Confronting my husband about BPD

[Omie]

My husband functions beautifully socially and at work. He is also a wonderful father in many ways. But to me, I know there is a serious disorder. It has been 15 years of trying to solve  inconsistancy, rage, manipulation, self affliction, self created confusion, denial, etc. There have been many sparks of light along the way in which he sees himself alittle bit. But now he has a therapist who vvalidates his and he believes with a complete heart that I am the source of all our marital problems. I need support and I need direction. Do I keep trying to confront him with the hope that he can see himself or give up and get a life. We have three kids and I love his many good qualities and his dedication to me and the family.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdEthyl]

Hello and welcome!


First of all, I'm sorry you are suffering. We all know what it's like to be in a r/s with pwBPD. The very first piece of advice I try to give newcomers is do NOT try to talk to them about their BPD, it will cause rages. pwBPD have incredible amounts of self-loathing and shame, and bring up 'imperfections' will cause him to lash out to protect himself.

The second piece of advice is to say take the time to read the lessons here, and do NOT let him know about the website. Same reason.

What I want to tell you is you are not alone, and we are all here to support each other The biggest hurdle is learning how to communicate with our pwBPD in an effect manner and not taking their dysregulations personally. For a pwBPD, feelings=facts, and what they say they believe at the time... .but that can change within minutes.

What exactly does he think is your fault?

[formflier]

 

Welcome to BPD family.  We can help.

Couple of quick thoughts.

The therapist may be "validating" your husbands feeling that "it's all your fault"... .vice agreeing with him.

Is this your husbands therapist?  Or a joint MC (marriage counselor). 

Can you take some time and write out what a "confrontation" with your husband looks like... .lots of detail will help.

ColdEthyl has pointed you to the lessons... .that is a great place to start... .post questions back here... .

Looking forward to your next post!  You are in the right place!