Sleep issues for me

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

When my uBPDexgf and I were together, I never had any issues with falling asleep. Every night, at least for the first six years we were together, I would go to bed, say my prayers and fall straight to sleep. I hadn't felt such a happy, cheerful, light heart since my nephews had been little boys and brought such joy into my life as only children can. I might have a night or two where I didn't fall straight to sleep, but usually after saying good night to my exgf, off to sleep I'd go. We didn't live together, but were together every month. And she was the one with sleep issues. When we were apart it was nothing for her to call me at 2, 3, or even 4 a.m. Because something had gotten on her mind and she couldn't sleep. I believe now it was more frequent than she let on. I have no idea what would cause her to wake and not be able to go back to sleep on her own. But she always told me that after we spoke she could fall back to sleep.

Since this debacle began last June, when she began the fade away, and particularly since last August when she told me in a typed not that she was going to be with men again, I have problems falling asleep. In the first couple of months I know it is understandable to have those issues. But it's running on 7.5 months and I have a terrible problem going to sleep. At least once a week I can't fall asleep until 4 or 5 a.m. And then I wake up around 9:30, so I haven't gotten much sleep. Most times it takes me until 2 or even 2:30 to fall asleep. I do plenty of things to make myself physically tired. But my mind just won't shut off thinking about her and how she has done what's she's done.

I'm hurt that she hasn't tried to email or text me. I do believe the hang up calls that I received since last September have been her. Amazingly or coincidently I haven't had any the month of March which leads me to believe that she indeed is quite happy with her new beau and I'm not even a memory to her. I know everyone here says be glad she hasn't contacted you, but it's hard to accept and digest that a whole decade of my life appears to have meant nothing to her.  I think of it as a waste and can't even begin to understand what the point of the last 10 years of my life were.

And even though I try not to go there, i finally get my mind relaxed to sleep and the next thing I know I'm thinking about my ex having sex with some guy and them telling each other they love one another. Before you know it I'm full on raging and it takes another hour to calm myself down. Believe it or not even though I've wanted to call her and yell at her and give her some of what I'm going thru, I don't because I don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing how tormented I am.

Me, a reputable, successful business woman. And now I limit who I'm around and how long. Too much interaction from the outside world and it makes me anxious. I have no idea if she's BPD. Whenever I think she isn't, I read something that sounds so much like her I just can't believe that she's not. And if she's not, then she is definitely the cruelest most unstable person I ever met.

Anyone else have sleep issues after the 6 month mark? Like I say, I know short term there are problems, and that's not really what I'm interested in. But it's gone on a while now, and I want her to be gone out of my head as I clearly am in hers. Thanks.

[ShadowIntheNight]

When my uBPDexgf and I were together, I never had any issues with falling asleep. Every night, at least for the first six years we were together, I would go to bed, say my prayers and fall straight to sleep. I hadn't felt such a happy, cheerful, light heart since my nephews had been little boys and brought such joy into my life as only children can. I might have a night or two where I didn't fall straight to sleep, but usually after saying good night to my exgf, off to sleep I'd go. We didn't live together, but were together every month. And she was the one with sleep issues. When we were apart it was nothing for her to call me at 2, 3, or even 4 a.m. Because something had gotten on her mind and she couldn't sleep. I believe now it was more frequent than she let on. I have no idea what would cause her to wake and not be able to go back to sleep on her own. But she always told me that after we spoke she could fall back to sleep.

Since this debacle began last June, when she began the fade away, and particularly since last August when she told me in a typed not that she was going to be with men again, I have problems falling asleep. In the first couple of months I know it is understandable to have those issues. But it's running on 7.5 months and I have a terrible problem going to sleep. At least once a week I can't fall asleep until 4 or 5 a.m. And then I wake up around 9:30, so I haven't gotten much sleep. Most times it takes me until 2 or even 2:30 to fall asleep. I do plenty of things to make myself physically tired. But my mind just won't shut off thinking about her and how she has done what's she's done.

I'm hurt that she hasn't tried to email or text me. I do believe the hang up calls that I received since last September have been her. Amazingly or coincidently I haven't had any the month of March which leads me to believe that she indeed is quite happy with her new beau and I'm not even a memory to her. I know everyone here says be glad she hasn't contacted you, but it's hard to accept and digest that a whole decade of my life appears to have meant nothing to her.  I think of it as a waste and can't even begin to understand what the point of the last 10 years of my life were.

And even though I try not to go there, i finally get my mind relaxed to sleep and the next thing I know I'm thinking about my ex having sex with some guy and them telling each other they love one another. Before you know it I'm full on raging and it takes another hour to calm myself down. Believe it or not even though I've wanted to call her and yell at her and give her some of what I'm going thru, I don't because I don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing how tormented I am.

Me, a reputable, successful business woman. And now I limit who I'm around and how long. Too much interaction from the outside world and it makes me anxious. I have no idea if she's BPD. Whenever I think she isn't, I read something that sounds so much like her I just can't believe that she's not. And if she's not, then she is definitely the cruelest most unstable person I ever met.

Anyone else have sleep issues after the 6 month mark? Like I say, I know short term there are problems, and that's not really what I'm interested in. But it's gone on a while now, and I want her to be gone out of my head as I clearly am in hers. Thanks.

[mitatsu]

You slept well whilst with her as you were poss emotionally and physically exhausted from all the worry stress walking on eggshells etc and it was a escape too... now you are healing you need to do other things (excercise/hobbies etc) to wear you out so to speak plus your sub-concious mind is damaged from your time in the FOG so its trying to 'reboot'

Sleep will return hang in there 

[Glutton4punishment]

I am nine months out and I have sleep problems. I have dreams of her, and then I wake up, realize it was a dream and that my reality no longer includes her, and I miss her so much that it wakes me straight up. Other times I will think of something she said or did that was very hurtful while in a foggy half awake half asleep dream state, and my anger snaps me out of it instantly as well. Before I married her I never had any problems waking up, using the bathroom, and corking off again. Now even the tamest thoughts of her snap me into 100% awake state instantly. I don't know if it's encouraging to know the two of us are having sleep problems, but it's the truth.

[ShadowIntheNight]

You slept well whilst with her as you were poss emotionally and physically exhausted from all the worry stress walking on eggshells etc and it was a escape too... now you are healing you need to do other things (excercise/hobbies etc) to wear you out so to speak plus your sub-concious mind is damaged from your time in the FOG so its trying to 'reboot'

Sleep will return hang in there 

Actually I wasn't emotionally exhausted and walking on eggshells. We were quite happy. As I've said before, the things that are seen as BPD didn't come out in full force until we were together after 6.5 years. I never saw her paint someone black and cut them completely off until 2011. She would get angry about things, but usually she'd talk, and I would listen and whatever she was angry about passed. She rarely directed her anger toward me, and the times it happened, where she said something snippy to me, I'd tell her it was unnecessary or just tell her I'd speak to her tomorrow and they would pass.

I play tennis. I do yard work and gardening, I read, I work puzzles. I still have problems sleeping, similarly to what glutton described. This morning when I woke up I don't even remember how long I was awake because I was railing at her in my head. Don't know if I was dreaming and it woke me up or if I had been laying there awake and thinking it. It's quite frustrating.

[Invictus01]

I am 4+ months out, I still sleep 4-5 hours a night most nights. However, I took this opportunity to be in the gym at 5 am and get myself in a kick a$$ shape

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Hi shadow,

  The first month after my break up was absolute hell.  I didn't sleep for more than two hours at a time.  Things slowly got better.  Finding new hobbies (gym) and 3 months of therapy helped.  The sudden departure of my dBPDex left so many loose end, so much hurt and an ocean of anger.  I have to work through all this every day, even 8 months later.  I still have sleepless nights at times.  Journaling the worst of my thoughts helped get it out a bit.  We can't just bottle it up, that just festers. 

  I started doing the online CBT program linked at the bottom of this site and find it very helpful in getting a hold of my wild thoughts.  It reminds me a lot of all the philosophy and metaohysics books I love.

[Technique]

I can certainly relate to the sleep issues. During the last month of our relationship I'm not sure I managed one good night sleep. That continued for a while post break up. I'm 6 months out and my sleep patterns are back to normal.

The ONLY twang of missing her I experience happens on Friday evenings around 6pm. Weekends were our fun times (once) and I still get a butterfly or two in my stomach when I think about what she's up to, and/or who she is doing it with. It doesn't last long though. I'm well over her. During the initial stages of the break up I was almost desperate for her to contact me. Not that I ever wanted her back. Simply so I could get some of the 'power' back she took from me.

There was a time I believed I could not live without her. That was the FOG talking. Once it clears all the confusion they created makes perfect sense. Or should that be I figured she never made any sense!

Be kind to yourself. Time heals.