Big problem after break up. Blackmail.

[NycNiceGuy]

So in some of my other threads you can see the problems with my exBPD and all the pain and what nots. I decided to pull the trigger and now I am out or so I thought. I was doing NC and doing very well at it. Only 2 days had gone by before the lovely I want you back message. I told her thanks and I cant talk to you right now I will message you later in the week about grabbing my stuff (in her home... .I know not really NC but its as close as I can get theres a few items I really need.)

So then after that I went about my day I have been hanging out with old friends and keeping myself occupied otherwise. Just as I was about to get to bed last night I heard a few buzzes... .from her. So there it is a scree shot of me posting something on a dating website a week ago. I had made the decision to break up with her a while back. Whenever I brought it up she avoided it. I know it was wrong to go looking but I was trying to just meet different people.

After being together so long and having her destroy each and every one of my friendships with women I was just looking to occupy some time. So she sends the pic and goes "great to see where we were" and I had mentioned to her that if she was mad about it thats fine. I had made my decision and that point and I wanted to continue on my NC path.

Then however the facebook babble starts as she starts posting the picture, how I am a jerk, how she could ruin me and everything. Now I am worried about one thing in particular, we lived a little off beat lifestyle and we had some bedroom fun. There a few pictures of me and her that I do not want shown to the world. So I decided to roll the dice and not mention that thinking if I told her I was scared she would do it to spite me. So it was 12 hours after she wanted me back that she wanted to kill me.

Earlier today we did the exchange of items and we had a short conversation about everything. It felt odd thinking in that eggshell manner yet again when I thought I was getting out... .So we talked she was upset at me but also upset that she couldn't have me. Both at once. Now she is with a replacement( I know two days) and I am worried she will post these pictures on some sort of social media.

So how do I go about this. Hope it doesn't happen? Deal with the consequences? Be nice until she finds someone else completely? I know that she will be bouncing from I want you back to I hate you and I have a plan in mind for that. I had completely forgotten about this blackmail though and I am seeking advice.

[once removed]

hey nycniceguy, id asked you to elaborate about this in another thread but i see you did so here.

i think youre handling this with a relatively clear head. so i suspect i dont need to tell you what spurred any of this on.

"Then however the facebook babble starts as she starts posting the picture, how I am a jerk, how she could ruin me and everything."

its not clear to me if youre saying she did this publicly or privately. i am assuming privately but correct me if im wrong.

for starters i think you have to accept that regardless of what you do, its a possibility she will use this. as an outsider i hardly think it would be the end of the world if she did. i understand youd prefer otherwise. but we live in an age where people use "revenge porn". if its any consolation, if i saw something like this pop up in say, my facebook feed, i would react to the person sharing it, and i suspect thats how most people would react.

you mention theres a replacement. i think theres far less incentive in that case for her to share any of this information publicly. of course that doesnt mean she wont, but i think it increases the likelihood that she wont.  

"So how do I go about this. Hope it doesn't happen? Deal with the consequences? Be nice until she finds someone else completely? I know that she will be bouncing from I want you back to I hate you and I have a plan in mind for that. I had completely forgotten about this blackmail though and I am seeking advice."

its not clear to me if you still have contact. or, more specifically, if you will have future contact; i understand you had contact on the day you wrote this and that its implied you will have future contact, im talking in absolutes. i think others can give more insightful advice on this than i can, but im not sure the "be nice until she finds someone else completely" is a bad approach if youre very worried about the consequences of her going public with this information. theres an article on here about how to break up with someone with BPD, and i think part of that would apply in your situation, and my advice to you based on that, would be to be as absolutely boring and distant as you can be in any subsequent contact.

[once removed]

just wanted to elaborate: when i say there may be people here who can give you better advice on how to proceed, i mean there may be legal advice, i wouldnt know. my father is a family lawyer and i still wouldnt know. if it comes to it, there may be legal advice you can threaten her with if she continues to threaten going public with this stuff.

[HappyNihilist]

NycNiceGuy, I'm sorry you're dealing with this and are worried. 

for starters i think you have to accept that regardless of what you do, its a possibility she will use this. as an outsider i hardly think it would be the end of the world if she did. i understand youd prefer otherwise. but we live in an age where people use "revenge porn". if its any consolation, if i saw something like this pop up in say, my facebook feed, i would react to the person sharing it, and i suspect thats how most people would react.

I agree completely. I think most people would see it for what it is - a reflection on the person posting it.

Couples have sex, couples have kinky sex, couples take pics and videos of themselves having sex... .this is far from new, and people realize and understand this. While it would probably feel embarrassing and horrible if your ex posted "revenge porn," once removed is right - it would not at all be the end of the world.

theres an article on here about how to break up with someone with BPD, and i think part of that would apply in your situation, and my advice to you based on that, would be to be as absolutely boring and distant as you can be in any subsequent contact.

Here's the article that once removed is referring to: Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality

Some excerpts you might find relevant:

"Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The Borderline" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target."

"Keep all contact short and sweet - the shorter the better. As far as "The Borderline" is concerned, you're always on your way somewhere, there's something in the microwave, or your mother is walking up the steps to your home. Wish "The Borderline" well but always with the same tone of voice that you might offer to someone you have just talked to at the grocery store."

[once removed]

that is precisely it. thanks happynihilist