BPD trying to change visitation schedule

[suffering_parent]

My exBPD has only 3 visits with the kids per year.   Every single time it is drama filled with her not being able to get here.

So this time she filed a motion to have the dates changed a week before the visit.   The judge is holding a hearing tomorrow.   If the judge allows it the visit would take place in two days.   The problem I have is that the visit is suppose to be supervised.   The supervisor is already scheduled and paid for the next week.   She has to take off work to do the supervision so its not easy to change.

I can't imagine the judge going along with this, but its always makes me nervous.   It seems to me she would require a modification request to change anything in a final order anyways.   I am quite surprised by the hearing it came in very short notice as I just got it yesterday.

Her reason for changing the dates is because her boyfriend has off from work those days to drive her.   Otherwise she has no way to get here.

The insanity of it is she will drive 20+ hrs to get here and only stay 1-2 days and then drive back.   She stayed less then 24hrs last time after doing that drive.

[livednlearned]

Hi suffering_parent,

It's a lot of drama for such little time, I'm sorry you have to go through this each time. Do the kids have a hard time too?

Everything that you mentioned sounds like a pattern that the judge might want to hear. I can imagine the judge making the decision to grant the change, but then ask your ex to pay for the supervisor. And that this payment will never materialize. I found it helped to give the judge the solution, and let that guide the hearing. "Your honor, it is understandable that the kids' mom might need to change the visitation period. It is unfortunate that there is a pattern of this happening, often without much time to make alternate arrangements. I support her making up for missed time. When she did not use all 72 hours of her last visitation, I was willing to help make it possible for her to see the kids when she was only here for 24 hours. Your honor, I am doing my best to support my kids having a safe relationship with their mother. I propose that BPD mom be able to change her schedule as needed, but I ask the court to help me do this by putting some safeguards in place so that is has less impact on the kids. For example, this supervisor has had to do xyz in order to supervise, and all of this has been arranged x months in advance. Kids are expecting next week they will see their mom. I would like to make the recommendation that all future changes must be made within x weeks, unless BPD mom can make payments for the change in supervision, and arrange for someone to be available."

Something that outlines exactly what BPD mom needs to do in order to change the schedule so that you are not left cleaning up the mess. But making it clear to the judge that you are doing what you can, following the order, and are in a sense being punished for trying to adhere to the order, and could the court help a guy out here following these recommendations.

Otherwise, the judge often seems to resolve things in a way where you are still left trying to enforce things. You want to recommend something that shifts the responsibility to your ex.

[Ben20033]

Wow Im sorry you guys have to go threw that I know just how frustrating it is! 

[suffering_parent]

Well it went really badly and I think I need a lawyer at all times.   Judge only cared about her being allowed time with kids.   She didn't want to hear anything from me and said I should be flexible.

Flexible with a person with BPD does not work.   Now every visit will be even a bigger nightmare.   I already lined up consults with new lawyers.   Mine moved away on me.

[livednlearned]

I'm sorry to hear that, suffering_parent. Things move so quickly in court, and judges make up their minds on such limited information.

I know there are people here who represent themselves. I never felt that was a luxury I could take because my ex was a lawyer himself. Because he was an attorney (representing himself), I probably spent more time in court than many here have had to do. My observation is that a bad lawyer can really mess things up, plus cost you money, but a good lawyer is more than worth the price. Mine was excellent. She knew how the judge ruled, and oriented our strategy based on that. She was also a very good trial lawyer. Not all family law court lawyers are good at that -- they might know the law, but when it comes to standing up in front of a judge, not all lawyers are created equal.

That might be something you want to ask your next lawyer -- if they spend a lot of time in court. Some seem to try hard to avoid it. It's a stressful environment for them, standing up in front of their peers, and the judge, and trying to win cases.

[suffering_parent]

This was sprung on me with only 2 days to prepare.   No time to find a lawyer.    I just can't understand what the point of having a final order in place if it is suppose to be negotiable.   It makes no sense.

The judge seemed to think I could find a supervisor with no issues given 24 hrs.   I am in a real bind trying to find someone who can trust to protect my kids in a short amount of time.

[ForeverDad]

If you didn't 'settle' or 'agree' to the decision then you probably have 10 days or so to file an objection or request reconsideration though I guess you'd have to abide by this order in the meantime.  What you would seek to change is not that she can't reschedule, I can understand the judge's perspective that some flexibility is appropriate, instead try to set a requirement for a minimum length of advance notice required due to the fact that supervision has to be scheduled.

Sounds like you need to locate someone who can be an alternate supervisor?

[suffering_parent]

If you didn't 'settle' or 'agree' to the decision then you probably have 10 days or so to file an objection or request reconsideration though I guess you'd have to abide by this order in the meantime.  What you would seek to change is not that she can't reschedule, I can understand the judge's perspective that some flexibility is appropriate, instead try to set a requirement for a minimum length of advance notice required due to the fact that supervision has to be scheduled.

Sounds like you need to locate someone who can be an alternate supervisor?

I can't do anything the visit starts in less than 24 hours and my supervisor can't do it.   It was hard enough finding one and I have to pay her for no work.   Calling everyone I know, but most people don't want to be around her.    I can't blame them.

I understand the judge wants them to have time with their mother, but she doesn't always understand the situation.   She sees a ton of cases in our small town and I am sure doesn't remember the details.   She gave me literally 1 minute to object.   The order was emailed to me stating I objected because of personal inconvenience.   So trying to find supervision in less then 24 hours to protect the kids is my inconvenience.

[Nope]

Make sure you document all efforts you have made to find a suitable supervisor. If no one can be found then no one can be found. The visit is cancelled. She'll haul you back into court for obstructing her visit, and you (with a lawyer) will have to explain every step you took to try and make it work. Ultimately, the visit will end up being rescheduled. Sounds like you'll probably get yelled at as well. But priority one on your plate is the protection of the kids. She was given supervised visitation for a reason.

[livednlearned]

Is the emergency hearing judge the same one you would face if you filed to modify things so that she has to give more than x hours advance notice?

[suffering_parent]

Well I decided to get friends to supervise.    It is suppose to be a neutral third party, but that just wasn't going to happen short notice.   So I got three different friends doing it.

The judge has created a huge nightmare for me.   She doesn't want to follow any of the court order now.   She is already emailing me threats to break all of it and she is going to make further motions for next visit.    Hopefully the judge will start to figure it out.   I have interviews this week to find a new lawyer.   I hate having to spend so much money on legal costs when I am supporting four kids with no child support.   It really has a huge impact on the quality of life I can provide them.

It's just so crazy.   I am paying for everything, letting them use my house, paying for the food, letting her use my van today.   How is that not flexible and not supporting her visits.   I may pull the rest of my hair out now.