Questions

[Bestill]

Through someone else, I have recently learned more about BPD. I have an adult son who suffers from anxiety and depression, has had suicidal ideations in the past, has the quirk of pulling out hair in his beard or back of head, is on medication, lives on his own, and sees a therapist and goes to meetings and works. I know you do not give diagnoses.  My son is not impulsive, in fact often too slow to make decisions, and he tends to isolate.  Are these two characteristics ever associated with BPD? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Bestill,

Welcome to the Parent's Board.

We are glad you are here looking for information.  You're right we don't diagnose.  We do have educational material that you can look at and make your own determination.

BPD presents differently in individuals so take a look at Lesson 1 to the right in the side bar and see what  you think.

Whether or not your son is BPD we have tools and skills that can help you communicate with him.  :)epression and anxiety, PTSD and trichatillamania often accompany BPD.  Co morbid disorders is common.

How are you coping?  What do you do to take care of yourself while you deal with your son?

lbj

[lbjnltx]

PS... .here is a link to some information on Self Care, I hope you find it helpful.



What does it mean to take care of yourself?

[livednlearned]

Through someone else, I have recently learned more about BPD. I have an adult son who suffers from anxiety and depression, has had suicidal ideations in the past, has the quirk of pulling out hair in his beard or back of head, is on medication, lives on his own, and sees a therapist and goes to meetings and works. I know you do not give diagnoses.  My son is not impulsive, in fact often too slow to make decisions, and he tends to isolate.  Are these two characteristics ever associated with BPD? 

Hi Bestill,

I wanted to join lbjnltx in welcoming you to the site. It sounds like you are gaining knowledge about BPD in the hopes of understanding your son better. Are there certain aspects of your son's behavior you find most difficult to deal with?

I am like you, trying to understand if BPD might describe my son (he's 13). He's been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, depression, anxiety, plus a few other things, and sees a psychiatrist. He can be very reclusive like you describe your son. But my son's father has BPD traits, and this makes me keep a close eye on him for similar behaviors.

I found that the skills (lesson 3 to the right ----> are very helpful and I see some improvements in my relationship with my son. Especially validation skills.

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take good care of yourself! That is probably the number one skill upon which all the others depend.



LnL

[Bestill]

My son is 39.  He lives alone near me.  He has worked at the same place for ten years but often misses work.  He has FMLA.  I am often concerned that he will lose his job and am amazed that he hasn't.  He has a non-chemical addiction that he attends meetings for and has a counselor.  He is on medication for anxiety and depression.  I wouldn't say he is a hoader but has things like papers and6 music everywhere on the floor, although his place isn't dirty.  This started when he was in college.  He had suicidal ideations while in college and recently "fell" on his machete while in the woods alone.  My other son was suspect of this.  He had to have stitches.  He has the quirk of pulling out hairs in his beard and back of head. He isolates, doesn't like crowds, and doesn't like change.  In reading online, it seems he might be a quiet BPD.  Has anyone had any experience with this?  I know I'm going to have to learn a new way of interacting with him.  I know I have probably put him under too much stress by involving him in family problems.  Any thoughts?

[lbjnltx]

Hello Bestill,

It is good that your son has medical leave for his job and has been able to keep it all these years... .it is similar to a school age child having an IEP... .accommodations to help them succeed.

The other things you mention... .disorganization, suicidal ideation, isolation can accompany depression.  The hair pulling and dislike of crowds seem to be anxiety issues.

Stressors, like sharing our concerns over matters, are not handled well without skills... Low distress tolerance is one of the things BPD sufferers deal with.  Unless and until your son gains some skills it may be best to limit how much you share with him.  I'm not saying to shelter him... .the world will present plenty of stressors through the natural process.  Make these kinds of choices on a "need to know" basis can help.

Depression, anxiety, low distress tolerance are related to BPD through comorbidity and criteria. Focusing on the tools and Lessons can help you improve your understanding and relationship whatever his diagnoses. 

Glad you are here with us figuring this all out.

lbjnltx

[Bestill]

Thanks LnL.  I have been doing some reading.  Is there anything further I could read about "quiet" BPD?  I have been working on acceptance, trying to let reality sink in.  For years, my immediate family and I have assumed that his behavior was due to his non-chemical addiction and traumatic family stressors, plus more recently a seeming addiction to video games.  But, it is becoming apparent that there is more going on.  Should I let him know that I know there is more?  He lives independently and takes care of his financial and health needs but periodically will isolate, not go to work, not answer the phone, looks disheveled, acts like he has a secret that he is afraid someone will discover, etc.  Any thoughts?

[lbjnltx]

While these are not clinical terms, they are observations of our members.  It can sometimes help us understand how BPD can present in our individual loved one:

Male Subtypes BPD

lbj

[Bestill]

Should I let my son know that I am aware that he is struggling from more than addictive behaviors and depression and anxiety?  I have no idea if he has been formally diagnosed with anything else, but his behavior suggests he has.  Some of his former sponsors have contacted me when his behavior became overwhelming to them, which resulted in trust issues for my son.  He has recently lost a sponsor because his behavior had begun to affect the sponsor's life too much.  He completely trusts his counselor, and I am reluctant to try to contact her, as she seems to have helped him more than anyone.  Should I be open to letting him live with me, or would that be going backward? 

[livednlearned]

Should I let my son know that I am aware that he is struggling from more than addictive behaviors and depression and anxiety?  I have no idea if he has been formally diagnosed with anything else, but his behavior suggests he has.  Some of his former sponsors have contacted me when his behavior became overwhelming to them, which resulted in trust issues for my son.  He has recently lost a sponsor because his behavior had begun to affect the sponsor's life too much.  He completely trusts his counselor, and I am reluctant to try to contact her, as she seems to have helped him more than anyone.  Should I be open to letting him live with me, or would that be going backward? 

Hi Bestill,

Do you experience the same types of behaviors that your son's sponsors experience? It sounds like you are close to your son. How would you characterize your relationship? Sometimes the decisions we make for our kids depends on the context. For example, I have to check my intentions with my son because I have tendencies to be codependent with him. It's easy for me to fall into a fixer/rescuer role, and that only makes things worse. It's hard to watch our kids experience natural consequences of their actions, but I've had to do that in order to get our relationship back to level. I have to really work at this -- it's a constant practice.

[Bestill]

His sponsors probably know more about what is actually going on, as far as his struggles, than I do.  I often find out things after the fact, like missing work.  As I am getting older, he says he doesn't want to worry me.  We are close, and I am co-dependent. Have been in recovery for co-dependency for some time as related to various kinds of addicts.  I understand that.  I guess I am needing to know how or if my interactions with my son should look different in dealing with an addictive issue versus BPD.  My gut tells me there is no one who truly knows everything that is going on with him.  Sometimes when I ask him something personal, he sits there for two or three minutes before he answers or doesn't answer at all.  He can be very passive-aggressive at times, but in some areas can be OCD. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[madmom]

Hello, I am much like what livedandlearnded described in the previous post, so I have to constantly work on being codependent and an enabler.  You asked about more to read, I don't have a good suggestion for that, but thought you might like to check in to NAMI and the family to family program.  I went through the classes this fall and found them helpful and it was great to have a support group of people in my community area who were also dealing with mental illness. Collectively, they had great ideas of resources in the area.  Perhaps you might want to check into that.  I too have an adult child with BPD who is able to live and work independently, but we have been through LOTS of ups and downs with her.  You are not alone, keep posting and we will try to help.

[Bestill]

Thanks, madmom.  Saw my adult son today. He seemed better than the past week - seems to be doing better the weeks he sees his therapist.  I am working on not sharing and venting about negative or stressful things in my life with my sons that don't directly relate to them.

[livednlearned]

I guess I am needing to know how or if my interactions with my son should look different in dealing with an addictive issue versus BPD.  My gut tells me there is no one who truly knows everything that is going on with him.  Sometimes when I ask him something personal, he sits there for two or three minutes before he answers or doesn't answer at all.  He can be very passive-aggressive at times, but in some areas can be OCD. 

Hi Bestill,

Since my son is not diagnosed BPD, I have wondered this too. Do I treat my son different if he is ADHD/ADD, ODD, anxiety/depression, OCD? He's already been diagnosed by two professionals, a psychologist and psychiatrist. Both were thorough, and excellent, I felt. I also think all experts have limitations in their diagnoses. The social worker that teaches my son social skills mentioned sensory processing disorder and highly sensitive person as possible explanations for my son's sensitivities. I think if I took S13 to another psychiatrist, he could get another diagnoses yet again.

But with S13's dad being uBPD, I feel that my son has a sensitive genotype, and is emotionally vulnerable, so I've decided to read what I can about BPD and where it makes sense, interact with him as though he is. Validation works with everyone, but is especially helpful for people with BPD. So I figure it can't hurt. And having good boundaries is also very healthy, and again can't hurt.

I also identify a lot with parents here who have a child that struggles with a mental illness, and I'm grateful that I can learn form others and feel supported. So many here have kids with comorbid diagnoses, too, so that helps.

My son doesn't pull facial hair (also called trichotillomania) because he doesn't have it yet  ) but he is a nail biter and has some other quirky habits. I figure these behaviors go with my son's OCD tendencies. Do you think your son's psychiatrist knows he does this? 

[Bestill]

You asked about S39's therapist knowing about beard-pulling.  I have no idea, as I have no contact with her. Have thought of emailing her, but don't know that is wise. My son seems to fully trust her and would probably totally back off if I was involved.