i want to understand, help, support and love someone who is pushing me away

[suzibm]

I met the man who is perfect for me (not perfect just perfect for me). He has made decisions in life that he regrets, his marriage ended, close family have been seriously ill or died and he's in a mess. He's pushed and pushed I've not seen him for two months and I don't want the relationship to end I would like to work this thru. I don't know what to do or say to help him. I won't leave and I won't let him down he's just so scared. The relationship has been tough now for longer than it was fantastic - its not awful when its tough I just have to work hard to get him to see me. I want to learn how best to handle things with him, I know I push too much at times and that makes him feel pressured so he pulls away- we seem to be in a vicious circle.

[LonelyChild]

You CANNOT fix someone else. Keep your boundaries in check. It will most likely result in your r/s falling apart. If someone has a life long history of making bad decisions, why would they start making good decisions when you are around?

[EaglesJuju]

Hi suzibm,   



I am sorry that you are going through this. I understand how difficult it is to cope with push and pull cycles. 

I understand that you want to help your significant other by learning how to handle him.  Many times people with BPD (pwBPD) tend to pull away when they are feeling engulfed or overwhelmed.

This site has many resources to improve communication with your pwBPD. 

Perhaps you can share more of your story so we can support and help you better.

Why have you not seen him for two months?

[Mutt]

Hi suzibm,



I'm sorry to hear that. It's frustrating when we're trying to make things work with our instincts; and / or advice from a T, family, friends may also not be working when a partner suffers from a mental illness. The relationship r/s dynamics are different and people that have not gone through it may not be able to empathize.

I can relate.

I'd like to echo EaglesJuju, your partner has social impairments and it helps to learn about the disorder. Our members share similar experiences and we're here to help. I'm glad that you have joined us, there is hope.

Hang in there.

----Mutt

[felix22]

From my experience, the most painful thing, is trying to hold on, as someone pulls away/detaches from a relationship. I've found that it's much more productive to accept the loss. After accepting it, you can begin to work through the grieving with friends, family and ideally group or individual counseling, such as AA, or a therapist. You will survive this and be stronger on the other end. Hang in there, get outdoors/fresh air, and do things to spoil yourself... .hot baths, good entertainment, etc.