Finally putting the peices together ... need advice

[Kasina]

Hello everyone ,

So my BPD bf broke up with me it's been almost two months now.i went NC with him after inconclusive arguments after the b/u,it's been almost a month.

We were engaged after two years of r/s things were good in between us,we got really intimate and were planing to get married this summer( it wasn't a snap. Decision we were talking about it for quite sometime now)so it was quite a shock when he told me about breaking up.

Before the b/u he was severely dysregulated ,he himself told me about it that he is having some issues and needs to be alone so he could sleep over some of things that's causing it.

He didn't wanted to talk so I let him be and got busy in my sisters wedding perps,I didn't neglected him but also didn't hovered him during which time period he started to get clingy and very bitter about me being busy but when I took time off for him he would refuse to meet up without giving me any appropriate reason ... (I thought it was due to the dysregulation. And and abandonment issues).

I tried to be there got him,meanwhile he texted me telling that his ex's mom has texted him telling him that she has got cancers f now he had to take care of his ex because she needed him ...

His ex's mom didn't knew that he was engaged to me,after that he started acting up he said that he is on the verge of nervous break down cause he felt guilt and shame and felt like the biggest evil person alive because he knows how it feels as in what his ex is going through cause my bf's mom had cancer but she recovered and while she was fighting cancer my bf had to be there for him and took care if her,it was like a nightmare for him.

After that he had an panic attack and was very depressed,I tried to sooth and validate him but also said to him that his ex's mom shouldn't have texted him as he is not responsible for her daughter anymore...

After a week or so he was apparently over it and all was well but then he started to pull away at first I thought it was one of his moods thing cause at times he be clingy while I was away at my sisters wedding at other times he would just be bitter .finally the b/u happened.

It was terribly I was miserable ,couldn't think straight  but now as I m gaining my sanity I can see what happened...

I feel that his ex's situation made him fe guilty and sorry for her and on the other hand me being busy and away triggered abondnment fears in him and probably felt rejected ...

Now he is with his ex helping her through her mom's sickness.

He was with her for a short period of six months then he broke up with her.

While we were arguing he kept saying just go away for now,you will be okay and that you have options and that if nothing works out for you I will be there for you.

Now I m lost and confused ... I love this men and he loves me back.

He kept telling me even after the b/u that he loves me but he wants me to get  over him for now... he kept telling me that he knows that he is digging his own grave but this ought to be this way and he can't help it.

What am I suppose to do now?do I let go the person who's my soulmate just because he feels he is obligated to help her ex and be with her for now...

I don't know how to feel or act?should I be wanting him back?

Should I blame him or feel sorry for him?

Should I reach out to him?or let it be ?

If I approach him what should I say?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JeanSchimmel]

As I've gotten older I don't think there is such thing as a soul mate. I don't mean to take that away from you, I mean it in a nice parenting way... .that one day you might discover that there isn't such perfection in life. I rather believe that there are many people in this big world that can for fill your love just as deeply as this man.

I also tend to believe when someone tells you something repeatedly, like "I'm really not a nice person" you should believe them. They may choose their words to place blame on themselves instead of owning up and saying their real thoughts, to try and ease your pain.

What do YOU want? Are you trying to hold on to someone who wants to go? Why? Please believe that there are many, many people in this world who might love you even more than this current love, if you give them the chance.

[Kasina]

Hello  jeanscimmel,

I appeteciate your honesty and sincere advice.

To your question ,why do I want to hold on to someone who wants to go because he will be back again as he usually do and I am just exhausted of starting from the square 1 everytime.

So I just want to let this r/s progress instead if starting from scratch,

Yes there maybe men who will be willing to love me more but I don't connect to people the way I connected with this particular men.

I have worked alot and have have too much in this r/s to let it go all in vain and I certainly don't have it in me to love all over again...

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Kasina,

I am sorry that you are struggling and feeling confused.   

I understand how tough this has been for you. It is tough to feel conflicted.  I understand, it is like your head is telling you one thing and your heart is telling you another. The best way to solve a conundrum is to rely on your instincts. What does your instincts tell you?

You know from his pattern of behavior, it is probable that he will try to reconnect. If/when reconnecting happens, you will want to be mentally strong and establish boundaries.  How have you been doing with healing and working on yourself? 

Instead of looking at it from starting from square one, look at this period of the beginning of improvement.  Sometimes we need to go backwards a few steps to improve things.  We then take those experiences and gain knowledge about how to improve and change ourselves. In advertently, our changes affects our relationships in a positive manner. 

[formflier]

  but I don't connect to people the way I connected with this particular men.

Can you tell us more about this... .

What is the difference in a "connection" and someone "loving you more... ."?

[an0ught]

Hi Kasina,

this is a very difficult situation for you

I don't know how to feel or act?should I be wanting him back?

Nobody, nobody can tell you how you should feel! There is no right way to feel and whatever you feel in detail probably hurting   With 3 years and an engagement it is not easy to let go.

If you want to discuss whether it is wise to break up with him even more (and if how so) or not then the best place would be to post on the undecided board - this is totally legitimate. For this thread here let's assume you want to continue the relationship in whatever shape or form.

Relationships break up all the time and it is not unusual that a relationship breaks up, gets mended and starts working.

He clearly got issues in the attachment area. There are some pwBPD who form only very temporary relationships and then there are other who seem to have a very hard time to let go. Looks like from the story with the Ex and her mother that he is struggling with the let go part. From the engagement and more erratic behavior moving towards marriage he also seems to have a hard time to commit fearing abandonment. Not easy to deal with for you 

He kept telling me even after the b/u that he loves me but he wants me to get  over him for now... he kept telling me that he knows that he is digging his own grave but this ought to be this way and he can't help it.

he kept saying just go away for now,you will be okay and that you have options and that if nothing works out for you I will be there for you.

He is sending mixed messages probably reflecting mixed feelings and inner conflicts.

If I approach him what should I say?

It may be more a question of what not to do and not to say. You are at the moment still very raw from the break-up and may want to take it slow. Also how much do you need to say (sure you want to send lots of messages)? Is it not more a question of listening, validation and getting some deeper understanding?

[Kasina]

Hey Eaglesjuju,

Thank you for the reply,as always your words and advice are of great help.

I know what you mean by believing my instincts,it mind if gives the closure that you need from your partner...

I have followed the advice here given by you and other members 'I am focusing in myself now,I kept trying to understand what does it even means 'to focus on yourself 'but now I get it with time ... which is a great healer.

I m much better now,I am not over him nor my feelings have changed but I have detached myself from the emotional pain and now I m looking at things with knowledge and by a 3rd party perspective ...

I am educating myself about BPD and concentrating on learning tools as much as I can meanwhile giving time to myself to heal .

Hope everything's gets better soon

X

[Kasina]

  but I don't connect to people the way I connected with this particular men.

Can you tell us more about this... .

What is the difference in a "connection" and someone "loving you more... ."?

Thank you form flier for raising this question in my mind.i have been thinking slot about this that what does it means to be connected to him... ?

I thought about the past relationship and I thought maybe its unhealthy the way I feel connected to him,I started about all the things that happened in the r/s which was very hurtful,the way he treated me and left me... so I stopped thinking about the what if's and started to think about myself and how to detach and heal.

Today I was again reading this post and it hit me.the answer.

I wasn't with him because he acted a certain way and then changed,I had known him for more than 10 years and was well aware of his past circumstances and daring history.

I loved him... for being him.every bit of him the dr.jekyll and mr.hyde.

He has been through a lot and was hurt way too much even when he just wished well,despite of his issues he really tried but he just got hurt in return ... it was all way before I entered in r/s with him.

When I entered in the r/s,he was in this phase of life where he had given up on people,where he was at the point when he was totally in to survival mode.

He was betrayed too much to trust or love...

I am not defending him for his actions what he did was still wrong he has to own up to that but it's the only way he knew how... .

Beyond his issues he's this person who's just amazing very caring loving and vulnerable.he rarly shows it because its to him is weekness but I have stayed long enough to know this part if him...

Idk how to describe it,he doesn't let it show but you when get close to him,like really close .

He's amazing ... beautiful inside out.

This doesn't change how he responds or acts towards his insecurities or fears abandonment.

The answer to his every problem is in own dysfunctional way!

His way of coping is before she gets in so much control over me to hurt me (as he loved me) I should leave...

So I know that I have no other option but leave it as it is and move on.

It's not about someone loving me enough but it's about me feeling the way I feel for my ex... I doubt that I ever will...

So any advice which can possibly help me us greatly appreciated

X

[OffRoad]

My H has a terrible problem with saying that he wants to do something without me. He will pick a fight so that he can go and do what it is he wants to do, and since we are "separate" at that time, I have no say in what he does. It took me YEARS to figure that one out. Now when he wants to do something and he picks a fight, I just say "If you want to do X, go do it. Let me know if you need anything."

It kind of sounds like this is what your SO has done. He felt like he needed to take care of ex because he remembers how crappy it was to be in that situation. His BPD may or may not be such that an emotional affair or physical affair might happen. (all pwBPD are different) He is probably aware that could happen, and in his mind, better to be broken up with you in case it does happen.  Sorry to say that, but I've lived that one. In my case, nothing actually did happen, and he came back, but at that time I put down my own boundary that he was welcome to help his friends, either gender, but if he broke up with me beforehand, I was done. I did not want a constant "in, out" relationship. It worked for that type of thing for us.

Has bf contacted you during this time at all?

[Kasina]

Hello offroad,

Thank you for the reply,yes I do feel that too as you say your SO would pick up a fight in order to do his thing my bf probably broke up for the reason ... in his mind he just knew he had to be with her because he knew exactly knew how it was to be in her shoes.

But i don't feel that this was the only reason leading to the b/u he also felt rejected and abandoned( not my fault ).ot doesn't really matter though he just wanted to recycle with her in his mind it was something absolutely necessary .

It's been a month of N/C and he has not contacted me yet,I asked him to block me from all social media like viber and what app but he didn't  even though I told him this consistently that I need him to block me so that I can let him be.

At that moment I was so miserably that I really needed him to cut me off completely which he didn't ...

I heard this a month ago from a friend that he was getting engaged to his ex but so far it hasn't happened so I really didn't know what to expect next to happen.

We broke once before the longest was for a month he contacted me after that but this time it's been a month and there still no sign of him,he even deactivated his FB account.

So right now i m focusing on myself.what do you think since you have been through a similar experience,that will he be back?

Did things work out between you n your SO when he came back ?

[formflier]

It's been a month of N/C and he has not contacted me yet,I asked him to block me from all social media like viber and what app but he didn't  even though I told him this consistently that I need him to block me so that I can let him be.

I'm not familiar with these apps. 

Help me understand the need for his involvement to block him out so you can let him be.

How are you feeling about things now?

 

FF

[Kasina]

It's been a month of N/C and he has not contacted me yet,I asked him to block me from all social media like viber and what app but he didn't  even though I told him this consistently that I need him to block me so that I can let him be.

I'm not familiar with these apps. 

Help me understand the need for his involvement to block him out so you can let him be.

How are you feeling about things now?

 

FF

Hello form flier ,

These are the apps for texting and making calls over phone.it has this option to block unwanted contacts .

Well I asked him to block me because u had thus hope that he didn't wanted me gone and it was one of his things to push me away and maybe he wanted me back to some deeper level.i know it sucks to be me !

And also because It was really grad to fight the temptation to text him and confront him while he was online because he just plan broke up with me without a closure so I just needed to know why and all those feeling made me text him which I right wanted to because the contact meant torture to me at the time.

Right now I m in this phase even I m ok at times and there are times when I miss him teribelly ... .he hasn't contacted me yet so probably this is it... .the end of it as he said to me .

I have to move on no matter how much I want him back



X

[formflier]

I have to move on no matter how much I want him back

 

This may be the case... . or there may be a recycle attempt.  No way to tell.

I'm glad you are on the boards and I hope you will spend time learning more about the disorder, the dysfunctional r/s you were in... .and your part in it.

Let this be a time of learning and healing... .

How does this sound?

FF

[Kasina]

Hey form flier ,

It sounds nice,I am taking this time as a time out from the dysfunctional cycles and trying to heal and learn as much as I can.

Hope it benefits me in the long run.

Thank you for the help and support .

X

[formflier]

 

I think it would be a great time to Look at lesson 2... ."understanding your role in the r/s"

Working through each of those will help you reflect on yourself.

Once you clearly see the role you played in the past... .you can make healthy decisions about the role you want to play in future relationships.

Would be great if you could share you insights here as you read through the lessons.

FF