Broken NC, Now I can't stop

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I broke NC on Thursday and sent her an email... .She didn't respond.

So I added her back on Skype on Friday, she accepted the request but wont respond to my IM's.

I'm really struggling with the the no closure thing atm ( she split up at the end of December with me and has not spoken to me since, never told me why she split up with me)

Why won't she speak to me! why can't i stop trying to contact her! any thoughts?

[Terrychango]

I broke NC on Thursday and sent her an email... .She didn't respond.

So I added her back on Skype on Friday, she accepted the request but wont respond to my IM's.

I'm really struggling with the the no closure thing atm ( she split up at the end of December with me and has not spoken to me since, never told me why she split up with me)

Why won't she speak to me! why can't i stop trying to contact her! any thoughts?

[jhkbuzz]

I broke NC on Thursday and sent her an email... .She didn't respond.

So I added her back on Skype on Friday, she accepted the request but wont respond to my IM's.

I'm really struggling with the the no closure thing atm ( she split up at the end of December with me and has not spoken to me since, never told me why she split up with me)

Why won't she speak to me! why can't i stop trying to contact her! any thoughts?

There's no way to know why she's not speaking with you.  I understand your pain because of the lack of closure - many of us have experienced it.  I was mid-text with my ex and she simply stopped responding.  That was 5 months ago, and we haven't spoken since. We were in an 8 year r/s.

I went back and read your original post - your ex sounds like she is struggling with a LOT of serious issues. In that post you said

One thing she did say is that she knows she is not ready for a relationship at the moment, today I find out from one of friends she is on a dating website!  How do I get through to her, I'm at my wits end, I still love her yet she won't speak to me.

This is the most difficult thing of all to comprehend:  even if you could sit down and ask her for the reasons why, she might not know herself. She simply might not be able to tell you. I read a very good quote one day on these boards: "I'm not sure a borderline mind knows what it is doing all the time.  The whole disordered dance is that of a deeply damaged psyche trying to find peace."

There is so much pain and chaos within her that there is no mental space, time or energy for your needs. You are expecting reciprocal consideration from someone who simply isn't healthy enough to give it. You are looking for answers and clarity from someone who is mentally ill. Ultimately, closure is something you will have to give to yourself.

Stick close to these boards, and consider whether or not resuming contact has brought you a greater measure of clarity or pain - then make decisions about your 'next steps' accordingly.  

[fromheeltoheal]

Why won't she speak to me!

If she exhibits traits of the disorder, she isn't speaking to you because it's the only way she can find to deal with strong emotions she can't soothe, regulate, any other way.  Your relationship reached a point where she was continually 'triggered', meaning she was all strong emotion and no rational thought and logic, and her needs had to come first, she didn't have a choice.  It's survival and she's surviving the best she can, and you can no longer be the solution, the soother, which is what she was using you for to begin with, you are now the trigger.

why can't i stop trying to contact her!

That is a much bigger and more important question.  She is who she is and will do what she does, and there's nothing you can do about that, so accepting that the way it is, is the only good choice.

Now you?  Different story.  These relationships can feel like an addiction, and when we lose the drug we get super motivated to chase it.  That's not love BTW, it's addiction, and digging around that, like what does it mean that she won't talk to you?  What could you make it mean?  Where does that drive to pursue her come from?  What's behind it?  What would it mean to let go of that pursuit?  What other points in your life has this situation shown up?  Much better to focus you and those questions, and more will become clear.

[Terrychango]

I'm just very confused, She doesn't really have a replacement 3 months on and she is having real Mental health issues from what i hear, I thought she would have come back chasing her emotional fix... .yes i should wave a  for myself atm or that how it feels.

Dont get me wrong my mind gets that she is wrong for me, but my heart craves her, this condition is cruel to both parties.

I saw her cut out her dad, her brother and her best friend and i guess i never believed she would do it to me, well i was very wrong.

[Infern0]

I'm just very confused, She doesn't really have a replacement 3 months on and she is having real Mental health issues from what i hear, I thought she would have come back chasing her emotional fix... .yes i should wave a  for myself atm or that how it feels.

Dont get me wrong my mind gets that she is wrong for me, but my heart craves her, this condition is cruel to both parties.

I saw her cut out her dad, her brother and her best friend and i guess i never believed she would do it to me, well i was very wrong.

Try to switch focus to your needs.

We often spend so much time thinking about them and wanting them back etc that we forget the reality of the situation.

She's a person who's likely not ever going to be capable of giving you what you want and need.  You do deserve a non disordered partner

[Terrychango]

I know you are right inferno, but try telling my dreams that, I was doing better then all of a sudden i have dreamt about her 6 days in a row and she always manipulates me and gets her own way even though i try to fight it!

Yes that makes me want to chase her, I sort of want to prove to myself that she can't do it to me anymore, to the extent she is controlling, vicious cycle atm i think.

any thoughts on stopping dreams of your ex?

[fromheeltoheal]

any thoughts on stopping dreams of your ex?

Don't try and stop them, let them happen; whatever happens in a dream is not real so it has no consequence, just don't act on it, which you've done, but now try and accept them for what they are.  One interpretation is our internal conflicts are getting worked out in our dreams, where our subconscious is coordinating with our conscious or dream-consciousness, to make sense of our lives, and literally rewires our brains.  I had very intense, full color dreams with my ex in them, in fact her's was the only face I could clearly see, it was the same story over and over, just different settings, the kind of dreams I remembered clearly once I woke up, but they eventually stopped entirely, she hasn't made an appearance in a long time, and there's a certain peace that goes with that, something to look forward to.  Take care of you!

[apollotech]

"It's survival and she's surviving the best she can, and you can no longer be the solution, the soother, which is what she was using you for to begin with, you are now the trigger."

Terry,

Above is the pristinely cold, stripped naked realization that we all must come to of how we, the Non, played our role in their life. "Accepting" said realization will move you away from personalizing the "why" and "what if" questions/answers.

(FHTH, wonderfully said. Your statement's elegance is borne in it's stark, truthful simplicity!)

[Suzn]

Terry this is a rough place to be, I'm sorry this is so painful for you. Dreaming about an ex can signify many things, an ex is a symbol. Your sub conscious communicates in symbols. I've read a lot about dream interpretation and granted it's in no way a proven science. I've repeatedly read that only the dreamer can interpret their own dreams. That said, there are two meanings that have stood out to me when dreaming of an ex that do seem to hit the nail on the head in a lot of cases.

1. We miss our exs and dream about them because we want to feel wanted.

2. Your sub conscious telling you you are repeating old behaviors that didn't work out. An ex is an ex for a reason.

It's up to you to decide if these fit. It may be helpful to spend time people you feel a sense of belonging with, where you feel wanted and secure. Self soothing is an important part of grieving your loss, how are you coping?

[Terrychango]

How am i coping, Badly 100%, She added me as a friend on Skype and that is why I broke NC.

Is she messing with me... .am i just triggering her by messaging her.

Its odd, from what people havetold me she hasn't replaced me, she is still seeing her therapist and still going to her group theapist, does that mean she could be improving or am i heavily deluded.

[HappyNihilist]

Terry, I'm so sorry you're having a difficult time and feel like you're not coping well. 

Is she messing with me... .am i just triggering her by messaging her.

There's no real way for any of us here to say for sure what her motivations are. Even she probably doesn't consciously know.

But once we "non" partners have become a trigger for the borderline partner's deep, core fears of abandonment, engulfment, and intimacy, then we remain a trigger.

Its odd, from what people havetold me she hasn't replaced me, she is still seeing her therapist and still going to her group theapist, does that mean she could be improving or am i heavily deluded.

It's great for her that she's still going to a therapist and group therapy, and is trying to work on herself. This is a long, difficult process for most people, and even more so for borderlines. It will most likely take years of therapy and dedication on her part to make significant improvements. It's far from an overnight, or even a months-long process. And over the course of therapy, she will be dealing with deep issues and pain, and will need to delve into those things without trying to distract herself to avoid them.

It sounds like a good sign that she's not in a relationship again, because maybe she truly is committed to focusing on herself. Whether or not that lasts is anyone's guess. Even non-borderlines sometimes "drop out" of therapy when it becomes painful and difficult.

Right now, the best thing for both of you is probably not to try to contact each other. It sounds like she's trying to work on herself, and (as painful and unfair as it is) you are a trigger now for her worst fears.

More importantly, you need and deserve time to focus on yourself and take care of You. She "triggers" you, too - and taking a break from trying to contact her will probably help you greatly.

You deserve your love, compassion, and kindness. Take care of yourself. 

As far as dreams go - hell, I still dream about my exBPDbf. It's not nearly as frequent as it used to be, but dreams are where our brains process our feelings, memories, etc. It's only natural that someone who had such a huge impact on our lives would make appearances in our dreams.

Dreaming about an ex can signify many things, an ex is a symbol. Your sub conscious communicates in symbols. I've read a lot about dream interpretation and granted it's in no way a proven science. I've repeatedly read that only the dreamer can interpret their own dreams. That said, there are two meanings that have stood out to me when dreaming of an ex that do seem to hit the nail on the head in a lot of cases.

1. We miss our exs and dream about them because we want to feel wanted.

2. Your sub conscious telling you you are repeating old behaviors that didn't work out. An ex is an ex for a reason.

[Terrychango]

More importantly, you need and deserve time to focus on yourself and take care of You. She "triggers" you, too - and taking a break from trying to contact her will probably help you greatly.

I never thought of that, she probably is triggering me to some degree. I just want an end to the push pull game... .it is exsausting me and is very upsetting.

[Suzn]

How am i coping, Badly 100%, She added me as a friend on Skype and that is why I broke NC.

She could be testing the waters so to speak. Who knows.

Your coping skills are what's important to help you get through this tough time. What do you do to help you get past these draining episodes? Do you get out, call a friend, a relative, go to the gym? What can you do to self sooth?

[dagwoodbowser]

There is so much pain and chaos within her that there is no mental space, time or energy for your needs. You are expecting reciprocal consideration from someone who simply isn't healthy enough to give it. You are looking for answers and clarity from someone who is mentally ill. Ultimately, closure is something you will have to give to yourself.

  Bing! Oh man... I so much love this quote. I was always her go to. Her "Rock" as she would call me when she would melt down. I always had to be the strong one. On rare occasions I would have bad days and I wanted to chat, talk or text and she would Not respond. As I learn more about BPD I realize I was both soother and trigger. Terrychango, I am on my 4th and final recycle. The first 2 times the very, very same thing happened to me. She cut me off completely. Nothing. Would not respond to texts, emails... forget calls. First time I made a fool of myself chasing, pleading to nothingness and stillborn air. I later found out that in a twisted way you only further push her away and validate her. After about 2 weeks of attempts I gave up. 80-90 days passed and she called and talked to me as though I had just left her house? I was soo stoked! What I didnt know is she had crashed and burned with several Orbitors and she simply wanted company and sex. Was that simple, but in my mind I ignored that she was simply needing something from me. We never regained the "magic" we first had but I hung on to the illusion. 3-4 months later, she dropped me on my head again. Wash, rinse, repeat. Each time she dropped me the rejection, the pain, the anger, the humiliation got worse. My point to all this Terrychango? Walk Away and never look back. I know, I know somewhere deep inside you there is a spark of faith and hope that you can change her, help her. I wont go into all the money, the time, the favors or how many times I saved her butt. In the end none of that matters because she expects it and if you cant/wont do it she will easily find someone who will.