My BPD boyfriend keeps making me feel insecure

[klacey3]

Hi,

This is my second post to the site. So a bit of background... we are both in our twenties and been together a year. I don't know for sure whether he has BPD but he displays alot of the same behaviours.

It has been very rocky recently and feel like he has pushed me too far. If i 'hurt him' he goes to the extreme of doing something to hurt me back like joining a dating site or saying something about an ex girlfriend to upset me. It makes me feel insecure and worry about his faithfulness but he tells me I am playing games because it is apparently obvious he loves me and only says these things to hurt me and he doesnt mean them (as if thats a good reason!) Anyway so I checked up on his dating site and he had apparently been online. I confronted him and he got angry and said he was only on it to delete it and he swore to me he hasnt been talking to anyone. He then said for accusing him and moaning about it 'he would edit his profile to give me something to moan about' anyway later he was online again and I was pretty annoyed. He said I was a sick **** for thinking he would lie about swearing on his life for not being on there previous days and again said he was only online trying to delete it. I didnt answer his phone calls after this and received messages from him saying how angry he is at me and I will really regret the things I have said to him. He has updated his profile today. For confronting him about being on there... he then keeps it to annoy me for me moaning he has it... .no logic.

The whole thing is ridiculous and I am sick of having him do things to hurt me when he is in the wrong. I have spoken to him about this before and he said how he is really sorry for hurting me this much and will do anything to keep me and how he sees a future with me etc and he is sorry for being out of order. I dont know how to deal with his acting out anymore.

I know in a couple of days or whenever it will be he will say he wont do it again and expect me to be grateful, or he will say horrible things or he will beg for me back. I can't deal with his behaviours and trying to make.me feel insecure about his faithfulness and refusing to understand why I feel this way and that he has caused it.

What is the best way to cut things off with someone with BPD? I dont want him to hurt and act out. I also dont want him to 'punish me' as I still love him and hurt too.

[LonelyChild]

What is the best way to cut things off with someone with BPD?

Go NC. There's no sane way to end a r/s with a pwBPD.

[rg1976]

Hi klacey3,

I know this is hard.  If the relationship is damaging you, then you should examine your motives for staying in the unhealthy relationship.  I have stayed in a relationship with an extremely unhealthy person for 4 years, and it has me to the point of breaking down.  I am trying to leave, but I love her so much.  She has become very abusive and is hurting me so much, but the problem isn't just hers alone.  She is responsible for her part, and I am for mine (the staying part).


There is no easy answer, but examining yourself and your motives.  What are you getting out of the relationship?  Are you addicted to this person?  Look to answer those things and improve yourself, put the focus back on you.

I'm just beginning the process of even recognizing my problems.  I'm a total addict in this relationship, and it is so so so bad for me, but I can't seem to give it up, no matter the cost.  Seriously, I am in danger of losing everything.  I don't want that, but I'm trying to "balance" so I can keep things going, but that's totally irrational.  Stop where you are, and don't let yourself get as far down the path of self-destruction as some of us have.

Take care of yourself.

Best,

rg

[once removed]

hi klacey3,

if you want to cut things off, this article should help:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

[fromheeltoheal]

I dont know how to deal with his acting out anymore.

The best way is to get some distance, if only for a day or two, and get very clear about what you want and need from someone you're in a relationship with, decide if you could ever get it from him sustainably, and then act accordingly.

If you decide you want to end the relationship, and it's painful, we get it, there are resources on this site and elsewhere to give you tips, and we're here to listen, although the best way to end it is just end it, as with any relationship.  If you are living together and/or you think your physical safety may be threatened then those are complications, but ending it with finality and stopping communicating with him is the way out, and we can help with how to handle what he may do after you leave.  Take care of you!

[klacey3]

Hi klacey3,

I know this is hard.  If the relationship is damaging you, then you should examine your motives for staying in the unhealthy relationship.  I have stayed in a relationship with an extremely unhealthy person for 4 years, and it has me to the point of breaking down.  I am trying to leave, but I love her so much.  She has become very abusive and is hurting me so much, but the problem isn't just hers alone.  She is responsible for her part, and I am for mine (the staying part).


There is no easy answer, but examining yourself and your motives.  What are you getting out of the relationship?  Are you addicted to this person?  Look to answer those things and improve yourself, put the focus back on you.

I'm just beginning the process of even recognizing my problems.  I'm a total addict in this relationship, and it is so so so bad for me, but I can't seem to give it up, no matter the cost.  Seriously, I am in danger of losing everything.  I don't want that, but I'm trying to "balance" so I can keep things going, but that's totally irrational.  Stop where you are, and don't let yourself get as far down the path of self-destruction as some of us have.

Take care of yourself.

Best,

rg

Thanks for your reply. I am sorry to hear you are suffering.

The feeling I get with him is like nothing I have experienced. I have a connection with him I have not felt with anyone before as if I am meant to be with him. I feel like I love him so much. At times he is the most caring loving appreciate person I have ever met. I feel like I can't bare to not be with him. Maybe I am addicted.

Another part of me is saying I need to run away and never look back and be strong because he keeps hurting me and I dont trust him. It pains me that he thinks I don't love him and will cheat on him. 

How can I leave someone who tells me I am the one good thing they have going for them? A person that also tells me it would kill them if they lost me and I am the only person in the world they want to be with... the love of their life. It is hard enough to leave someone anyway but leaving someone with BPD I feel like a mother abandoning their child or locking a person with a phobia of spiders in a room with them.

All I wanted was to be with him but he has made it so hard. I dont understand. All he had to do was not deliberately do and say things to hurt me, to commit properly and try to make me happy.

[LonelyChild]

How can I leave someone who tells me I am the one good thing they have going for them?

He doesn't mean it. If you had one good thing, would you break it? It's just words. They don't mean anything to him. But he knows they mean something to you. He's said that to every girl in his life.

A person that also tells me it would kill them if they lost me and I am the only person in the world they want to be with... the love of their life.

Yes. My exBPDgf said that too. To me. And her ex. And the ex before that. And then 10 guys she was cheating with.

It is hard enough to leave someone anyway but leaving someone with BPD I feel like a mother abandoning their child or locking a person with a phobia of spiders in a room with them.

You feel like a mother abandoning a child, because that is the script he plays out. Because that is what happened in his infancy, in his mind. It will never end.

All I wanted was to be with him but he has made it so hard. I dont understand. All he had to do was not deliberately do and say things to hurt me, to commit properly and try to make me happy.

He can't. pwBPD are insane. You feel connected to him because he's dragging you into his sick and twisted reality. He DOES NOT feel connected to you in the same way.

[once removed]

"I have a connection with him I have not felt with anyone before as if I am meant to be with him."

a lot of us feel or have felt that way. thats not at all to belittle or say your experience isnt unique. there are soulmate like qualities to most BPD relationships. im four or five years out and while its the last thing in the world i want, i dont dismiss the connection i had. but if you examine the rest of your words youll see where its at odds.

" he keeps hurting me and I dont trust him" for one example.

"How can I leave someone who tells me I am the one good thing they have going for them? A person that also tells me it would kill them if they lost me and I am the only person in the world they want to be with... the love of their life."

the popular saying, actions > words, might apply here. words have a powerful effect, but you see what follows them.

" It is hard enough to leave someone anyway but leaving someone with BPD I feel like a mother abandoning their child or locking a person with a phobia of spiders in a room with them."

youre not exactly off in feeling that way. there is something of a parental role many of us have taken on. thats part of the bond. not necessarily a positive part of it, but certainly an addictive and guilt inducing one.

" All he had to do was not deliberately do and say things to hurt me, to commit properly and try to make me happy. "

i think those are pretty reasonable, and fairly simple things to ask. ill point out that those things require follow through, or, action. its one thing to say youre the love of his life. deliberately doing and saying things to hurt you doesnt exactly show it.

[klacey3]

How can I leave someone who tells me I am the one good thing they have going for them?

He doesn't mean it. If you had one good thing, would you break it? It's just words. They don't mean anything to him. But he knows they mean something to you. He's said that to every girl in his life.

A person that also tells me it would kill them if they lost me and I am the only person in the world they want to be with... the love of their life.

Yes. My exBPDgf said that too. To me. And her ex. And the ex before that. And then 10 guys she was cheating with.

It is hard enough to leave someone anyway but leaving someone with BPD I feel like a mother abandoning their child or locking a person with a phobia of spiders in a room with them.

You feel like a mother abandoning a child, because that is the script he plays out. Because that is what happened in his infancy, in his mind. It will never end.

All I wanted was to be with him but he has made it so hard. I dont understand. All he had to do was not deliberately do and say things to hurt me, to commit properly and try to make me happy.

He can't. pwBPD are insane. You feel connected to him because he's dragging you into his sick and twisted reality. He DOES NOT feel connected to you in the same way.

I thought the whole thing with BPD was that they sabotage and are scared of losing someone they love?

[LonelyChild]

How can I leave someone who tells me I am the one good thing they have going for them?

He doesn't mean it. If you had one good thing, would you break it? It's just words. They don't mean anything to him. But he knows they mean something to you. He's said that to every girl in his life.

A person that also tells me it would kill them if they lost me and I am the only person in the world they want to be with... the love of their life.

Yes. My exBPDgf said that too. To me. And her ex. And the ex before that. And then 10 guys she was cheating with.

It is hard enough to leave someone anyway but leaving someone with BPD I feel like a mother abandoning their child or locking a person with a phobia of spiders in a room with them.

You feel like a mother abandoning a child, because that is the script he plays out. Because that is what happened in his infancy, in his mind. It will never end.

All I wanted was to be with him but he has made it so hard. I dont understand. All he had to do was not deliberately do and say things to hurt me, to commit properly and try to make me happy.

He can't. pwBPD are insane. You feel connected to him because he's dragging you into his sick and twisted reality. He DOES NOT feel connected to you in the same way.

I thought the whole thing with BPD was that they sabotage and are scared of losing someone they love?

In a sense, yes, but it is also way more complex than that. You're not going to be able to sustain a healthy r/s with him. There are a few options:

1. Give up all boundaries. This results in enmeshment where you become absolutely codependent and will likely want to kill yourself when the day comes that he discards you. He's also going to cheat on you.

2. Keep healthy boundaries. If you do not let him penetrate your boundaries, he will realize this quickly and discard you because you don't function as narcissistic supply.

3. Be super narcissistic and use him as a toy. He will keep trying to get love from you like a child that feels inadequate tries to please his mother. He's going to be with other girls and whoever becomes codependent first is the one he will cling to. For a while.

[fromheeltoheal]

I thought the whole thing with BPD was that they sabotage and are scared of losing someone they love?

Borderlines fear abandonment, it's the core of the disorder.  Borderlines also have trouble regulating emotions, and fear engulfment if they get too close to someone.  So the behaviors that come out of trying to manage their emotions drive people away, so their fear causes what they fear.  Sucks to be a borderline.

[klacey3]

I thought the whole thing with BPD was that they sabotage and are scared of losing someone they love?

Borderlines fear abandonment, it's the core of the disorder.  Borderlines also have trouble regulating emotions, and fear engulfment if they get too close to someone.  So the behaviors that come out of trying to manage their emotions drive people away, so their fear causes what they fear.  Sucks to be a borderline.

It sounds hard   does it mean they only react when they love someone or just in general with everyone? Why do they ruin situations if they love the persin?

[LonelyChild]

I thought the whole thing with BPD was that they sabotage and are scared of losing someone they love?

Borderlines fear abandonment, it's the core of the disorder.  Borderlines also have trouble regulating emotions, and fear engulfment if they get too close to someone.  So the behaviors that come out of trying to manage their emotions drive people away, so their fear causes what they fear.  Sucks to be a borderline.

It sounds hard   does it mean they only react when they love someone or just in general with everyone? Why do they ruin situations if they love the persin?

pwBPD can act pretty normal around people not emotionally close to them. At least for a bit. The closer you get, the more they hate you.

[raisins3142]

How can I leave someone who tells me I am the one good thing they have going for them?

He doesn't mean it. If you had one good thing, would you break it? It's just words. They don't mean anything to him. But he knows they mean something to you. He's said that to every girl in his life.

A person that also tells me it would kill them if they lost me and I am the only person in the world they want to be with... the love of their life.

Yes. My exBPDgf said that too. To me. And her ex. And the ex before that. And then 10 guys she was cheating with.

It is hard enough to leave someone anyway but leaving someone with BPD I feel like a mother abandoning their child or locking a person with a phobia of spiders in a room with them.

You feel like a mother abandoning a child, because that is the script he plays out. Because that is what happened in his infancy, in his mind. It will never end.

All I wanted was to be with him but he has made it so hard. I dont understand. All he had to do was not deliberately do and say things to hurt me, to commit properly and try to make me happy.

He can't. pwBPD are insane. You feel connected to him because he's dragging you into his sick and twisted reality. He DOES NOT feel connected to you in the same way.

I thought the whole thing with BPD was that they sabotage and are scared of losing someone they love?

In a sense, yes, but it is also way more complex than that. You're not going to be able to sustain a healthy r/s with him. There are a few options:

1. Give up all boundaries. This results in enmeshment where you become absolutely codependent and will likely want to kill yourself when the day comes that he discards you. He's also going to cheat on you.

2. Keep healthy boundaries. If you do not let him penetrate your boundaries, he will realize this quickly and discard you because you don't function as narcissistic supply.

3. Be super narcissistic and use him as a toy. He will keep trying to get love from you like a child that feels inadequate tries to please his mother. He's going to be with other girls and whoever becomes codependent first is the one he will cling to. For a while.

I'll chime in based upon what I experienced with my uBPDexgf and what she told me of her family of origin.

She was raised by people that never made her feel secure or trust in them.  Therefore, it is little wonder that she had no idea how to behave in a way that made me over time feel more and more secure and trusting.  In fact, the lack of this over time made me trust her less, along with specific negative things she did.  Also, when she thought she had me hooked and was then afraid of enmeshment/loss of self and began devaluing me, she acted in ways that made me feel very insecure.  Also, I think that creating insecurity/jealousy in me was a way to know I cared and also have the upper hand/sabotage the relationship subconsciously.

She was very shady and private and indirect about people she was communicating with and what she did when we were not together.  She thought that because people in good relationships should have trust in each other that our relationship should start out with total trust and that there was no reason/way to grow it and that unless there was obvious proof of betrayal that this total trust should not wane.  At least those were the "rules" she kind of set out for me.

A big deal to me was her phone usage.  Literally, the thing would go off all day and all night and she would ignore it/never mention anyone that was contacting her.  It would even wake us up in the middle of the night (2 am to 5 am) and she would roll over to obscure it and look at it and then put it away like that was normal to do all the time.  She either didn't care, was doing a form of what she saw her parents do to her or others, was doing this purposefully to put me on edge/chase her/push me away, or she was just totally clueless how this might make me think/feel.  It was a point of argument, and she once spoke with her most trusted/normal female friend about this and was SHOCKED when the friend basically agreed with everything I had been saying.  She later said that she found it bizarre and weird when I would periodically get a text and offhandedly mention something like "oh that is Mark, he wants us to stop by later if out".

On her days off when not with me, she would go no contact for long periods and would never mention anything about her day.  She could have had a double life for all I knew.  Healthy couples that are apart do not see every separation as a much need "vacation" from the other and often mention little things about their day, etc.  When I did this, texted her "hey me and my dog are going on a hike today, hope you have a good day", she would think I was sweating her to get information on her activities.  No, I was acting healthily, perhaps with a point of "being a good example to her".

She also did not seem to understand common social conventions or was impulsive or had an unstable sense of self.  So, it made her behavior unpredictable.  Humans do not trust things or others when we have no idea what will happen next (ex. a car that randomly stops on road for no apparent reason).  She chalked this up to being a free spirit, but to me it made me think she was capable of perhaps anything and pondering her past or what she might be up to in the present when apart or our future was horrific for me.

She was also raised by liars.  She thought all humans lied whenever it immediately seemed in their short term best interest.  She seemed to have no moral qualms about lying and lied to me all the time over small things.  This also caused her to be highly inconsistent.

But because you are supposed to totally trust your girlfriend, she had no idea why I struggled or how to act differently.  And I wasn't about to teach her all these things.  She had somehow become "comfortable" in a family of origin where there was no real trust in her childhood.

[fromheeltoheal]

I thought the whole thing with BPD was that they sabotage and are scared of losing someone they love?

Borderlines fear abandonment, it's the core of the disorder.  Borderlines also have trouble regulating emotions, and fear engulfment if they get too close to someone.  So the behaviors that come out of trying to manage their emotions drive people away, so their fear causes what they fear.  Sucks to be a borderline.

It sounds hard   does it mean they only react when they love someone or just in general with everyone? Why do they ruin situations if they love the persin?

Hi klacey-

Think attachments with borderlines; love isn't as much of a motivator as attaching to someone, psychically fusing to feel whole.  And since borderlines have trouble regulating emotions, their emotions are turned up full blast all the time, even though they've usually developed ways to hide it to be accepted, the closer a borderline gets to someone, the more intense the emotions get, the term around here is they get 'triggered', it's involuntary, and they end up losing what they wanted most.

You're new here, welcome!  There are a lot of articles on this site that go into greater detail, along with book recommendations.  I don't know your story, but if you're hurting because you are/were in a relationship with someone who exhibits traits of the disorder, reading up and understanding can help a lot; if you're like me it will still hurt but it won't be so confusing anymore.  Take care of you, and keep posting!

[klacey3]

How can I leave someone who tells me I am the one good thing they have going for them?

He doesn't mean it. If you had one good thing, would you break it? It's just words. They don't mean anything to him. But he knows they mean something to you. He's said that to every girl in his life.

A person that also tells me it would kill them if they lost me and I am the only person in the world they want to be with... the love of their life.

Yes. My exBPDgf said that too. To me. And her ex. And the ex before that. And then 10 guys she was cheating with.

It is hard enough to leave someone anyway but leaving someone with BPD I feel like a mother abandoning their child or locking a person with a phobia of spiders in a room with them.

You feel like a mother abandoning a child, because that is the script he plays out. Because that is what happened in his infancy, in his mind. It will never end.

All I wanted was to be with him but he has made it so hard. I dont understand. All he had to do was not deliberately do and say things to hurt me, to commit properly and try to make me happy.

He can't. pwBPD are insane. You feel connected to him because he's dragging you into his sick and twisted reality. He DOES NOT feel connected to you in the same way.

I thought the whole thing with BPD was that they sabotage and are scared of losing someone they love?

In a sense, yes, but it is also way more complex than that. You're not going to be able to sustain a healthy r/s with him. There are a few options:

1. Give up all boundaries. This results in enmeshment where you become absolutely codependent and will likely want to kill yourself when the day comes that he discards you. He's also going to cheat on you.

2. Keep healthy boundaries. If you do not let him penetrate your boundaries, he will realize this quickly and discard you because you don't function as narcissistic supply.

3. Be super narcissistic and use him as a toy. He will keep trying to get love from you like a child that feels inadequate tries to please his mother. He's going to be with other girls and whoever becomes codependent first is the one he will cling to. For a while.

So basically... .it looks very bad for me. I am just curious, you seem pretty sure he will cheat. Is this because of the original post where I mention the dating site?

[LonelyChild]

So basically... .it looks very bad for me. I am just curious, you seem pretty sure he will cheat. Is this because of the original post where I mention the dating site?

No, it looks very good for you. You're coming here and educating yourself about BPD. It looks very bad for him - the prognosis for 'curing' BPD is next to zero. He's going to repeat this behavior for the rest of his life.

He's going to cheat, because even with enmeshment and codependency, he will grow so used to you that you no longer function as narcissistic supply. In a healthy r/s, this is when the love matures. You accept each other, your love for each other, and that you will most likely spend the rest of days together. You support each other in daily life etc.

With a pwBPD, this is when all hell breaks loose. He will lose interest in you, devalue you (prepare to be beaten, called names, cheated on etc). There is really no going back from this point. He's going to start lining up other girls to repeat the entire cycle with, and make you out to be the cause of his problems. He's going to cheat on you. You're going to trust him less and less every day, as you find more and more lies. The less you trust him, the more controlling you will become, and he's going to accuse you of being some psychopathic control freak. Then he's going to discard you because of it, date another girl and tell her how crazy you were.

Read a few threads on here. The story is always the same.

[LonelyChild]

... .

Thank you for this very interesting and insightful post. Sorry you had to go through it. I can relate.

[raisins3142]

So basically... .it looks very bad for me. I am just curious, you seem pretty sure he will cheat. Is this because of the original post where I mention the dating site?

I don't think anyone can know this for sure.  But you are likely the one best able to judge this.

I had an earlier, BPDish girlfriend that was very chaste and uncomfortable with male attention, and this was genuine and I knew it.  I don't think she would have cheated on me in the near term had we stayed together.  Also, she did not drink or do any drugs, so no disinhibitors in her system.

As I've gotten older and met more people and heard more about infidelity, I've developed a radar for the type of people that can likely be trusted in this manner.  I'm not sure of your age or life experience and whether this sixth sense sort of thing makes sense.

My latest uBPDexgf that I wrote (too long) about upstream in this thread had "infidelity risk" written all over her based upon my past experience, knowledge, and gut.  Turns out I was right at least in her past.  I finally uncovered that she had cheated on previous partners.  I have no idea if she had on me or not.  I'll never know.  She had plenty of time away from me to accomplish this discreetly if she wished.  I am nearly certain that if we had stayed together that she would have cheated on me, perhaps as a way to "monkey branch" to a new relationship before ending ours, if anything else.  I ended things with her however.

Back to your situation,  I would say, all else being equal, that a person with BPD will have more trouble staying faithful than someone that is more neurotypical.  But things are not always equal, as I mentioned in regards to my 1st BPD who was a bit prudish.  So, any ability to predict with any accuracy, I think comes down to the traits of your specific partner.  The fact that he is on online dating sites while with you does not bode well, that for me, would be a "tick mark" in the "oh crap" column of decision making.

A few questions to ponder... .(I don't know anything about you, but I wrote this as if you are female and he is male.  If that is not the case, then just modify the below, no harm intended.  I should have written "preferred sex" instead, but don't want to go back and edit now.)

What is his sexual experience in the past?  Number of partners or sexual practices out of the norm in a hedonistic way?

How impulsive is he?

How self centered and ability to rationalize any behavior/blame it on you/feel justified?

How much does he crave/need/want outside attention and validation, particularly from the opposite sex?

How many close female friends does he have compared to close male friends and what is your knowledge of them?

Does he keep in contact with exes and what is the level of communication?

Has he been unfaithful to others?

How did your relationship start?  Was he with someone else when you met?

Does he drink or do drugs to excess to the point where he can be in a vulnerable state to doing something he would ordinarily decide was not a great idea?

Does he recognize that people that want to stay faithful need to avoid situations where they are more likely to make a bad decision (ex. visit an ex alone, drink, and decide to sleep on her couch (at least at first))?

There are pretty good lists online that help you assess this infidelity risk and it has even been studied somewhat.  I spent time while still in my last relationship looking at these to make sense of my feelings and pretty much the "wisdom of the internets" across a broad sample totally backed up my fears.

[raisins3142]

He's going to cheat, because even with enmeshment and codependency, he will grow so used to you that you no longer function as narcissistic supply. In a healthy r/s, this is when the love matures. You accept each other, your love for each other, and that you will most likely spend the rest of days together. You support each other in daily life etc.

This resonates with my experience.  Once we were just a month or 2 into exclusivity, I got comfortable and showed some weaknesses/"warts" and also gave her a hard time a few times over how she had acted.  I was no longer a steady stream of supply, and she began devaluing.  I have no idea if she had started lining up new supply from another man at that point or in the few remaining months we were together, but I am nearly certain that it would have come to that.  And I would've been driven insane by it slowly.

[apollotech]

"Another part of me is saying I need to run away and never look back and be strong because he keeps hurting me and I dont trust him. It pains me that he thinks I don't love him and will cheat on him."

klacey3,

How can you have anything real with someone that you do not trust? You are very entangled in his words, but the truth is in his actions: he keeps hurting me. You are confused because his actions are not representative of his words. Is your gut feeling telling you to run?

[klacey3]

So basically... .it looks very bad for me. I am just curious, you seem pretty sure he will cheat. Is this because of the original post where I mention the dating site?

I don't think anyone can know this for sure.  But you are likely the one best able to judge this.

I had an earlier, BPDish girlfriend that was very chaste and uncomfortable with male attention, and this was genuine and I knew it.  I don't think she would have cheated on me in the near term had we stayed together.  Also, she did not drink or do any drugs, so no disinhibitors in her system.

As I've gotten older and met more people and heard more about infidelity, I've developed a radar for the type of people that can likely be trusted in this manner.  I'm not sure of your age or life experience and whether this sixth sense sort of thing makes sense.

My latest uBPDexgf that I wrote (too long) about upstream in this thread had "infidelity risk" written all over her based upon my past experience, knowledge, and gut.  Turns out I was right at least in her past.  I finally uncovered that she had cheated on previous partners.  I have no idea if she had on me or not.  I'll never know.  She had plenty of time away from me to accomplish this discreetly if she wished.  I am nearly certain that if we had stayed together that she would have cheated on me, perhaps as a way to "monkey branch" to a new relationship before ending ours, if anything else.  I ended things with her however.

Back to your situation,  I would say, all else being equal, that a person with BPD will have more trouble staying faithful than someone that is more neurotypical.  But things are not always equal, as I mentioned in regards to my 1st BPD who was a bit prudish.  So, any ability to predict with any accuracy, I think comes down to the traits of your specific partner.  The fact that he is on online dating sites while with you does not bode well, that for me, would be a "tick mark" in the "oh crap" column of decision making.

A few questions to ponder... .(I don't know anything about you, but I wrote this as if you are female and he is male.  If that is not the case, then just modify the below, no harm intended.  I should have written "preferred sex" instead, but don't want to go back and edit now.)

What is his sexual experience in the past?  Number of partners or sexual practices out of the norm in a hedonistic way?

How impulsive is he?

How self centered and ability to rationalize any behavior/blame it on you/feel justified?

How much does he crave/need/want outside attention and validation, particularly from the opposite sex?

How many close female friends does he have compared to close male friends and what is your knowledge of them?

Does he keep in contact with exes and what is the level of communication?

Has he been unfaithful to others?

How did your relationship start?  Was he with someone else when you met?

Does he drink or do drugs to excess to the point where he can be in a vulnerable state to doing something he would ordinarily decide was not a great idea?

Does he recognize that people that want to stay faithful need to avoid situations where they are more likely to make a bad decision (ex. visit an ex alone, drink, and decide to sleep on her couch (at least at first))?

There are pretty good lists online that help you assess this infidelity risk and it has even been studied somewhat.  I spent time while still in my last relationship looking at these to make sense of my feelings and pretty much the "wisdom of the internets" across a broad sample totally backed up my fears.

He claims to have very few official relationships. The last few girls he has been with have lasted about a year on and off and weren't official gfs.

He claims apart from me, he has never seen the same one girl for longer than 6 months, when on and off he has seen other girls.

Apparently all his exs and girls he has dated have been headcases and all of them have a lot of issues. He admits that he took.it badly when they broke up, one blocked him, one threatened to call the police (i don't know any more than that) and one threw out his clothes.

The first time he told.me he loved me he said 'i love you, i have said it to girls before and not meant it but I mean it this time' apparently he lied to them because they either said it first or its just something you say in a relationship...

Today I.am very worried about one thing... he told.me he once dated a girl that was a complete psycho and she messaged his.mum and told her something really bad about him that wasn't true. He even told.me a few months ago she was blocked  on facebook. Today I noticed that a few weeks ago she had commented on one of his pictures... only fb friends can comment on pictures. He even 'liked' her comment... this has really freaked me out. I can't cope with any more confusion :-(  I mean this is crazy right?

[fromheeltoheal]

I mean this is crazy right?

Well, social media is a little crazy in general, but what do you want klacey?  You ask in the original post how to break it off; are you moving towards doing that?

[klacey3]

I mean this is crazy right?

Well, social media is a little crazy in general, but what do you want klacey?  You ask in the original post how to break it off; are you moving towards doing that?

What I feel I need right now is validation from other people that the things he says and does are bad and that I am not crazy for being angry and upset and desire to leave. I feel like I am overreacting... .my head is all over the place.

We argued on Tuesday and we have not said a word to eachother since. In all the time I have known him its the longest time we have not spoken to eachother.

[fromheeltoheal]

I mean this is crazy right?

Well, social media is a little crazy in general, but what do you want klacey?  You ask in the original post how to break it off; are you moving towards doing that?

What I feel I need right now is validation from other people that the things he says and does are bad and that I am not crazy for being angry and upset and desire to leave. I feel like I am overreacting... .my head is all over the place.

We argued on Tuesday and we have not said a word to eachother since. In all the time I have known him its the longest time we have not spoken to eachother.

OK, we can do that, and it's understandable that your head is all over the place.  Liking a pic on Facebook isn't a trait of the disorder though, if you tell us more about his behavior as it relates to the disorder, we can tell you what's going on.  Also, you ended up here for a reason; have you read other posts and similarities and see some similarities?

[rjones91]

First and foremost be completely honest with yourself. You are young and still have so much life ahead of you. But the advice from others on this board is some of the most valuable advice you will ever get for free. You have to ultimately do what is best for you. They cheat, They lie, They devalue, and they cheat more. Not trying to be funny, but if he is BPD... .be prepared to be cheated on multiple times and possibly left with no explanation. They make their ex's seem crazy, when in fact they are the crazy ones.

No one can tell you what to do, but I would run like a bat out of hell from this relationship if I was in your shoes.

[klacey3]

I mean this is crazy right?

Well, social media is a little crazy in general, but what do you want klacey?  You ask in the original post how to break it off; are you moving towards doing that?

What I feel I need right now is validation from other people that the things he says and does are bad and that I am not crazy for being angry and upset and desire to leave. I feel like I am overreacting... .my head is all over the place.

We argued on Tuesday and we have not said a word to eachother since. In all the time I have known him its the longest time we have not spoken to eachother.

OK, we can do that, and it's understandable that your head is all over the place.  Liking a pic on Facebook isn't a trait of the disorder though, if you tell us more about his behavior as it relates to the disorder, we can tell you what's going on.  Also, you ended up here for a reason; have you read other posts and similarities and see some similarities?

Its not the fact he liked a comment. Its that he told me this girl  was a psycho who used to spread lies to his family memebers about him. He told me she was blocked. But the truth is she is a friend of his on facebook and are actually in contact on a friendly basis. This seems very messed up.

I have made some posts about his behaviour before. Eg. I spent the whole day doing things for him like driving him around and watching football with him and paying for his lunch. Then i look online researching his new job and he gets annoyed and tells me I am trying to find faults in his work and how i am trying to make him look bad. I ended up annoyed so I went home. Anyway he accuses me of starting an argument because I want to meet up and sleep with someone. I had to block his messages for the rest of the evening. He then joins a dating site and says this is to annoy me and I deserve it because I hurt him.

When I try and talk to him about something I am unhappy with to do with what he has done he tells me I am playing games and how I just like arguing.  In a vulnerable mood he tells me he hates it when we argue because it ruins his whole day and he cant stop thinking about it.

In my original post on here I explain how catching him online on a dating site is apparently my fault.

He used to tell me most days out of the blue he would regret it if he lost me and he feels lucky to have me. It would kill him to lose me apparently. He told me he knows the day will come when I get bored of him.

In the same of 24 hours (a few months ago) he left me a voicemessage saying how he is sorry for being an idiot and he loves me. I didnt respond and he sends me another one saying how i never loved him and have turned everything on him to make him look bad. If i 'hurt him" eg. By talking about something he doesnt want to talk about he sees this as me deliberatly trying to hurt him so he lashes out with horrible comments and threats to meet up with his ex. He says he doesnt mean it but if I hadnt of hurt him in the first place he wouldnt say them.

[fromheeltoheal]

Its that he told me this girl  was a psycho who used to spread lies to his family memebers about him. He told me she was blocked. But the truth is she is a friend of his on facebook and are actually in contact on a friendly basis. This seems very messed up.

That's pretty common, devalue someone to others but continue some sort of relationship with them.  There could be several reasons for that, projection of his own crap on her, shame over secretly having an 'attachment' with her, so overcompensating by slamming her, whatever, but know if he's slamming her to you, he may be slamming you to others.

I spent the whole day doing things for him like driving him around and watching football with him and paying for his lunch. Then i look online researching his new job and he gets annoyed and tells me I am trying to find faults in his work and how i am trying to make him look bad. I ended up annoyed so I went home. Anyway he accuses me of starting an argument because I want to meet up and sleep with someone. I had to block his messages for the rest of the evening. He then joins a dating site and says this is to annoy me and I deserve it because I hurt him.

You sound nice and that you care and want to give to him, and it's not being reciprocated.  The sleeping with someone accusation can come out of fear of abandonment, the core of the disorder, and/or projection; he's cheating on you and feels ashamed about it, so he's projecting those feelings on you and blaming you for it.  My ex would accuse me of checking out every girl who walked by when we were out in public, which I wasn't, although she was having sex with multiple men behind my back; she had to do something to make that feel better in her head.  Up to you to know what your guy is really up to though.  In any case, you sound like you're trying to care and help, and not only is he not reciprocating, he's ungrateful.

When I try and talk to him about something I am unhappy with to do with what he has done he tells me I am playing games and how I just like arguing.  In a vulnerable mood he tells me he hates it when we argue because it ruins his whole day and he cant stop thinking about it.

Borderlines feel all emotions intensely, so if you bring up something important that needs to be discussed, his emotions may take over, he becomes "triggered", he can't have a rational conversation, so he needs to blame you.  If you can't get issues that are important to you resolved in the relationship with open, honest communication you will never be happy.

In my original post on here I explain how catching him online on a dating site is apparently my fault.

I haven't read your past posts klacey, but that's more projection, no fun to be on the receiving end.

He used to tell me most days out of the blue he would regret it if he lost me and he feels lucky to have me. It would kill him to lose me apparently. He told me he knows the day will come when I get bored of him.

In the same of 24 hours (a few months ago) he left me a voicemessage saying how he is sorry for being an idiot and he loves me. I didnt respond and he sends me another one saying how i never loved him and have turned everything on him to make him look bad. If i 'hurt him" eg. By talking about something he doesnt want to talk about he sees this as me deliberatly trying to hurt him so he lashes out with horrible comments and threats to meet up with his ex. He says he doesnt mean it but if I hadnt of hurt him in the first place he wouldnt say them.

Yes, you are entirely responsible for how he feels.  Not.  Excuse the sarcasm, but that's common for someone who can't deal with intense emotions, so they need to blame someone to feel better.  Bottom line is that doesn't sound like a happy situation, and you DO NOT sound crazy, you sound like someone who cares about someone and is trying to meet their needs, and you're not getting yours met in return.  I know the feeling and I'm sorry, it hurts.  Best thing is to focus on your needs, get very selfish for a while, and see if he can, will, or is even capable of meeting them sustainably.  And then act accordingly.  We're here for support and validation, and will tell you the truth, at least as we see it.  Take care of you!

[raisins3142]

I mean this is crazy right?

Well, social media is a little crazy in general, but what do you want klacey?  You ask in the original post how to break it off; are you moving towards doing that?

What I feel I need right now is validation from other people that the things he says and does are bad and that I am not crazy for being angry and upset and desire to leave. I feel like I am overreacting... .my head is all over the place.

We argued on Tuesday and we have not said a word to eachother since. In all the time I have known him its the longest time we have not spoken to eachother.

Ok

Someone that has an online dating profile up while dating someone else "exclusively" is behaving very poorly, so long as they know it is up.

If they check the profile and interact with people through the profile, then it makes it worse.

If their partner finds out about it and they don't IMMEDIATELY take it down, then it is even worse.

So, yeah, this is bad.

He is acting like a jerk.

The fact that he can't obviously see all that is a further problem.

Imagine is a friend of yours found a match.com profile of her boyfriend and the boyfriend would not delete it.  What would you think of that situation that you would be more emotionally removed from?

Listen, people can justify anything they want, especially now a days where everyone wants to be some amateur psychologist, philosopher, or activist.  The language and concepts to twist are laid out like tools for the disingenuous.  If it smells wrong and you don't like it, then believe how you feel and think.

[klacey3]

Its that he told me this girl  was a psycho who used to spread lies to his family memebers about him. He told me she was blocked. But the truth is she is a friend of his on facebook and are actually in contact on a friendly basis. This seems very messed up.

That's pretty common, devalue someone to others but continue some sort of relationship with them.  There could be several reasons for that, projection of his own crap on her, shame over secretly having an 'attachment' with her, so overcompensating by slamming her, whatever, but know if he's slamming her to you, he may be slamming you to others.

I spent the whole day doing things for him like driving him around and watching football with him and paying for his lunch. Then i look online researching his new job and he gets annoyed and tells me I am trying to find faults in his work and how i am trying to make him look bad. I ended up annoyed so I went home. Anyway he accuses me of starting an argument because I want to meet up and sleep with someone. I had to block his messages for the rest of the evening. He then joins a dating site and says this is to annoy me and I deserve it because I hurt him.

You sound nice and that you care and want to give to him, and it's not being reciprocated.  The sleeping with someone accusation can come out of fear of abandonment, the core of the disorder, and/or projection; he's cheating on you and feels ashamed about it, so he's projecting those feelings on you and blaming you for it.  My ex would accuse me of checking out every girl who walked by when we were out in public, which I wasn't, although she was having sex with multiple men behind my back; she had to do something to make that feel better in her head.  Up to you to know what your guy is really up to though.  In any case, you sound like you're trying to care and help, and not only is he not reciprocating, he's ungrateful.

When I try and talk to him about something I am unhappy with to do with what he has done he tells me I am playing games and how I just like arguing.  In a vulnerable mood he tells me he hates it when we argue because it ruins his whole day and he cant stop thinking about it.

Borderlines feel all emotions intensely, so if you bring up something important that needs to be discussed, his emotions may take over, he becomes "triggered", he can't have a rational conversation, so he needs to blame you.  If you can't get issues that are important to you resolved in the relationship with open, honest communication you will never be happy.

In my original post on here I explain how catching him online on a dating site is apparently my fault.

I haven't read your past posts klacey, but that's more projection, no fun to be on the receiving end.

He used to tell me most days out of the blue he would regret it if he lost me and he feels lucky to have me. It would kill him to lose me apparently. He told me he knows the day will come when I get bored of him.

In the same of 24 hours (a few months ago) he left me a voicemessage saying how he is sorry for being an idiot and he loves me. I didnt respond and he sends me another one saying how i never loved him and have turned everything on him to make him look bad. If i 'hurt him" eg. By talking about something he doesnt want to talk about he sees this as me deliberatly trying to hurt him so he lashes out with horrible comments and threats to meet up with his ex. He says he doesnt mean it but if I hadnt of hurt him in the first place he wouldnt say them.

Yes, you are entirely responsible for how he feels.  Not.  Excuse the sarcasm, but that's common for someone who can't deal with intense emotions, so they need to blame someone to feel better.  Bottom line is that doesn't sound like a happy situation, and you DO NOT sound crazy, you sound like someone who cares about someone and is trying to meet their needs, and you're not getting yours met in return.  I know the feeling and I'm sorry, it hurts.  Best thing is to focus on your needs, get very selfish for a while, and see if he can, will, or is even capable of meeting them sustainably.  And then act accordingly.  We're here for support and validation, and will tell you the truth, at least as we see it.  Take care of you!

He isnt diagnosed... does it sound like to you he may have it?

Anyway I feel pretty worthless atm. When I confront him about things he usually doesnt answer which frustrates me even more and then I grt angry and repeat myself and now he thinks im an obsessed, stupid, idiot c***. He has only said i am those those to hurt me but now he means it. apparently I am also the biggest psycho he has ever known... .I hate it because I feel like he has brought out bad traits in me because I know longer feel valued by him or trust him and now its like he hates my personality. 2 weeks ago he invited me on holiday in the summer with his family, one week ago he said he would buck up his ideas and do anything not to lose me. Now he apparently has realised im an obsessed lunatic psycho idiot etc. He has even blocked me which he has never done before. I am probably better off but the whole thing hurts like hell and I dont feel like I can cope with the realisation it is over and the bad thoughts about myself.