Please help - Seeing BPDx tonight - Prob Last time before he leaves for 3 months

[virginiawoolf]

For those who have been following my story, my uBPDxbf of 2 years (the "x" is very recent) is leaving the country for 3 months on Monday (today is Friday).

I haven't seen him for a week. I'm seeing him tonight. I'm terrified. I don't even know what to ask you all. I don't know what to expect. He's coming over at 9:30 (which I'm disappointed about -- when he suggested he asked "Is 9:30 ok, or is that too late?" I said it was fine.) I have no idea if he will just come over to say goodbye and leave, or if he will spend the night (which he's always done before).

Does anybody have any advice for what might be our last meeting?

I'm so lacking in closure. Both in terms of what happened... .and what will happen while we're away.

I really need advice on how to handle tonight. Should I seek closure? Everything is so volatile right now.

Do I express a lot of love to reassure him and reduce his own abandonment/insecurity issues? Or should I try to just act breezy and happy?

I have such high expectations (delusional hopes that tonight can change things), I'm trying to reduce them but I can't.

Honestly any advice or support would be very much appreciated him.

My anxiety and sadness are thru the roof.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi virginiawoolf, Love that moniker!  I suggest you keep your expectations low.  How do you want to leave things off before he leaves on his trip?  Maybe you could calmly talk w/him about your plans.  Reading between the lines, it seems like you are waiting for his next move, as if it is all up to him.  Waiting for a pwBPD to change is a thankless vigil, in my view.  If possible, try to figure out what is best for you.  LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Do I express a lot of love to reassure him and reduce his own abandonment/insecurity issues? Or should I try to just act breezy and happy?

I'm sorry to hear that. You're feeling a lot of anxiety and stress. Have you heard of mindfulness?

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

It helps to recenter our thoughts in the present moment, what we can control. Anticipating future events and it's outcomes creates much anxiety and stress; things we can't control.

A choice is be yourself, let things happen as it comes, accept the flow.

Where is he going?

Are you planning on communicating while he's away?

[virginiawoolf]

Where is he going?

Are you planning on communicating while he's away?

Thank you so much for the link. I think that might be helpful.

He is going to southeast asia and then to europe.

We haven't talked about communication while he's gone. The last time he went on an extended trip, we were in constant touch -- he was very proactive about this, and very obviously in love with me (and vice versa). But that was a year and a half ago. His trip was made very difficult because he missed me so much.

I know he wants to have a good trip this time. In the past 1.5 months he's pulled away dramatically. But just last weekend he really seemed to end things with me. I mean... .he did end things, but in his typically somewhat ambiguous way. His pulling away recently hasn't felt so ambiguous though. And it hurts.

Anyway, to get back to the question: I have no idea what our plans/expectations are for communication, and I am bothered by this. I would like to have a sense. I would like to be in touch. But everything is so sensitive right now, that I fear trying to plan that will be perceived by him as pressure.

[virginiawoolf]

Reading between the lines, it seems like you are waiting for his next move, as if it is all up to him.  Waiting for a pwBPD to change is a thankless vigil, in my view.  If possible, try to figure out what is best for you.  LuckyJim

Yes... .I am waiting for his next move. I already know that he wants to remain extremely close in the long term. I know everyone says this during breakups. But in his case, based on what I know and what I've seen, it's more than just lip service. However, he's never had a relationship like this before. He's never had anything this serious.

The thing is, he's always "led" the relationship. It's not something we've ever discussed, but he's always steered things, and for the most part this has worked for me. He's always been proactive about communicating, initiating, etc. (sometimes to the extreme).

I am passive by nature, so perhaps I'm unduly sensitive in this area, but I've perceived that in the rare instance where I've tried to lead things (suggest/initiate/etc) it hasn't always gone so well. Particularly during a "push" cycle (ie, while he's pushing me away). I certainly imagine that might be the case now... .at a time where he's clearly feeling overwhelmed by perceived pressure.

At the same time, in a recent text in which we were planning our meetup this week and saying goodbye etc., he said "I'm too stable to lead us through this." (meaning how to deal with our final week; how to say goodbye).

Any thoughts?

I see what you're saying, but I'm very lost on what my role should be.

The past few times we've hung out he's been SOO touchy. The tiniest thing will set him off.

[NOTE: As an example of his touchiness, to help people understand him: Once before a previous, MUCH shorter trip, he similarly pulled away from me beforehand -- but not nearly to the extent he has this time. Right before the trip, he made a huge effort to repair things, by planning out a really nice day for us the day before his departure. But in the midst of that one nice day, I casually/neutrally asked, "so, when are you coming back?" [i knew the trip would be several weeks, but it was unclear]. He flipped out in response to that question, said he didn't know yet, and spent the next hour on the train not speaking to me. Things were not nearly as tense or touchy then as they are now, if that says anything... .]

[Mutt]

But everything is so sensitive right now

Is this the catalyst for your anxiety and sadness? This sounds like it might be the heart of the issue tonight.

Things are sensitive now and it may change in the next 90 days?

An opportunity to work on your responses and triggers.

He flipped out in response to that question, said he didn't know yet, and spent the next hour on the train not speaking to me. Things were not nearly as tense or touchy then as they are now, if that says anything... .

Past behaviors can predict future ones.

I already know that he wants to remain extremely close in the long term. I know everyone says this during breakups. But in his case, based on what I know and what I've seen, it's more than just lip service.

For now things are sensitive and in the long-term he wants to remain extremely close. You know him better than anyone on the message board.

The past few times we've hung out he's been SOO touchy. The tiniest thing will set him off.

How about a simple good-bye, hope he has a good trip and call or text?

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, VW, Is it fair to say that, in light of your SO's "touchiness" right now, you feel like you are walking on eggshells w/him?  You seem worried that some innocuous question, like "when do you get back?" , will set him off.  These seem like fairly typical symptoms of a r/s with a pwBPD.  Most, if not all of, us on this Board know exactly what you are experiencing, and it's a hard place to be.  I suggest, as I mentioned before, that you work on figuring out what is best for you.  Staying in the present moment, as Mutt notes, without projecting anything that might or might not happen, is helpful, too.  LuckyJim

[virginiawoolf]

Is it fair to say that, in light of your SO's "touchiness" right now, you feel like you are walking on eggshells w/him? 

Yes, absolutely. Eggshells in terms of addressing anything serious or controversial.

In addition to this, though not quite "eggshells" what is perhaps more difficult is navigating between:

A) Expressing not enough love or coming across as cold - he can perceive this as hurtful, and it can start a cycle where he is the same back... .I've done this this week, out of my own defensiveness/hurt. I believe it prevented us from taking a short getaway together this week. And prevented us from spending more time together in his final week here (I kept dropping the ball; I wouldn't respond as enthusiastically to his nice texts as i should have... .or i delayed many days in getting back because I was hurt).

B) Expressing too much love. Not so much a problem in the past (it was usually  him doing that anyway) but I feel like when i lapsed into this recently, especially in conjunction with his trip and him wanting to avoid feeling emmeshed before his trip, it pushed him away. Also I am SO incredibly sensitive myself now. My fear of rejection is at an all time high with him. I can't bear the idea of opening up to him more before he leaves -- only to be pushed away. At the same time I'd really like to have an open/sentimental/warm time with him tonight as a goodbye.

Having trouble figuring out a balance.

Staying in the present moment, as Mutt notes, without projecting anything that might or might not happen, is helpful, too. 

I agree. So difficult though. Especially when he is clearly not in the present moment. How can he be? He's leaving on this amazing adventure... .he HAS to be looking forward. And our relationship JUST really ended (past). In terms of our meeting up tonight specifically -- that in itself, and the "present moment" it will create just seems like such a contrived/symbolic construct right now.

Not that I don't think striving to be present is a great goal... .

[virginiawoolf]

How about a simple good-bye, hope he has a good trip and call or text?

Yikes, that would require far greater acting skills than I think I possess. Our r/s has been way too intense. I've had far too little time to process this. I suppose I could pull this off, but not sure how I'd feel afterwards? And he'd never buy it. I so wish it were like that. Maybe I'm missing something.

[Mutt]

(I kept dropping the ball; I wouldn't respond as enthusiastically to his nice texts as i should have... .or i delayed many days in getting back because I was hurt).

Do you think this may be taking the lion's share? A relationship takes two people.

I've had far too little time to process this.

I think this is accurate. We can only do the best we can, nothing more. Try pulling it off as best you can for now.

"Walking on eggshells" is incredibly difficult as LuckyJim stated with a pwBPD and your fear of rejection is triggered. I think it's a good idea to not open up before he leaves.

You may need more time to process and it may also be easier that he's on a different continent and is returning.

Go easy on yourself  his compartment is his sensitivity.

[patientandclear]

Virginia -- I'd urge you to be authentic in your communications and actions with him.  Generally, but also, for sure, tonight.  You'll regret it if you try to manipulate or act.

Your love for this guy probably IS just right.  Like Baby Bear's porridge.  Not too hot, not too cold.  For goodness' sake, you don't object to his casual hookups or his long trips away, you tolerate all this craziness.  But you are (usually) warm and affirming to him.  You're probably about the best fit he could have.  Here's the kicker: that does NOT mean all is going to go smoothly.  He is going to have fears that are NOT caused by your behavior and he is going to manage those in ways that usually would mean things like "he doesn't want me" and "he is rejecting me."

That's almost surely not what those behaviors (including implying that it's over!) mean here.  They are a stab he's taking at feeling better (and, possibly, doing right by you).  You can rest assured that posture isn't going to make him feel great either.

You just cannot guide what you say and do based on what he's saying and doing.  He is too erratic and you will never get out in front of that.

Be yourself.  He cares deeply about you as you are.  Be that person (it sure is easier, too).  Let him manage how he reacts to that person.  Decide your own boundaries and let him know what you need.  Be patient to see if he manages to meet those needs, probably not instantly, but over time, when he's had a chance to reflect and compose himself and regulate his emotional state.

Good luck.  It is what it is.  Don't take his words and current stance as a permanent verdict. Andd -- don't be afraid to say what you'd like.

[virginiawoolf]

Virginia -- I'd urge you to be authentic in your communications and actions with him.  Generally, but also, for sure, tonight.  You'll regret it if you try to manipulate or act.

Your love for this guy probably IS just right.  Like Baby Bear's porridge.  Not too hot, not too cold.  For goodness' sake, you don't object to his casual hookups or his long trips away, you tolerate all this craziness.  But you are (usually) warm and affirming to him.  You're probably about the best fit he could have.  Here's the kicker: that does NOT mean all is going to go smoothly.  He is going to have fears that are NOT caused by your behavior and he is going to manage those in ways that usually would mean things like "he doesn't want me" and "he is rejecting me."

That's almost surely not what those behaviors (including implying that it's over!) mean here.  They are a stab he's taking at feeling better (and, possibly, doing right by you).  You can rest assured that posture isn't going to make him feel great either.

You just cannot guide what you say and do based on what he's saying and doing.  He is too erratic and you will never get out in front of that.

Be yourself.  He cares deeply about you as you are.  Be that person (it sure is easier, too).  Let him manage how he reacts to that person.  Decide your own boundaries and let him know what you need.  Be patient to see if he manages to meet those needs, probably not instantly, but over time, when he's had a chance to reflect and compose himself and regulate his emotional state.

Good luck.  It is what it is.  Don't take his words and current stance as a permanent verdict. Andd -- don't be afraid to say what you'd like.

Patientandclear, thanks, once again for such an insightful and reassuring reply/assessment. This is so very helpful and validating... .really a good perspective for me to hold as I go into tonight's meeting.

[virginiawoolf]

Soo... .an update about our (final?) meeting tonight:

He checked in earlier today. He wanted to know where he should "meet" me.

Yes, this caught me  off guard and made me sad. He always comes to my apt to meet. It's generally just assumed. If we go out in the neighborhood, we go from my place.

I came very close to canceling the entire thing. But then took a breath and asked if he was going to want to eat dinner (we're meeting at 9:30... .a bit late). He said probably not, but he'd be happy to meet at a restaurant if I wanted. This did not sound ideal (me eat alone in front of him? Esp, when I haven't had an appetite in weeks? hmm... .)

I decided to be a bit more honest. And a bit more proactive. (Me being proactive sometimes backfired; but I also remembered that he said he couldn't guide us through this). I said: if you're not going to want to eat I'd prefer just to meet at my place (or someplace that is convenient to you). Otherwise... .a bar or cafe? It's Friday night... .if you can think of someplace, that's cool, otherwise i will try to come up with something.

10 minutes later I suggested a specific bar that I thought might not be too crazy on a Friday.

He responded that he'd meet me at my place and  we could walk to the bar from there. And he said that sounded good.

I followed up with a more restaurant-y suggestion -- just as a possible alternative, in case the bar vibe seemed too... .i dunno... .sleezy?,  (Also I'm not sure about being in a bar with emotions running so high - but he said the bar i picked sounded good)

I'm trying not to feel so scared an rejected. I was  being  optimistic for the past few days -- and perhaps delusion-ally so. (To be frank, I'd up until now envisioned/hoped he would  spend the night at my house... .we  have an obviously intense physical attraction that hasn't diminished, and we've had had platonic sleepovers too... .  it  didn't seem that far-fetched an idea to me). Him wanting to meet in public seemed like such a bad sign.

I'm now trying not to think about it that way. Us spending so much time in my house was one of our mutual regrets... .so maybe it's good we're not there. We spend so much time there -- and yet hate doing that.  And the fact that he's at least meeting me at my house before the bar seems a bit more personal than meeting in public. I AM worried though.

As a side note: I feel like I've been so needy and anxious on this board already. It's reflective of how I'm feeling now. But I'm so very thankful for everybody's responses. I'm spilling my guts because I really can't speak to ANY of my friends about this anymore (or expect them to understand). Any advice, any last words to help me to get through this are so greatly appreciated. Thank you... .

[an0ught]

Hi virginawoolf,

Do I express a lot of love to reassure him and reduce his own abandonment/insecurity issues? Or should I try to just act breezy and happy?

you are asking in other words how to manage his emotions. Yes, we are talking here sometimes of taking care of their emotions, it is a bit a tricky thing as where does care and support stop and management and taking too much ownership start. However you are struggling with more basic problems: Your own emotions are all over the place.

I like the Billy Joel lyrics - patientandclear is on the mark - be authentic

Code:

If you search for tenderness

It isn't hard to find.

You can have the love you need to live.

But if you look for truthfulness

You might just as well be blind.

It always seems to be so hard to give.

Honesty is such a lonely word.

Everyone is so untrue.

Honesty is hardly ever heard.

And mostly what I need from you. 

Being authentic is hard as your thoughts are all about him and his reaction. Remember how you were before him.

I decided to be a bit more honest. And a bit more proactive. (Me being proactive sometimes backfired; but I also remembered that he said he couldn't guide us through this). I said: if you're not going to want to eat I'd prefer just to meet at my place (or someplace that is convenient to you). Otherwise... .a bar or cafe? It's Friday night... .if you can think of someplace, that's cool, otherwise i will try to come up with something.

10 minutes later I suggested a specific bar that I thought might not be too crazy on a Friday.

This is a good start. Just state your position. You can only control yourself.

I'm so lacking in closure. Both in terms of what happened... .and what will happen while we're away.

Remember you have full control over closure from your side. It is hard to do but sometimes the only way. It absolutely totally sucks (been there) but you can do it. So there is nothing to fear. You can get closure today by breaking-up and stopping to communicate. You can get this also in a month or later. You may decide to stay together. What is important - you are not at his mercy and you will have support here if it comes to that.

My anxiety and sadness are thru the roof.

I have such high expectations (delusional hopes that tonight can change things), I'm trying to reduce them but I can't.

Acknowledge these emotions openly. Nothing you hear from us will help you enough to quiet them. So they will be there. And whatever you do - you will radiate these emotions. If you try to play another emotion he will sense the dissonance and be triggered.

Do I express a lot of love to reassure him and reduce his own abandonment/insecurity issues? Or should I try to just act breezy and happy?

Too much expression of love will put him under pressure. No matter what happens your relationship will change. Will it be ex. Will it be LDR. Talking about the change may help to validate some abandonment.

As a side note: I feel like I've been so needy and anxious on this board already. It's reflective of how I'm feeling now. But I'm so very thankful for everybody's responses. I'm spilling my guts because I really can't speak to ANY of my friends about this anymore (or expect them to understand). Any advice, any last words to help me to get through this are so greatly appreciated. Thank you... .

Don't feel bad. The support you are getting is just a loan with interest. You pay back by helping other members. Thinking about it, probably other members are already learning from your experiences 

[Mutt]

As a side note: I feel like I've been so needy and anxious on this board already. It's reflective of how I'm feeling now. But I'm so very thankful for everybody's responses. I'm spilling my guts because I really can't speak to ANY of my friends about this anymore (or expect them to understand). Any advice, any last words to help me to get through this are so greatly appreciated. Thank you... .

We're here to help. I felt like I was on an emotional roller-coaster and couldn't turn to family and friends in real life and found this place.

It helps to talk.

Good luck and as patientandclear said be authentic 

[virginiawoolf]

Thanks again so much.

I don't have much time to write but did want to clarify one thing. We are, in fact, "broken up" at this point. It was his decision, based on the fact that he loves me deeply, is "in love" with me, wants me always in his life always, but can't handle the responsibilities of a romantic relationship right now.

I suppose it really is straightforward. Any "confusion" on my part is due to some combo of the below:

A. My own denial

B. The fact that we had no official status anyways... .

C. ... .and he's Leaving... .(and I wouldn't expect sexual fidelity during his time away)... .

D. The fact that he's said SO many times he can't handle the responsibilities of a relationship, yet always wants me back.

The "fear" (mine) is due to the fact that:

A. This time he's leaving country for an extended period

B. This time seems different in that he's been pulling away in his actions ... .for quite some time. This scares me.

The "closure" I'm talking about is:

A. Me denying that we're broken up... .prolonging it... .

B. How we're going to handle communications and expectations while he's away (are we going to stop talking, but still remain as close as he says he wants to)

C. This is dangerous territory but: why this is happening (is there another woman involved?). (I've kinda decided I don't want to go there at this point)

Just wanting to clarify for by myself and others

I dunno... .just wanted to clarify (