no responses

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So in the last 6 weeks I emailed the ex telling him dd has a dentist appointments, pointed out that I have all the holidays, birthdays, etc, just because of our rotating schedule up until final hearing in September, told him I was willing to share those days to be fair, asked him if he would like to come to dd's infant development screening in 2 weeks, he has not responded to any email since February. We exchange dd every 3 days. Should I just let my emails go? I am guessing he will ask me the day before each holiday to have dd and then make me the bad guy if I say " no I offered 2 months ago."

[rarsweet]

So in the last 6 weeks I emailed the ex telling him dd has a dentist appointments, pointed out that I have all the holidays, birthdays, etc, just because of our rotating schedule up until final hearing in September, told him I was willing to share those days to be fair, asked him if he would like to come to dd's infant development screening in 2 weeks, he has not responded to any email since February. We exchange dd every 3 days. Should I just let my emails go? I am guessing he will ask me the day before each holiday to have dd and then make me the bad guy if I say " no I offered 2 months ago."

[Panda39]

You offered... .he has not responded, I wouldn't push it. He's a grown up either he wants to see your daughter or he doesn't.   If after a period of time he doesn't respond,  I would send a follow up email telling him that since you haven't heard from him you will be going back to the original schedule.  Follow up so you can make your own plans and so you can document that the offer was taken off the table.

[Sunfl0wer]

My bf exwife would do this intentionally.  She didn't want to commit to things ahead of time as she preferred to create last minute desperation drama.  I told my bf at the time that we needed to set a boundary around this, decide together a #of days prior to the upcoming break to offer a change, and then stick with it.  For example, I think we did two weeks. We told her that we were making plans and needed two weeks notice of any request of change in schedule for our own schedules.  (The real reason was for D to feel stability but we dare not express this as she would think we were undermining her parenting) If she could not make a schedule change request two weeks in advance, then we reminded he that we needed two weeks notice and we stuck to that.  If she did ask ahead, then we tried to accommodate within reason.  That helped our sanity... .just a wee bit.  We eventually had this written in our PP to include a notorized letter provided by her of any agreed change as she liked to draw it all out and mess with times, locations and change every single bit she could.

[livednlearned]

I would let the emails go.

You will always have to be the responsible person in this dynamic -- you have to do twice as much as his less than half in order to create something manageable for yourself.

You were reasonable, and offered to work this out. He is not able to right now. If he wants to create last-minute drama, you can always set a boundary early, and stick to it consistently, until he learns that you are serious.

Or you can revisit closer to the date, knowing this will probably come up.

I found that the predictable nature of my ex made it very easy to guess what would happen. If I offered something, he figured there was a secret agenda. Because his nature is to be contrary to me at all costs, I knew that whatever I offered, no matter how much I might be thinking about him, he would say no.

[momtara]

Ugh, what is it about them not committing to dates? I think it gives them pressure or anxiety. If they really do have the emotions of a 3-year-old, thinking far ahead is not in their list of talents. I know also that if a date or holiday was important to me, he'd manipulate by not committing. You could send a text too. I know the advice here is to let it go, but I guess I was like you, I didn't want to be asked about this at the last minute.

In our agreement we have specified where ex has to notify me x time before each weekend whether he is taking the kids or his plans are changing. Unfortunately we compromised on only 24 hours' notice but he usually takes them so it's not a big issue right now. It was an issue before we set it all in stone.