Adult children of BPD parents

[Spruce927]

What is your earliest childhood memory of your BPD parent not being "quite right." 

Recently, I can recall a memory with my mother.  She flew off the handle bars about something to me and my sister when we were very young.  I think it had to do with how we behaved with a babysitter.  She was so irate that she took a brush and smashed it into her face and then ran into the bathroom screaming "I'm blind!" My sister and I had to chase after her while she was over the bathroom acting as if she'd lost her site. 

I can also remember her grinding her teeth and smacking herself and her head.  All very scary memories for a child.  What about you?

[isilme]

I had no siblings or others to compare "right", so I think it took a while for the conscious understanding to come through.  What you see as a kid is 'normal', no matter what it is.

I just knew from earliest memory (about 2)  that I was terrified of Dad, and his anger, but after a while, probably by about 5, I had trouble understand why Mom did certain things or reacted certain ways.

As a kid, when you are blindsided by a mood swing, you really don't even know what to call it.  By 8, I had learned terms like "manic depressive" since my Dad was sent to counseling, I think maybe someone noticed the bruises on me or Mom.  Also about that time, I'd learned "suicide" since I had to talk him down from outside a locked bathroom door, and to lie to teachers about my home life so big, mean CPS would not come for me. 

By 10, I understood but would never state that my mom was a substance abuser of her prescription narcotic meds, and late night trips to an ER for her Demerol shot was not uncommon, as were the angry discussions on the way home about being denied because they can only give you so many of them.  I also had a better idea of what manic depressive meant when Dad would spend hours sitting alone in the family room, in the dark, brooding, between outbursts.

By 11 I learned it's okay to teach your kid to drive instead of getting your wife cleaned up, because she kept driving under the influence, and the last time, the kid did not know how to control the mini van well, and steered it into a telephone pole to stop it from the passenger seat.

By 13-14, I thought it as cool how much I was allowed to hear and watch adult topics, from stripping contest videos Dad brought home, "count-the-hookers" drives we'd take as a family through the red light district, and conversations I cringe now to classify as emotional incest.

By Christmas just before turning 15, I knew Mom was a lost cause after mixing laxative and sleeping pills made a huge mess, then one massive overdose where I kept her breathing until the ambulance arrived, and we were evicted the same week because she's somehow forgotten to pay rent for months. 

By summer when I was 15, I learned that getting in the car with the man who just tried to strangle your mother before you stopped him was the only thing that made sense, somehow, and driving across several states to go stay with HIS parents who made him into the person he is today. 

By 19, I learned he wanted me out of his life when he kicked me out, and tried to defame me so no family, church members or friends wold take me in or help me.

By 21, I learned that Dad had lied about Mom never contacting me, but that it was a mixed blessing.  After 5 years of contact, I had to go NC to stop becoming enmeshed again, and being subject to ID theft from her.  I tried again at 30, had to stop again, probably for good, as she can't stop herself from ID theft and attempts at enmeshment.

Now at 38, I am trying to come to terms with it all, and with allowing myself to not feel bad about maintaining NC.

[Spruce927]

isilme,

Wow thank you for sharing.  It sounds like you went through some serious trauma.  I'm sad to hear you had some truly horrible experiences. 

How are you working on healing yourself at this time?

[isilme]

Spruce,

The REALLY weird thing?  Unless I see it written like I did above... .It's really hard to accept, still, that that was my childhood.  And those a some of the stand outs, not the odd, moody, uncertain day to day.

I like to write, it helps.  I used to keep a diary until Dad kicked me out, found it, and photocopied the sad thoughts of a 10-19 year old me and mailed them out to relatives and even FIs parents, along with excerpts from my new relationship with FI, (at 19, he's been my one and only, and problems we've had aside, he stuck by me through that, and through being stalked by ex-Army ranger Dad).  I like this, because the name I chose in this site is not related to anything I usually use as a 'handle' so it feels safe.  Writing helps see patterns, it allows you to think as you share, and re read what you wrote to see how your feelings change over time or with the seasons.

It's also good to have a place to come where people have similar stories.  It makes me sad to read them, and angry, but validating for me, too.  I wrote just the other day about how people dismiss BPD type of family stories if they don't have that in their life experience, because really, a lot of it is so bizarre and irrational, how could a mother or father do these things? Or a sibling? Lover? 

I DID find here is a limit to how long it's good to stay on here in a timeframe, as too much ruminating can make you miss things that are good or healthy in real life, now.  It can get tempting to reply to everything, so when I find that happening, it's time for a break, a new book, some exercise, etc.  I know for me, I feel better in the sunnier times of the year, so this extended winter has been depressing.

For a while, I DID get on anti depressants, but after a year and a benefit losing layoff, I weaned myself off them, so that when I got back my insurance, I told my doctor I did not want to continue hem.  They are a good tool, and if you need them you need them, but medication resistance seems to run in the family, so I want to keep off things as much as I can until needed.

You are pretty new to reading and learning about all of this if I read your first post right, so just take it slow.  Realize that you are allowed to have your own feelings, and that parents a often just people who had kids, and maybe even tried to do their best, but they have problems they don't realize or can admit, which handicaps their ability to BE parents.  I meant what I said about NC, it's okay.  Even if you just use it as a type of boundary, not an ultimatum, but a boundary, where in your mind you decide what it will take to continue or cut ties with your mom.  She will not even need to know.  Just you, and any siblings or family you feel can understand.  Trying to tell your mom things like stop the emails or else does no real good, and she will just add it to her victimization ploys.  Read the discussions and maybe some of the recommended books, and if you want face to face, here are lots of option to be found for counseling, from clergy to family clinics. 

((Hugs))

[Spruce927]

Isilme,

Thanks so much for your input.  When you say you can't believe that this is your childhood even as your write it, I understand that.  Your dads actions of copying your diary at such a young age are absolutely heart breaking.  It sounds exactly like something my mother would do and I'll never understand this. 

It's funny you mention writing because I've been blogging about my experience just so that I have something to look back on and read my progress. 

I too was put on anti depressants, but for anxiety.  It's funny I never was depressed growing up or into adulthood but my anxiety was SKY high.  My psychiatrist put me on celexa which I've been on for almost 2 years.  I had my first panic attack after I took my mom in the middle of the night to an institution for help and she escaped after I dropped her off (driving almost 3 hours.)  I don't want to be on this forever, and my talk therapist and psychologist both agree I'm a great candidate to get off of them.  Right now I'm using them as a "tool" like you said to be able to control my anxiety while I heal. 

I agree with what you said about taking things slow.  While I'm absolutely new to the boards, I'm not new to dealing with my moms illness.  She was diagnosed as bi polar and as I said before, it was recently that I finally put the pieces together and found out about BPD.  The reason I'm so eager to share on here is because it's like a huge light bulb went off.  I read other people's stories and I think, ok THIS is what I'm dealing with. 

My partner is a psychologist, and last night I was talking to her about me posting on here.  Oddly, I feel right now it's important to connect with people who know what I'm going through.  My personal therapist listens well and I've come to realize a lot.  My partner listens and is fully supportive as well.  We call it my healing "journey."  I absolutely see where you say that you could become consumed about this, but I have a great support system and keep very busy.  Responding for now has been an outlet to say (and admit to myself) that I hid a lot of my moms behavior.  It was so irrational and bizarre that I kept that secret and that's a heavy burden.  I find it therapeutic to express that she did in fact behave this way and at the time I just simply didn't understand it. 

Anyway, I thank you so much for the advice.  It helps to hear from people who these terrible experiences and seem to be coping and holding up well.  I'm finding strength just from your words, so thank you.