Suggestions Please: My Safety

[NGU]

I'm going to post our latest drama later today. Just a vent. For now, pretty much everyone here is the same boat, so I don't think you need to refresh yourself on my situation.

I suddenly feel the need to give someone I trust this forum web address and my screen name. This would be in case something bad happens and I need to defend myself if I get accused of anything. My posts would then serve as a sort of journal.

Anyone have thoughts on this?

It's that her lows get so bad, and she becomes so reactive and irrational. Nothing physical. And while I'm confident she's not suicidal anymore, I never know when her ideations kick in, or to what extreme.

I have a limited number of options for this. Her entire family is out. Her friends and therapists are out. My parents are partially aware of her emotional issues, but they would freak. My friends are out. My CBT therapist is out because he already thinks I'm too paranoid. I'd rather not use our couple's therapist.

Realistically, that leaves my psychiatrist, or I find an attorney.

Am I over-reacting? Sure. It's just that I know too much about the legal system and how authorities automatically look at S/Os as their first suspects.

She woke up crying this morning, practically catatonic, and walked out the door.

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[Aurylian]

I'm not sure that providing anyone with access to your posts here would be useful protection and might just compromise your privacy.

It probably would be good to have plans on how to deal with things should they come up.  Do you have an exit strategy if things got bad on any given night?  Have you thought about when you would call 911? 

This is somewhat controversial, but I did record my BPDw for a time when she was really dysfunctional, when I thought I might need it for protection.  Thankfully that phase is over.

[Turkish]

NGU-

Have you seen the emergency protocols for SI and DV? They are located at the bottom of every thread, the EMERGENCY button.

What I think you are saying here is a legal matter. I'm sorry that you are going through this, as things seemed to be better for a while. You might want to post specific questions to the Legal Board. I don't know if posts here could be used as a journal or not. I kept a written journal myself, locked in a safe. Others use more digital means of record-keeping events.

What is it that you fear most, a false DV charge and imprisonment?

[formflier]

 

Why would someone need that information ahead of time?

If you get arrested... .(lets just say... ) you can give the info to your attorney then.

Plus... .what is on here... .is most likely worth as much as a journal... .which... .might help you recall things... but that is about it... .IMO.

FF

[formflier]

 

NGU,

I would recommend heading over to the legal board and asking questions about journals.

Even better is to ask a lawyer that practices in your state.

I use one of those "prepaid" legal services... where I can call in as much as I want and get advice.

about $20 per month.   Very handy to have... .

[NGU]

Thank you all. You helped me calm down.

We do indeed have a plan in place. We have a "black-car" taxi service around the corner that gets to our apartment in less than 5 minutes, 24/7. We have the 24/7 hospital picked out and I know four well-placed people in the building. I have contact numbers to all her therapists, her med dosages written down and her insurance-card numbers. The strangest part about this paragraph is that we talked about these details together, while she was lucid, for a frightening scenario we both knew might happen because of a defective, unpredictable brain.

I never thought about a journal for this. Dumb, considering I'm a writer by trade. At this point, I can copy and paste all my posts here, add a few dates and be caught up to today. I have a safe picked out. If she comes home really bad, I'll look into potential legal resource tomorrow. Something is just telling me to be prepared if the cops start knocking for some absolutely unknown reason. Yay paranoia.

I'm not really worried about SI anymore, aside from the hair pulling. As for DV, I never even put plates down hard, and she just walks away and rolls up in a ball. But when she's uncommunicative and walks out the door crying, I start creating worst-case scenarios. My saving grace right now are the security cameras inside and outside the building. So this morning, she got recorded walking alone to her car.

[formflier]

 

I still think its a good idea for you to post on legal.  I'm a stayer... .but early on I asked some questions over there about "what if" type of stuff.

Do you have a smartphone? They have apps that can record... .  Make sure phone is locked and she can't get to it.

Do you use google docs?  Strong passwords.  If your journal is there... .very easy to share.

Think about a secondary digital place on the cloud you can store stuff... .just in case.

Whenever you are on the computer with BPD family... .or want to be secure... .I recommend using Chrome browser in "incognito" mode.

My hope is that you are over doing it... .but... .the big thing is to be smart about it.

Check with lawyer in your state about if you can record yourself and someone else without their knowledge... .just in case.

I have a friend... that stayed out of jail... because he had a recording.  His soon to be ex was dysregulating bad... .went around corner and slammed her hand in car door.  Blamed it on him.  Cops came to house ready to take him to jail.  Recording proved that her story was false.  He wimped out and didn't press the false charge issue.

This was in state of TN... .

Hang in there... .looking forward to more posts!

FF

[NGU]

Recording app: Downloaded. Didn't work too well the first time, but I've fixed that. I'll look into the legal aspects.

Passwords: I actually just changed them all last week. Even for my phone and tablet start screens.

Incognito mode: Yes. Always.

[formflier]

Recording app: Downloaded. Didn't work too well the first time, but I've fixed that. I'll look into the legal aspects.

Passwords: I actually just changed them all last week. Even for my phone and tablet start screens.

Incognito mode: Yes. Always.

Are they "strong" passwords that are not guessable... .?

[NGU]

Strong passwords: Yes.

All sorts of strange characters and randomness.

EDIT:

She just emailed me. Not surprisingly, I was a source of her meltdown.

I just got a laptop and have been motivated to learn Office 2013 as a resume stuffer. I mentioned to her that I've set day-end goals for myself.

In her email, she described it as "unnecessary stress," that I'm "burning the candle at both ends" and that I need to "dial back the zeal." 

So I apparently have too much "zeal." And I thought I was simply happy there for a minute.

[formflier]

 

So,

What's your plan for the response to the email?

Or are you going to respond?

ff

[Grey Kitty]

Uhg... .lots going on.

If you want to save a journal/diary of stuff, and use what you wrote here as the core of it, and keep it safe, my recommendation would be to turn what you've written here into a dated journal format; save from browser, print to file, cut and paste, whatever works for you... .

Put the file(s) onto a thumb drive. Or print them out. Put either or both in a sealed envelope, and give it to somebody for safekeeping. By keeping it sealed (in a way that opening would be very obvious!), they won't open it and read things that they would find disturbing.

Keeping a journal like that safe on your computer, your phone, or on a thumb drive where your wife can't get at it is a challenge... .but there are lots of technical solutions for that. There are ways of encrypting data where it isn't any proof that there is any encrypted data on the media if you don't have the password.

My wife was never prone to snooping, so I didn't have to go to any extraordinary measures for this myself, but I'm enough of a geek to know a little about where to start.

I've been writing my journal on my computer for years now. Most of it has been about the drama with my wife, but some has been just about me. At first, it helped me retain my sanity. (Yes, she did say that two days ago, and yes she is saying the opposite today!) The processing helped me a lot too. Sometimes I would cut and paste things from these boards, or occasional email exchanges with trusted friends into the journal.

Now I've found that re-reading what I wrote years ago can give me clarity. It is good to see how things have changed... .and good to see how things have stayed the same. Both are useful to know.

I expect to go back and read it again someday. I'm still writing.

[NGU]

GK:

I have plenty I could add about about myself as well. Might be nice to put everything in one place.

FF:

I said that I understood how my actions could come across wrong. I assured her that I really was simply motivated, and wasn't trying to cover up stress by making unnecessary busy work. I told her I would keep my zealous actions to a minimum.

She came home bubbly, as if nothing happened. Didn't say anything about the morning. Gave me a long hug. She's a little to "up" again, but I'll worry about possible ramifications if they arise.

Her voice changes when she's up. A little higher. Some of her phrases can be almost child-like.

So now she's happy and I'm putting on a game face. What I really want to tell her is that I blew 5 hours today, writing, trying to calm down and learning more about her meltdowns. Oh well.

[formflier]

FF:

I said that I understood how my actions could come across wrong. I assured her that I really was simply motivated, and wasn't trying to cover up stress by making unnecessary busy work. I told her I would keep my zealous actions to a minimum.

How does this fit with the lessons?

What could another name for "assure" be?

[NGU]

What could another name for "assure" be?

I did read the email right after I sent it. I figured the assurance would come across as either invalidating or defensive. If that's not right, I have no idea how assurance would fit into the lessons. I just know that explaining the reality of my actions usually doesn't work.

The other sentences seemed to focus on empathy, support and validation. I added a final two sentences which could only be described as the Truth concept ("This is what I can do... ." It was regarding my efficient cleaning methods, which are a trigger. She didn't mention that specifically, but she seemed to be alluding to it.

I'm also trying to find a concept in the lessons that matches Aurylian's thoughts on my previous reactions, which I describe in a different thread.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273813.msg12595887#msg12595887

Right after we went to bed last night, she said ":)o you think we'll be OK?" I gently got her to explain. Turns out she's in a near panic about her job application and our upcoming move. I won't go into the details of my response, but it seemed to work, because she stopped stress-breathing and fell asleep.

[formflier]

I did read the email right after I sent it. I figured the assurance would come across as either invalidating or defensive. If that's not right, I have no idea how assurance would fit into the lessons. I just know that explaining the reality of my actions usually doesn't work.

Could there be some JADE? 

Explaining is not always bad... .but... .it's always a minefield. 

What is your understanding of why JADE is a minefield?

[NGU]

What is your understanding of why JADE is a minefield?

Well, I understand it because those four reactions are probably her biggest triggers that come from my direction. When I finally found this forum, I was almost instantly introduced to that acronym, which helped me distill practically all of my negative reactions into one easy-to-digest concept. As of now, I feel I'm applying it to our interactions, although sometimes I hit uncharted waters and don't get it quite right.

You asked me a couple questions in my other active thread. I'm struggling with the answers, so I have to put that off a while. She's leaving for a family vacation tomorrow, so I'll have some solo introspection time.

I noticed it's easier to process everything when she's in meltdown mode. When she's happy, like she is today, it's a challenge to type things out.

[Turkish]

I noticed it's easier to process everything when she's in meltdown mode. When she's happy, like she is today, it's a challenge to type things out.

That's tough, NGU. Do you think it is because you may feel some guilt labeling her, or when she is good, she is so great that the other things fade far into the background?

[NGU]

Do you think it is because you may feel some guilt labeling her, or when she is good, she is so great that the other things fade far into the background?

Apparently it fades. Quickly. Maybe I'm just exhausted (yesterday was brutal), but it's surreal sitting here right now.

I just scanned through my 100 previous posts. I'm all over the place. Frustrated, introspective, sarcastic, positive, bitter, helpful, needy, knowledgeable, clueless. And I'm supposed to be the one without mood swings. It's a challenge to keep this in perspective. I start wondering how I appear to everyone here, despite knowing deep down we've all been in this spot at one time or another.

On a brighter note, I'm creating a massive Word document with all the Lessons in it. Everything from the links and sub-links, with formatted headings; the works. It's starting to look like a book. It's cool.

[formflier]

 

Your mood swings... are most likely reactions to hers.

As you keep learning... .you will be more proactive... and less reactive.

I think after a while of that... .a scan back at your posts will look totally different.

You are on the right track!  Stay the course!   

[Grey Kitty]

I just scanned through my 100 previous posts. I'm all over the place. Frustrated, introspective, sarcastic, positive, bitter, helpful, needy, knowledgeable, clueless. And I'm supposed to be the one without mood swings.

Uhm... .no, you aren't supposed to be the one without mood swings.

What was happening was that your partner's mood swings were more powerful than yours, and in the abusive relationship, she was the one controlling the mood... .so at least when together, you never allowed your feelings to come out.

This forum is a safe place. You can express whatever you are feeling, without consequence. So you've finally had a chance to express and experience some of your own feelings here.

 It is tough to be in that place where you need to stuff your own feelings because it isn't safe.