Okay, i have to translate -this:
"We talked about this. When I call you drop what ever it is you are doing and respond imediately."
is really:
I demand you drop whatever is happening to always be instantly available no matter what problems or inconveniences and regardless of whether it is even possible or not, and if you don't I will make you pay.
I'm sure the "we talked about this" part happened when she was on a roll and it wasn't really a two way discussion and agreement.
So question for you Cipher - when she is making these very unreasonable demands and then later honestly punishing you for not meeting said impossible to meet demands - how do you react? I ask because at times I know I'm like a deer in headlights. The verbal assault is just bewildering sometimes and I have no idea what to say or how to react. At least I have no idea what kind of productive reactions I could do or say to lead to any kind of mutually agreeable, mature adult, grown up, grounded in reality type solution that is respectful of both parties. And the reason for that is because there is no reasonable resolution because I'm not dealing with a reasonable adult. I'm dealing with an overgrown child having temper tantrum.
What I've found is I had to work out in advance how I would start reacting to such occurrences, and rehearse it. I had to realize during such moments, I had to stop trying to be reasonable with her and I had to start protecting myself. I had to realize I wasn't going to have a two way, give and take discussion and workout a reasonable compromise or solution to an issue with her. She wasn't trying to work out reasonable. She was trying to control and dominate and punish.
I had to have a battle plan ready to enact ahead of time. Once I started having a preset determination, I could follow my game plan. And it generally degenerated into telling her "NO" I won't do that and holding my ground as she dysregulates. And separating myself from her when I needed to based on her getting too out of control.
Then final time it happened, she decided she'd rather end things instead of grow up. She'd rather end things and walk away because I'm now so "disrespectful" that I won't allow her to honestly abuse me. I told her don't the door hit her in a$$ on the way out, nothings keeping her here.
In your case, though, you have the option to remove yourself so she can't keep abusing you. All you have to do is summon the courage to walk out. Take it in steps. :)on't answer the phone if you are busy or just don't want to talk. Ignore the barrage of calls of texts. Or even respond at some point that there will be no response until she calms down. Which we know will only enflame her further.
I've done it before where I just dind't go home. I stayed at a friends, and have gotten hotels before and just ignored the phone meltdown until she eventually passed out from being exhausted in her mania.
Get yourself an escape bag prepared that has everything you need for a night in a hotel and getting to work the next day without going home. And when you need to, leave. :)on't engage, just tell her "No" you won't do or agree to or with whatever crazy thing she is accusing you of, tell her she's wrong and to stop treating you like this. When she loses it, you walk out right then. You don't speak, you don't do anything except leave.
I know you've said she's blocked you from leaving before. I used to even make sure I had my keys, phone, and wallet in my pocket when I knew there was an incident coming, that way she couldn't block my access to them. If she blocks the front door, go out the back. If she blocks the driveway, drive over the grass. Or better yet, park on the street in advance, or somewhere that there are multiple ways to drive off.
and when your done, and you've gotten away, think about everything you had to do to prepare to get away and protect yourself, all the pre-planning, and ask yourself if you should have to do that in your marriage? in the aftermath, how crazy and messed up is it the extents you just had to go to in order to not be abused? and then ask yourself how much more craziness you want in your life and what do you need to do bring some peace to yourself?
