In response to a viewer who challenges Palmatier's claim, that BPD is on a sociopathic spectrum... .Palmatier: You know, look, I could say the same thing about the men and women I work with who get confused when they go to websites like bpdfamily.com - ha, ha, ha - where they're taught to play radical acceptance and that their spouses can't help abuse them and that they need to do a better job of not triggering their abuse.
The viewer does make a valid point and makes it earnestly -
Palmatier is making bold and unsubstantiated claims. Fact check: Studies show that ASPD overlaps with BPD in women 9% of the time (link here). It is generally known that Palmatier has not studied nor treated these disorders professionally - in the video she didn't recognize the ICD 10 term
"emotionally unstable personality disorder, borderline type" which is the term used in the country where she went to school. In her response, she avoids the viewers question about attributing ASPD traits to all people with BPD - rather she questions the viewer's diagnosis (and laughs at her) and then she mocks MArsha Linehans "
radical acceptance" and those that teach it (and laughs more).
In this clip, Palmatier implies that "
radical acceptance" is about accepting abuse. Even though its not a very credible claim, I feel obligated to clarify as
"radical acceptance" is an awkward term and is often misunderstood. I struggled to understand it myself when I first heard it.
"Radical acceptance" means to accept reality as it is, not as you wish it to be - to
"see your partner for who they are, not who you idealize them to be". It has nothing to do with accepting abuse. If your partner is an abuser, radical acceptance would mean to see them as they really are - and not to see a false image or hold onto hollow promises - and set expectations and make decisions based on that. Fact check: Here is a transcript of Marsha Linehan's discussing the term she coined, radical acceptance (
link here).
I do respect the male speaker's statement in the video that
people with BPD need to understand that if they don't get themselves into treatment and get better they will end up alone. Society could use a stronger public message of self accountability with this disorder like we have with drugs, drinking, bi-polar, etc.
He makes a valid point. I can personally get behind this part of the message.
I struggle to see the value in the whole warfare, linking the disorder to anti-feminism, and putting large groups of people down - therapists, people with disorder, family members helping them, helper organizations like ours. Does it fuel change or divisiveness?
- are the message bearers undermining their own credentials and influence?
- is the style too dark for any mainstream endorsement?
- is creating super villains and monsters making the men who have been rejected from one of these relationships feel more like "victims" and wanting retribution?
- is this an effective practical preventative warning? Painting people with personality disorders as super monsters suggest that they are easily detected. Most people who get into these tragic romantic relationships are drawn to the emotional style of the person with personality disorder traits - the red flags are subtle and often aren't seen in the fog of infatuation and sincerity that is characteristic of these relationships early on - maybe even for a year or two. People with clinically diagnosable BPD are a small subset of this group and frankly, pretty obvious.
- is the message sophisticated enough to influence people with traits of the disorder? Certainly excusing the person with the illness doesn't encourage self-awareness and accountability - nor does stigmatizing them as it fuels denial.
The answer to my questions about "warfare" differs if you are looking at this as an effort to galvanize a men's social movement (fuel feelings of injustice) or as a mental health initiative (improve public heath).
Is a men's social movement a good idea? Yes. There are some serious issues with family court, law enforcement practices in domestic violence, etc.
Should this issue (mental health) be a plank in that platform? It doesn't seem like a good fit to me... .
I think its unfortunate these things (relationship failures, social issues) are crossing over for some folks. I fear some will be distanced from the self-awareness needed to learn and grow from a major relationship failure. Love is a series of trials - if we learn from each trial, we grow to get it right.
