just found out about BPD

[springsheart]

It has been less than a week since I found out what BPD is.  I was reading divorce forums, basically looking for support and wanting to read about other peoples issues and how they have overcome them, when I saw someone's post who was describing so many of the issues that my wife and I were dealing with.  Lots of other people had replied to the post, and it was amazing to see the similarities.  The main difference though was that these people knew that their spouse had borderline personality disorder, and I had no idea what that was.  She hasn't been diagnosed and I haven't talked with her about the possibility, but she strongly exhibits a majority of the listed symptoms.  I am reading a lot about it online and have bought 2 books that I am going through (eggshells and loving someone with BPD).  The most frustrating thing for me so far is that I am starting to understand why she acts this way, but it feels like its too late.  She either loves me more than anything or hates me more than anything, and for the past 6 months it has been a lot of hate.  I'm trying hard to support her and validate her feelings, but I am not hopeful.  I still love her but it is hard.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Stalwart]

Hey Springsheart:

You've probably come to a better place to learn than some of the divorce based sites you may have been in. I suppose that really depend though on what your intent or vision of your future with her is.

You've just found out about what she potentially has, diagnosed or not; if you recognize that she has like-tendencies  then approaching those personality tendencies requires the same skills and finesse.

Just a small word of encouragement Springsheart. Many of us here have been in the same place of pain and disillusionment and hurt that you are right now. We've been at: " ... .but it feels like its too late." and gone forward with a new understanding to find out it wasn't and there is hope and there can be a better future. It's all about learning how to better understand, associate with and empathize with what you can understand about what troubles her to an extreme that makes her act the way she has in the past. It's  all about changing your responses and in doing she will change hers in a positive way.

Of course you know your own circumstances better than anyone and if that's possible or even a vision you want to strive for with her after the past you've experienced. I just want you to know there are hopes and possibilities in a lot of cases.

It is hard Springsheart. There's a lot to really learn and it's important to stick to really good information. Sounds like you are because they are two good books, the latter probably being one of the best I've read for a supporter. You've started a real adventure and it's a long difficult and involved one. Yes it's hard but hey the rewards and self-improvement that comes from it can be so rewarding as well. I can honestly say I'm a better person for having taken on that challenge. It's about personal growth and that positively affecting her ability to better herself with more awareness in a more settled and nurturing environment.

You're really doing well so far in tackling a better understanding.

I hope you keep in touch. There are a lot of great people here that are really there for you.

[formflier]

Springsheart,

I am so glad you have found us.  6 months of a lot of hate from someone we love is a lot to endure... .let me send you a big... .virtual hug!     

I can totally understand where you are coming from with the quote below... I've been there.

but it feels like its too late. 

The good news is... .its not too late.

The eggshells book is great... .that was my first book as well.  You are just starting a long journey of discovery about a disorder that has affected your life.  We will guide you.

For now... .you are smart to not discuss this forum... the books... or the possibility of her being BPD.  Let's get you a good education first... .then evaluate when and how to broach this subject.

Can you give us some detail of what happens... .when she hates you.  Just pick one episode... .argument... whatever... .

That will give us the detail we need to point you to your first big step at bpdfamily

I'm looking forward to seeing more posts from you!  You can do this!   

[an0ught]

Hi springsheart,

It has been less than a week since I found out what BPD is.  [... .]  I am reading a lot about it online and have bought 2 books that I am going through (eggshells and loving someone with BPD).  The most frustrating thing for me so far is that I am starting to understand why she acts this way, but it feels like its too late.  She either loves me more than anything or hates me more than anything, and for the past 6 months it has been a lot of hate.  I'm trying hard to support her and validate her feelings, but I am not hopeful. 

this is quite a shock to deal with and you find lot's of places where you hear "run" or "it is hopeless". Leaving is of course always a valid option but staying is not hopeless and this may be one of the best places to get support in that direction. In fact by getting these two highly recommended books you have done already a big step.  Starting to understand how you wife operates is another major step. 

I still love her but it is hard.

What in particular are you struggling with?

[4kidz]

hey springsheart- we are in the same boat. I have been painted black for the past 6 months as well. Educating myself via this website and various books definitely helps. Having said that if you have the desire ( strong desire) to withstand the bumps/roller coaster ride your already on and can utilize some of the communication tools I think you will find it does help. My uBPDw is currently away and involved in a program for life coaching skills. When I asked her what her goal is she states PERSONAL GROWTH. She had a difficult child hood which has seriously impacted her ( common theme). I give her all the credit in the world for trying to better herself. She realizes that her emotions get out of control and at times are child like. When she comes home I hope and pray that this has helped her. As for me- I am coming to the realization that what we had, or I thought I had may be gone forever. We may be headed for divorce or we may be headed back together. I honestly do not know what to expect. i love her to death and only want whats best for her. At the same time I have to look out for myself, take care of me. Which I am only beginning to learn... .Good luck and welcome!