Im BPD- but was she? Long but good read... (view from the other side... )

[bpdguy]

Hi everyone- I've been frequenting these boards for the last few weeks. Ive self diagnosed myself as BPD over that time, though a formal diagnosis should be coming soon. This not only makes sense of my recent feelings/actions but my life in general overall. I believe most of my abandonment symptoms and symptoms in general go largely into remission and only transpire when in a relationship-type situation. Luckily for me Ive only had these situations twice in my life- unluckily for me, one of those times happens to be now. on a side note: Ive read some of the stories on here, and think What the heck. You have every right to be angry at your ex at times- though in some cases it does seem harsh. We are not all the same- the turmoil of BPD is crazy, but it genuinely depends on the BP on how they deal with things. BPDs who have generally caused many of you hurt intentionally undoubtedly live in a deep sense of unhappiness, so i do feel in cases seeking revenge is usually not necessary- though yeah can understand the desire for this. I like to think we all generally will get what we deserve (as hard as it seems to accept at times, even for me at this moment).

Ill just tell all a bit of my relationship history and me in general. Im 30 and a British Asian male living in the UK- live with my parents, my brother and his wife. I suffered from emotional and physical abuse from my dad a lot as a child, bullying quite a bit and possible sexual abuse at the hands of a teacher (not 100% sure on this one, will be explained later). I studied a lot- did 2 degrees (including my masters), and did well in academics. Never really had a plan for the future/jobs wise. Lived for gambling, one night stands, binge drinking- somewhat in moderation. At 22 I got involved with a 32 year old mother of two (started of as a ONS and then friends with benefits and eventually a relationship). Yes after a night out with her I started painting her 'black' (she didnt consider a peck on the lips with a friend cheating). I started distancing myself and focusing on my life much more, a few months later starting my masters. Incidentally she certainly has issues herself of course.

Did my masters while continuing with my life and became a writer from home after this (not really pursuing a formal job). I could see during these times, my BPD mood swings but I largely took them out on my beloved brother (angry outbursts and general aggressive intent). I continued to see this woman, only when jealous tendencies were sparked. But simultaneously cheated on her with a ONS (I know but karma got me anyway). It was definitely a case of me not wanting her after and pushing her away and she was broken when she found out I had cheated. But when this worked and I got what I wanted and she wanted to split, I went loopy (abandonment trigger I believe).

I could not get my head around this at all, why I felt like this. I sunk into a depression so deep that I really am shocked I survived (and thats all I thought it was). Stalker tendencies, turning up at her house, saying I'd marry her, and obviously found out she had lined up somebody to sleep with. Yes I do believe she was probably Borderline too on reflection, mood swings, chaos, addictive tendencies, etc.

2 months of practically me being bed ridden followed... .my family couldn't figure what was up. Eventually I discovered a therapy called Hypnoanalysis-it was during this that I found out that I had potentially been sexually abused. (This is a tip for you rich people out there with a BPD partner you want to stay with -hypnoanalysis is a hit and miss expensive therapy Ive later learned because I gave it a shot later with no success, but if you can afford to risk this then it could work). Within 7 sessions I wasnt just back to normal, I was way happier than normal. I regret in hindsight not completing the recommended 12 sessions because at the time I had belief in it and it was probably the chance to resolve more of my issues.

Life continued with me undoubtedly becoming a better person- the therapy had released a huge deal of anger. Writing, gambling, ONS and drinking-though still all under control to a degree. This was up until 3 years ago. My dads abuse has always been there- I decided I needed a change and booked a solo trip abroad, staying in a hostel.

I had found a new purpose with traveling- I loved it. Subsequently every chance i got I traveled . Gave me a purpose made me happy. I was happy when I was/am traveling for sure, meeting people being the main source of this I guess, the culture, everything. And yes women of course.

Recent times: my last trip started in august 2014. My gambling became compulsive on this trip and I was certainly becoming reliant on alcohol too.

The girl: I met her in october on this trip, in a bar and slept with her the following night after I met her. She was an exchange student in the country. Very clingy, I wanted to just have a short term fling and continue my travels after 5 days... .but i ended up sticking around for her. She quickly asked me to stay with her, so I checked of the hostel and hung around hers alot more. It became a relationship of sorts and I treated her extremely well- very romantically which she had never experienced (Idealized). I wont lie she also treated me well.

6 very intense weeks passed I still didn't want anything defined, but it was on a night out when she said she didn't consider 'kissing cheating' and quickly kissed a friend that things deteriorated (only 2 weeks ago i decided to confront her on this, and she was hurt-saying it was her being drunk and foolish with a friend, and for such a small thing I threw all we had away, that if id told her she would have done anything to make it up to me). But with my 'self created' playboy image I couldnt tell her how much it hurt. Did I deserve this still? Anyway I quickly decided I needed to get home and sort out my own issues-there was no long term future here. She was in tears when I left, and I was upset too when I got back. We kept in touch even though our relationship remained undefined and was somewhat relieved when she said we should stop talking cause she missed me too much. Then she decided to fly to the UK to see me- I was somewhat missing sex so I agreed to meet her and had a great weekend. Still refused to admit any feelings or define anything. I started having issues once her messages became less and less frequent and yes I began to cope by gambling and drinking more- not functioning at all. Yes I now find myself in debt while living on benefits. My life is a mess- typical BPD.

Its only after I realised that my abandonment issue is the problem here that im able to see im BPD (and when she told me on facebook shes seeing someone else and it started so soon after her visit to me possibly, it was a dagger in my heart). But she also used me for emotioinal support while propelling herself into another relationship. I ask is she BPD by the sound of things? Theres certainly an esteem issue there for sure, cause I figured she always needs a guy there in her life.

Clearly the sort of person I am now, I hurt myself more than others I guess. However at present I do feel very sorry for my family having to put up with my self pity. Yes the mood swings are crazy, but thankfully im directing my anger inwards or silently at the girl- though mainly Im just hurt and devastated as opposed to angry.

I do wish my pain would subside at times, and feel I am making some progress sometimes. Nonetheless most of my days are spent in bed- ifs and buts... .'if only i hadn't gambled my last winnings, I could find a way to ease my pain... temporarily... take another trip'. Yes in a borderline phase, I accept immaturity is high, as is the sense of entitlement.   

Yes I am crazy lonely and hardly functioning at this moment, alot of the time. And believe me when we feel pain, non-BPDs really couldnt understand it. This was a six week romance, very intense... .yet im still somewhat messed up almost months later. I know I did not love this girl (or actually Im not sure whether Im capable of loving given what i've read, though I feel like I am these days- I really do think I have a huge heart I really do feel, if nothing else).

Absolutely any advice/views/opinions are appreciated- on anything from me to the situation to the girl. Am not too sure about anything as you can imagine, and yes suicide is regularly cropping up in my mind- as borderlines know, anything to ease the pain. Yes Ive been gambling and alcohol free for almost 3 weeks now... .but yeah coping is hard. I do hope I get through this cause despite many of my sins, I really like to think these days Im a decent person.

Nonetheless, hopefully somebody can get something useful from this post- and see a borderlines viewpoint. Much Love all x

[bpdguy]

Nobody wants to respond to me  :'(

[hurting300]

Nobody wants to respond to me  :'(

you should seriously read my first post and tell me what you think... .

[JRT]

I don't think thats the case... .wait a bit... .

But my question is : I thought the treatments were effective?

[bpdguy]

Nobody wants to respond to me  :'(

you should seriously read my first post and tell me what you think... .

Just read it. She's for sure BPD... .this is how I acted with the first girl. Im sorry to hear by the way my friend

[bpdguy]

I don't think thats the case... .wait a bit... .

But my question is : I thought the treatments were effective?

Hi thanks for the response. The treatment I had 5 years ago was for depression... .I did not think I was BPD. Though practitioners of hypnoanalysis say it can cure anything (some say its a scam-i have my doubts to about its effectiveness, though it worked for me at the time). The depression lifted and I stopped going- its expensive treatment. I also functioned OK, albeit not 'normally' and occasionally mildly depressed- i did a few sessions a couple years ago and it didnt do a thing for me. It was effective in the sense it saved my life at the time and for sure reduced many of my awful characteristics. Particularly anger issues. However, clearly im not fully cured and understand now the issues were bigger than depression. Again up until a few weeks ago, I thought I  was depressed cause of my gambling- but I believe its co occurring with BPD.

I never got involved with a woman after this emotionally, until this latest girl... .having plenty of one night stands before. And now I recognize many of my behaviours are that of BPD... .albeit not overly psycho now to the experience many of you have had with some ex partners. These days I seem to hurt myself more, i treated that girl amazingly well as I say (idealized). I really cannot say how things would have turned out... .cause idealized phase was as far is got. Albeit the hater phase has cropped up now and I keep splitting (though NC for now).

[hurting300]

I don't think thats the case... .wait a bit... .

But my question is : I thought the treatments were effective?

Hi thanks for the response. The treatment I had 5 years ago was for depression... .I did not think I was BPD. Though practitioners of hypnoanalysis say it can cure anything (some say its a scam-i have my doubts to about its effectiveness, though it worked for me at the time). The depression lifted and I stopped going- its expensive treatment. I also functioned OK, albeit not 'normally' and occasionally mildly depressed- i did a few sessions a couple years ago and it didnt do a thing for me. It was effective in the sense it saved my life at the time and for sure reduced many of my awful characteristics. Particularly anger issues. However, clearly im not fully cured and understand now the issues were bigger than depression. Again up until a few weeks ago, I thought I  was depressed cause of my gambling- but I believe its co occurring with BPD.

I never got involved with a woman after this emotionally, until this latest girl... .having plenty of one night stands before. And now I recognize many of my behaviours are that of BPD... .albeit not overly psycho now to the experience many of you have had with some ex partners. These days I seem to hurt myself more, i treated that girl amazingly well as I say (idealized). I really cannot say how things would have turned out... .cause idealized phase was as far is got. Albeit the hater phase has cropped up now and I keep splitting (though NC for now).

Why would she completely cut contact and not say anything for a year now? We have a baby. She just drives by my house when I'm gone. And buddy, your gonna get better. I'm sure of it because your taking the steps.

[bpdguy]

Nobody wants to respond to me  :'(

you should seriously read my first post and tell me what you think... .

And by the way I know she has hurt you my friend- but the pain of a BPD is amplified. Some people think that they are happy to be like this and treat people like this... .but believe me she is miserable no matter what she says and does (I know this is no benefit to you my friend, but im just saying).  She drives by your house like a BPD... .shes crazy and in immense pain. I was this crazy before 5 years ago, but not as bad now I think. She cannot make sense of her own behaviour or what she wants- this is how we are.

I read your first post, but what happened after?

[bpdguy]

I don't think thats the case... .wait a bit... .

But my question is : I thought the treatments were effective?

Hi thanks for the response. The treatment I had 5 years ago was for depression... .I did not think I was BPD. Though practitioners of hypnoanalysis say it can cure anything (some say its a scam-i have my doubts to about its effectiveness, though it worked for me at the time). The depression lifted and I stopped going- its expensive treatment. I also functioned OK, albeit not 'normally' and occasionally mildly depressed- i did a few sessions a couple years ago and it didnt do a thing for me. It was effective in the sense it saved my life at the time and for sure reduced many of my awful characteristics. Particularly anger issues. However, clearly im not fully cured and understand now the issues were bigger than depression. Again up until a few weeks ago, I thought I  was depressed cause of my gambling- but I believe its co occurring with BPD.

I never got involved with a woman after this emotionally, until this latest girl... .having plenty of one night stands before. And now I recognize many of my behaviours are that of BPD... .albeit not overly psycho now to the experience many of you have had with some ex partners. These days I seem to hurt myself more, i treated that girl amazingly well as I say (idealized). I really cannot say how things would have turned out... .cause idealized phase was as far is got. Albeit the hater phase has cropped up now and I keep splitting (though NC for now).

Why would she completely cut contact and not say anything for a year now? We have a baby. She just drives by my house when I'm gone. And buddy, your gonna get better. I'm sure of it because your taking the steps.

Yeah Im not sure, I think im a good guy now as I say- I really cannot say what I would be in later stages of a relationship, but yeah loyalty is now something (as noted from my story, Ive still not been with another girl).

Are you contacting her? Who has the baby? Its a shame about baby, but again typical BPD trapping behavior.

I suspect if she sees another girl at your house, she would go mental. It really is a case of she doesnt want you but nobody can have you.

ps. I meant shame about baby in the way, she/he needs both parents

[hurting300]

Nobody wants to respond to me  :'(

you should seriously read my first post and tell me what you think... .

And by the way I know she has hurt you my friend- but the pain of a BPD is amplified. Some people think that they are happy to be like this and treat people like this... .but believe me she is miserable no matter what she says and does (I know this is no benefit to you my friend, but im just saying).  She drives by your house like a BPD... .shes crazy and in immense pain. I was this crazy before 5 years ago, but not as bad now I think. She cannot make sense of her own behaviour or what she wants- this is how we are.

I read your first post, but what happened after?

nothing buddy... .She has not said one word in almost a year. Nothing. I'm thinking I'll never see her again. She even deactivated her Facebook... but she turned it back on a few months ago and she still has all the "I love you" stuff about me up. So confusing.

[bpdguy]

Nobody wants to respond to me  :'(

you should seriously read my first post and tell me what you think... .

And by the way I know she has hurt you my friend- but the pain of a BPD is amplified. Some people think that they are happy to be like this and treat people like this... .but believe me she is miserable no matter what she says and does (I know this is no benefit to you my friend, but im just saying).  She drives by your house like a BPD... .shes crazy and in immense pain. I was this crazy before 5 years ago, but not as bad now I think. She cannot make sense of her own behaviour or what she wants- this is how we are.

I read your first post, but what happened after?

nothing buddy... .She has not said one word in almost a year. Nothing. I'm thinking I'll never see her again. She even deactivated her Facebook... but she turned it back on a few months ago and she still has all the "I love you" stuff about me up. So confusing.

Ok. I would suspect she has another victim- seriously you want to stay away, i was as messed up and am still worried about myself I guess, but yeah im sure im not like that now, just seriously hurt and depressed. I know how BPDs are... .we are not all like her. Some are the most loyal partners you will ever meet- even staying in abusive relationships to avoid abandonment. In connecting with lots of BPD's over the last few weeks, I've seen both sides. We are definitely extremes. Very loyal or very disloyal... .your girl sounds like the latter. She definitely playing games with you. I know its hard but I would advise you not too look.


Do you ever see the baby?

[hurting300]

Nobody wants to respond to me  :'(

you should seriously read my first post and tell me what you think... .

And by the way I know she has hurt you my friend- but the pain of a BPD is amplified. Some people think that they are happy to be like this and treat people like this... .but believe me she is miserable no matter what she says and does (I know this is no benefit to you my friend, but im just saying).  She drives by your house like a BPD... .shes crazy and in immense pain. I was this crazy before 5 years ago, but not as bad now I think. She cannot make sense of her own behaviour or what she wants- this is how we are.

I read your first post, but what happened after?

nothing buddy... .She has not said one word in almost a year. Nothing. I'm thinking I'll never see her again. She even deactivated her Facebook... but she turned it back on a few months ago and she still has all the "I love you" stuff about me up. So confusing.

Ok. I would suspect she has another victim- seriously you want to stay away, i was as messed up and am still worried about myself I guess, but yeah im sure im not like that now, just seriously hurt and depressed. I know how BPDs are... .we are not all like her. Some are the most loyal partners you will ever meet- even staying in abusive relationships to avoid abandonment. In connecting with lots of BPD's over the last few weeks, I've seen both sides. We are definitely extremes. Very loyal or very disloyal... .your girl sounds like the latter. She definitely playing games with you. I know its hard but I would advise you not too look.


Do you ever see the baby?

No, I've not seen my baby since she disappeared. Silent treatment since...

[bpdguy]

Nobody wants to respond to me  :'(

you should seriously read my first post and tell me what you think... .

And by the way I know she has hurt you my friend- but the pain of a BPD is amplified. Some people think that they are happy to be like this and treat people like this... .but believe me she is miserable no matter what she says and does (I know this is no benefit to you my friend, but im just saying).  She drives by your house like a BPD... .shes crazy and in immense pain. I was this crazy before 5 years ago, but not as bad now I think. She cannot make sense of her own behaviour or what she wants- this is how we are.

I read your first post, but what happened after?

nothing buddy... .She has not said one word in almost a year. Nothing. I'm thinking I'll never see her again. She even deactivated her Facebook... but she turned it back on a few months ago and she still has all the "I love you" stuff about me up. So confusing.

Ok. I would suspect she has another victim- seriously you want to stay away, i was as messed up and am still worried about myself I guess, but yeah im sure im not like that now, just seriously hurt and depressed. I know how BPDs are... .we are not all like her. Some are the most loyal partners you will ever meet- even staying in abusive relationships to avoid abandonment. In connecting with lots of BPD's over the last few weeks, I've seen both sides. We are definitely extremes. Very loyal or very disloyal... .your girl sounds like the latter. She definitely playing games with you. I know its hard but I would advise you not too look.


Do you ever see the baby?

No, I've not seen my baby since she disappeared. Silent treatment since...

seriously my friend you probably do have to let it go for your own sanity. Im sorry to say. Its harder for her than you... .cause we are messed up in our minds, and cant decide- the emptiness we feel at times is awful (obviously for me personally I have only really felt emptiness like this on 2 occasions). Splitting. Your suffering from depression Id guess?

[hurting300]

Actually, I'm feeling fine lately. Mild anger... it's going away. I just want that one phone call.

[bpdguy]

Actually, I'm feeling fine lately. Mild anger... it's going away. I just want that one phone call.

Ok im glad to here that my friend. Peace of mind- at this moment Id give my hand for that. A phone call to say sorry? I hope you get it- though if im honest I really dont see how it will be just one phone call, if it comes it will be a barrage of calls.

[JRT]

 Albeit the hater phase has cropped up now and I keep splitting (though NC for now).

[/quote]
are you able to share any insight regarding what prompts your to split and paint black and vice versa?

Glad that you are self aware and are taking steps to doing better... .you'll get there.

[hurting300]

Actually, I'm feeling fine lately. Mild anger... it's going away. I just want that one phone call.

Ok im glad to here that my friend. Peace of mind- at this moment Id give my hand for that. A phone call to say sorry? I hope you get it- though if im honest I really dont see how it will be just one phone call, if it comes it will be a barrage of calls.

it's been a year, I'll probably never hear from her.

[Haye]

To comment the original question:

I've been told that BPD's very often end up with others like them (by my exBPDbf, he read it somewhere). He couple of times suggested that I might have a BPD as well, but that was more him projecting his own issues on me than what i am/was (and i've heard similar has happened to many other non's living with a BPD SO). My ex seems to fall with the type of girls who are not okay. Usually all girls he sees more than once have depression or an anxiety/social phobias, or an eating disorders, or bad alcoholism (or all of them). He has one schizophrenic ex, but says that her type is too much to handle :D.

I met my ex when i was struggling, trying to get over my father's death and other losses like marriage that didn't work, i had physical ailments etc so I was pretty depressed and vulnerable. I would give you the same advice i've seen people give the non's mourning after lost love: I doens't matter if she was BPD or not. You need to recover, heal from the loss and concentrate on healing yourself. It is a long process, with all the stuff you have gone through.