She's not contacting me

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Anyone else have a breakup where your BPD SO did not contact you after the split? -or did it take time? -or something else?

After I left, she texted ONCE at the end of the day obviously when she got home and noticed me gone. Then tried calling.  It's been a week and NOTHING else.  Should I feel cheated or is this too a way of manipulation?  Seems it's not going to be as easy as I thought after leaving.   But I did make it out alive! (barely)

[DyingLove]

Anyone else have a breakup where your BPD SO did not contact you after the split? -or did it take time? -or something else?

After I left, she texted ONCE at the end of the day obviously when she got home and noticed me gone. Then tried calling.  It's been a week and NOTHING else.  Should I feel cheated or is this too a way of manipulation?  Seems it's not going to be as easy as I thought after leaving.   But I did make it out alive! (barely)

[JRT]

Be prepared for ANYTHING... .mine blocked me immediately and I have not heard anything since... .she might contact you an hour from now, next week or never. Unfortunately there is no way to discern.

How long were you with her? It sounds like you did the breaking up... .is that correct?

[LimboFL]

She will, give it time. I ended the last short recycle with my ex with a "please never contact me again... ." so it's very likely that she won't ever contact me again, which is perfect. Even now, a small part of me wants her to just because it would prove that she was thinking of me, but in the long run, I would be quite happy if she wasn't. It doesn't matter any more, because I don't trust her and therefore don't want her in my life. I am the one who is forgetting, even though I have yet to do so.

However, even though we had a very rough initial break up (found out about replacement and what came out of my mouth was not very kind or pleasant) she communicated several times by text, on my birthday, at other times. My ex is the independent and hyper defiant type. I mean you don't get any more stoic and yet she did reach out.

Give it time. I know it hurts when they don't communicate but trust me, it's for the best. It is very hard when they do. It cuts the distance that you were building between you both. Two steps forward, one step back.

[jhkbuzz]

Anyone else have a breakup where your BPD SO did not contact you after the split? -or did it take time? -or something else?

After I left, she texted ONCE at the end of the day obviously when she got home and noticed me gone. Then tried calling.  It's been a week and NOTHING else.  Should I feel cheated or is this too a way of manipulation?  Seems it's not going to be as easy as I thought after leaving.   But I did make it out alive! (barely)

I'm trying to understand... .you moved out without telling her, so she came home and you (and your stuff) were gone, is that correct?  She texted you at the end of that day, did you respond?

[JPH]

It's way too early to assume you won't hear from her. As my ex's psychologist (to whom I'd sent her) said to me, "Whether it's good or bad, you probably haven't heard the last of her." Unfortunately for me he was right. Enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts. It may be the calm before the storm.

[ShadowIntheNight]

It's way too early to assume you won't hear from her. As my ex's psychologist (to whom I'd sent her) said to me, "Whether it's good or bad, you probably haven't heard the last of her." Unfortunately for me he was right. Enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts. It may be the calm before the storm.

It's been 7 months for me. I really don't expect to hear from her. How long before your ex contacted you?

[JPH]

It's been 7 months for me. I really don't expect to hear from her. How long before your ex contacted you?

It's been quite a few years, but I think the first strange call I suspected came from her (from a blocked number) occurred about two or three months after the breakup. After she'd cheated on me but told me she didn't want to lose me. And after she told me she'd moved on and asked me to leave her alone. And they somehow, someway continued despite the fact that I changed my number, then unlisted my number... .and that a judge advised her to leave my family and me alone after two false charges and a protracted smear campaign... .and despite the fact that I moved three hours away... .then to another state... .then entered into a long-term relationship with another woman. The hangups lasted for about three years after the breakup. It took absolute silence - no reaction whatsoever, positive or negative - before she got bored and finally left me alone for good.

[ShadowIntheNight]

It's been 7 months for me. I really don't expect to hear from her. How long before your ex contacted you?

It's been quite a few years, but I think the first strange call I suspected came from her (from a blocked number) occurred about two or three months after the breakup. After she'd cheated on me but told me she didn't want to lose me. And after she told me she'd moved on and asked me to leave her alone. And despite the fact that I changed my number, then unlisted my number... .and that a judge advised her to leave my family and me alone after two false charges and a protracted smear campaign... .and despite the fact that I moved three hours away... .then to another state... .then entered into a long-term relationship with another woman.

Well, I have had blocked hang up calls every month except this one since last September. Don't understand it, particularly when she says nothing and hangs up after I say hello. Thanks JPH.

[JPH]

Well, I have had blocked hang up calls every month except this one since last September. Don't understand it, particularly when she says nothing and hangs up after I say hello. Thanks JPH.

That's precisely how it went for me, too. Once I returned home from a very short business trip and found 30-something calls and hangups within a span of about 24 or so hours. That actually happened more than once. Always hangups. Never a message or a word. They must all come from the same planet or go to the same school.

[sun seeker]

  :)ying hey brother.

So glad to hear you got out.   . I have been right where you are not so long ago. Wanting to know if she is thinking of me. Im willing to bet she most definitely is thinking about you. Big time. You triggered her abandonment one of a BPD biggest fears. And she is  trying to sooth herself by whatever means she can.

I did the same just walked away. Try not to beat yourself up. You owe her nothing , not an excuse/explanation (she knows what she has done)and closer dont get me started.  She has totally expected you to leave through most  of your r/s . And it was so effin hard to walk away and so effin worth it.  I stepped it up and made it to where my dexBPDgf  cannot contact me by any means. There is snail mail but it I dont have to open it and I would never. (This would be hard as hell)

Im well on my way to healing , any set back (contact) is unacceptable.  I still have days where I do want to contact her.  Whats the point . It just going to hurt me .

You have a hard road ahead believe me. You've done exactly what's best for you. Take care of your self ,  you are most important person in your life. In a relatively short time you will feel better. Feel.every felling , cry every tear, let the healing begin. Im proud of you . We have your back stay in touch buddy.

[JRT]

. They must all come from the same planet or go to the same school.[/quote]
That's funny!

For the past three weeks, I have been getting calls from spoofed numbers. Always the same: I answer and there is no one on the line but no dial tone as if someone hung up. Likely muted beforehand. They never hang up and the numbers are always spoofed. I wonder if this is a harbinger of contact or if it is just soothing for them.

[JPH]

For the past three weeks, I have been getting calls from spoofed numbers. Always the same: I answer and there is no one on the line but no dial tone as if someone hung up. Likely muted beforehand. They never hang up and the numbers are always spoofed. I wonder if this is a harbinger of contact or if it is just soothing for them.

At some point her little "eruptions" no longer even bothered me. And I didn't care anymore about the motive(s) behind them. It took a long, long time to reach that point, but it felt so good. Keep the faith, y'all.

[once removed]

please do your best not to focus on whether or not you have/will hear from this person, as it just prolongs you feeling involved in the dynamic. other posters are correct in saying you may, you may not, and the time frame. if youre going to hope it comes, hope that it comes when you are detached.

personally i clung to all hope for contact, and it prolonged my healing. i did get it, ive gotten it twice. she will send a facebook friend request, and after a few hours, cancel it. fortunately i was long past her, and when it happened i saw it for what it was, bizarre if not meaningless. had it happened early in my recovery, it would have sent me into a tail spin, and id have analyzed it for hours, over something so absurd and meaningless. it wasnt about me or us, it wasnt due to any kind of revelation, so it wasnt something to take personally. all it ultimately meant was "i still exist" and thats generally all it means.

[Their Dad]

Im well on my way to healing , any set back (contact) is unacceptable.  I still have days where I do want to contact her.  Whats the point . It just going to hurt me .

You have a hard road ahead believe me. You've done exactly what's best for you. Take care of your self ,  you are most important person in your life. In a relatively short time you will feel better. Feel.every felling , cry every tear, let the healing begin. Im proud of you . We have your back stay in touch buddy.

This is very well put and helpful.  Thank you.

[Reecer1588]

please do your best not to focus on whether or not you have/will hear from this person, as it just prolongs you feeling involved in the dynamic. other posters are correct in saying you may, you may not, and the time frame. if youre going to hope it comes, hope that it comes when you are detached.

personally i clung to all hope for contact, and it prolonged my healing. i did get it, ive gotten it twice. she will send a facebook friend request, and after a few hours, cancel it. fortunately i was long past her, and when it happened i saw it for what it was, bizarre if not meaningless. had it happened early in my recovery, it would have sent me into a tail spin, and id have analyzed it for hours, over something so absurd and meaningless. it wasnt about me or us, it wasnt due to any kind of revelation, so it wasnt something to take personally. all it ultimately meant was "i still exist" and thats generally all it means.

After 50 days of deafening silence now it'd be nice to have something of hers that shows me that she still recognizes that I exist. I really like reading the posts where y'all say "OH they're definitely thinking about you"

So dyinglove I'm right there with you. I know exactly how you feel.

Stay strong

[once removed]

reecer, i more than understand that feeling. im not saying it wont happen. im telling you what its worth if it does, and the potential consequences. youre having ordinary expectations of a disordered person. the fact is its not about you or whether or not you exist. of course you exist. id urge you to read about the kinds of contact others have received. its typically confusing and/or angering. thats neither conducive to healing or the kind of validation we hope for.

im not judging. i was obsessed with the idea that id be contacted. it didnt hurt me when i got it and it wont necessarily hurt everyone that does. but craving that validation prolonged my healing, and id suggest that it does in general.

"I really like reading the posts where y'all say "OH they're definitely thinking about you"

reecer, there is simply no way for strangers to know whether or not a stranger to them is thinking about another stranger to them. if i saw a post with a person desperately hurting and longing to know that, as i was, id probably offer similar advice, but i would temper it. in all probability, BPD or not, most people do not simply forget others exist. so the idea that you would be on their mind at a given point i think is fairly certain. but first of all that attempts to get into another persons mind, which is impossible, and more importantly, is a presumably non BPD trying to get into the mind of a pwBPD. and when i say that, ill stress, i dont mean to suggest for a second that attempting to understand the disorder is futile; its all i did for months, and i consider it to have been helpful in my healing. but i think its fair to say a stranger doesnt know what or how often a stranger is thinking of a stranger, or when or why there hasnt been a contact between the two.

edit: more importantly, similarities acknowledged, everyone here has been through and reported a different experience. some have been contacted. some have not. some have several years later. situations vary as do people with this disorder.

[once removed]

reecer, i want to say i completely misread your comment before i replied. i felt we were disagreeing, and that was the manner in which i replied. id encourage you to read my reply more as an elaboration on my previous comment, because i meant what i said, but i thought my previous comment had kind of annoyed or angered you when it seems you were more or less agreeing with me. hope that clears up any confusion. my bad

[mitatsu]

Why would you invite a emotional tornado to visit your newly built house

[Loosestrife]

The key is to get to a point where you are not thinking about her.

[Loosestrife]

Why would you invite a emotional tornado to visit your newly built house

Great quote 

[Deeno02]

7 months out and no contact... .well except from me telling her I was glad shes happy. (I was replaced a week after being dumped.) That led to a text beat down from her(shocked she still had my number as I dont have hers). Anyway, I have the misfortune of her coaching my son's volleyball team, so I have to see her 2 times a week. So far, I have said nothing to her, I go about my business as I always do. I even went to the table she was siting at with the other coaches(our first time seeing each other in 7 months), said good evening to them all, joked with one of the coaches(I usually do that anyway) grabbed my handouts and went and sat down. Long story short, I believe Im sufficently painted every shade of black as that she wont contact me at all. I dont exactly rule it out, but thus far I imagine the love bombing, honeymoon, thank you for rescuing me from Deeno, love circus continues to work. Thank you Mr. Old College buddy replacement guy. You are a true hero.

[DyingLove]

Be prepared for ANYTHING... .mine blocked me immediately and I have not heard anything since... .she might contact you an hour from now, next week or never. Unfortunately there is no way to discern.

How long were you with her? It sounds like you did the breaking up... .is that correct?

We were together a total of four years. That included our long-distance relationship on Facebook as well as being together. The breaking up came after an argument we had. The argument itself is complicated also but to make a long story short, she never stood by me in support and that argument was a offshoot of that along with the fact that she knew very well how to back me into a corner until I had no other way out but lashing out. After that of course it was my fault in her eyes and I could still feel the guilt even though I know it wasn't my fault.

The next day after the argument things did not get better and she said to me "if you don't like it here you could leave", I said to her or I should say that I acknowledged that I know that, her response to that was "prove it!" The face she had on when she said it was by far the devil.

[DyingLove]

Anyone else have a breakup where your BPD SO did not contact you after the split? -or did it take time? -or something else?

After I left, she texted ONCE at the end of the day obviously when she got home and noticed me gone. Then tried calling.  It's been a week and NOTHING else.  Should I feel cheated or is this too a way of manipulation?  Seems it's not going to be as easy as I thought after leaving.   But I did make it out alive! (barely)

I'm trying to understand... .you moved out without telling her, so she came home and you (and your stuff) were gone, is that correct?  She texted you at the end of that day, did you respond?

The day came for the move. It was 19 March. I had not seen her since the Sunday prior. During the breakup time while I was still under the same roof those things that made her happy I guess. Probably stayed at her mother's house. So that week she took off two days, and in a pleasant way within some nice conversation I asked her what she decided she was doing with those days off. That happened to be spring break and her child was with her ex for that week. She had told me that her brother had bought her tickets for Disney World so her and the child were going. What wasn't this a kick in the ass! First off her brother whom is a piece of trash in my opinion had instigated the argument that we had. It actually stemmed from an ongoing thing, but the two of them were like peas in a pod she cared more about everybody else than she did about me. That's an absolute fact.

I had stated to her that I would have liked to go to Disney world also had we still been together. She stated she knew about it for some time. I asked her if she broke up with me so she can go to Disney World? This was the doing of her brother. That gives you a little insight into what was going on.

Well anyway, Monday she stayed away Tuesday and Wednesday most likely were the days that she went to Disney, and then she went to work on Thursday morning no doubt from her mother's house. Thursday morning, my body came from New York to save my life. We moved out and we were on our way by approximately 3 PM. She must've been at work. At 6:02 PM I received a text from her. That text said exactly this "so, I guess you aren't here." About 30 seconds later there was a phone call from her number, I did not respond to the text and I did not respond to the phone call. That's how it all transpired in a nutshell.

So not hearing from her from that date till now, I was wondering if I was being cheated out of the natural methods that the BPD uses during this period. As I gave it some thought I figured it would be a further method of manipulation. I'm not sure if I was trying to flatter myself by expecting her to try and contact me after all this. Maybe I was. Maybe I wanted her to be in some type of pain or situation where she would see the light. Good luck with that one I guess. Right now I'm going through those aftermath feelings where I've calm down and I'm thinking about her and all the junk swishing around in my mind. Why it happened could have been prevented could we work again, all that junk. I did not contact her, and I have no plans of doing such. I've been praying a lot, and trying to keep busy in my newly found life again. I know I'm week is a son of a gun, my mind is not working up to par yet and I'm probably pissing people off that I talk about this stuff so much. I just feel that I'm not done venting. I feel almost like I need more people like myself around me. I don't think I'm looking for pity, but I am looking for sympathy and understanding. Five years ago if you told me I was going to be in this kind of shape, I would have laughed. I didn't even know about BPD or any types of mental issues and anguish that people go through. It just didn't seem to be in the cards back then. But I look back at all the little things, even the expression on her face and the words out of her mouth when we use the Skype. Totally totally visible at this point.

[DyingLove]

 :)ying hey brother.

So glad to hear you got out.   . I have been right where you are not so long ago. Wanting to know if she is thinking of me. Im willing to bet she most definitely is thinking about you. Big time. You triggered her abandonment one of a BPD biggest fears. And she is  trying to sooth herself by whatever means she can.

I did the same just walked away. Try not to beat yourself up. You owe her nothing , not an excuse/explanation (she knows what she has done)and closer dont get me started.  She has totally expected you to leave through most  of your r/s . And it was so effin hard to walk away and so effin worth it.  I stepped it up and made it to where my dexBPDgf  cannot contact me by any means. There is snail mail but it I dont have to open it and I would never. (This would be hard as hell)

Im well on my way to healing , any set back (contact) is unacceptable.  I still have days where I do want to contact her.  Whats the point . It just going to hurt me .

You have a hard road ahead believe me. You've done exactly what's best for you. Take care of your self ,  you are most important person in your life. In a relatively short time you will feel better. Feel.every felling , cry every tear, let the healing begin. Im proud of you . We have your back stay in touch buddy.

Thank you sun seeker.

Out of all the people I've read, you always seem to have the most similar incidents to what has happened and what is happening to me.

But one thing is for certain I'm back in New York and I wish I had some sun. I kinda resent her because this situation has taken me from beautiful Florida to winter in the North. I've got a pinched nerve in my neck creating havoc, and now I seem to have some type of cold/flu bug. My sons got it to, no doubt from the stress we've gone through.

I don't want to contact her and I want to contact her all at the same time. But I won't do it. When I think about contacting her I envisioned talking to her and that horrible cold mean devilish look in her face without any a motion or feeling. Then all of a sudden all the other things pop up that she has done and how things are with other members of her family and her child, and my mind also goes into the gutter thinking about the things she must have said about me. That right there is enough to stop me dead in my tracks. Yes the enticement of being back in her loving graces is just so tempting. I don't know, I guess I have a lot of bad days, and up, but my son has been keeping me busy working and feeling crappy has taken my mind all over the place. I keep popping in here to the forms when I have questions or bewilderment. I see that it's not going to be just goodbye and move on. The more I read about why I stay attached or might stay attached, the more I realize how little I know and how this entire relationship sent me for a loop.

Heck, I don't know if I even miss her, I certainly know at this point that I'm not missing the child, the child was so much trouble, and as much as I have done I have never been recognized as a positive influence in her life. I just think about all the crap I don't have to here right now and that's good.

But I have this for eight in me, I don't know what the void is, and if I think about her as a person it just doesn't add up or make sense. I even look at the sexual aspect of it. At one point it was beautiful what we did together and how we felt about one another, but now when I look back on it it's just things that got done to me. I don't know, I need some enlightenment on this here because it's certainly not going away and I certainly don't have any qualified individuals here to talk to about it. You know what I mean by qualified, just about anybody who really really really understands BPD or has gone through it. You mentioned BPD and it seems like people think all this is going to be a long conversation that I don't want to get into. But nonetheless I still need to vent I get this crap out of my system. I used to be pretty damn strong, and now I'm pretty darn weak.

I want to share this with you all. During the breakup I had no money, and for quite a while I really did not have a destination. I was becoming very desperate after the first and second week being under the same roof with her during the breakup. A friend of mine back from Long Island, a female, was already at her wits and listening to my crap. One day she said to me why don't you start a page on Facebook or something about a love that went bad. I did just that! I was ashamed at myself and felt helpless. Yet the comments and donations happened. Someone said to me, did you ever come across somebody down on their luck. I said yes. Did you think any less of them? I said no not at all. They said to me will that's you now, why should anybody think any less of you being in need? I guess that change the way I started viewing myself and thinking about things. If it wasn't for the help of friends and family, and people whom I have never ever met, I probably still would be in Florida losing my mind. The people here on the BPD family are wonderful. There's no disputing that whatsoever. But I want to share with you the fact that there are people out there who will help kinda like when you see something nice happening on television. There are a lot of real and fine people out there and I am blessed that they have crossed my path and helped me whether it be monetarily or just inspirationally.

[DyingLove]

please do your best not to focus on whether or not you have/will hear from this person, as it just prolongs you feeling involved in the dynamic. other posters are correct in saying you may, you may not, and the time frame. if youre going to hope it comes, hope that it comes when you are detached.

personally i clung to all hope for contact, and it prolonged my healing. i did get it, ive gotten it twice. she will send a facebook friend request, and after a few hours, cancel it. fortunately i was long past her, and when it happened i saw it for what it was, bizarre if not meaningless. had it happened early in my recovery, it would have sent me into a tail spin, and id have analyzed it for hours, over something so absurd and meaningless. it wasnt about me or us, it wasnt due to any kind of revelation, so it wasnt something to take personally. all it ultimately meant was "i still exist" and thats generally all it means.

After 50 days of deafening silence now it'd be nice to have something of hers that shows me that she still recognizes that I exist. I really like reading the posts where y'all say "OH they're definitely thinking about you"

So dyinglove I'm right there with you. I know exactly how you feel.

Stay strong

I want it and don't want it all at the same time.

What's funny is this, the first sentence I wrote reminds me of when I first met her. People asked me if I was sure I knew what I was doing and should I drop everything and moved to Florida the way I did, and I remember feeling like an anxious kid,, almost like I was not going to listen to anybody even if somebody else was right and I knew it. And that's how it feels not being contacted by her, like even though I know I should be happy, I want what's wrong instead. I guess that's downright crazy in itself.

[FlSunshineGirl]

After my dexBPD and I broke it off, I was hoping for contact and hoping to be left alone all at the same time. He did finally contact me after 45 days. Then again in another email a week after the first one. I have to tell you, seeing his name and reading those emails sent me into a tailspin. I felt sick, angry, upset... .a complete wreck. Had to see my therapist because of that contact.

I thought I wanted to hear from him, but it really did set me back and brought up so many emotions I thought I had come to terms with and healed from.

We are better off not hearing from our ex's for our own healing.

Things I've learned to be true about those with BPD:

1)They ARE thinking of us just like we think of them, even if they don't contact us again.

I found out when my ex and I were together that he was searching online for an ex from 18 years ago!

2)They are able to split us black when they have a replacement, but that replacement never lasts long. I found out the replacement and him are already "off" or are having problems.

It's just a matter of time before whatever new person they are with is experiencing the exact same behavior and treatment as we experienced.

I encourage you to find a therapist to talk to to help you heal if you haven't already.

There is someone out there that you deserve that will treat you right and is deserving of your love too!

Hugs!

[DyingLove]

After my dexBPD and I broke it off, I was hoping for contact and hoping to be left alone all at the same time. He did finally contact me after 45 days. Then again in another email a week after the first one. I have to tell you, seeing his name and reading those emails sent me into a tailspin. I felt sick, angry, upset... .a complete wreck. Had to see my therapist because of that contact.

I thought I wanted to hear from him, but it really did set me back and brought up so many emotions I thought I had come to terms with and healed from.

We are better off not hearing from our ex's for our own healing.

Things I've learned to be true about those with BPD:

1)They ARE thinking of us just like we think of them, even if they don't contact us again.

I found out when my ex and I were together that he was searching online for an ex from 18 years ago!

2)They are able to split us black when they have a replacement, but that replacement never lasts long. I found out the replacement and him are already "off" or are having problems.

It's just a matter of time before whatever new person they are with is experiencing the exact same behavior and treatment as we experienced.

I encourage you to find a therapist to talk to to help you heal if you haven't already.

There is someone out there that you deserve that will treat you right and is deserving of your love too!

Hugs!

Thank you FlSunshineGirl. It always seems that it's easier to get over somebody with someone new. That kinda happened to me when I was getting into this woman. It was easy to get over the one prior. I agree that there is somebody out there for everyone, but at the moment the heart wants what the heart wants. That's a toughie to get over.

I would love to find a therapist, but I've got no money to do such and I've got no insurance. So unless something changes there, that won't be happening. Thank you for the hugs, I find that hugs are extremely therapeutic. I'll grab a hug anywhere I could find one lately. And hugs to you also dear!