Her feelings, thoughts, opinions are more important than mine

[Reecer1588]

I am just getting myself worked up tonight in a fit of righteousness. Sorry if this post comes across that way. I was reminded of an aspect of my former relationship that always bothered me, BPD or not. And at the time, without any awareness of BPD, this exact thing always bothered me.

Everything that my ex had to say, her feelings, her emotions, her criticisms of me (I'm immature, clingy, overbearing, I disrespect her, belittle her, earlier in the relationship I: Didn't text her enough, ignored her, seemed distant) were always the priority!

I'm a pretty laid back guy as it is. I really don't stress over the minutia like she does. I didn't care if occasionally she did something that did bother me. That's just the kind of person I am. But sometimes, I did want to have my feelings addressed. Sometimes I wanted some support from what was supposed to be the girl that loved me.

But almost every single time (with a few exceptions) I criticized her, told her my feelings, or expressed an opinion I had, she would turn either: Angry, or aloof and distant.

I hated having my feelings be less of a priority than hers.

I understand that a Borderline's emotions are sometimes so intense, that they can not even make room for yours. But I needed to write this out.

Who else feel sick and tired of always receiving silence or anger whenever you had something to say?

Questions

In your relationships, did you find that your feelings seem to take a back seat to his/hers?

Were your thoughts/opinions/criticisms of him/her or the relationship constantly belittled or totally ignored?

Is this a common trait for someone with BPD, or does it just describe any emotionally immature person?

Who relates with my thoughts here?


Thanks



Reece

[eeks]

Reece, I understand this temptation to dissect the relationship.  I did it, and I was only in a brief relationship with a uBPD.  And, it also sounds like you are still in a lot of pain over what happened, and maybe you need to process that before you can move on to learning from what happened to help yourself both grow as an individual, and start a new healthier relationship.  I can't dictate that timeline for you. However, I believe you could spend hours a week for years and probably still would not figure out what is going on with her. 

Being able to reciprocate empathy is a necessity for a healthy adult relationship.  Sure, there will be times when one person is less able to give, and ends up taking more than they give (stress or personal crisis, for example), and when you love someone, you're not keeping score, but both parties need to feel that things are fair.

Your ex is responsible for her behaviour, of course, but you must have known at least somewhat even before this relationship that you want to be with someone who can listen to your feelings, yet you ended up with a woman who cannot.  So how did you end up choosing someone who cannot?

Even if you declare to yourself "Empathy is important to me, my next relationship will be with someone who can listen to my feelings and we can have constructive discussions about the relationship", there could be some unconscious pull towards women who can't do that (family of origin issues, beliefs about "what you deserve" and "what you can expect in life", etc.)  That's why it's so important to do the self-awareness work.

[Reecer1588]

Reece, I understand this temptation to dissect the relationship.  I did it, and I was only in a brief relationship with a uBPD.  And, it also sounds like you are still in a lot of pain over what happened, and maybe you need to process that before you can move on to learning from what happened to help yourself both grow as an individual, and start a new healthier relationship.  I can't dictate that timeline for you. However, I believe you could spend hours a week for years and probably still would not figure out what is going on with her. 

Being able to reciprocate empathy is a necessity for a healthy adult relationship.  Sure, there will be times when one person is less able to give, and ends up taking more than they give (stress or personal crisis, for example), and when you love someone, you're not keeping score, but both parties need to feel that things are fair.

Your ex is responsible for her behaviour, of course, but you must have known at least somewhat even before this relationship that you want to be with someone who can listen to your feelings, yet you ended up with a woman who cannot.  So how did you end up choosing someone who cannot?

Even if you declare to yourself "Empathy is important to me, my next relationship will be with someone who can listen to my feelings and we can have constructive discussions about the relationship", there could be some unconscious pull towards women who can't do that (family of origin issues, beliefs about "what you deserve" and "what you can expect in life", etc.)  That's why it's so important to do the self-awareness work.

I really appreciate your response. You are right. And I ended up choosing someone who can't empathize well because I have seriously low confidence with girls, although I'm working on that.

Hope you have a good night


Reece

[CloseToFreedom]

In your relationships, did you find that your feelings seem to take a back seat to his/hers?

Yes, absolutely. I could express myself when she was in a good mindframe, but if she had any negative feelings, those would always be more important. Whenever I would talk about my feelings that somehow could be intended as negative points about her personality, she would claim I was controlling, jeloush, or a dramaqueen. However, she could talk about her feelings and critisize me whenever she liked. Truly a double standard.

Were your thoughts/opinions/criticisms of him/her or the relationship constantly belittled or totally ignored?

Yep. In the end it made me ignore her opinions and thoughts about me and the relationship as well. Which ensured our downfall. I don't feel bad about that anymore because it wasn't fair that my opinions didn't matter and I should constantly listen to her opinions.

Is this a common trait for someone with BPD, or does it just describe any emotionally immature person?

Could be both to be honest.

[Blimblam]

Reece yeah I felt invalidated and worthless for a while at the end of the rs.  When ever I tried to explain things to her she would dysregulate and it became pointless I started to become frustrated and gave up kind of which she felt as abandonment further driving her irrational fears while I remained unheard and feeling the relationship was not reciprocal.  It was like pouring my soul into a cup with a crack at the bottom leaking untill I had nothing left for myself.

Being heard and feeling understood became a central theme for me as well.

[Reecer1588]

Reece yeah I felt invalidated and worthless for a while at the end of the rs.

I had never experienced feelings of complete and utter worthlessness until the end of my relationship with my ex. I hope I can live another 100 years, and in that time, I never want to feel so worthless again.

It was like pouring my soul into a cup with a crack at the bottom leaking untill I had nothing left for myself.

I never understood the poet until I went through this.

That's why it's so important to do the self-awareness work.

Every day. Thanks for the advice. 

[rg1976]

Reece,

Am I the only one who has experienced just flat out being ignored?  I don't mean she doesn't want to talk for a bit, but I mean: Trying to have a conversation, like with a normal person.

The dialog goes back and forth.

Statement, reply, statement, statement, reply, questions... a normal discussion.

With her it was like this:

Me: Statement, or questions, expecting a reply.

Her:  Silence.

Me:  Waiting... .

Her: Something else, totally different topic, mostly about her or her day.  Like what I said didn't exist.

When I asked her about it, she completely ignores it.  It's like my words literally do not compute.  I don't know if this is intentional or not, but it gives me a terrible feeling.

I have learned to simply not speak unless spoken to or talk about a topic without her bringing it up.  It's the exact opposite of having a relationship with someone.  It was totally insane, and I am insane for staying in it for so long.

[Reecer1588]

Am I the only one who has experienced just flat out being ignored?  I don't mean she doesn't want to talk for a bit, but I mean: Trying to have a conversation, like with a normal person.

If there's one thing I miss about my ex not hating my guts (painting me a deep shade of black) it was the long conversations, sometimes much-a-do about nothing, that I could have with her.

Certainly I can not say 'everyone' in response to your question because I'm one person.

My thread had more to do with whose opinions/feelings were the priority in the relationship: And those were always hers.

Finally, whenever I put criticism back on her: she would either: Rage, or act cold and aloof. Really no way of telling which one she'd respond with.