Just a Vent

[ydrys017]

So, during MC appt this morning, I state that our dynamic has stabilized and that I see some small improvements in certain areas.  MC asks 'like what?' Me: 'Well, our last time here you mentioned that for us to improve we need to make a behavior change.  I've done that, and I think it has helped.  I provided an example; we had lunch together one day (just us 2, unexpected) and it went rather well - a little stiff, but not too bad.  Also, I brought home a bouquet of flowers one day and told her how proud of her I was for starting a girls lacrosse team and for sticking with it even though it was difficult.  My uBPDw interrupts and eventually completely dysregulates, and all of the typical statements come out; the lunch was not enjoyable, the flowers had an ulterior motive, she really doesn't like spending time with me because of how badly I've treated her for our entire marriage,    

There are times when I think I can stay ahead of this, and a trip to the MC will be a positive step.  And then... . it just goes to helll in a hand basket.  :'(  My individual T keeps stressing 'self care, nothing will get better if you become enmeshed and spiral down with her... .'  However, some days you simply feel that this BPD will end up the victor.

After an hour with the MC, I needed to find some local wifi to run a 2 hr global call on foreign currency gain/loss exposures - not exactly a 'light' topic (but I didn't want to cancel the MC session, so conducted the call while in my car at a McDonalds parking lot who had free wifi... .).  I'm exhausted, enduring a mighty migraine, and have no idea which version of my uBPDw I'll encounter when I get home tonight.  Thankfully, I'm running baseball practice tonight for my S7, then I have a figure skate lesson tomorrow morning with my D9, followed by a baseball hitting clinic with S13 in the afternoon.  I consider activity time with my kiddies as 'self care', I truly enjoy the time with them.

What a day... .wish me well for tonight.

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[Rapt Reader]

I sure do wish you luck tonight, ydrys017 

You really did come into the MC appointment this morning with a good, positive attitude, and I'm sorry you found it to take a turn afterwards... .I'm curious how the Counselor reacted to your wife's statements? How did the appointment end, emotion-wise? Was there any centering going on to help your wife see something positive?

I'm happy to hear that your time with your kids and their activities are good self-care time for you... .That is great! And I'm sure your kids appreciate it, too. The fact that you have individual Therapy is also wonderful self-care for you, besides. It sounds like you are doing what you can, and I just want to tell you to not give up. You've probably checked out the Lessons to the right-hand side of this page? We have some new Feature Articles (found at the links under the 4 photos at the top of the Staying Board's thread listing page); if you haven't read them yet (or lately  ), I'd like to suggest that they could be comforting... .

Again, good luck tonight, ydrys017 

[ydrys017]

Good questions Rapt Reader.

Our MC is very good, and quickly diagnosed the BPD last May (as did my individual T who was our previous MC).  The MC was actually quite direct with uBPDw, and called her on the negativity, the recycling of the past, her chronic unhappiness and constant criticism - even when I do something positive.  As the dysregulation advanced, the MC asked uBPDw directly: 'why do you stay in this marriage?  If you are this unhappy, why do you continue to endure the pain and sadness from your husband not meeting your expectations?'  I cringed a bit at the questions because it felt like the MC was promoting her to exit the marriage, but I trust the MC in that she is honestly trying to identify a turning point for uBPDw.  I'm now at a point that if she wants to leave, she may - it is her choice, her decision, and she is responsible for the consequences.  And, I will not leave, and I will make it very clear to family (especially kiddies - who I already tell) that I do not want a divorce.  I stay by choice, not by obligation (anymore), and I believe that we can improve - albeit to a much lower ceiling than I ever envisioned.  :'(

I have read some of the lessons, and will read more of them.  I'm currently reading 2 books, Loving Someone with BPD and Understanding the Borderline Mother.  Both are good books, but I read them in secret for obvious reasons.

[takingandsending]

Hi ydrys017.

I am sorry and really understand the dynamic that you described. I have had similar events with my uBPDw at MC. I can bring up some small bit of progress only to have my wife challenge my assertion, cast it down and trample it. Our MC also diagnosed my wife as BPD, and the MC is very skilled at negotiating these moments. I don't generally get so upset by it anymore, but, yes, I agree with you - it's disheartening. I guess the root of the problem for us is that the positives that I might state don't really match the negative feelings that she is having in the moment. As feelings = facts, it is usually the positives that have to give way. While I still express positive changes that I have made, I try to also point out any areas of positive regard that I felt she gave to me over the week. Sometimes, even those lead to dysregulations where she will say, "I am glad that you appreciate that [thing that I did for you]. I wish I could get you to do [this] for me, but you never ... ."

I am pretty convinced that we are all heading for some form of sainthood ... .if we make it. 

[Aurylian]

So, during MC appt this morning, I state that our dynamic has stabilized and that I see some small improvements in certain areas.  MC asks 'like what?' Me: 'Well, our last time here you mentioned that for us to improve we need to make a behavior change.  I've done that, and I think it has helped.  I provided an example; we had lunch together one day (just us 2, unexpected) and it went rather well - a little stiff, but not too bad.  Also, I brought home a bouquet of flowers one day and told her how proud of her I was for starting a girls lacrosse team and for sticking with it even though it was difficult.  My uBPDw interrupts and eventually completely dysregulates

I'm a little surprised that the MC went down this road in a joint session.  If I put myself in your shoes I would expect my BPDw to respond the same way yours did.

What the BPDw hears:

MC: Like What?

You: (what your w hears) "I'm white and doing all these good things.  I'm the good one."

BPDw: [internally] If he's white then that means I'm black and I can't be black . . .

We talk about making sure you don't ever get too white because it can force the pwBPD into the whole black/white thinking.  It seems like the MC walked you right into it.

I have not had good luck with my attempts at MC with my wife, so I don't really have an alternative or suggestion, but it might be worth talking to the MC offline and discuss this conversation so you understand what the purpose is.  Does the MC want you to be bright white in this case and is it serving a purpose or should you be careful to tone it down?

[maxsterling]

"Been there, done that."

Boy this stinks.  Makes you not want to go back to MC, doesn't it?

My wife is champion at making mountains out of molehills, or finding the one flaw in a perfect day.  Our wedding day last Saturday went remarkably well!  Afterwards, I could not wait to be intimate with her.  Instead, I got to hear about something my nephew did, how the photographer took the wrong photos, how the wrong wine glasses were used, and how we didn't really have enough time for dancing.   

[ydrys017]

Aurylian, I think the reason the conversation went this way is because the MC's opening line was 'how are things?' uBPDw states that things are the same... .to which I responded as previous.  I agree that my positive perspective put me in the 'white', yet I was honest and reminded her that the lunch was her idea - and I had told her afterwards that I genuinely appreciated the gesture.  But, like Taking and Sending said, even positives about her get twisted out of reality during the dysregulation. These MC sessions rarely go as I expect!

Sorry Max, I can certainly relate to the wedding day dysregulation, it was the first one I saw (towards me), barely 8 hours after walking down the aisle - yet I had no idea what it was.  Now, some 18 years later, it's commonplace, bleh!