Using sex immediately to draw you in...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

4years5months,

Are you disappointed finding out that your values were different?

[Mutt]

4years5months,

Are you disappointed finding out that your values were different?

[apollotech]

"Apollo, may I add - "As long as I am honest about it and he forgives me, it's okay to do it again."  My mistake was not casting her out of my life when she did it.  And wouldn't you know it, she did it to me again.  And yes, she will likely do it again to other guys, but I never told her with my actions that it wasn't okay.  I'm not sure that it would have had a different effect, but I'm kicking myself now, months later.  I was a sucker for believing that she honestly wanted to change.  I believe she felt terrible, but I was wrong to think she had the strength to stop her awful behavior."

4Years,

I think you're being a little hard on yourself for an unfounded reason. Keep in mind that looking back you now have ALL of the history. You now have the full power/authority of knowing. You wanted the relationship and her; you had faith/confidence/trust that she wanted you and the relationship as well, and that she'd right herself. I personally don't see a problem with your behavior at that time. You extended very admirable and selfless gestures to someone that you believed in, at that time.

Only later did it become clear that your gestures were misplaced on her. "On her" is the key. She is the exception, not the rule. Your system is not broken as it will work well for the majority of the people that you will encounter; it didn't work with her because "she" is unhealthy and could not take advantage of your generosity. That is not to say that we shouldn't work on ourselves in better equiping ourselves to deal with any unhealthy people/situations that might be encountered down the road.

In my particular situation with my BPDexgf, my forgiveness was not required for her absolution. The mere fact that she was "honest" about it absolved all transgression(s). How I felt or what it did to me was never a part of the equation. As in most things that she did, she had complete control over her own absolution regarding transgression(s) against others.

[4Years5Months]

Mutt - absolutely I was disappointed.  When she had me painted white, I was the ONLY person who understood her, the ONLY person she wanted to be around, etc.  Then suddenly, she was in bed with another guy and all of it "wasn't a big deal" to her.  It's as if she threw it all out the window for what she needed AT THAT MOMENT, which is common with BPD from what I have read.  She is doing it again with her current guy, someone she worked with who she repeatedly devalued to me - and I believe she honestly felt that way when she did it.  But then I didn't chase after her when she broke up with me, so she looked for the nearest replacement, even if it was a guy she nicknamed "Forrest Gump" due to his lack of intellect in her eyes, among other things she supposedly wouldn't associate with (Christian and Republican).  But he fits what she needs RIGHT NOW.  And I find it incredibly sad that she can lower and morph herself into someone different, simply to land a guy.

Apollo, I have learned lots of valuable lessons from my experiences with my ex.  I went blindly into a relationship with her and ignored MANY red flags that I now see in retrospect.  I TRUSTED that she was a good person.  And underneath all of her emotional issues, she IS a good person.  But her issues dominate her life.  I will go forward with every future partner and give them an objective chance, rather than just assuming.  No, not all women are like my ex, and I will not go into future relationships thinking the worst, nor will I be more hesitant to bail.  But my trust was damaged.  I will be more cautious in the future.  I think all of us who had a BPD partner are this way.

[FracturedReality]

Yeah, same thing with my dBPDex



She jumped into bed with me, and claimed that her ex raped her. We had sex DAILY for a few months. Then she said she thought I was only with her for the sex. So we slowed down. Got to the point where once a month seemed often. Then she started cheating on me. Then when I was going to dump her she got hyper sexually active again, daily for a little bit. Every time I went to break up with her she'd get extremely sexual.


After breaking up, she's moved on through two different relationships. Her ex (After me) said she claimed I raped her. She called me one night and claimed he raped her. Now she's with some other guy, and that guy told me I was scum because I raped her. I rolled my eyes, knowing she'll say the same about him. I genuinely tried to warn him, too. I mean, I didn't push hard but when he said she claimed I raped her I told him she has said that about every one of her exes. I made the comment that the daily sex she's having will stop soon and become every other month. Anyways, she's now breaking up with him (Funny, I'm the only one who has ever broken up with her instead of the other way around. What the heck does that mean?)


Anyway, point is that does seem to be a trait.

[DyingLove]

When things first started up with me and my ex, I didn't look at little things in the magnifying glass. Things just seem to be going normal whatever normal might be. We didn't get to physically meet for 10 months because we had a long distance relationship. I knew without a doubt that there was going to be sex on that first night we were together. There was talk about it, there was intimate Skype, texts and photos, and I didn't think anything out of the ordinary about any of it.

What I'm going to say right now, I mean with complete respect for her. There's no other way to say this except that she did not have the body of Anna Nicole Smith. I had no problem with that, I fell in love with her 10 months prior and as we are broken up now I still love her. But she had no problem whatsoever dropping her close to the ground and prancing around in front of me. The fact that she was married twice prior really should not be an excuse for being so unmodest. But I will address in, even through the breakup she dropped her close and hopped in bed the same way. Showing off every portion of her body with no shame whatsoever. Okay I already know that I should not have even been under the same roof or in the same room or in the same bed during the breakup but I didn't have much of a choice. Looking back now I can add up all the little idiosyncrasies that did not seem right at the time and see how they were really BPD behavior. Prior to us actually meeting physically, there was someone else that I had intended to meet, and she asked me if I would not meet that person and meet her first. At this point it seems that she was trying to get her sexual Hooks into me also. When you fall in love with somebody, it doesn't matter how certain things are. I'm no prize package either and I appreciate when somebody accepts me for whom I am. Believe me when I say that although I loved her to death, the sex was good but far from the best. I'll leave it at that and I'm sure you could come to your own conclusion.

[raisins3142]

When things first started up with me and my ex, I didn't look at little things in the magnifying glass. Things just seem to be going normal whatever normal might be. We didn't get to physically meet for 10 months because we had a long distance relationship. I knew without a doubt that there was going to be sex on that first night we were together. There was talk about it, there was intimate Skype, texts and photos, and I didn't think anything out of the ordinary about any of it.

What I'm going to say right now, I mean with complete respect for her. There's no other way to say this except that she did not have the body of Anna Nicole Smith. I had no problem with that, I fell in love with her 10 months prior and as we are broken up now I still love her. But she had no problem whatsoever dropping her close to the ground and prancing around in front of me. The fact that she was married twice prior really should not be an excuse for being so unmodest. But I will address in, even through the breakup she dropped her close and hopped in bed the same way. Showing off every portion of her body with no shame whatsoever. Okay I already know that I should not have even been under the same roof or in the same room or in the same bed during the breakup but I didn't have much of a choice. Looking back now I can add up all the little idiosyncrasies that did not seem right at the time and see how they were really BPD behavior. Prior to us actually meeting physically, there was someone else that I had intended to meet, and she asked me if I would not meet that person and meet her first. At this point it seems that she was trying to get her sexual Hooks into me also. When you fall in love with somebody, it doesn't matter how certain things are. I'm no prize package either and I appreciate when somebody accepts me for whom I am. Believe me when I say that although I loved her to death, the sex was good but far from the best. I'll leave it at that and I'm sure you could come to your own conclusion.

Yeah, I kissed mine on her friend's couch (3 hours after first meeting her) with her friend and friend's partner in the next room sleeping.

After kissing for a while fully clothed, without prompting she stood up and took down her pants and underwear.  I was a bit shocked and thought "well, I guess we are having sex on this couch then".

[4Years5Months]

Raisins, about two months before my ex and I started dating, I had her and other co-workers over to my house for a casual get together.  We were friends on Facebook and traded comments back and forth, but that night was only the THIRD time I had seen her in person - the other two were different nights out with work people (we worked at the same retail store, but never together, I was only part time).  She was shy and didn't really talk to me, and rode with a friend, and left at the end of the night.

Months later, when we were now dating, she told me she would have slept with me that night had I made a move.  Easy to say that in hindsight, but she was serious.  REALLY?  A handful of comments on Facebook, and seeing me in person for the THIRD time (probably two hours total time over those three occasions), you had barely spoken to me in person, but you would have slept with me? 

I said all of that to her, and got the "sex isn't a big deal for me" response.  Obviously.  But she would go on and on about how most men are sexist pigs who just want to get laid and claimed to be a feminist with high standards.  Given who she is with now, obviously not.

[Infared]

Raisins, about two months before my ex and I started dating, I had her and other co-workers over to my house for a casual get together.  We were friends on Facebook and traded comments back and forth, but that night was only the THIRD time I had seen her in person - the other two were different nights out with work people (we worked at the same retail store, but never together, I was only part time).  She was shy and didn't really talk to me, and rode with a friend, and left at the end of the night.

Months later, when we were now dating, she told me she would have slept with me that night had I made a move.  Easy to say that in hindsight, but she was serious.  REALLY?  A handful of comments on Facebook, and seeing me in person for the THIRD time (probably two hours total time over those three occasions), you had barely spoken to me in person, but you would have slept with me? 

I said all of that to her, and got the "sex isn't a big deal for me" response.  Obviously.  But she would go on and on about how most men are sexist pigs who just want to get laid and claimed to be a feminist with high standards.  Given who she is with now, obviously not.

My experience is over time they make no sense whatsoever. There is just tons of conflicting information that doesn't add up... .but it does once I realized that I was in the presence of a person with no sense of self. No personal values or integrity.  Their's just fluctuates with the outside influences of recent input and experiences. There is no "depth". It's the only assessment that explains the behavior to me.

[raisins3142]

I said all of that to her, and got the "sex isn't a big deal for me" response.  

And there is a reason why people don't trust partners (male or female) with this opinion.

It means if they are horny or lonely or mischievious or mad at you one night and out of town, then it isn't a big deal to cheat on you because it is just sex and then of course you aren't so enlightened so they'll have to lie to keep you from being a baby.

This is why people don't like to date folks that can't even begin to count or remember the number of sexual partners they have had.

 BPD

If I were a woman, I would not date a male player for this reason.  I've turned down sex several times and should have that first drunken night with my uBPDexgf, and just walked.

[4Years5Months]

I don't believe my ex ever cheated on me.  She would certainly break up with me and then pursue a replacement (which is technically not cheating, but... .), but never did she flat out cheat on me.  I think her "sex isn't a big deal" quote referred to when she MEETS a new guy.

Funny thing is, when you are actually in a relationship with her, it's a SUPREME priority, in a negative way.  Like I said, our sex dissolved into more of a demand and performance evaluation than actual fun and passion.  She told me that my replacement in 2013 actually sat down with her and said "I don't want there to be such an expectation that every time we hang out that we need to have sex" which of course offended her.  But I understood where he was coming from... .she puts the pressure on.  Now, if you're horny and in a new relationship with her, it's a godsend.  But I've heard my current replacement keeps making innuendo laden comments about having sex with her on her Facebook (":)id you like the other treat you had last night?", in a "I'm mentioning this so you'll comment back and validate that it was good" kind of way.  So I think he's feeling the pressure now, too.

[raisins3142]

But I've heard my current replacement keeps making innuendo laden comments about having sex with her on her Facebook (":)id you like the other treat you had last night?", in a "I'm mentioning this so you'll comment back and validate that it was good" kind of way.  So I think he's feeling the pressure now, too.

Any adult that does this sort of thing publicly, and on facebook no less where it is saved and displayed, is an idiot/attention seeker/gross. 

[4Years5Months]

He is appearing to be exactly what my ex said he was months ago... .as she devalued him and said he was the exact opposite of what she looks for in a guy.  Talk about values... .

For what it's worth, I went on a first date last night with a girl that I've casually known for about a decade.  We went out to dinner and talked for three hours.  After we left, I walked her to her car and kissed her goodnight.  Not once did I think of asking to go back to her place, and not once did I think she was going to insinuate that could even happen.  And I was fine with it.  And frankly, I respected her tremendously and can't wait to see her again.  I can't imagine what I would be feeling if she had offered to sleep with me, honestly.

[TenderSurrender]

He is appearing to be exactly what my ex said he was months ago... .as she devalued him and said he was the exact opposite of what she looks for in a guy.  Talk about values... .

For what it's worth, I went on a first date last night with a girl that I've casually known for about a decade.  We went out to dinner and talked for three hours.  After we left, I walked her to her car and kissed her goodnight.  Not once did I think of asking to go back to her place, and not once did I think she was going to insinuate that could even happen.  And I was fine with it.  And frankly, I respected her tremendously and can't wait to see her again.  I can't imagine what I would be feeling if she had offered to sleep with me, honestly.

That sounds like heaven right there.  I hope you end up going out again.  Enjoy!

[4Years5Months]

It's certainly helping me get over my ex, even though my new girl is great in and of herself.  We are going back out again on Saturday.

[TenderSurrender]

It's certainly helping me get over my ex, even though my new girl is great in and of herself.  We are going back out again on Saturday.

That's great.  I hope date number two went well.

[hurting300]

Mine had control. She waited 8 weeks.