when they want you to blame them?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey Max

"... .Is it a trap?"

I can only tell you from my own experience that it isn't a trap as we would think a trap is. Meaning it isn't purposely set up to bring upheaval to the discussion or situation.

It is terrifying how much guilt and remorse and regret most people with this disorder secretly live in and have to deal with on a constant basis. For the most part they struggle internally with it, not wanting to bring it up because it directly relates to their feelings of accountability and inability. It isn't their first barbecue.

When this happens to me and it happens on a regular basis I do respond but certainly don't respond in a negative fashion. I will respond with no I'm not mad at all, I can understand that you were upset. You know I'm here for you and that I love you, I just want better than last night for both of us.

You see in the hard situations we tend to think they are validating themselves for their actions or trying to continue the conflict when each day is more like a new start to some of them. That new start each days needs reassurance and the stability that you aren't leaving and that you do love them. It isn't validation they seek, it's reassurance against the insecurities they feel for what they've done... .again.

I know one thing in dealing with my wife's situation. In any situation positive begets positive and one thing for certain negative is only going to bring negative responses so I steer clear of the negatives and focus on what positives I can find in a given situation. It helps to clear a path that's better to walk.

Hope you figure it out in your situation my friend because I know how draining and discouraging it can be. I also know that a better path can be cleared with time, understanding, empathy and patience.

[Stalwart]

Hey Max

"... .Is it a trap?"

I can only tell you from my own experience that it isn't a trap as we would think a trap is. Meaning it isn't purposely set up to bring upheaval to the discussion or situation.

It is terrifying how much guilt and remorse and regret most people with this disorder secretly live in and have to deal with on a constant basis. For the most part they struggle internally with it, not wanting to bring it up because it directly relates to their feelings of accountability and inability. It isn't their first barbecue.

When this happens to me and it happens on a regular basis I do respond but certainly don't respond in a negative fashion. I will respond with no I'm not mad at all, I can understand that you were upset. You know I'm here for you and that I love you, I just want better than last night for both of us.

You see in the hard situations we tend to think they are validating themselves for their actions or trying to continue the conflict when each day is more like a new start to some of them. That new start each days needs reassurance and the stability that you aren't leaving and that you do love them. It isn't validation they seek, it's reassurance against the insecurities they feel for what they've done... .again.

I know one thing in dealing with my wife's situation. In any situation positive begets positive and one thing for certain negative is only going to bring negative responses so I steer clear of the negatives and focus on what positives I can find in a given situation. It helps to clear a path that's better to walk.

Hope you figure it out in your situation my friend because I know how draining and discouraging it can be. I also know that a better path can be cleared with time, understanding, empathy and patience.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.