Is silence really golden?

[thefixermom]

Hello,

We moved my adult daughter back in.  Things had been going well and we had a good talk about how it would be.  She is in transition and without going into it, this was what we all thought was best.  She is 38 but going on 15 with her relationship with me.  She was happy and joyful and talkative. I was thanking God for the improvement in our relationship.   On day 3 she argued about where we wanted her to park her car. I wasn't home.  My husband of 19 years, so not her dad, told me of the incident and my blood got up. This was not what we agreed, that she would start in with rebellion.  I didn't let my emotions clear first and went knocking on her door and told her to move her car.  She looked shocked, then got upset and said, "You believe him without even asking me what happened."  That's true, I did. I still do. I told her just to move her car and as she walked outside she was yelling loudly at me, calling me a psychotic bully, over and over.  She moved the car and went back to her room.   That was several days ago.  My husband and I shook off the incident quickly and considered it establishing that this is our home and we have a few easy rules to follow and if she does so, all will be fine.  She, however, internalized it into something greater and is now giving us the silent treatment.  She is not being rude but she is making a strong gesture of, "I will only talk to you if it is necessary."  She is following all the rules and cleaning up afterself with no objection.  That part is wonderful because she has always been quite a bit of a mess before.  But she has removed all humanness in her contact with us, being robotic and it is clear to my senses that she has no intention of changing this. 

At first I thought it was childish pouting or sulking but now I see there is no emotion in it, she is in a place where she feels safe and fully insulated from us and I sense she will stay there for however long she is with us.   I find myself inwardly softening and wanting to draw her out.  Is that part of the game?  Is she trying to get me there?  Should I go there? Or does that reinforce the withdrawal.  I learned while training animals to never go into a withdrawn dog's house to get him, to wait for him to come out and then praise him. 

I seem to go from confident, "this is my house and there are the rules" to an anxious "what have I done and how can I undo it" mode.  This comes from being afraid of another estrangement and also the fact that the next place she is tempted to move to if it doesn't work out with us is not a good situation for her and it is a couple thousand miles away. 

Thanks for being a place I can share this. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi thefixermom,

Welcome to the site and the Parent's Board.  We are glad to have you here and sorry  that your and your daughter's  lives have been affected by this disorder.

I'm sure your daughter was committed to observing your limits and boundaries when she agreed to them.  In the moment she was all in... .and now she has withdrawn emotionally in order to abide by the agreement. Is she punishing you?  Is she protecting herself emotionally in order to be able to co exist?  Perhaps both... .?

Here is a link to some helpful information about the silent treatment, what purposes is serves for them and how to cope with it.  If you click on the link in green it will take to that info.

Silence, the Ultimate Control by Dorothy Neddermeyer PhD.

I understand your comparison between approaching an animal and approaching your daughter.  I used to train horses.  I  would approach them in a non threatening way... .slowly sideways so my body was open to them, low energy level, no direct eye contact, and non threatening posture.  We as humans have the same fight or flight instinct for survival.

There are ways we can learn to communicate to benefit self, relationships, our kids.  Have you read much about BPD and what causes your daughter's behaviors?

I look forward to your reply.

lbjnltx

[livednlearned]

Hi thefixermom,

Welcome to the site!

The silent treatment can be a gutting experience. I'm sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other.

I remember reading in a book about verbal abuse that the silent treatment is the worst form of verbal abuse because it is a way of erasing your existence.  :'( You are insightful to know that your D38 is trying to create some safety for herself, although the effect of that is painful on you and your husband.

I seem to go from confident, "this is my house and there are the rules" to an anxious "what have I done and how can I undo it" mode.

I understand this so well! You are not alone in feeling this way. There are fortunately communication skills that can help be a bridge between the confidence and anxiety. Have you read about validation? I use this with my son and when I'm doing it effectively, it can feel like a ray of hope. Members have talked about this skill here: COMMUNICATION: Validation - tools and techniques

You have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion and education. 

Keep us posted on how things are going for you. Hang in there.

LnL

[thefixermom]

We had a long day away... .had to take my husband to the city for some medical appointments and do our grocery shopping / errands.  It is wonderful to come home finally and see your compassionate responses.

Over the years I have been quite verbally abused by my daughter, often in public and typically obscene so I have to admit that the silent treatment, for me, is a better choice.   I do believe she knows that this time around the verbal abuse won't be tolerated.  My husband and I are a stronger more united front than we were before. When he was very ill, and she lived with us, she took advantage of that, coming after me while he helplessly listened from his bed, too weak to participate.

Thank you for your link to the Validation tools, LnL.  I admit that when I was on the offense a few days ago, feeling protective of my spouse, I did not validate her.  I was all about establishing that she was going to have a consequence for mouthing off at my husband when he made a simple request (more like a reminder) that she was to park her car in its place.

And thank you so much, lbjnitx, for the link to the "Silence" article! I need that, as well.  Before coming here I had googled some articles on adults who pout and sulk but none of them really gave me what I was looking for, a deeper understanding and education.

I will read both articles.   I have read a couple books about BPD when it was first brought to my attention by someone close to me who suggested my daughter fit the profile. It appears to be the case, although to her, it is I who is ill and in need of psychiatric treatment. 

Thank you, again

[lbjnltx]

Hello again thefixermom,

Good to see you back again. 

I can understand why the silence is preferable to the verbal abuse.  The verbal rages from my daughter would escalate so fast I would feel stunned and confused... .left wondering what just happened here?  I'm sorry your husband, while ill, had to go through that.  He must have felt so helpless to intervene and try to protect you and vice versa.

I'm glad that you and your husband are stronger and united this time around with your daughter.  It is important that you both have strong boundaries and are on the same page with the limits that are set. Have you and your husbands talked with your daughter about your individual boundaries? Limits/house rules are generally agreed upon by all family members.  Did your d participate in setting the limits (like who parks where, who does what, etc... ).

I am going to include this link for you to explore regarding boundaries and limits as it seems the next useful info you will need on your journey of understanding and self care:

Communicate Boundaries & Limits

Boundaries can create that safe space for us to practice self care.  When we have this safe space mentally/physically/emotionally we are better able to learn and put into practice our skills like validation, acceptance, being of wisemind, and more self care.  When we practice these skills with our kids we reconnect with them emotionally and in a safe way for us and beneficial way for our kids.  This is a very circular process... .and it is interconnected.

lbj