How did you let go of those hopes and dreams?

[valet]

I think AwakenedOne makes a good point with masks.

I see two people now and one more so than the other. Sometimes she wears a mask depending on who's in our company; the kids for example and this is her false self. It's not sustainable; she has unstable interpersonal relationships and an unstable sense of self. She doesn't know whom she really is.

The other person I see is the person that projects shame, guilt, insecure, empty, low self worth; the person that's under the surface.

I don't mean to derail the thread, but this is a truly amazing post.

I've been in touch with my ex lately (re-establishing and finally sticking to my boundaries), and every time I see her she seems utterly vacant. It's like she can't be the person that I met around me anymore, or not even the shadow of her.

It really is such an incredible duality to witness, and it makes me sad. We need to take away the fact that it is not sustainable, then we have to let go of the sadness of their illness and finally not feel responsible for them anymore. This is how we let go of our already shattered relationship with hope that we once had in our pwBPD partnerships.

Some things cannot be fixed after they are broken.

[gomez_addams]

The hopes and dreams I struggle to let go of are not so much the marriage.  It's been a while that I realized that the marriage was never going to be what I hoped.  I've been reading about BPD and seeing a therapist for almost a full year now.

For me, it's less the "dreams and hopes", and more of the spreadsheet stuff.  If there's X amount in this account and Y amount in this other account and zero debt, then we can build/buy a home and I can go to college and she  just has to have a job to cover minor expenses... .and we can do that in 2016.

Now it looks like I might be putting some of those dreams off for a few years, and others off indefinitely, because of the cold, hard numbers.  The emergency fund is 1/2 what it needs to be, the down payment fund is 2/3 what it needs to be, and we're $22K in debt (at 6.8%).  Some of this is my fault for failing to set/enforce boundaries in the past year when I knew about BPD... .

I guess the most positive aspect is that I'm looking at the future -- this sucks, what steps can I take to stop being a victim and fix it?  Letting go of the marriage/love hopes and dreams, while I do miss the woman that idealized me, isn't what's killing me anymore.

Gomez

[michel71]

My wedding to my udBpdStbxW was the most magical day of my life (bar the birth of my 2 children) it was a perfect sunny day we dressed in our steampunk clothes and enjoyed the company of good friends

Alas it was just the start of rages/paranoia/control/kitchen sinking/emotional abuse and whilst i hold the fondest memories of that day and her beauty... .the memory of her 'ugly' side keeps me strong and whilst i know under all the toxic sludge is a goddess the thought of not being a sacrifice at her disordered altar and having the life and love i deserve keeps me moving forward 

WELL SAID

[michel71]

Hey Michel!

Good to hear from you! I was wondering how you were! I am sorry Michel that things arent working out for you and your wife. I hope you'll be okay and safe... .

How did I let go of my hopes and dreams? I stopped believing in Santa Claus... .Thats basically what this experience was like... .The man doesnt exist. He was a figment of my imagination, a mirrage, a projection. He pretended to be Santa, all good and jolly, but underneath the costume was ebenezer/chuckie... .

The whole thing was a lie, a dream a fairytale and I needed to wake up from this coma! He's off into the sunset with the affair/replacement and I will from now on only deal with the truth and reality. Radical Acceptance, hard work, grieving, building a new life... .

Hardest thing I ever did, but now after 6 months NC, I can say it strenghtened me, it thought me so much about myself.

Hang in there Michel, take care!  

Hi Recoop! Good to hear from you as well! You know you and so many others talk about the affairs/rebounds/ replacements that these BPD have just before or right after your relationship with them ends. I often wonder if this is somehow easier in the healing process. I may be terribly short sighted here and I don't mean to trivialize anybody's pain relative to infidelity, but it begs a few questions. IF the BPD is also a cheater or quickly replaces you, does that make it easier to look at them not just pitifully disordered but also jerks without character? Does that make you have some sort relief that they are not concentrating on you or pining away for you thus making it much easier for you to heal quicker? Just some thoughts. Maybe I am way off on this.

[michel71]

The hopes and dreams I struggle to let go of are not so much the marriage.  It's been a while that I realized that the marriage was never going to be what I hoped.  I've been reading about BPD and seeing a therapist for almost a full year now.

For me, it's less the "dreams and hopes", and more of the spreadsheet stuff.  If there's X amount in this account and Y amount in this other account and zero debt, then we can build/buy a home and I can go to college and she  just has to have a job to cover minor expenses... .and we can do that in 2016.

Now it looks like I might be putting some of those dreams off for a few years, and others off indefinitely, because of the cold, hard numbers.  The emergency fund is 1/2 what it needs to be, the down payment fund is 2/3 what it needs to be, and we're $22K in debt (at 6.8%).  Some of this is my fault for failing to set/enforce boundaries in the past year when I knew about BPD... .

I guess the most positive aspect is that I'm looking at the future -- this sucks, what steps can I take to stop being a victim and fix it?  Letting go of the marriage/love hopes and dreams, while I do miss the woman that idealized me, isn't what's killing me anymore.

Gomez

I can totally understand that it has hit you in your finances. I am part of that club as well. She says that she does not want alimony but we are living under the same roof for now due to the financial picture she contributed to. Let's see what happens if she decides to move out BEFORE she gets that big job ( she is in school now, due to graduate in one year, and then making RN wages).

[jhkbuzz]

We have to face reality as it presents itself to us, but the reality with pwBPDs constantly shifts. Those of us who are stable don't make those shifts very well, because we can't just switch off feelings, or jump from one part of ourselves into another, where the feelings are so different. We have to let go of deep attachments in the normal way, by giving up on realizing our hopes with this particular person, by hard grieving after that.

It's so difficult to know when we should separate from someone, even in normal relationships. When is bad so bad that getting out would be better? When our BPD partners can change so drastically and suddenly from day to day, how do we gauge when it's gotten bad enough and will stay that way? One expert on BPD (Otto Kernberg) has said that pwBPDs are "stably unstable." They hop from one part of themselves to another, but don't make much forward progress. Once this pattern is "stable," things don't really get better overall, even if there are still some really good times.

What have you read by Otto Kernberg?

[michel71]

Thank you all for these very insightful and helpful posts.

[Recooperating]

Hey Michel!

Good to hear from you! I was wondering how you were! I am sorry Michel that things arent working out for you and your wife. I hope you'll be okay and safe... .

How did I let go of my hopes and dreams? I stopped believing in Santa Claus... .Thats basically what this experience was like... .The man doesnt exist. He was a figment of my imagination, a mirrage, a projection. He pretended to be Santa, all good and jolly, but underneath the costume was ebenezer/chuckie... .

The whole thing was a lie, a dream a fairytale and I needed to wake up from this coma! He's off into the sunset with the affair/replacement and I will from now on only deal with the truth and reality. Radical Acceptance, hard work, grieving, building a new life... .

Hardest thing I ever did, but now after 6 months NC, I can say it strenghtened me, it thought me so much about myself.

Hang in there Michel, take care!  

Hi Recoop! Good to hear from you as well! You know you and so many others talk about the affairs/rebounds/ replacements that these BPD have just before or right after your relationship with them ends. I often wonder if this is somehow easier in the healing process. I may be terribly short sighted here and I don't mean to trivialize anybody's pain relative to infidelity, but it begs a few questions. IF the BPD is also a cheater or quickly replaces you, does that make it easier to look at them not just pitifully disordered but also jerks without character? Does that make you have some sort relief that they are not concentrating on you or pining away for you thus making it much easier for you to heal quicker? Just some thoughts. Maybe I am way off on this.

Hi Michel71,

Hope you're feeling better and can handle this difficult situation relatively well.

As to your question about healing quicker if there is infidelity or a replacement, I'd have to say yes and no... .Yes bc if he wouldnt have cheated again and again it would have taken me longer to leave him as infidelity is a huge violation of my boundaries. I tried to work through it the first time, but when it happened again I couldnt deal with it. So me leaving sooner naturally means I heal quicker. But... .Being replaced that quickly or being cheated on was a huge blow to my selfasteem, it was a blow to my trust in people, it made me question myself and being replaced this quick (they moved in 2 weeks past bu) made me seriously question if I had meant anything to this man. So that added injury slowed down my healing process. I still struggle with that. I know his actions say nothing about me and I cant let my selfasteem be dependant on his actions and BS, but the feeling of "not being good enough" still creep up on me. I want his new rs with this woman to fail, crash and burn, only to validate me and confirm my opinion of him. Which is unhealthy, childish and irrational. His new rs shouldnt bother me, irritate me or even be any of my concern. My health, sanity, happiness and life is my only concern. I know this rationally, but the emotions get in the way... .Indifference... .Work in progress! So somehow Im glad he cheated cause it made me cancel the wedding and get out, but it was an emotional set back... .

How are you doing now Michel?