We were like two children in the beginning. As I matured, and as our (or rather, my) love matured, our r/s got progressively worse. I learned to deal with conflicts, I questioned my own behavior (of becoming upset, angry, sad etc) to the point of changing myself. I stopped becoming angry with her, I started to sit down and try to resolve things in a more calm manner.

The interesting part is, the more I matured, the more I felt like I was dealing with a child. She never grew up. She's still the same (not 100% but not far from it). Reflecting on it, I think a big part of our r/s failing was that I grew up and she didn't, because I wouldn't let her project her chaos onto me anymore - she had to carry it on her own. And she couldn't handle that, so our r/s broke down.

Can anyone else relate to this? What are your thoughts?

[LonelyChild]

It's funny when I reflect on my r/s with my exBPDgf. See my first post for a background story. When I think of it, I realize how much I changed throughout our r/s.

In the beginning of it, looking back, I was really immature and childish, with no real experience regarding romantic love. We were like two children in the beginning. As I matured, and as our (or rather, my) love matured, our r/s got progressively worse. I learned to deal with conflicts, I questioned my own behavior (of becoming upset, angry, sad etc) to the point of changing myself. I stopped becoming angry with her, I started to sit down and try to resolve things in a more calm manner.

The interesting part is, the more I matured, the more I felt like I was dealing with a child. She never grew up. She's still the same (not 100% but not far from it). Reflecting on it, I think a big part of our r/s failing was that I grew up and she didn't, because I wouldn't let her project her chaos onto me anymore - she had to carry it on her own. And she couldn't handle that, so our r/s broke down.

Can anyone else relate to this? What are your thoughts?

[going places]

Yes.

My ex has (imho) arrested development.

Meaning he quit maturing at age 13.

We had children young (early 20's).

I grew up, he didn't.

He still, hasn't.

He reasons like a 13 year old. He is selfish like a 13 year old.

He thinks taking his index finger, poking a female in the butt and asking her if she wants to "do it" is romantic.

He does not have the ability to communicate. He doesn't compromise (because that means he "loses"

He has temper tantrums, like Cat 5 temper tantrums when the Steelers loose... .or any other team or driver, or rider he is rooting for looses. Like screaming stomping swearing fits at the TV. THEN is in a pissy mood all day.

He never matured or developed. He never went from 'boy to man'.

Neither did his dad.

Trust me when I say, that I have been working, teaching, training my son NOT to repeat this generational curse.

I always said "jokingly" that I had 3 kids but was raising 4... .

Looking back, that was a very accurate statement.

Except my 3 kids grew up... .matured... .and ex is still "13"

[LonelyChild]

... .

It is very peculiar how they are unable to learn from experience. I'm trying to wrap my mind around it but I just can't. What would it be like to be told "do not do x, x will hurt." Then I do x and it hurts. And again, and again. And not be able to stop myself. What does the world look like from that perspective? I will never know.

My exBPDgf had had 2-3 long relationships before me. I had had none. If she had matured through her earlier r/s, she would never have found any interest in me. Because I was so immature and childish. She's gone through the same crap many times over, and she's just unable to change.