Smart people, help me here please

[joshbjoshb]

In the past few months my life is in turmoil. More like, my wife's life. But it has great impact on me.

She has tremendous issues where we live with different projects she is involved with. Some of them she is correct and indeed wrong has been done; in others, it's fear and insecurity. But she is miserable and depressed.

She doesn't want to move, but she wants me to make a decision and to move. I won't do it because the last move decision was made by me and she doesn't stop to complain how I "brought" her to a bad place (mind you, she agreed to come... .I will never do it without her consent).

So what to do? Is there anything I can help her with? I can't deal anymore with the constant complains, etc.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

I feel for you, because I have been exactly in your position.  My W and I just had a wedding ceremony.  She can't stop saying how it was all my idea and I dragged her into it.  She tells this to everyone.  At one point I reminded her that we both agreed to this at one point and at any time along the way she could have said no.   Basically, what you (and I) are dealing with is a person who feels miserable, and needs something or someone to blame.  The reality here is that if you do move, your wife will be just as miserable - guaranteed.  My wife wants to move, also.  If I had some kind of guarantee she would be happy, I would be all for it.  But I know she will still be unhappy, and if I moved I would be unhappy, and things would be worse. 

My suggestion is to recognize what this is, and do what you need to do to be happy for yourself.  Your wife will b___ and moan and complain, but just keep reminding yourself those are her problems and she needs to fix herself.  Nothing you can do will solve her problems.

[Aurylian]

Agreed.  And moving decisions by you should not be rushed into or avoided.  Do what is best for your family. 

My BPDw complains and revises history often about moves or contemplated moves.  In the end I know I did what was best for all of us and that is all that matters. 

[formflier]

  I can't deal anymore with the constant complains, etc.

What does "dealing with" complaints look like in your r/s?

Maybe we flip your question... .what shouldn't be done anymore?  What kind of answer comes out then?

[NGU]

The reality here is that if you do move, your wife will be just as miserable - guaranteed.

Nothing is ever guaranteed. Except for Maxsterling's guarantee.

I can't give you advice; only an example. Looking past her other triggers, my wife... .

1. Lived alone in a studio apartment and was miserable because she was alone.

2. We met and moved in together. She hated the new apartment and was miserable.

3. We moved again. She hated that our windows faced brick walls and was miserable.

4. We moved into our current apartment. Now she's miserable because of the apartment, the neighborhood and the city.

5. She wants to move again. She won't take no for an answer.

I know she'll be miserable anywhere, because it's not the core problem. I talked to her dad about another move, without mentioning my W's diagnosis or symptoms. His response to the plan: "It won't help." That's when I learned they had been paying all her therapy bills.

By the way, Max... .Getting blamed for marriage? That's a rough one.

[formflier]

 

There is something that I say... in various ways... but it's the same concept.  NGU highlighted it.

The constant in all of that was the way his wife "felt".

A key concept that all of us "nons" need to accept... .if that we have limited control over that.  We do have some control... .and that is where the hope is.  But... .there is a limit.  Exactly where that limit is... .is different for each r/s because of the nuance for that r/s.

One way of figuring out boundaries (not the only way)... .is to help up to the limit... .and then stop helping.  The feelings belong to her... .and... .she can deal with them after that.

[joshbjoshb]

  I can't deal anymore with the constant complains, etc.

What does "dealing with" complaints look like in your r/s?

Maybe we flip your question... .what shouldn't be done anymore?  What kind of answer comes out then?

Good question. I guess I don't want to be criticized anymore, or at least all the time

[formflier]

Maybe we flip your question... .what shouldn't be done anymore?  What kind of answer comes out then?

Good question. I guess I don't want to be criticized anymore, or at least all the time [/quote]
Is that your choice?  For her to not say critical things of you?

[Stalwart]

Hey Josh:

Boy, do I know project blues... .

"She has tremendous issues where we live with different projects she is involved with. Some of them she is correct and indeed wrong has been done; in others, it's fear and insecurity. But she is miserable and depressed."

What types of projects has she involved herself in and the difficulties she's run into doing them Josh?

[Grey Kitty]

I guess I don't want to be criticized anymore, or at least all the time

Let me re-frame that as a boundary enforcement action on your part:

If my wife criticizes me, I will end that topic of discussion, end the conversation, or leave her company (as needed).