Friends? Obviously these can be replaced too

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I saw some photos on FB of a party that my xBPDh had recently for a special birthday.  I couldn't believe that there were all these people there that I hadn't met during our 9.5 years together.  They can't be that close if they weren't around for all that time.  Also, I was surprised to see that most of his friends who attended our wedding 7 years ago, were not there.  Yet, these were people who were frequently around during our time together and some had been around for most of his life.

It looks like friends have been replaced too.  Or have they dropped him now?  Maybe more people have seen his true colours than I realised.

Has anyone else noticed that the BPD's friend groups change dramatically following a break-up?

I find this so difficult to understand.  I have friends that have been in my life for years and they have stayed around since I split with my ex.  I also have new friends but they come into my life gradually, not a bunch of 50 in a few months!  How do these people change their lives so dramatically in such a short time?

[Popcorn71]

I saw some photos on FB of a party that my xBPDh had recently for a special birthday.  I couldn't believe that there were all these people there that I hadn't met during our 9.5 years together.  They can't be that close if they weren't around for all that time.  Also, I was surprised to see that most of his friends who attended our wedding 7 years ago, were not there.  Yet, these were people who were frequently around during our time together and some had been around for most of his life.

It looks like friends have been replaced too.  Or have they dropped him now?  Maybe more people have seen his true colours than I realised.

Has anyone else noticed that the BPD's friend groups change dramatically following a break-up?

I find this so difficult to understand.  I have friends that have been in my life for years and they have stayed around since I split with my ex.  I also have new friends but they come into my life gradually, not a bunch of 50 in a few months!  How do these people change their lives so dramatically in such a short time?

[ShadowIntheNight]

I saw some photos on FB of a party that my xBPDh had recently for a special birthday.  I couldn't believe that there were all these people there that I hadn't met during our 9.5 years together.  They can't be that close if they weren't around for all that time.  Also, I was surprised to see that most of his friends who attended our wedding 7 years ago, were not there.  Yet, these were people who were frequently around during our time together and some had been around for most of his life.

It looks like friends have been replaced too.  Or have they dropped him now?  Maybe more people have seen his true colours than I realised.

Has anyone else noticed that the BPD's friend groups change dramatically following a break-up?

I find this so difficult to understand.  I have friends that have been in my life for years and they have stayed around since I split with my ex.  I also have new friends but they come into my life gradually, not a bunch of 50 in a few months!  How do these people change their lives so dramatically in such a short time?

If I had to say the reason they do it is because whomever they are now with they let those people envelop their life. I never knew most of my uBPDexgfs friends. I heard about them, but most of the time they were off traveling or moving or something crazy like that. And most of them were in their 20s, and she is in her 40s. Her coworkers are a different story all together.

The one time I heard from her she told me that she and her kids were doing new things with new people which is what she wanted. Why? I didn't personally know the old friends, so replacing them was irrelevant to our relationship of the last 9.5 years.

But I suspect, particularly if they have replaced you in a disgusting manner, that inside they know they've done something wrong and feel guilty when they look at their old friends. Somehow it brings of memories of us and the they are possibly overwhelmed with guilt and shame (which they should.)

But with new people they get a fresh slate. These people don't reflect onto her her shortcomings because they don't know them yet. She can be the wonderful person she supposes herself to be around people who don't know her. But give that time. With my exgf, anything she idealized tended to burn out within a 6 month time. And over time, these people will have to be replaced too.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

pwBPD struggle with all relationships, friends, lovers, family, anyone that gets too close will eventually be devalued and discarded.  My dBPDex has exactly one long term friend and they aren't close, just someone she sees about once a month face to face at most.  Everyone else in her life is a superficial relationship, people she parties with at most.  Her private life is a revolving door of lovers and short term friends.  Most people realize that she is a vicious selfish b___ and distance themselves.  Those that do not eventually are painted black for one reason or another.  Her one constant is always having a pseudo-harem of males around.  One might be the priority at any given time but she keeps constant feelers out through social media and dating apps for new sources.

Nothing and no one is ever going to be stable in a BPD's life.  The very essence of borderline personality disorder is unstable interpersonal relationships across the board.

[CloseToFreedom]

My exgf constantly lost friends. They always did something that made her split them black. She didn't had any need on making new friends while she was in  a relationship with me, the connection between us was enough for her I guess, but that ensured that a great deal of pressure was placed on me. It was more and more difficult for me to hang out with friends.

When she loses the connection (like when we split up), she will make new friends though, as fast as she can. She's already making less contact with them now that she has a replacement though.

[Invictus01]

I watched my ex having this bizarre falling out with one of her friends where she went from being kinda sorta maybe her best friend to the worst person ever that almost needed a restraining order to be taken against her (well, that's at least what my ex wanted to do) I couldn't understand all this, but obviously stood by her. At the end of this saga, my ex told me "And that is why I don't trust anybody" None of that made any sense to me at the time... .But now, I understand all this much much better... .

[4Years5Months]

This aspect of my exBPDgf wasn't something I really looked at until recently.  I always thought it was only me that was affected by her BPD (push and pull) but now I see that her "friends" were as well.

All of my ex's current "friends" that she hangs out with (including her new boyfriend) are co-workers that she spent nearly every day devaluing to me.  She would come home from work and tick off complaints about almost all of them.  Any compliments were superficial, such as something funny they said.  She never hung out with them until her latest push away phase with me.  Suddenly, she was going out nearly every night with different work cliques.  She said they were a "distraction" from her crappy life (always playing the victim).  Her new boyfriend (my replacement) was a guy she nicknamed "Forrest Gump" because he was such an idiot in her eyes.  Now she's doing the things she used to do with me, except with him.  I firmly believe that 80% of the reason she is with him is so she can still go out to places and shows with a "boyfriend."  Funny, the reason she broke up with me was she was planning to move away and didn't want to be in a doomed relationship.  Whoops.

Her "best friend" is a girl she has never met in real life.  A girl she met on a messageboard about 8 years ago, and the friendship grew outside of that.  She texts her endlessly.  The girl lives in NYC, and my ex and I took a vacation there in December, and we had plans to meet up with this friend, but it didn't happen.  My ex said it was a scheduling conflict, even though we were literally a 10 minute subway ride away from where the friend was.  I honestly wasn't surprised when it didn't happen.  It's like my ex has to keep her at a distance, that meeting in person would be odd.  

I have no doubt that she will slowly burn herself off of these current work friends, and will eventually devalue the new boyfriend, too.  But like Shadow said, it's a clean slate of people that she can mold her identity around.  Right now, she's the "culture queen" at work, because all of those co-workers go eat at chain restaurants and are amazed at the places she goes, so they are always asking her for recommendations.  It doesn't take a lot of intellect to do this, but oh well.  She used to complain to me that Forrest's favorite restaurant was Applebee's, and wouldn't you know it, she's taking him to all of the non-establishments.  I bet his tongue is dragging on the ground, thinking he has found Ms. Perfect.  If only he knew... .

[JRT]

Mine was not good at making friends at all... .she had a group of 2-4 with whom she had discarded when we began to date (it should have been a red flag for me)... .but towards the end, she brought them all back into contact DESPITE sharing clear contempt for them on various levels. She may have been thinking of my discarding at that point and had been lining them up as replacements (replacements need not be romantic, though most convenient).

[downwhim]

Forrest Gump? Pretty funny! My exBPD fiancé had a best friend for 14 years. He hired him at work, during lunch hours they would be in ping pong tournaments, fished a lot, we went on vacations with him and his wife. One day he called me up irate at his friend screaming and yelling over being cheated on some pot deal. He called his friend up, raged at him and that was it POOF. Gone. His wife called me and said what is up with X? She could not believe they couldn't work it out. Borderlines do not work it out, your in or your out, no gray, no compromise, no negotiation, no olive branch.

My friends became his friends although he would never get too close. My best friend describes him as "distant" and could not ever really join in the conversation all the way. But when we would get home after a party or something he would go on and on about what a jerk so and so was... .amazing how they can turn on a dime.

[ShadowIntheNight]

This aspect of my exBPDgf wasn't something I really looked at until recently.  I always thought it was only me that was affected by her BPD (push and pull) but now I see that her "friends" were as well.

All of my ex's current "friends" that she hangs out with (including her new boyfriend) are co-workers that she spent nearly every day devaluing to me.  She would come home from work and tick off complaints about almost all of them.  Any compliments were superficial, such as something funny they said.  She never hung out with them until her latest push away phase with me.  Suddenly, she was going out nearly every night with different work cliques.  She said they were a "distraction" from her crappy life (always playing the victim).  Her new boyfriend (my replacement) was a guy she nicknamed "Forrest Gump" because he was such an idiot in her eyes.  Now she's doing the things she used to do with me, except with him.  I firmly believe that 80% of the reason she is with him is so she can still go out to places and shows with a "boyfriend."  Funny, the reason she broke up with me was she was planning to move away and didn't want to be in a doomed relationship.  Whoops.

Her "best friend" is a girl she has never met in real life.  A girl she met on a messageboard about 8 years ago, and the friendship grew outside of that.  She texts her endlessly.  The girl lives in NYC, and my ex and I took a vacation there in December, and we had plans to meet up with this friend, but it didn't happen.  My ex said it was a scheduling conflict, even though we were literally a 10 minute subway ride away from where the friend was.  I honestly wasn't surprised when it didn't happen.  It's like my ex has to keep her at a distance, that meeting in person would be odd.  

I have no doubt that she will slowly burn herself off of these current work friends, and will eventually devalue the new boyfriend, too.  But like Shadow said, it's a clean slate of people that she can mold her identity around.  Right now, she's the "culture queen" at work, because all of those co-workers go eat at chain restaurants and are amazed at the places she goes, so they are always asking her for recommendations.  It doesn't take a lot of intellect to do this, but oh well.  She used to complain to me that Forrest's favorite restaurant was Applebee's, and wouldn't you know it, she's taking him to all of the non-establishments.  I bet his tongue is dragging on the ground, thinking he has found Ms. Perfect.  If only he knew... .

My uBPDexgf always went on about her coworkers as well. To their faces she was fair, supportive, a great friend. Everyday on her way home from work she would tell me what idiots they were, how they couldn't t perform their jobs, etc. Her favorite sentence about them always began, "I love my girl xxxx, BUT" and at that point she was devaluing whomever she was speaking about.

Friends aren't friends, at least when it came to my BPD. She was always critical of them. To their faces it was one way, to me, who she knew would never see them, it was completely different. And if they really upset her in some way, well it just wasn't good for them.

[4Years5Months]

To their faces it was one way, to me, who she knew would never see them, it was completely different.

THIS.  It's odd - my ex would go out with work friends, and those friends would bring THEIR significant others, but I was never asked to go with her.  Not once, in three different work circles in three different jobs she had.  I can't pinpoint why, but it may be related to what you said, Shadow.  I obviously would have never said anything to these "friends" about my ex's devaluing, but perhaps she didn't want me to meet them and find out they really weren't that bad.  She could paint them black to me, keep me away from them, and thus THAT is the opinion I would have of them.  HERS.

It could also be that I'm quite the extrovert and talkative and can make conversation with almost everyone, and there was no way she was going to have me upstage her in front of her friends, too.  Or maybe she devalued me to THEM, and so having me around would be awkward in that way.

It always struck me as odd.  I loved my ex and wanted her to meet and love all of my friends, and have them love her.  She never gave me that opportunity.  Her current guy is part of that work crowd, although I've heard she is spending most of her time with him exclusively now.  I'm not surprised.  He also had a lot of friends, and I bet they are slowly being phased out of his life, too.

[JRT]

To their faces it was one way, to me, who she knew would never see them, it was completely different.

THIS.  It's odd - my ex would go out with work friends, and those friends would bring THEIR significant others, but I was never asked to go with her.  Not once, in three different work circles in three different jobs she had.  I can't pinpoint why, but it may be related to what you said, Shadow.  I obviously would have never said anything to these "friends" about my ex's devaluing, but perhaps she didn't want me to meet them and find out they really weren't that bad.  

Compartmentlization

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=187737.0

[ShadowIntheNight]

4years, I would say you are correct about them being phased out. I had forgotten that about her.

I have been thinking about this quite a bit this morning and am now going to take a different tack because I remember what our life was like at the beginning of our relationship. We didn't live in the same city and she didn't have many friends in the city she lived in because she had just moved to the city and hadn't met many people. She did have very young kids at that time, and she worked in a hospital on the weekends while her husband (at that time) worked during the week. Now what people she met in the first year I have no idea about. But there were virtually none when I met her, except people she worked with.

However, she was very interested in getting to know all of my close friends. And I mean all of them. I, at that time, had been in AA for 15 yrs and was a successful business person. I had acquaintances and a few close friends. She met most of the close friends. The women were who she really wanted to meet. She wanted them to see "how good looking she was" and knew they would be "jealous" because of her looks. My friends aren't that shallow. Just the opposite. They were interested in my happiness and that she wasn't there to sponge money off of me. One of my long time female friends, she didn't like at all. My friend couldn't remember where she was from. My ex took that to mean my friend didn't like her. Whatever.

Another female friend who I met when I began an exercise class with and she was the instructor about 5 years in to our relationship,  my ex wanted to meet to show my friend that she was "better looking" than my friend. Really it was a way to check out, in her mind, the competition. She accused me of having an affair with this woman, told me to just sleep with her because my ex knew I wanted to etc.

The third close female friend was someone I had known since I was 20, since college. She had dated my brother when they were younger and we were friends tight. My ex accused her of wanting me and told me to just go have sex with her since that's what I wanted to do.

In all of these examples, when my uBPDexgf left last year, they were no longer the regular friends in my day to day life. I had given them up because I didn't want my ex to feel threatened by them. Plus I was having to put out so many fires in her life, I didn't have time for anyone but her. Fortunately they are all still my friends even though the fitness instructor hates her. And I mean hates her.

See what happened? She didn't want to meet my friends for me, she wanted to meet them for her. Probably so she could figure out what the "competition" was like so she could divide and conquer. She needed to know who had my ear so she could be the one to have my ear. Looking back, I am pretty sure it was really a control thing. My friends get to see what an awesome person she is (and good looking too!) and if I say negative things about her, they wont believe it. How could they? Look how charming and loving she was! Was it deliberate? I don't think so in the context of a con artist. I do think so for her ego, and to make sure she was number one.

And I now see that all those times she was accusing me of cheating was her fear of me abandoning her. Had I had a single clue about this illness I wouldn't have slowly given up my friends and I would have comforted her differently. So that's the different tack from my previous thoughts. It was my ex's pattern, and it was also her way of gaining sole control over me.

[Popcorn71]

But I suspect, particularly if they have replaced you in a disgusting manner, that inside they know they've done something wrong and feel guilty when they look at their old friends. Somehow it brings of memories of us and the they are possibly overwhelmed with guilt and shame (which they should.)

But with new people they get a fresh slate. These people don't reflect onto her her shortcomings because they don't know them yet. She can be the wonderful person she supposes herself to be around people who don't know her. But give that time. With my exgf, anything she idealized tended to burn out within a 6 month time. And over time, these people will have to be replaced too.

I agree with your thoughts on this.  It is as though anyone connected with 'us' has been wiped out of his life.  I know some people have chosen not to stay friends with him due to the replacement - they have told me this.  But so many others, who I thought were important to him, have gone too.  Although if he could replace his 'wife and soulmate' who he had waited his whole life for, so easily then it must be simple to replace mere friends.

A lot of the 'new friends' are actually 'old friends' from before he was with me and the rest are the large family of his one long time friend who I believe was also BPD (6 failed marriages and died a lonely old man with nobody).  My ex actually spent a lot of time avoiding this man and said awful things about him but nobody knows that except me.  Then when he died, my ex suddenly became chief mourner and has been taken under the wing of this large family who live miles away and don't actually realise how little the two men had to do with each other.  With these people, my ex and the replacement can be this lovely, generous couple who are always happy and out having a good time.  They don't know (and therefore can't tell the replacement) that my ex was actually a violent, child beating bully who was cheating on me with the replacement.

It was also interesting to see that in these photos (as in many others from the previous few months) champagne is flowing freely and my ex appears to me, to be buying friends and showing the replacement his wealth.  Of course he will be popular in a bar where he is buying the drinks!  How sad.  He always did like to make out he was well off when in fact he isn't at all and I know from various sources that the replacement looks as though she is with him for financial reasons above all else.  I wonder what will happen when the cash is gone?

[apollotech]

"A lot of the 'new friends' are actually 'old friends' from before... ."

My BPDexgf didn't exactly replace friends. What she did was use certain groups of friends for awhile, then something would happen to cause her to detach from that group, so she'd attach to another available group. She used friends, or groups of friends, just as she used men/replacements. When she wasn't attached to a specific group she always maintained enough contact with said unattached group to keep them available for a future reattachment. None of these people have any idea of who/what she is. As such, due to ignorance on their behalf, they become enablers by default.

BPD dictates that everything she does is conducted to meet her BPD needs. At best it is a sad and superficial existence.

[4Years5Months]

When she wasn't attached to a specific group she always maintained enough contact with said unattached group to keep them available for a future reattachment. None of these people have any idea of who/what she is. As such, due to ignorance on their behalf, they become enablers by default.

"The Book Of Mormon" musical toured our city a couple of months ago.  My ex, despite never watching nor liking "South Park" before meeting me, was DESPERATE to see it.  Tickets went on sale last fall.  The guy she replaced me with last summer bought two tickets ($200).  She then recycled with me and left him hanging.  Her response to standing him up?  Accepting blame and paying him back?  NAHHHHH.  "He can just take someone else!" she said, as if it's that simple.

Given that she was now dedicated to being with me "forever" and promised to move to the city I wanted to live in and have children with me, I bought her BOM tickets for her birthday.  She left me for the seventh time in February, leaving ME holding $200 in tickets.  Thankfully, I was able to resell them on StubHub.

But wouldn't you know it, she reattached herself to a female friend she had previously worked with, a friend who obsessively enters every pre-show BOM "lottery" drawing and has won tickets several times.  And of course, this friend won tickets and took her.  She still got to see the show.  Didn't accept the blame for her actions, didn't NOT see it as a result of her behavior.  No way.  She got what she wanted.  She hadn't seen this "friend" for over two years, but certainly was her best bud when it came time for her to still see her suddenly favorite musical. 

I have no doubt she hasn't talked to her since.

[Popcorn71]

She got what she wanted.  She hadn't seen this "friend" for over two years, but certainly was her best bud when it came time for her to still see her suddenly favorite musical. 

I have no doubt she hasn't talked to her since.

A word springs to mind 'User'.  The same word I think of when I think of my ex.  In fact, I thought it when I was with him, I should have seen that 

[Fr4nz]

I saw some photos on FB of a party that my xBPDh had recently for a special birthday.  I couldn't believe that there were all these people there that I hadn't met during our 9.5 years together.  They can't be that close if they weren't around for all that time.  Also, I was surprised to see that most of his friends who attended our wedding 7 years ago, were not there.  Yet, these were people who were frequently around during our time together and some had been around for most of his life.

It looks like friends have been replaced too.  Or have they dropped him now?  Maybe more people have seen his true colours than I realised.

Has anyone else noticed that the BPD's friend groups change dramatically following a break-up?

I find this so difficult to understand.  I have friends that have been in my life for years and they have stayed around since I split with my ex.  I also have new friends but they come into my life gradually, not a bunch of 50 in a few months!  How do these people change their lives so dramatically in such a short time?

Because BPD sufferers are unable to cultivate deep, long-lasting relationships. This holds for romantic relationship as well as for friendships. Even more, I'd say they are even worst in managing friendships, since these represent a more "volatile" kind of relationship.

I have the example of my exBPDgf: she has simply amazing social skills, she is really charismatic, nice, knows what to say, how to dress, knows ho to party, etc. She simply is a FORCE of NATURE when it comes to stay among people.

Yet, in almost 1.5 years I was with her, apart from family members, she had only 1 long-lasting relationship... .which was, anyway, with a man she had been the lover for 10+ years.

Friendships with girls were always superficial or short-lived (in the latter case we have the usual split black mechanism)... .on the other hand, they may be good in cultivating a sort of "emotional harem". In the case of my exBPDgf, she had 3-4 "deep" friends which, I recognize now, represented "caregivers" suitable for future relationships.

[trappedinlove]

Yes. Sadly, friends are replaceable too. I'm seeing that in my case as well where she's hanging out with a "replacement" group of friends.  She did remain in contact with a few good common friends but mostly replaced her circle of friends with a new having doing similar hobbies in the new town she has moved to.

BUT - I keep in mind that this is part of moving on with your life, to an extent.  I admit that I met quite a few new friends in the last 18 months and they are wonderful people that I'm very glad to have met.  I started a new artistic hobby and I feel very connected with these people I've met.  That said, I haven't broken my connections with my good old friends but I did reduce intensity and I don't see much of some common friends that weren't that close.  Also, being in contact with some common friends we had is quite painful to me, brings a lot of memories back and I'd rather avoid it, unfortunately... .

[clydegriffith]

When they move on it's like they have an entire new life and identity.

I was a replacement for the guy the BPDx had kids with before me and i always found it strange that she really didn't have any friends. She tried to make friends with my friends and would send a friend request to any female i had on Facebook, event he ones she never met.

Now she's cut off just about everyone she befriended when she was with me and started the same cycle over again which goes something like this: trap guy>have baby>all hell breaks loose>repeat

[newlifeBPDfree]

My ex has always been very sociable and has had a lot of friends. But recently I noticed that he changes his group of friends every 6-12 months. Or maybe they just start seeing through his behavior and chose to detach themselves.

He seems to constantly accquire new "friendships" nowadays.

[Beach_Babe]

Mine trolls OK cupid, and Internet mental health  boards for friends.