Fighting the desire to curl up and hide

[Ziggiddy]

Howdy howdy

I'm sure no one here is a stranger to the idea of not being worth much unless you are helping/rescuing/providing something for someone.

It's currency in a BPD household -if you want something from me - attention, approval - just to not be invisible then you had better bring me something. And mostly that something is the attention you long for for yourself. I used to give it in the childlike hope it would get me some back.

In the past few weeks I have drifted into a downward spiral and have been fighting the strongest desire to just retreat.

I know I was taught faulty conflict negotiation "Why doesn't that girl like me, Mum?" "Well she likes ME. Maybe it's because you're so bossy and selfish. You should find other friends. Plenty more fish in the sea."

But ... .I don't want to be friends with a fish. They can't play skip rope very well.

A couple of weeks ago I had the worst flashback in some months. So bad I had to leave the building (public place) and for the first time in years could not stem the flow of tears. I was compis enough afterward to note that I was affected by an old thing so assumed it was grieving that - a fight where these 3 girls jumped me from behind and one of them knocked me unconscious after ripping quite a bit of my hair out.

Working through that, I came to another conclusion - it was not all past stuff. I was in aplace I felt safe but with a group of people, some of whom had already rejected me as unsuitable as a friend.

More thought and analysis (plus some incisive questions from a wonderful member here) led me to another conclusion: I am most jeopardised when I stand up for myself. When I call someone on bad behaviour toward ME. It feels like war. Or like I will stop breathing.

And then shortly after I get this almost 'high' sensation - like exhilaration which quickly morphs into doubt about my perception. They must have the right to behave like that to me because of something I did or said or didn't do or didn't say.

I simply cannot shake the feeling that it is my fault that they were mean/disrespectful/immature to me.

I long for some breakthrough of understanding now that I have pinpointed the question but it doesn't come!

And I am so damned triggered by the dislike or dismissal I feel from 'friends' that I am losing the desire to keep trying.

So here I am again feeling like I've made little progress! SO ANNOYING!

[Linda Maria]

Hi Ziggiddy!  I am always very moved by your posts - you are much too hard on yourself my friend!  I haven't been through what you have, so probably don't completely understand, but here are my thoughts, for what they're worth.  Firstly - you mentioned the incident where you were attacked - that sounds completely horrendous - I'm not surprised you would have flashbacks, or be easily triggered after something like that, even a long time later.  I would think something like that - let alone the other things you have been through would possibly cause some kind of PTSD (not something I know a lot about, so may be wrong), and I don't think that stuff goes away easily - it becomes something you learn to manage.  Do you see a therapist right now?  I think you have come a really long way, and still need some help and support to fight these negative feelings and see them for what they are.  Always difficult to know - when you feel someone is being dismissive, or negative - if they really are - in which case - who needs them?  Or whether you are being oversensitive, and misinterpreting.  But you sound like someone with a lot of self-awareness, who is a pretty good judge of character, but still not confident that people can really like you for who you are, because of what happened in your past.  I could be way off the mark here, I just think that the right person, or therapist could give you some more, or better strategies to combat these feelings, and cope with these situations when they arise so they don't escalate, and bring you down so much, and make you doubt yourself.  Don't beat yourself up for feeling like this - remember how far you have come, and you can manage this as well - but I think there must be a strategy or tool that would help you, because just telling ourselves we are really ok, we are good people, we don't deserve this etc. doesn't always do it I know, even though it's true.  Wish I was better clued up so I could offer more concrete suggestions - but hang in there.  Keep posting.  Best wishes.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hey ya Z!

I carefully read your post and took some time to think of how I could best answer you, to be able to bring you some comfort. I see that you are in pain, hurting from the rejection you feel now and from the past, the over and over repetition. I'm sorry for how hurtful that is and has been. It stinks, big time. [/quote]

"Why doesn't that girl like me, Mum?" "Well she likes ME. Maybe it's because you're so bossy and selfish. You should find other friends. Plenty more fish in the sea."

To me, this is shame. Your mom indicated that she was better than you and if you were like her, they would like you too. Something was wrong with you is the message that your mom communicated to you when I read this.

I simply cannot shake the feeling that it is my fault that they were mean/disrespectful/immature to me.

One of the very first things my T said to me was that nothing I could say or do was responsible for how other people responded or reacted to me or to a situation. Absolutely nothing. Really? That seemed like such a joke, so not true. He gave me a silly example, but it has stayed with me. He said, "What if I tell you that I don't like your purse? Or I don't like your shoes because they are black? Are you responsible for the fact that I don't like them? Or what about if you move your purse and then I get angry with you. Did you cause me to be angry because you moved your purse? No, it is because it is my own choice to be angry. It has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with my choice as to how I will respond. My response is my own choice."

In those initial days of T, I had to tell myself over and over again that I was not responsible for how my uBPDm chose to respond, nor my DH, nor a nasty co-worker. It was a mantra I had to adopt and repeat, sometimes out loud, but eventually I began to believe it. There was so much freedom as a result, but it certainly didn't take place overnight. And now, it is great that you asked this question for it reminded me to go back and pull out this much needed lesson so that I can use it again. I have forgotten and need the reminder. Thank you!

Wools   

[Spruce927]

Wool Spinner and Ziggy,

I read both your posts.  I think wool spinner hit something really on the head.  You cannot control how people react to situations.  There's literally NO control that you have over that. 

Recently, as I'm thinking more into being raised by a BPD mother, I believe some of her controlling ways rubbed off on me.  I guess I could "control" situations or "emotions" and the reality is that you cannot do that.  Mindfulness is something that my therapist brought into sessions early, and while it can be difficult to start it's an amazing tool.  If you cannot CONTROL or CHANGE a situation, the first step would then be to accept the situation.  Then you feel that situation and understand it is passing.  Such power this gives you.  The more you practice it the more confidence you get. 

I describe it as an inner anchor.  I can rely on myself and know that I might feel something so strongly but it will pass.  My therapist recommended an app on my phone to practice at home.  Maybe that might work for you as well.  In one exercise, they talk about feelings being like cars driving down the street.  One moment the feeling (car) is right in front of you the next moment its out of sight.  This might sound a bit ridiculous, but put into practice it's simplicity and freedom from high emotional states is life changing. 

[Lily77]

I am most jeopardised when I stand up for myself. When I call someone on bad behaviour toward ME. It feels like war. Or like I will stop breathing.

And then shortly after I get this almost 'high' sensation - like exhilaration which quickly morphs into doubt about my perception. They must have the right to behave like that to me because of something I did or said or didn't do or didn't say.

I simply cannot shake the feeling that it is my fault that they were mean/disrespectful/immature to me.

I long for some breakthrough of understanding now that I have pinpointed the question but it doesn't come!

And I am so damned triggered by the dislike or dismissal I feel from 'friends' that I am losing the desire to keep trying.

Hi Zigiddy,

I'm so sorry you experienced this. What you said above really resonated with me, because I do the exact same thing when I am criticized or have an unpleasant interaction with someone. I immediately assume I am the one with the problem and replay over and over in my mind what I did wrong, or apologize when it isn't really my fault. For years it was an entirely unconscious reaction that I wasn't really aware of until my T called me out on it. I think its roots are in the fact that my uBPD mother never apologized when we had an argument (not exaggerating!) when I was growing up. She could be quite awful, avoiding me for hours and yelling over me when I would repeatedly try to explain myself. She could go like that for days. The only thing that smoothed things over was to more or less come groveling and apologizing for whatever supposed wrong-doing I had done. Unfortunately, I still have issues with this so I read Woolspinner and Spruce927's suggestions with interest.

Hang in there