It's been 5 weeks since uBpdSO and I had a huge "argument" and consequently he dysreguated whereupon he didn't speak for days and he proclaimed our r/s was toxic.
I was in complete FOG.
I always assume he really means it "this time". He has "gotten rid" of me twice before, once for 6 months and we reconciled at his suggestion and another time for a week and again he suggested that I should come back. There have been many episodes when I thought he doesn't really want to be with me. I have in the past always thought that this time we really will separate. However, I have now discovered this site and it really has done me wonders to read the lessons and everyone's accounts of their life with a SO with BPD.
Townhouse, this sounds like good progress. I had this experience early in my relationship, before I was aware of BPD. When he would get angry, I would think, " this is it, it is over." But, gradually, I learned that with space and a little time, things would come back around.
I have been far more relaxed and taken time for myself rather than focused on what SO next move was going to be.
Great! Doesn't it feel good to take care of yourself?
Gradually we are getting a little more connected. He caught himself saying "we're good, we're good" which he does as a way of reassuring himself that life is OK.
We nearly had a scene when I bought the wrong thing to hang brackets from the wall. He started on me that "I don't listen'. ( I now see this as a projection because I am actually the one who does most of the listening) ... .I felt myself feeling belittled and in the past I probably would have Jaded but now because I am finally aware that that is what I was doing... .this time I didn't. I just swallowed the insults, got in the car and went and changed the damn things. It was fine. No explanations no escalations.
No JADEing has worked for me, too. I normally have good intentions and want to explain myself, but it doesn't help and just makes me feel more anxious and gives him more to grumble about.
As I have come to understand, our relationship will never be the fairy tale (and what r/s is ever that good) but I believe that it is possible for us to exist in relative BPD harmony. OK OK till the next time. Born optimist that's me.
I am naturally optimistic, too. Maybe that is how we can start new again and again. So happy you have found more harmony. Keep up the good work and keep taking care of yourself.