Difficult decision...

[gomez_addams]

So I'm actually at the crossroads on whether to ask for a long-term separation, pursue a divorce, or have my uBPDw come back to live with me.

It kills me to know that divorce is probably the best option.  She's impossible to discuss anything serious with.  SET, not JADEing, etc... .

I have an appointment with my therapist this week.  I think it's time to consult a lawyer.  I don't want to get divorced, and I do truly love my wife... .but I don't see any way to make this work in a way that I stay mentally and emotionally healthy, let alone happy.  And while I'm proud of the progress she's made on her eating disorder, her inability to discuss substantial topics without shifting the blame to me (or someone/something else), minimizing the problem, or simply denying things that took place mean that in the near future there can never be any resolution to anything.

I'm sure some of you -- whether you left, stayed, or are still straddling the fence -- have been at this junction before.

Any advice?  Any tips on the decision making process?  Any tips on keeping my sanity over the next few days/weeks/months?

Thanks in advance,

Gomez

[Michelle27]

I am still straddling the fence so I can't help you with a decision.  I can tell you that the priority needs to NOT be wishing her behavior would change, but changing your own.  Not just behavior but your perspective on her behavior.  After many years of taking so much of my uBPDh's behavior so personally, internalizing it and losing myself in the process while getting stuck in the FOG, I am working on my own self esteem, boundaries and working on making a decision on whether I can do this for the long term or not.  For me, it has nothing to do with his behavior anymore, it's whether I can get past the pain of the behaviors of the past (and my own reactions to them).  I also have to work on getting past my own regrets at tolerating everything I have (even though I know I did the best I could with what I knew at the time) and being able to be open after so many years of needing to shut myself down emotionally.  It's refreshing to not be so affected by his behaviors, yet also this is difficult for me, because as far as I can understand, being in a relationship that's healthy does require some vulnerability and openness, but I'm not there yet. 

[Aurylian]

Even if you do go the divorce route, that does not necessarily mean you won't get back together under healthier circumstances.  I know many couples who got divorced, worked on their issues, then remarried.  If it is an option I think it is often better for us in these relationships to be able to create some space and then work on our side.  After that if we still want to get back together we can for healthier reasons.  It's just that it isn't really an option for most.  In my case I have three healthy kids who would be devastated and a BPDw who would be quite vindictive in her attempts to be the good one.

[gomez_addams]

Even if you do go the divorce route, that does not necessarily mean you won't get back together under healthier circumstances.  I know many couples who got divorced, worked on their issues, then remarried.  If it is an option I think it is often better for us in these relationships to be able to create some space and then work on our side.  After that if we still want to get back together we can for healthier reasons.  It's just that it isn't really an option for most.  In my case I have three healthy kids who would be devastated and a BPDw who would be quite vindictive in her attempts to be the good one.

My wife has a friend that reconciled after a divorce, and she had commented to me that she felt that it's supposed to work that way.  I'm not opposed to the idea.

But for now, I realize even more so after talking to a trio of friends (separately, they don't know each other) that I really do need some serious time to work on myself.  And with the spectre of her coming back, that isn't going to happen in the substantial way that it needs to.

Gomez

[Aurylian]

But for now, I realize even more so after talking to a trio of friends (separately, they don't know each other) that I really do need some serious time to work on myself.  And with the spectre of her coming back, that isn't going to happen in the substantial way that it needs to.

If that needs to happen, what can you do to make it happen.  You do have choices and control.  It doesn't mean it will be easy.

[gomez_addams]

But for now, I realize even more so after talking to a trio of friends (separately, they don't know each other) that I really do need some serious time to work on myself.  And with the spectre of her coming back, that isn't going to happen in the substantial way that it needs to.

If that needs to happen, what can you do to make it happen.  You do have choices and control.  It doesn't mean it will be easy.

It definitely won't be easy.  But as someone on another thread said, without my oxygen mask I'm unable to help anyone else.  Although I'm thinking I need a parachute LOL.

Met with my therapist today.  Very productive (he's well versed in BPD).  I need to re-read a book tonight, specifically the chapter titled, "Into Action"... .  that's helped me in the past.

Gomez

[Aurylian]

Good job.  Sounds like you are on the right track.

[Loosestrife]

But for now, I realize even more so after talking to a trio of friends (separately, they don't know each other) that I really do need some serious time to work on myself.  And with the spectre of her coming back, that isn't going to happen in the substantial way that it needs to.

If that needs to happen, what can you do to make it happen.  You do have choices and control.  It doesn't mean it will be easy.

It definitely won't be easy.  But as someone on another thread said, without my oxygen mask I'm unable to help anyone else.  Although I'm thinking I need a parachute LOL.

Met with my therapist today.  Very productive (he's well versed in BPD).  I need to re-read a book tonight, specifically the chapter titled, "Into Action"... .  that's helped me in the past.

Gomez

What's the book called?