Do you send birthday cards etc. if they are BPD and cut you out?

[Aquarius22]

I am in the healing stage, but every source of support helps.


It took me a long time to understand that I am the family black sheep for calling out the dysfunction in my family of origin.

Dad is very self-absorbed and always was.

Mom was very abusive to me and liked to play one sib off the other. She had a "golden child" too. He could do no wrong. You all know about the golden kids.

Sis had many psychological issues for which she never got help and interestingly enough she has decided I have all the problems that she has (shrug). She has cut off everyone in the family at various times, especially me, and the healthier I got, the more threatened she became so s he cut me off again. I am not inviting her back this time. Funny thing is, she never cuts out any other people yet she is definitely abused by them. Just me. I warned her that if she left again, she can not come back and she left. I feel a little guilty about it, but I am happier without her.

Bro is just very dysfunctional.

I have decided that my real family is the family I have made. My friends and kids can't be beat.

How do you put anger behind you if your siblings still talk behind your back, diagnose you with their own stuff, and refuse to see their own issues? I think I know the answer. It doesn't matter what they think. If they tell me I have blond hair, I still have red hair. They can insist I have blond hair and tell everyone I do, but I don't. STill... .once in a while it gets to me. I know I am healing because 95% of the time I just count all my blessings.



My basic question is, do I send birthday cards and Christmas cards to my family of origin. None of them are talking to me, except my mom, and that's ok. I don't care. But I'm always wondering if I should be the bigger person or maybe it's just setting them off... .what do you do with the BPDers in your life who have cut you out because of their own illnesses? Like I send my mom cards, but she never sends me any. Mothers Day will be coming up. I usually send flowers. She never mentions them to me. We hardly ever speak unless I call her to check up on her.

[JRT]

I would... .I would anticipate that not doing so would only deepen the divisions among your family members. It would not hurt you and don't see how how they would be offended in any way.

[Linda Maria]

Hi Aquarius!  Sorry to hear your situation - I can certainly empathise.  The card thing is difficult.  When my uBPDsis really turned on me 2 years ago, after my Mum died, the things she was saying and doing were so vile, I became very focused on holding onto the moral high ground, doing all the right things, so I couldn't be accused of anything.  I think it was a reaction to the fact that I was being accused on a daily basis of all manner of outrageous things.  Her birthday came around quite soon after it all started, and I sent her a really nice card, with a nice message in wishing her well.  No mention of any of the stuff that had been going on.  I got my kids to each send her a nice card as well.  It just sparked a nasty text from her and I wished I hadn't bothered.  On my birthday a month later she sent me a card - with a horrible message in.  So last year I didn't send any cards and she hasn't sent us any - she didn't even send the kids Christmas cards the first year - because her attempts to drag them into it hadn't worked  - so I think she didn't have any use for them.  For me - being NC has been the salvation, as any communication from me - however nice or neutral would always result in a vile communication back from her.  So for me - no cards, no contact - it's a no brainer.  If you think there is any danger that cards will trigger something horrible then I wouldn't bother.  It's a difficult one.  If the cards don't result in a horrible situation then why not - at least you can feel that you have done something to keep a level of contact.  Hard isn't it?  I wish you well.