5 months of therapy and it's doing amazing things

[Ripped Heart]

Every week never fails to amaze me. I go see my therapist, we talk about how the week has been and then start working backwards and breaking everything down. Every week, I learn something new about myself, that I was aware of but never considered the "why?" and every week I come out of there much stronger and more self-assured.

This week I learned that I'm batman. (Grey Kitty and formflier once asked during my rescue phases which superhero I am)

After 2 failed BPD relationships where things turned around from being romantically involved to a parent/child relationship, I could pretty much see how that developed. One on hand, there was one person with lots of needs and requiring constant emotional support, on the other there was me, with no real needs of my own and just dealing with whatever life threw my way. What I didn't see was my part of that dynamic. I often assumed that it was because I'm easy going, that I was a rescuer and that I'm very accepting as to what kept me in these relationships long after they turned toxic.

I've mentioned on the site before about being put into a caretaker role at a young age, taking care of my younger sister, an emotionally unavailable mother(BPD?), a father with NPD. That I didn't have wants and needs of my own because I took care of everyone elses. Anything I wanted to do for myself, I went out and did it. So again, assumed that this had a part to play in my relationships because when all you have done your life is take care of others, it just feels natural and normal.

But that apparently is only the surface and not the underlying issue. It's been quite difficult to place because I'm not a people pleaser, I don't do things for recognition or reward so it's been difficult to try and figure out my motivation. As soon as something I do starts to get recognition, I step back into the shadows. My leaving party in the army, whilst everyone was in the bar to give me a send off, I crept out the gates and walked away. My job, I do great things but I work in the shadows and allow for others to take the recognition.

So we nailed it down in my last session as to the reasons why and what drives me. The fact is, I didn't just become a caregiver and I wasn't just a rescuer, I actually became a parent. I was a parent to my sister, a parent to my mother and to my father and most importantly of all, I became my own parent. I didn't rescue for reward or for gratitude but because I saw the vulnerabilities in others that I had as a child and felt the urge to protect those vulnerabilities at all costs and when I know it's safe, I disappear into the shadows just like batman.

The trouble I have breaking this cycle is that what my T has already identified, I put myself in everyone elses shoes. I look at how a situation affects them rather than the affect it has on me. I'm highly empathetic in that regard and it opens up a dilemma. A number of people do for recognition or reward but the question put to me this week is "Why put yourself in danger or at risk if you know there is no reward at the end of it, or if there is, you don't want it?" This is what I've been pondering at the moment because I don't know.

To me, I treat anyone in trouble or in crisis like they are my own child and go to any lengths to protect them. Where this could be a problem is further down the line, finding someone who isn't in trouble or in danger, how I would respond around that. I've discovered I'm drawn to others vulnerabilities in the same way others are looking for a parent figure and that's precisely why I have 2 failed BPD relationships and my part within the dynamic. Again, my issue now is given that's been my entire life thus far, how I work to break that pattern now that I understand it.

[Suzn]

"Why put yourself in danger or at risk if you know there is no reward at the end of it, or if there is, you don't want it?"

What is the danger, or the risk?

Where this could be a problem is further down the line, finding someone who isn't in trouble or in danger, how I would respond around that.

Are you asking how you would respond to someone who would be healthier for you? Friend, romantic partner?... .That doesn't really matter if you are saying you rescue everyone. I don't really use the term rescuing anymore, instead I think of it as stealing. As in stealing life lessons from someone. Looking at it from this angle has really helped me back away from being a caretaker.

[Trog]

Hi

I go in for a little of both, a little Batman and a little recognition. I too suffer from putting myself in the shoes of everyone around me, it was quite funny, I was talking to my therapist who wants to also put me in a group for self esteem and she was saying that we had to write a list of our acheivements in life and share it with the group. Straight away this made me very worried because my first thought was, "what if my list upsets someone in the group, I better take a few off there or else they could feel badly if someone there doesn't have many achievements".

I do it everywhere, if i meet an older man and we talk about work I wont say my position in my role at work, even if they ask, in case they feel inferior, Maybe its because I dont ever want to feel inferior or embarressed so I make sure nothing I do could embarress someone else. If someone will be embarressed or upset and its nothing even to do with me, or that I just perceive they may feel that way, I'll alert them, sometimes putting myself in jeapordy.

Its a weird one, if you get the answer next week let me know! My next session is 2 weeks time.

I like this "As in stealing life lessons from someone. Looking at it from this angle has really helped me back away from being a caretaker.", not only is it stealing, its bloody hard work looking out for everyone all the time. I'm exhausted. And I'm no where close to acheiving the personal goals I had laid out for myself personally or professional. What a waste of energy!

[Ripped Heart]

What is the danger, or the risk?

The risk and danger is my own emotional and physical well being. I've been known to push my limits many times in the past. For example, I was in hospital last year with a life threatening illness, the morning I got discharged and ordered home to rest, I found myself that night driving 70 miles to pick up exBPDgf after she called in tears because she was drunk after a night out with friends, had no money and no way of getting home.

The worst part, I felt I had to do that, to make it up to her because I hadn't been there to tend to her needs for a couple of days and she was angry at me. On the other side of that, not once did she come see me in hospital or show any concern about my well being but that never crossed my mind at the time. My family, who were out of the country at the time, contacted her to see whether they should be cutting their trip short to come back and she told them not to because she was around to look after me.

At the time I drove through to pick her up, I was still very much at risk and not only put my own life in danger but those of other people too.

Are you asking how you would respond to someone who would be healthier for you? Friend, romantic partner?... .That doesn't really matter if you are saying you rescue everyone. I don't really use the term rescuing anymore, instead I think of it as stealing. As in stealing life lessons from someone. Looking at it from this angle has really helped me back away from being a caretaker.

I'm not saying I rescue everyone now, I'm saying I have far more understanding over the who, what where and why of who I am in terms of rescuing. Through work with T, I'm in a much better place and don't have the automatic response to jump in and rescue but like giving up smoking, when something happens, I still get an urge. I'm just able to control it a little better and process rather than react automatically. Where I still have an issue is that since that has been most of my life, not stepping in is a new concept. I'm struggling with it a lot less these days but those urges are still there when I see someone in trouble.

I like your concept of thinking of it as stealing and can relate to that. My main worry is that the urges aren't there because although there is a certain level of drama from exN/BPDw and exBPDgf constantly, it's at a distance so not as intense and I can work with that. My worry comes from the fact those urges feel a little like cravings and how to diminish those feelings. All I've managed to do so far is break the pattern around my own actions, the feelings that caused my actions are still there when I see someone in crisis and I'm afraid that if they don't diminish, I could find myself falling back into that pattern because it felt natural to me.

[Pingo]

Hi Ripped Heart, I too am extremely empathetic and sometimes I think it's a curse but truthfully it's a gift now that I'm learning how to direct it. The part of you that can put yourself in other's shoes makes you compassionate and likely a wonderful friend. But as you are aware, you have to know when to draw the line. I have found that learning to validate other people has really helped me to step back from wanting to rescue/parent them. Letting them know I hear their pain/problem and I'm sorry that they are going through that... .but then to leave it at that and wait and see... .because people need to be given the chance to come up with their own solutions to their problems. This helps them grow and mature. I get to practise this a lot with my 10 year old son. It's easy to want to jump in and rescue but I now realise that I'm being disrespectful to him by doing that, not recognising that he is quite creative and may be able to come up with his own solutions, allowing him to be his own person.

[jhkbuzz]

My main worry is that the urges aren't there because although there is a certain level of drama from exN/BPDw and exBPDgf constantly, it's at a distance so not as intense and I can work with that. My worry comes from the fact those urges feel a little like cravings and how to diminish those feelings. All I've managed to do so far is break the pattern around my own actions, the feelings that caused my actions are still there when I see someone in crisis and I'm afraid that if they don't diminish, I could find myself falling back into that pattern because it felt natural to me.

All you've managed to do is break the patterns around your own actions?  Is that ALL?  Holy ___ RH, that's the key!

You're thinking about it slightly backwards.  As you practice the action of not rescuing -  consistently practice and get better at resisting the urge to rescue - and repeatedly experience the payoff for both you and the other person, your feelings around wanting to "rescue" will start to change - and lessen.

Your'e forming a new habit - worry less about your feelings if your actions are consistent - your feelings will align given time.

Think about it this way: you had years in which you practiced the actions of being a caretaker, being a parent, learning to subjugate and ignore your own needs in order to meet the needs of others. You'll probably need at least a few years of practice doing the opposite, don't you think?

[Suzn]

I agree with jkbuzz. It took a lifetime to develop these patterns RH, it's going to take a while to become comfortable with a new way of doing things. I remember being very tight fisted about my interactions with people in regards to jumping in where I didn't belong for quite some time once I started working on unlearning these behaviors. Give time, time.

You seem pretty focused to me. You are the one in control of this, it's not a monster that overtake you over anymore. If you find yourself off course, you'll recognize it and auto correct. Don't beat yourself up over it either, this is new territory. 

[Grey Kitty]

Yeah, what Suzn & jhkbuzz said. 

I'd also like to suggest that you appreciate and honor the good parts and good motivations you do have, at the same time you are doing the very hard work of changing the aspects that make a mess of your life.

Your empathy for example. That you CARE about people who are hurting and understand what they are going through is a good thing, and not something you should try to change.

[talithacumi]

I can totally relate to both the changes you've gone through, and the concerns you have about how you'll respond/react in the future. Been there. Done - well, am still doing that myself  .

It's okay to be a little insecure, worried, concerned about slipping back into old habits. All of this is such a new way of being/doing to you. You're just learning. You don't have a lot of experience with it. You don't have any real basis to trust yourself to do anything other than what you've always done.

But, as both jhk and suzn point out, you will develop all those things over time. The more interactions you have with people who trigger that rescuing/parenting response in you. The more you recognize that you're being triggered and why. The more you step back, slow down, give yourself some time to think before you act, and remember that you have value/worth beyond what you're able to do for others.

You've reached a wonderful, but scary place in your healing journey. Hard for us fixers/rescuers/caretakers to feel really comfortable not knowing exactly what to do or how to do it. But it's also a little freeing.

You're probably going to make some mistakes - relapse - just react/act the way you always have without really thinking about it. It's to be expected. You're new at this. You're learning. It was really helpful to me to look at it that way. To forgive myself for not being perfect. To learn from the mistakes I found myself making.

Keep at it. You'll get there!

- TC