He's already married after 4 months b/u...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

I'm sad and angry and losing my way to forgiveness so i just want to come up here sharing and blabbing.

It has been 6 months after i cancelled our wedding then found out he cheated (he said he cheated because i cancelled the wedding), 4 months after our official b/u, 3 months of the last recycle (because i found out he had moved in with my replacement since the day i kicked him out of my apartment) and 1 month of NC. I blocked him everywhere... .email, fb, chat apps... .went for therapist... .went out with friends... .really enjoyed my time in Japan.

Then i decided to unblock him yesterday... .in thought i was ok now and it was  unnecessary to keep him anywhere in my account. I didn't check his FB though, didn't want to.

However, also yesterday, FB sent me a notification that someone had logged into my account in Japan from an Iphone 5C... .I knew it was him because he uses Iphone 5C and is the only one in Japan or the entire world knew my password. I changed password but couldn';t help wondering about him. So what should happen happened... .i came to his FB... .and saw my replacement has changed her last name to his. So basically, they are married... .4 months after our b/u.

I have kept his good image and memories when we were together so i could trigger forgiveness but now i feel like all of that were a lie, a BIG LIE! and i don't know how to forgive him anymore... .even considering the fact that he might have BPD... .

I know it's stupid of me that i shouldn't do what i have done but... .and now I'm lost again... .

Thank you for listening

[hoaianhcameron]

Hi all,

I'm sad and angry and losing my way to forgiveness so i just want to come up here sharing and blabbing.

It has been 6 months after i cancelled our wedding then found out he cheated (he said he cheated because i cancelled the wedding), 4 months after our official b/u, 3 months of the last recycle (because i found out he had moved in with my replacement since the day i kicked him out of my apartment) and 1 month of NC. I blocked him everywhere... .email, fb, chat apps... .went for therapist... .went out with friends... .really enjoyed my time in Japan.

Then i decided to unblock him yesterday... .in thought i was ok now and it was  unnecessary to keep him anywhere in my account. I didn't check his FB though, didn't want to.

However, also yesterday, FB sent me a notification that someone had logged into my account in Japan from an Iphone 5C... .I knew it was him because he uses Iphone 5C and is the only one in Japan or the entire world knew my password. I changed password but couldn';t help wondering about him. So what should happen happened... .i came to his FB... .and saw my replacement has changed her last name to his. So basically, they are married... .4 months after our b/u.

I have kept his good image and memories when we were together so i could trigger forgiveness but now i feel like all of that were a lie, a BIG LIE! and i don't know how to forgive him anymore... .even considering the fact that he might have BPD... .

I know it's stupid of me that i shouldn't do what i have done but... .and now I'm lost again... .

Thank you for listening

[LonelyChild]

How sane does it seem to get married 4 months after a breakup? Do you honestly think it's going to last? He's going to cheat on her as well, they're going to divorce and it's going to start over again. Give it some time and you will see I'm right. Read the numerous threads on here. It's always the same thing.

[Infared]

Hi all,

I'm sad and angry and losing my way to forgiveness so i just want to come up here sharing and blabbing.

It has been 6 months after i cancelled our wedding then found out he cheated (he said he cheated because i cancelled the wedding), 4 months after our official b/u, 3 months of the last recycle (because i found out he had moved in with my replacement since the day i kicked him out of my apartment) and 1 month of NC. I blocked him everywhere... .email, fb, chat apps... .went for therapist... .went out with friends... .really enjoyed my time in Japan.

Then i decided to unblock him yesterday... .in thought i was ok now and it was  unnecessary to keep him anywhere in my account. I didn't check his FB though, didn't want to.

However, also yesterday, FB sent me a notification that someone had logged into my account in Japan from an Iphone 5C... .I knew it was him because he uses Iphone 5C and is the only one in Japan or the entire world knew my password. I changed password but couldn';t help wondering about him. So what should happen happened... .i came to his FB... .and saw my replacement has changed her last name to his. So basically, they are married... .4 months after our b/u.

I have kept his good image and memories when we were together so i could trigger forgiveness but now i feel like all of that were a lie, a BIG LIE! and i don't know how to forgive him anymore... .even considering the fact that he might have BPD... .

I know it's stupid of me that i shouldn't do what i have done but... .and now I'm lost again... .

Thank you for listening

What has caused your recent turmoil?  You have opened your doors and windows up and allowed the dysfunctional breeze to blow in all over you. That was a choice. I can see that you own that. ... .All you can do is close your doors and windows back up and move away from that consistently dysfunctioning person. They will continue to behave that way... .

All we can do is to accept and someday perhaps have true forgiveness (not fake forgiveness), but chances are we will receive absolutely no remorse, self-awareness or regret from that individual. We will have to reach our level of healing all on our own. You sound very aware of that, too.  In my case I got nothing in the way of closure from the other person... .just blame and abuse and rubbing in my face their connection with their new hero/perfect savior. (Whatever). 

Their sickness continues full steam... .all I can do is move away from it, heal and save me.

[downwhim]

"All we can do is to accept and someday perhaps have true forgiveness (not fake forgiveness), but chances are we will receive absolutely no remorse, self-awareness or regret from that individual. We will have to reach our level of healing all on our own. You sound very aware of that, too.  In my case I got nothing in the way of closure from the other person... .just blame and abuse and rubbing in my face their connection with their new hero/perfect savior. (Whatever). 

Their sickness continues full steam... .all I can do is move away from it, heal and save me."

The addiction (to them) will only cause more pain and ruin our lives. The draw is so tempting at times. Missing what was creeps in and says, "look at me, I am what you need, I came to tempt you again and trap you under my skin, I can hurt you and abuse you like something you have never felt before, I have my ways and I will put under my spell and watch you quiver. I will pretend to love you because I really don't know what love is. I will demand, command, lie, cheat, take off for awhile. Let's see how much you can take. Let's see how strong you are."   My opinion of how they think!

[Infared]

"All we can do is to accept and someday perhaps have true forgiveness (not fake forgiveness), but chances are we will receive absolutely no remorse, self-awareness or regret from that individual. We will have to reach our level of healing all on our own. You sound very aware of that, too.  In my case I got nothing in the way of closure from the other person... .just blame and abuse and rubbing in my face their connection with their new hero/perfect savior. (Whatever). 

Their sickness continues full steam... .all I can do is move away from it, heal and save me."

The addiction (to them) will only cause more pain and ruin our lives. The draw is so tempting at times. Missing what was creeps in and says, "look at me, I am what you need, I came to tempt you again and trap you under my skin, I can hurt you and abuse you like something you have never felt before, I have my ways and I will put under my spell and watch you quiver. I will pretend to love you because I really don't know what love is. I will demand, command, lie, cheat, take off for awhile. Let's see how much you can take. Let's see how strong you are."   My opinion of how they think!

My ex's favorite TV show was "Survivor" , DUH!  There is no love there... .only "do you have your game on?".  It's all about how can you manipulate, trick and deceive to "win".  I did not know that one day the curtain would go up in my life... .and there was my ugly, souless, sick partner.  I never had a chance... .I was not in on the "game".

[apollotech]

hoaianhcamero,

I am sorry to hear that you are going thorough all of this. I can tell by your writing that you are very hurt and confused by the actions of your exSO.

Please correct me if I am incorrect on this, but it seems to me that you have not accepted that the r/s that y'all once had is over and cannot be reestablished. Acceptance of a situation/thing/state/person/etc. is much different than understanding said situation/thing/state/person/etc. Acceptance is not about forgiving him or dismissing his behavior; it is about knowing him and his actions for who/what he is and his actions are.

IMVHO, acceptance comes when hope leaves. Do you still have hope that the r/s that y'all once had can be restored? This misplaced hope is often referred to as malignant hope or defensive hope. We use it defensively for ourselves to avoid the pain of letting someone or something (such as a relationship) go. This misplaced hope mires us in an untenable situation. It stops us from moving forward. Is this perhaps where you are at right now?

[clydegriffith]

This seems to be a common theme around here.

BPDx was "engaged" to two different guys in the span of a year post b/u. The last one is still around because she trapped him with a child (or at least she's saying it's his) but it's only a matter of time before that ends the only way it can; disaster.

[rickdeckard]

My ex got married about 7 months after our b/u, 3 months after her last contact with me still goiing on about how much she loved me, missed me, etc. I don't know the exact date she got mrried, I just saw her FB profile name get changed to the replacement's lastt name and both of their profiile pics became "happy couple". Then about 3 moths later the pics changed. Then she dropped his last name (maiden name only). Around January she put his last name back onto hers.About 2 weeks ago she had removed his name again (she pretty much weaponized FB while we were together in similar ways, mega game playing) and he is no longer on FB. I don't lurk their profiles, I just look at a page they have both commented/put likes on and see the names.

I have no idea what is going on beyond the name changes, I have no other form of contact - not even third party - and sure as heck DO NOT WANT any!

Seeing this last one triggered me big time - into about 30 seconds of giggling. Kinda how you do when you look back on any close call you had in the past. Just think, that could be me going through it all. But that is the only effect seeing her name has on me now.

No idea wht your ex is doing, OP, but from everything I have read here the replacement doesnt get treated any better than we did. No matter what kind of "happy couple" crud they publicly display.

[Vatz]

WOW my hacker's IP was from Japan also!

I know mine found a replacement within days if not even before the breakup. I suspect she was lining up a guy while I was out working. F*ck it.

He is your replacements problem. Yes, he will be a problem. Your "replacement" will probably have it worse as they're tying the knot.

It hurts and I know the blow it can be to the ego but... .

He's someone else's problem.

[JPH]

I'm sorry. We all know how it'll end up because he's a proven source of misery.

At least he's not your headache anymore.

[sun seeker]

Hello

 

  It really sucks you are having to deal with this. This is what happens when you stay in contact on any level.   This is a  "mirage" not marriage. It will fail with out a doubt , when and how time will tell. The only certainty is here is you. You can be ok , you can heal if you really want it. Being in contact will hinder your healing greatly. I wish you the best of luck.

[hoaianhcameron]

Hi all,

I'm sad and angry and losing my way to forgiveness so i just want to come up here sharing and blabbing.

It has been 6 months after i cancelled our wedding then found out he cheated (he said he cheated because i cancelled the wedding), 4 months after our official b/u, 3 months of the last recycle (because i found out he had moved in with my replacement since the day i kicked him out of my apartment) and 1 month of NC. I blocked him everywhere... .email, fb, chat apps... .went for therapist... .went out with friends... .really enjoyed my time in Japan.

Then i decided to unblock him yesterday... .in thought i was ok now and it was  unnecessary to keep him anywhere in my account. I didn't check his FB though, didn't want to.

However, also yesterday, FB sent me a notification that someone had logged into my account in Japan from an Iphone 5C... .I knew it was him because he uses Iphone 5C and is the only one in Japan or the entire world knew my password. I changed password but couldn';t help wondering about him. So what should happen happened... .i came to his FB... .and saw my replacement has changed her last name to his. So basically, they are married... .4 months after our b/u.

I have kept his good image and memories when we were together so i could trigger forgiveness but now i feel like all of that were a lie, a BIG LIE! and i don't know how to forgive him anymore... .even considering the fact that he might have BPD... .

I know it's stupid of me that i shouldn't do what i have done but... .and now I'm lost again... .

Thank you for listening

What has caused your recent turmoil?  You have opened your doors and windows up and allowed the dysfunctional breeze to blow in all over you. That was a choice. I can see that you own that. ... .All you can do is close your doors and windows back up and move away from that consistently dysfunctioning person. They will continue to behave that way... .

All we can do is to accept and someday perhaps have true forgiveness (not fake forgiveness), but chances are we will receive absolutely no remorse, self-awareness or regret from that individual. We will have to reach our level of healing all on our own. You sound very aware of that, too.  In my case I got nothing in the way of closure from the other person... .just blame and abuse and rubbing in my face their connection with their new hero/perfect savior. (Whatever). 

Their sickness continues full steam... .all I can do is move away from it, heal and save me.

Hi Infared,

I do take responsibility to open up to the dysfunctional breeze. I was triggered by him logged into my FB. How stupid i was... .but good thing is i feel OK and funny after just one day (normally, it took about 1 week to get over before). I'm WOWed of how good he is in manipulation and happy that i'm not affected by it anymore.

[hoaianhcameron]

How sane does it seem to get married 4 months after a breakup? Do you honestly think it's going to last? He's going to cheat on her as well, they're going to divorce and it's going to start over again. Give it some time and you will see I'm right. Read the numerous threads on here. It's always the same thing.

Hi Lonely Child,

I do think it's not going to last... .but on the second thought, i also think maybe it will lasts because he seems to excel being with her.

Working a freelance job instead of not trying to find any job when we were together and live depend on 500 euro his father sent every month

Going to the gym instead of sitting home waiting for me all the time

Going out without her instead of demanding me going out with him all the time eventhough my full time job here in Tokyo is very stressful... .

They are both photojournalist, he's French and doesn't speak Japanese, she's native and working for a big journal in Japan. He seems to have nice job offers since he's with her... .Bigger apartment in a fancy area of Tokyo... .just like he always wanted and said he felt like himself living in such fanciness... .he's more of himself living with her, not with me... .so maybe this going to last... .

[hoaianhcameron]

The addiction (to them) will only cause more pain and ruin our lives. The draw is so tempting at times. Missing what was creeps in and says, "look at me, I am what you need, I came to tempt you again and trap you under my skin, I can hurt you and abuse you like something you have never felt before, I have my ways and I will put under my spell and watch you quiver. I will pretend to love you because I really don't know what love is. I will demand, command, lie, cheat, take off for awhile. Let's see how much you can take. Let's see how strong you are."   My opinion of how they think!

That's what i thought at our recycles... .when he said he loved me forever but all i could see in his eyes are some weird... .thing... .like "I just pretend to say i love you because i want to screw your life up like you screwed my life" (He blamed me for screwing his life)

[hoaianhcameron]

hoaianhcamero,

I am sorry to hear that you are going thorough all of this. I can tell by your writing that you are very hurt and confused by the actions of your exSO.

Please correct me if I am incorrect on this, but it seems to me that you have not accepted that the r/s that y'all once had is over and cannot be reestablished. Acceptance of a situation/thing/state/person/etc. is much different than understanding said situation/thing/state/person/etc. Acceptance is not about forgiving him or dismissing his behavior; it is about knowing him and his actions for who/what he is and his actions are.

IMVHO, acceptance comes when hope leaves. Do you still have hope that the r/s that y'all once had can be restored? This misplaced hope is often referred to as malignant hope or defensive hope. We use it defensively for ourselves to avoid the pain of letting someone or something (such as a relationship) go. This misplaced hope mires us in an untenable situation. It stops us from moving forward. Is this perhaps where you are at right now?

Hi apollotech,

No, i had already accepted that our r/s was over because of how he was when we were on bed together for the last time... .no mercy, no regret of cheating my replacement with me... .

I don't have hope or anything toward our relationship... .it's just i wanted to stick to his good images and our happy memories so i can foster forgiveness... .thinking deep inside he's a good man who thriving for love because he didn't have it as a child and that he did loved me. But now, he's married, just 4 months after we broke up... .so i'm having a hard time to believe now and lost my way to forgiveness... .

[hoaianhcameron]

Hello

 

  It really sucks you are having to deal with this. This is what happens when you stay in contact on any level.   This is a  "mirage" not marriage. It will fail with out a doubt , when and how time will tell. The only certainty is here is you. You can be ok , you can heal if you really want it. Being in contact will hinder your healing greatly. I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you Sun Seeker

Thank you everyone too, for sharing and comfort me... .

[apollotech]

"I don't have hope or anything toward our relationship... .it's just i wanted to stick to his good images and our happy memories so i can foster forgiveness... .thinking deep inside he's a good man who thriving for love because he didn't have it as a child and that he did loved me. But now, he's married, just 4 months after we broke up... .so i'm having a hard time to believe now and lost my way to forgiveness... ."

Hi hoaianhcameron,

If you have fond memories of him and of good times that y'all shared together, those memories are still valid as he is neither all good nor all bad. What y'all have had is not based on his current behavior. You mentioned that he had a traumatic (unloving) childhood. Do you think that being unloved as a child is what's driving his erratic behavior? If so, can you accept that he is possibly broken because of said childhood?

[hoaianhcameron]

"I don't have hope or anything toward our relationship... .it's just i wanted to stick to his good images and our happy memories so i can foster forgiveness... .thinking deep inside he's a good man who thriving for love because he didn't have it as a child and that he did loved me. But now, he's married, just 4 months after we broke up... .so i'm having a hard time to believe now and lost my way to forgiveness... ."

Hi hoaianhcameron,

If you have fond memories of him and of good times that y'all shared together, those memories are still valid as he is neither all good nor all bad. What y'all have had is not based on his current behavior. You mentioned that he had a traumatic (unloving) childhood. Do you think that being unloved as a child is what's driving his erratic behavior? If so, can you accept that he is possibly broken because of said childhood?

Hi Applotech,

I did thought his unloved childhood has driven his erratic behavior... .that was why i let go of his bad behaviors at the break up and tried to stick with his good image... .and that was why i wanted to forgive him in the first place... .

However, i talked to my friend last nite! What she told me has made me think alot: you didn't need to make any excuse for him, neither through the disorder nor the childhood. You are also the one who have traumatic childhood but you chose to take responsibility, to face your problem alone, learn through life, to be a good person, HE DID NOT. He lied, he cheated, he stole, he manipulated, he's racist, he used people, he left you when things got hard for you even though you were with him through difficult times... .he really is a bad person of what he'd done to you. Realize that it's not an appropriate lover for you, be angry, be really angry, know that you deserve better and move on

My friend's bf of 9 years also cheated on her, she had moved on and in a beautiful love of 3 years right now. I think it's a good strategy she gave... .i mean i shouldn't suppress my feeling of how bad he treated me right? i shouldn't ignore what my heart or even my gut told me that good people never behave like that right? I shouldn't deny all the facts that he's a bad person because "what you resist persists" right?

[apollotech]

I did thought his unloved childhood has driven his erratic behavior... .that was why i let go of his bad behaviors at the break up and tried to stick with his good image... .and that was why i wanted to forgive him in the first place... .

Hi hoainahcameron,

Why would this be true then, before you spoke with your friend, but not true now, after speaking with your friend? Your reasoning seems very erratic. I understand that you are hurt and angry, but your emotions do not change reality.

[hoaianhcameron]

I did thought his unloved childhood has driven his erratic behavior... .that was why i let go of his bad behaviors at the break up and tried to stick with his good image... .and that was why i wanted to forgive him in the first place... .

Hi hoainahcameron,

Why would this be true then, before you spoke with your friend, but not true now, after speaking with your friend? Your reasoning seems very erratic. I understand that you are hurt and angry, but your emotions do not change reality.

Hi Apollotech,

Thank you for reminding me that my reasoning is erratic. Have to admit i'm not an emotionally stable person either, that's my characteristic so far.

However, in this case, i thought somewhere somehow, he was still a very good, sensitive person, who was thriving for love but never knew how to love unconditionally. And that because he might have BPD because of his unloved childhood, he didn't want to do what he'd done so badly. And that because his father didn't pay attention to educate him or give him a good role model, even though he wanted to be a good person but he didn't know how to... .NOT HIS FAULT!HE'S A GOOD PERSON, IN TIME HE WILL FIND HIS WAY

Then the incident in my first post happened. I would stick with my above thought if he didn't tell me that he didn't love her and that he needed someone to rely on and it was time for him to take care of his career because he's already 30 (they are both photojournalist, he's French and cannot speak Japanese so it's impossible for him to find a job in Tokyo by himself, she's native and working for a big journal in Japan... .he seemed to have a lot of fancy offers since they were together). Plus, he loves to live in a big apartment in fancy area, he said he felt like himself living in those fanciness (told me when we were still together) and she has it, big apartment in the busy center of Tokyo. His visa in Japan gonna expire in April and he told me how hard it was for him to find a stable job so he can stay in Japan because he knew he could do something here, not in France (he hasn't graduate high school yet)... .i thought it was impossible for him to stay because a normal Japanese girl is very picky about marriage, if the man doesn't have sufficient financial state, she would never bother about marriage... .but there he is, manipulated his way to get to marry her so he can stay in Japan... .in just around 4-6 months (including behind-my-back time before the b/u)... .

So, yes, it was not my emotion that changed the reality but the fact that his manipulation skill is amazing did... .