Please help me with girlfriend's BPD

[karlmarx]

I've been with my girlfriend for almost two years now. She has very severe BPD, and this last week has been total hell. It all started last week when I got annoyed with her and deleted a video game file from her computer. I shouldn't have done it, but she was absolutely livid because of the time she put into it and has gone into a downward, self-destructive cycle ever since that I can't seem to stop.

When we first got together, she left me for someone else and her emotion's were really confusing to her and she tried to kill herself. She is often depressed and the worst thing that I absolutely hate about her BPD is her jealousy. You have never met a more jealous girl in your life. She will literally even get jealous if I listen to music with a female vocalist that sounds "sexy" to her.

So she has been having an episode almost every day since the video game incident. She has been starving herself, self-mutilating, sleeping all day, abusing her pills, drinking alcohol (which she doesn't even do) and causing huge fights with me.

Last night it got pretty serious. A couple of friends from work came over for about an hour after work ended and suddenly one of them starts talking about a girl we work with that a lot of guys find pretty. Supposedly, I told my girlfriend that i found her pretty a lonnnnng time ago, before we started dating. My girlfriend immediately FREAKS OUT.

She drags me into the bedroom and starts just freaking out about how this "######6 girl isn't even pretty," using all kinds of racial slurs because she's black (she's not even racist, except when it comes to girls she perceives as a threat) and that I must have been sitting over there agreeing with them, even though all I did was shrug and say nothing. She demands that my friends leave by the time the hour is up or that she is causing a scene. We go back to the living room and after they leave she goes crazy.

I don't even remember exactly what happened. She's in the bathroom, crying hysterically about this girl. You also have to realize that my girlfriend is DROP DEAD GORGEOUS. Literally all men that I know find her beautiful, she's modeled, and she is just beautiful. And here she is crying over this girl on this floor that is nowhere near as pretty as her, especially in my mind, and having some kind of mental breakdown.  She thinks is fat, ugly, disgusting, and obese, but has an eating disorder and is petite.

Things got worse in the conversation when she wouldn't stop harassing me. "You told me she was pretty before, why would that change now? Admit it, you still find her pretty." Finally, I got so fed up and told her that I had been lying to her since we'd been together and that yes, I do find her pretty, but that she's a complete slut and that I'm not attracted to her at all.

Now she goes crazy. I've never really called a girl pretty to my girlfriend before, and so all hell breaks loose. She asks question after question and I start ignoring her, telling her that it's her BPD talking, not her, and answering her questions won't help anything. "But just answer this and it'll make me feel better. You don't find her like SUPER HOT do you?" "Were you secretly agreeing with those guys?" "Would you have agreed with them behind my back?" I mean, the questions kept going and I felt like I was losing my mind.

i started to keep threatening to break-up with her and started telling her how my life would be a dream without her. I would have less emotional and financial stress, more freedom, and more time to work on my passion that she is too jealous to let me work on. These things are cruel to say, I know, but I'm pissed off and I'm feeling on the brink of being done with her.

So she starts apologizing. And each time I forgive her, within 5 minutes she is back to asking questions! They might be sneaky or veiled as something else, but they're still questions. "Why don't we talk about this girl so she isn't such a scary thing to me anymore? Can we just humanize her? Can we look at her pics and talk about her and talk maturely."

She is driving me crazy. I say I'm going to bed and she follows me to bed and keeps interrogating me, even though I told her she could turn on the tv and we could watch a show in peace before sleep. Finally, I just get fed up and start screaming at her at the top of my lungs, grabbing her, and slapped her across the face. I shouldn't have done it, but I don't remember the last time I have ever been so angry with anyone or the last time her BPD was so bad.  I really barely touched her though, and I think it was the grabbing and shaking that hurt her the most.

I told her to shut up and go to sleep and she just quietly starts sobbing. I tell her to shut up. You have to realize, we have been down this route before and I am really sweet 99% of the time. I hold her during one of her episodes and comfort her, but this night has gotten to be too much for me.

Finally after she starts bugging me I freak out and telling her that I'm done and sending her back to her mother asap across the country for treatment. This in turn freaks her out and she begs me to give her another chance; that she'll read her BPD book again that helped her a lot before and that she's sorry and will shut up and go to sleep if I can promise to give her another chance. I finally promise and give her a hug and kiss and I go to sleep.

This makes my girlfriend sound like a terrible person, but she's not. Her BPD is terrible. She is a fun, incredibly intelligent, wonderful girl that I really do love to death.  She means the world to me. I don't really want to leave her, but sometimes I feel like I have no other choice. I'm willing for her to try to get more help and work on things, but this whole night has me completely rattled and I just want other people's opinions on it.  I woke up today wanting to move on and just do my best to help her get better.  I said things I didn't mean last night and we both regret it.  I'm hoping for better days.  Thanks for listening, and wondering if anyone else has been in similar situations with this jealousy thing as well.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Aurylian]

Karlmarx,

Glad you found this board.  Welcome.

Sounds like you guys had a big dance going on.  Have you had a chance to review the Lessons section?  If you want to improve this relationship there are lots of possibilities. 

Certainly your girlfriend has some issues and needs some help.  But, what do you think about these statements:

"I got annoyed with her and deleted a video game file from her computer." (you admitted this was bad)

"I got so fed up and told her that I had been lying to her since we'd been together"

" I start ignoring her, telling her that it's her BPD talking, not her"

"i started to keep threatening to break-up with her and started telling her how my life would be a dream without her."

" I just get fed up and start screaming at her at the top of my lungs, grabbing her, and slapped her across the face."

" I freak out and telling her that I'm done and sending her back to her mother asap"

Do you have any thoughts about these?  Have you seen a therapist about the anger parts?  I can't see how any relationship, BPD or not, could survive this. 

If you are truly interested in staying in this relationship I think you need to get into see someone very soon to deal with the anger.  You are probably lucky that you aren't in jail right now for domestic abuse. 

I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but I would really encourage you to look in the mirror on this one. 

[EaglesJuju]

Hi karlmarx,

Welcome.  

I understand that coping with the behavior of a person with BPD (pwBPD) can be very frustrating. Having a jealous partner can add to the frustration as well.  

One of the underlying factors for jealousy is having poor self-esteem/self-image/self-loathing. PwBPD tend to have poor self-esteem, self-hatred, and an unstable self.  

My bf has displayed his jealous tendencies quite a bit. There have been times that I have mentioned that a certain actor is attractive and he has raged on me for mentioning it. Also, he feels very threatened when someone mentions I am attractive or when he is going through extreme periods of self-loathing.  Before I learned about communication techniques, BPD behaviors, and tools for relationship improvement, I would usually become angry and argue with him. Essentially, I was exacerbating the conflict by adding fuel to the fire. Now with the tools I have learned, I have the knowledge how to diffuse a confrontational/heated situation.

I understand your concern for wanting to help your pwBPD.  The motto on the staying board, is "before you make anything better, you must stop making it worse."  We cannot change or control our pwBPD's behaviors/actions, but we can change our own.  Improving a relationship starts from our end.  

Here is an article that has helped me.  Take a look.

Ending the Cycle of Conflict

Also, learning about BPD truly helps with feelings of frustration and anger. Have you had a chance to read or learn about BPD behaviors?

[lbjnltx]

Hi Karlmarx,

Welcome to the site and the Staying Board.

I'm sorry to read about the situation you and  your gf are in.  This kind of conflict can really push us to our limits and sometimes over our limits.

It is in our own best interest to know how to respond instead of react in these kinds of situations.  Physical violence on anyones' part is unacceptable and can/will lead to bigger problems for you.

That's what we do here, we learn how to respond in ways that are beneficial for ourselves, our loved one who suffers with BPD and our relationships with them.  This learning process takes time and dedication.

While you are learning about the skills and understanding this disorder it would be a good idea to follow Aurylian's lead and seek some help managing your anger.

It is dangerous for both you and your gf to continue on like this without some outside assistance.  As the "non" in your relationship and since you are here it is up to you to take the initiative.  We are here to support you in the work you do.

lbjnltx

[Turkish]

Hi karlmarx,

It's tough to be harangued and followed like that, accused of things that you didn't do, or of thinking things that you didn't think.

As frustrating as it can be to be verbally assaulted, it's often best to just walk away from the conflict, and let the other person do what they are going to do alone. The overt conflict in my r/s wasn't much, but I think that if I weren't a calmer person, I might have ended up in jail at some point. I witnessed two acts of domestic violence by my Ex in my 6 year r/s, and also came home one morning to an empty house, finding pieces of her phone all over the hallway after she was raging at me in absentia 

A cycle of conflict takes two, even if the other partner is the one with the out-of-control emotions (which is a trait for a person with BPD, the inability to regulate their intense emotions). From the article that EaglesJuJu posted:

ANTICIPATE YOUR IMPULSIVENESS

Even if you are highly committed to stop

making things worse in conflict situations,

you will still need to practice a host of skills

before that can happen.

When we are in the middle of enduring a

attack from someone else, our own reaction

feels impulsive, like an unpredictable and

overbearing urge. However, realistically a lot

of these situations are quite predictable.

How many times have you had that fight?

Once you have identified the typical

triggers and also identified more helpful alternatives, you can put them together.

1. Imagine a trigger

2. Imagine remembering your goal (not

to make things worse; that responding

in a negative way just keeps the

negative cycle going)

3. imagine responding in a self-respecting

and respectful way

From your story, the situation sounds like it was out of control. Walking away to keep you both safe is certainly a viable option as well. Practicing learning our triggers and dealing with them takes time and practice. How are you two doing today?

[ColdEthyl]

Hello, Karlmarx and welcome!

Everyone so far as already given you fantastic advice, but I wanted to say I am sorry you and your gf are going through this, and I know first hand how easy it can be to lose our cools when it comes to dealing with pwBPD. I have gone too far twice myself, choking (not serious choking, but still put my hands on him) and once I slapped him.

My H says he deserved it because he knows he says the right things to make people hit him. That's not a good excuse. Both times I did it... .I had been drinking. I do not drink anymore with my H. I'm still ashamed of myself every day.

If you want to stay in this relationship, learning the tools here will help. I am practicing radical acceptance, and that has taken a lot of the frustrations and anger from me. Learning how to talk to pwBPD in an effective matter has also been very productive. The way you are talking to her now, it's born out of frustration, and it only make things worse... and makes her feel worse.

[Notwendy]

"She thinks is fat, ugly, disgusting, and obese, but has an eating disorder and is petite. "


I think the other posters have given you some excellent advice. I wanted to comment on how, it seems irrational to say someone is attractive and have your gorgeous girlfriend get this upset, but for them, this can anhilate their sense of self.

My mother with BPD is all of the above. Stone cold gorgeous, but, she is also extremely insecure about her appearance, worried about her weight and has an eating disorder.

Someone with a healthy sense of self would not feel anhilated by a beautiful woman. Maybe envious, but not feel as if their entire self was destroyed, however, with a poor sense of self, seeing someone else admired could do that. I don't mind if my husband says someone is beautiful, although I might be jealous. If someone really is beautiful, I would notice too. However, my H has gotten quite upset if I mention that I think an actor or rock musician is attractive. Somehow I think they take it to mean that they are not. 

Your gf's reaction seems out of proportion to how you see her, but it isn't if you consider how she sees herself.