Struggling with broken engagement

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi, I'm new here... .

My ex-fiance has BPD. About six weeks ago, he ended our engagement and broke up with me. I am having an extremely difficult time coping.

Some history:

He and I became best friends 5 years ago. We were both in other romantic relationships, so nothing ever happened between us. It was obvious we had a strong connection and feelings for each other, but neither of us are cheaters or were willing to end our relationships. At one point, we decided we should stop hanging out, and I wound up moving across the country for a job.

We didn't talk for a couple years but I thought about him the whole time. I actually ended my own relationship because I realized I had stronger feelings for my BPD friend and I wanted to find someone that I loved like him. (I never reached out to him because I didn't know his status.)

Then two years ago, BPD friend got in touch with me and told me he had been thinking about me the past few years, and that he loved me and wanted to be with me. I had never been so happy in my life. He moved across the country to be with me, and we dated for about a year and a half, and for 90% of the time, it was the happiest I had ever been in my life.

The exceptions were a few times when he got blackout drunk. Anytime that would happen, he would tell me that he didn't love me, didn't want to be with me, wanted to be alone forever, and that he felt like he was two different people: The guy who wanted to be a good boyfriend and husband and dad, and the guy who wanted to be alone forever and drink himself to death. Other red flags: He told me he was afraid of commitment and intimacy and was terrified I would abandon him. He also has no friends (literally none) because he's cut them all out.

In November, we got engaged and planned to get married in April. As the wedding inched closer and we made more plans, he started disengaging. Our sex life (which had dwindled) stopped altogether. He wouldn't sleep in bed with me. He would barely even talk to me. And then he broke off the engagement and broke up with me, and moved into a hotel.

He has a certain amount of self-awareness -- knows he has BPD, knows he has abandonment and intimacy issues, says he wants to see a therapist/psychiatrist and try and change his life. But he's not doing it. He's telling me he needs space but that maybe we can revisit our relationship down the line. He has apologized for hurting me but also does not want me there while he tries to cope.

I know that he is stringing me along and I know that he will just recycle me the way he has in the past. But I love him so much. I want to be there for him and support him -- I am an EXTREMELY empathetic person -- but I also don't want to suffer at his whims. He really is the best friend I've ever had and the deepest love I have ever known, and I don't know how to let go, or even if I SHOULD let go.

This was long, but I just don't know where to go or what to do. Any insights or advice would be extremely appreciated.

[vcrbeauty]

Hi, I'm new here... .

My ex-fiance has BPD. About six weeks ago, he ended our engagement and broke up with me. I am having an extremely difficult time coping.

Some history:

He and I became best friends 5 years ago. We were both in other romantic relationships, so nothing ever happened between us. It was obvious we had a strong connection and feelings for each other, but neither of us are cheaters or were willing to end our relationships. At one point, we decided we should stop hanging out, and I wound up moving across the country for a job.

We didn't talk for a couple years but I thought about him the whole time. I actually ended my own relationship because I realized I had stronger feelings for my BPD friend and I wanted to find someone that I loved like him. (I never reached out to him because I didn't know his status.)

Then two years ago, BPD friend got in touch with me and told me he had been thinking about me the past few years, and that he loved me and wanted to be with me. I had never been so happy in my life. He moved across the country to be with me, and we dated for about a year and a half, and for 90% of the time, it was the happiest I had ever been in my life.

The exceptions were a few times when he got blackout drunk. Anytime that would happen, he would tell me that he didn't love me, didn't want to be with me, wanted to be alone forever, and that he felt like he was two different people: The guy who wanted to be a good boyfriend and husband and dad, and the guy who wanted to be alone forever and drink himself to death. Other red flags: He told me he was afraid of commitment and intimacy and was terrified I would abandon him. He also has no friends (literally none) because he's cut them all out.

In November, we got engaged and planned to get married in April. As the wedding inched closer and we made more plans, he started disengaging. Our sex life (which had dwindled) stopped altogether. He wouldn't sleep in bed with me. He would barely even talk to me. And then he broke off the engagement and broke up with me, and moved into a hotel.

He has a certain amount of self-awareness -- knows he has BPD, knows he has abandonment and intimacy issues, says he wants to see a therapist/psychiatrist and try and change his life. But he's not doing it. He's telling me he needs space but that maybe we can revisit our relationship down the line. He has apologized for hurting me but also does not want me there while he tries to cope.

I know that he is stringing me along and I know that he will just recycle me the way he has in the past. But I love him so much. I want to be there for him and support him -- I am an EXTREMELY empathetic person -- but I also don't want to suffer at his whims. He really is the best friend I've ever had and the deepest love I have ever known, and I don't know how to let go, or even if I SHOULD let go.

This was long, but I just don't know where to go or what to do. Any insights or advice would be extremely appreciated.

[Heldfast]

So sorry you are going through this VCRBEAUTY. My fiancee broke up with me, with almost no warning, four months ago. I have a diagnosis from her psychologist that she is BPD, but she ran before receiving it from her. We were friends for four years, dating for two and a half, living together for two of those, and engaged for two months. She moved across country to live with an ex from 7 years ago. Similarly, she has some degree of self awareness, acknowledging depression, once and only once acknowledging BPD, and acknowledges her abandonment and intimacy issues, even that she has to cut someone out from her life once she makes the decision to do so. She told me she needed space when she ran, I did not give it to her, because I did not know what I was dealing with. However, I do not know if it would have made a difference, as she had immediately moved on to another man.

We unfortunately need to move on and care for ourselves. I am a little bit of a hypocrite on this, as I still reach out to my ex, which is really reaching out into the silence. But I am going out more, doing more for me, reading more, writing more, trying new travel destinations, spending more time with friends, etc. You cannot save him, you can however save you. So don't be mislead by compassion into being a doormat. Have compassion for yourself. Be strong, leave the door open a crack if you must for now (I know I have) and get into your own self awareness. Good luck, stay with us, and write more. We're here for you, and for ourselves as well.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Welcome to the boards!

I am so sorry you have had to deal with all of that. You will find lots of stories of people being dumped out of the blue.

What is it that you are trying to accomplish? Do you want to try to get him back? Do you want to close the door on the relationship and heal? It helps to figure out what YOUR goals are. It is really difficult to figure that out when your head is swimming with confusion. That is where the lessons that you can find on the right side of the forum are really helpful. You can get a better grip on what it means to have BPD and it can help you to take inventory of yourself so that you can make a rational decision for yourself.

 

[EaglesJuju]

Hi vcrbeauty, 

Welcome aboard.

I am sorry that you are going through this.  It must be very painful and difficult coping with the break up.  I understand how it you could feel that you are losing your best friend and the deepest love you have ever known.   

The push/pull behavior that is so common with people with BPD (pwBPD) can be incredibly confusing for us. BPD is partially an attachment disorder.  Many pwBPD have attachment anxiety, which refers to fears of separation and abandonment, and is related to a negative view of self. Concurrently, some pwBPD have attachment avoidance, which refers to discomfort of intimacy and dependency, and is associated with negative representations of others.  Essentially, a pwBPD can fear abandonment, but then can feel engulfed. 

Many times the push/pull occurs when a pwBPD is dysregulating. When a pwBPD is highly emotionally dysregulating, they have high emotional sensitivity and an intense response to emotional stimuli.  Certain things can trigger dysregultaion. To cope with their intense feelings, pwBPD tend to engage in maladaptive coping strategies, such as shutting down, freezing, social isolation, withdraw, avoidance, and impulsive behaviors. 

Learning about BPD truly helps with understanding the dynamics of your relationship. Also, learning about BPD helps make sense out of the confusing behavior. 

Here is an article to help you get started.

Article 3: Borderline Personality Disorder - A Clinical Perspective

My bf has told me that he has needed space and time to sort out his feelings. Similar to your pwBPD, my bf has told me that he does not want to hurt me.  When this has happened, I felt similar to how you feel. I wanted to be there for him, because like you, I am very empathetic.  I began to realize, that the best way to be there for him, was to give him the space he needed.  During these periods of "space," I started focusing on myself.  It was strange to focus on myself for once, since I really did not put my own needs first. I usually tended to place his needs before mine.  My support system of my friends, family, and therapist truly helped me through these periods of "space."

Do you have a support system?

Also, posting here really does help. You will find that there are many people here going through similar situations. It does feel good to know that you are not alone. 

You do not have to make a decision on what you want to do at this moment. Sometimes hard decisions take awhile to make. Take some time to focus on what you want. The lessons on the right of this board really help with decisions.

Looking forward to your response.

[vcrbeauty]

Thanks everyone. I've only been on the boards a day and it's already been so helpful and informative. I really wish that I'd been here back when things were blowing up! All I can do is take the insights and information I have now and use it going forward.

Right now I'm not sure what I'm trying to accomplish. I'm about 50/50 in thinking I want to try and make it work (even though that's honestly not in my hands -- if he wants to be broken up, then we're broken up, right?), and knowing it's probably smarter / healthier for myself to start NC and move on.

He is a really good person, and he has never done anything so outrageous (like physical abuse or name-calling) that I feel I should walk away altogether for my own safety. But I ALSO know that I may just be protracting the relationship, only to still wind up with a lost cause. I believe so strongly that he loves me and that he wants to work on himself, but I wonder if I am just deluding MYSELF.

EaglesJuju -- it is always so helpful to be reminded that I don't have to make a decision RIGHT NOW. Sometimes I feel like I have to impose these rules on myself and stick with them, but I know it's okay to take my time and figure it out. When you have given your bf space, what does that mean to you guys? Do you not stay in contact at all? Do you wait for him to reach out? I have been working really hard on leaving him alone and keeping myself occupied -- I have been going out with friends, and staying in and painting. Doing anything to keep myself busy. So far, it feels more like a distraction tactic than personal growth, but I am hoping it will come.

[EaglesJuju]

When you have given your bf space, what does that mean to you guys?

At first when my bf has asked for space, I took the request pretty badly. I have abandonment issues myself, so it triggered me. I felt unloved, unwanted, and unworthy of him.  I can be very pessimistic when it comes to myself and I viewed it as a catastrophe.

I started to look at it differently, it is something that he needed to do to work on himself.  Also, I got to work on my issues as well.  It was a win-win situation for me.  

Do you not stay in contact at all? Do you wait for him to reach out?

I have maintained contact and went no contact (NC) before. I have reached out and I have waited for him to reach out. It has depended on the circumstances of the situation.

I have been working really hard on leaving him alone and keeping myself occupied -- I have been going out with friends, and staying in and painting. Doing anything to keep myself busy. So far, it feels more like a distraction tactic than personal growth, but I am hoping it will come.

I felt like it doing something to distract me. Then I started thinking about all of the things I was not able to do when I was in contact with my bf. I tended to spend a lot of time focusing on his needs. I totally forgot about my own needs and wants.

Slowly, I started healing and focusing on my needs. I found myself doing things I have not done in a long time. Honestly, it was exciting for me. 

I was able to focus on my own issues and overcome many of them. 

[Silveron]

First off, I am so sorry that this has happened.  You sound like a beautiful person and also has a good head on her shoulders.  You are looking for the why and a logical explanation in regards to all of this, this is something we are all looking for in our SO.

Is he on any antidepressants?  Usually with BPD there is a mix of depressions, anxiety or something else.  My best advice is to let him know that you are there to listen when he wants to talk.  However, you also want to setup boundaries and enforce them as well.  Please realize that once you are married whatever issues you two have will usually get a lot worse.  My wife has BPD and there is never any normalcy.  When he gets into his moods he will say things worse & worse as time goes on.  I know you want to get this demon out of him, however it's something he has to do himself.  You can encourage him to go to counseling (for himself) but don't use it as an ultimatum.  That won't work.

Alcohol is a depressant and also brings down your ability to think straight and also brings down your inhibitions.  He needs to stay away from this.

How was his family life when he was a child?  I bet it was messed up.  Most BPDs come from bad homes.  When he is in a depressed state ask him directly if he is suicidal.  If he is, then get help right away.  BPDs are known for suicide.  There are a number of good books on BPD as well.  However know this... that unless he goes through major therapy, he will never be cured.  You will always have to deal with this.  And from my experience and many others on here we can attest that it only does get worse.  Name calling, belittlement, threats, verbal and then physical abuse.  Their mind is not wired like ours, I look at it as they are stuck emotionally in their teenage years.  You will find yourself not only being his wife, but his mother, his psychologist and half the times his worst enemy.  You will become the emotional punching bag.  He will not fully show sorrow or remorse.  His apologies will be worth nothing in the coming years.

As much greatness that the BPD shows in the beginning of a relationship it's tainted with the awfulness they dish out in the years to come.  The BPD does so much to their SO that eventually the bond breaks between the couple.

I know this sounds harsh but I want to let you know that there is a lot of good in BPDs as well.  They aren't evil monsters, however you have to accept a radical acceptance of the things he will say and do to you if you want to keep your sanity and remain with him.  It's a lot to ask of you but only you can answer that question.  Unfortunately BPDs don't come up to you on your first date with them and tell you about their mental issue, it's something you learn over the years that you invest in them.

I've been married almost 11 years to my BPD wife.  I didn't even know BPD existed until this past year.  For the first 10 years I thought I was going insane and her justifications of what she does to me is normal (in her eyes).  Just be prepared for a lot of crying and hurt if you decide to stay with this guy.  *hugs*

[vcrbeauty]

Silveron -- thank you for your thoughts and insights. I am definitely scared of getting myself into an endless cycle with my BPDex. I know that I can have an easier, healthier life if I let him go and move on, and that is the direction that I am going to try to move in. But in the same way that he can't just get over his BPD, I can't just get over trying to help. I am going to start focusing on that in my own therapy because I know that's the key to breaking the cycle.

Just yesterday, I emailed him after about 2 weeks of NC, because we have to arrange a time for him to move his stuff out this weekend. I followed the BIFF method and he responded really well. Then we had a back and forth and he responded TOO well, and we wound up talking the whole day. Then he called me at midnight and he was completely drunk... .wasn't making a ton of sense... .and I actually thought about your post. I don't WANT to put myself through this, not right now and certainly not for a lifetime.

In a way, it's sort of helpful to be privy to his bad behavior because it reminds me of how hard it is. It's a lot easier to feel tenderness and forgiveness when he's talking earnestly about getting help and finding the right doctor. But so far... .he hasn't.

Anyway, thank you very much, I appreciate everyone chiming in. It's really helpful.

[rotiroti]

So sorry you are going through this VCRBEAUTY. My fiancee broke up with me, with almost no warning, four months ago. I have a diagnosis from her psychologist that she is BPD, but she ran before receiving it from her. We were friends for four years, dating for two and a half, living together for two of those, and engaged for two months. She moved across country to live with an ex from 7 years ago. Similarly, she has some degree of self awareness, acknowledging depression, once and only once acknowledging BPD, and acknowledges her abandonment and intimacy issues, even that she has to cut someone out from her life once she makes the decision to do so. She told me she needed space when she ran, I did not give it to her, because I did not know what I was dealing with. However, I do not know if it would have made a difference, as she had immediately moved on to another man.

We unfortunately need to move on and care for ourselves. I am a little bit of a hypocrite on this, as I still reach out to my ex, which is really reaching out into the silence. But I am going out more, doing more for me, reading more, writing more, trying new travel destinations, spending more time with friends, etc. You cannot save him, you can however save you. So don't be mislead by compassion into being a doormat. Have compassion for yourself. Be strong, leave the door open a crack if you must for now (I know I have) and get into your own self awareness. Good luck, stay with us, and write more. We're here for you, and for ourselves as well.

"You can not save him, you can however save you." Thank you so much for this. I actually broke it off with my pwBPD after she started splitting after the engagement. This has been the most frustrating 7 months of my life (i had moved in with her at her behest last week). The more I read and write here, the more i understand that it can't be helped.

thanks gain

[OnceConfused]

the proof is in the deed not the words.

BPD tends to have nice words and typically mirror you so that you will feel a connection with someone who  knows you well. But then the deed is the opposite.

The lesson I learned from being w BPD is watch what they do, and not much on what they say.