Nor receiving support from other family members

[goingtostopthis]

                       I just waisted a lot of energy thinking that my brother was supporting me and on my side so to speak just find out that he doesnt think its his responsibility to say anything to my sister for the way she has been treating me. I suppose if she came at me with a knife he wouldnt think it was his responsibility either. On one hand I feel guilty for wanting his help, like I'm just trying to add more problems and get him into the playing sides game. Im not trying to add more problems. I just think its wrong that it's two against one and Ive been telling him how manipulative and mean they have been. I have honestly been reporting this to him and my father, ever since I got here.  I havent wanted to keep any of these incidents with them isolated. Ive needed help!

                        I find it so uncanny that no matter how out ragiously wrong my sister and mom have been to me, neither one of them,(dad or brother) will really respond with too much of anything. They wont get angry. They wont pick up the phone and have talk with them, nothing.  Ive heard that people who stand by like this are just as bad as the abusers. 

                        Its been bad enough that my mom and sister are controlling and use guilt and shame and all these other tactics Ive been discovering. I came across some educational videos on Narcissistic  abuse I wish I hadnt. In particular about Nar. mothers and how they have a golden child that they use. and will divide siblings against each other.  It all fits too well. I have woken up to a whole new level of understanding the dynamics of what these two do.  I'm kind of in shock.  I'm kind of scared. I want to build a faraday cage in my room.

                       I started to explain to my brother everything that they are doing and how serious this is and how I need help from him. It's like he has no principles or morals at all. It didnt matter how much proof I had that what Im talking about is the truth.  It doesnt matter that they have done the same exact thing to him. I should have known better than to expect anything from him. He's wishy washy like my dad. After bleeding my heart out to him, I finally realized that I had waisted so much energy on nothing. He started ignoring me, took his time getting back to me, put off watching a video I showed him,  never commented on its contents to me. It was insulting and hurtful. I ended everything by being respectful to his feelings, ok,  he doesnt think its his responsibility. I can understand him not wanting to get involved,its ok,  Ill be all right. etc. etc.   I meant it,  but Im still hurt.  I can't help it,  I think he's a cowardly worm with no back bone at all with no real love or concern for me. Just looking out for himself.

                       I guess this is just apart of the process I have to go through to get to some recovery from all this. Then I came across some other videos and there was this one where this girl had secretly recorded her Nar. mom talking to her,(it was awful!) and then I found other ones, and it just hit me!  I'm not alone! And through other educational videos about mothers like this, I realized the dynamics are very much the same as children with alcoholic parents. Dry family or non dry,  they were the same.   I need to be around people like me. Who understand this. Ive been isolated,  so I decided Im going to go to an Alanon group meeting , or a ACoA meeting. It fits because my mother is an advid wine drinker and shes really mean when she into this. So I think i found my nich for further help. Thank God...    That's all I can say.         

[Rapt Reader]

   I need to be around people like me. Who understand this. Ive been isolated,  so I decided Im going to go to an Alanon group meeting , or a ACoA meeting. It fits because my mother is an advid wine drinker and shes really mean when she into this. So I think i found my nich for further help. Thank God...    That's all I can say.         

That is a really good idea, goingtostopthis 

You'll have to keep us updated to let us know how it works out, and how much it helped you... .And I'm sure it will!

The family dynamics you are tangled up in is familiar to me; not in my own family but in my Husband's. He has an undiagnosed BPD Mom, and 4 siblings. And in an attempt to keep his Mom's wrath not directed at themselves, all of his siblings will back away from his Mom when she is tangling with another one.

My Husband is less afraid of that now--since I've found this site and communicated with him all that I've learned about BPD and family dynamics--and he will defend and try to help the painted black sibling when his Mom is dysregulating against that sibling. But the others are still afraid of his Mom's wrath being turned on them instead, and will keep out of it.

What you are going through is, sadly, very common with a family dealing with a BPD parent. We do understand just why my Husband's siblings are acting the way they do, and though it can be hurtful and frustrating when we are the ones in his Mom's line of fire, we attribute it to their fears of their Mom and her dysregulations... .

[Kwamina]

Hi again GTST

I agree with Rapt Reader, it's great that you're looking to expand your support network!

I am sorry to hear that you feel disappointed by your brother's reaction to you. How has your relationship with your brother been in the past? How was your relationship with him before you moved here?

                       I just waisted a lot of energy thinking that my brother was supporting me and on my side so to speak just find out that he doesnt think its his responsibility to say anything to my sister for the way she has been treating me... .

... .

                       I started to explain to my brother everything that they are doing and how serious this is and how I need help from him. It's like he has no principles or morals at all. It didnt matter how much proof I had that what Im talking about is the truth.  It doesnt matter that they have done the same exact thing to him.

You say they have done the exact same thing to your brother as they have done to you. Could you elaborate on this, what have they done to your brother exactly? Do you think he still might be affected by what he has been through himself?

There are various possible explanations for why your brother reacts the way he does. Could it perhaps be that your brother's reaction to you is (partly) the result of fear, obligation and guilt? Would you say your brother is afraid of your mother and sister? Perhaps afraid that they might turn on him (again)?

[goingtostopthis]

Hi again GTST

I agree with Rapt Reader, it's great that you're looking to expand your support network!

I am sorry to hear that you feel disappointed by your brother's reaction to you. How has your relationship with your brother been in the past? How was your relationship with him before you moved here?

                      I just waisted a lot of energy thinking that my brother was supporting me and on my side so to speak just find out that he doesnt think its his responsibility to say anything to my sister for the way she has been treating me... .

... .

                      I started to explain to my brother everything that they are doing and how serious this is and how I need help from him. It's like he has no principles or morals at all. It didnt matter how much proof I had that what Im talking about is the truth.  It doesnt matter that they have done the same exact thing to him.

You say they have done the exact same thing to your brother as they have done to you. Could you elaborate on this, what have they done to your brother exactly? Do you think he still might be affected by what he has been through himself?

There are various possible explanations for why your brother reacts the way he does. Could it perhaps be that your brother's reaction to you is (partly) the result of fear, obligation and guilt? Would you say your brother is afraid of your mother and sister? Perhaps afraid that they might turn on him (again)?

 Yes, that is a big possibility. I have not meant to appear insensitive towards him. I think I have a little because I have been feeling so desperate and alone in all this. In the beginning he totally supported me, he told me out right that he thought they were trying to use me and that I shouldnt feel obligated in the caring of my Aunt at all, also that I should be allowed to live my own life. I basically agree, but not quite that harshly. I want to help them out and I do on my own accord.  

        They have ganged on my brother and been verbally abusive to him too. He freaked out on them one Christmas and almost appeared to go psychotic with rage.  They used this against him of course and did everything they could to make him feel that he was crazy and nothing was wrong with them. He refuses to allow his grand kids to see them now.    

       But then there were other times talking with him , it has seemed as if he was actually turning on me and supporting my sister's point of view. Telling me I need to accept it and allow myself to feel sad. Ive cried enough. I'm tired of crying.  Quite frankly, I think he just wanted to get rid of me because he really doesnt want to deal with this.   So to answer your question.  Yes,  fear, obligation and the guilt trips they bestow, accompanied by personal attacks etc. etc. I realize Ive taken his reluctance personally, but now being able to write about this Ive been able to soften up a bit and be more understanding towards his position.  I'm letting it go.  He doesnt want to get in the middle of it.

                      Its taken me a long time to finally get this, but I cant depend on my father either to help me through this.  Ive been reporting to him all along what's been happening here, the progress and the non progress. I have asked him to have a talk with my sister because she's been so "mean" to me and she's been even worse at out family meetings about this deed thing. There's no reason for it. She has problems and maybe if he had a father daughter talk with her, it would help.

                             Instead what happened, is that she called him to complain about me. And just like magic, poof!   Im the bad person and she's the can do no wrong again. She told him I wasnt helping out with my Aunt when I was just over there the day before and the night before that helping my mom. My dad sends me a text out of no where and says:

Immediate attention/Please go over and talk to your mom about helping (my Aunt) tomorrow, You must help with no anger but help. Please do this right now. //and hour later//  :)id you get my urgent message?

                I told him I didnt understand what he was talking about since I was just over there, and that I had my phone with me all day, Why didnt my mother call me about this instead?  He ignored this and went on to say:

Please go over there and plan on spending a half a day helping your mom sit with my (Aunt,her name) while my sister is at the doctors. Please do this with out anger but to help.  

Im thinking, anger?  what is he talking about?  Its only been a week since that last meeting were the two of them  ganged up on me and my sister finally told me "no"  she doesnt want me on the deed. So this means I cant stay here and I have problems now to deal with, no job,  for starters,  and Im suppose to be happy? The truth of the matter is that being over there with them, I have not been acting angry,  just quiet and a little depressed, but nice to them and still helping.  I told my dad this and he ignored it. I couldnt believe it.  I got triggered and told him not to tell me what to feel. I asked him is there an emergency over there?   no answer.  It was too late a night to call my mom when I got this text. I kept on asking him why didnt they call me,  I would have gone straight over there.  He ignored me. Am I being abused? because it sure feels like it.

                             I went over to my mom's the next morning and was all worried, and she said nothing's wrong.  Every thing all right. I asked her, why didnt you call me? She wouldnt answer me! it turned out my Aunt had another stroke and is now bed bound. I asked her who called my dad and why?  She lied out right. No one did.

I know it was my sister. I feel so set up. Who knows what she told him, but he obviously bought it.  I know it was something to the effect that I wasnt helping out and that I was coming over there being difficult because I was angry.  Its an out right lie.  My dad then sent me a punishing e-mail telling me that he has decided to cancel this American Express card that I have kept "only" for emergencies and used when he has asked me to for special things like Birthdays.  I have had it for 20 years or so, maybe longer, he has also indicated that he is removing himself or love for me at a distance sort of thing.  I dont know what the hell he said, something to the effect that I am now abandoned, more or less.   The pain from this , I cant describe it .  All because my mother couldnt give me a simple phone call and tell me she needed help.  yes, I did do something constructive about this.  This isnt going to happen again.   God is watching.  My sister got bit by a mole that wouldnt let go of her finger. I wonder why?    I hope a bee aims for her ass.          

[Proboscidea]

Yours is the story of my life. Golden child was nice to me once. I asked him several times to please help me. If he had told my mom to be nicer to me, that he loved me and didn't deserve her treatment it would stop. In those days we did love each other. If she had done that to him the hitting the ridiculing calling him names I would have tried to stop her. Younger one was too little to know better. They are old enough now and turned on me. A mother's love is powerful enough for a selfish or scared sibling to side with the mom. Done with them all.

[Edgewood]

Hi GTS,

I'm curious about something.  When your dad called you last week, what is it that made you immediately follow his orders?

Do you think it's appropriate for him to tell a grown woman what to do (and how to do it)? 

[goingtostopthis]

Hi GTS,

I'm curious about something.  When your dad called you last week, what is it that made you immediately follow his orders?

Do you think it's appropriate for him to tell a grown woman what to do (and how to do it)? 

No Edgewood,   I dont and I didnt.   I was angry about three things.  Why didnt my mother call me. She is right next door!  I was just over there helping the day before and my father was insinuating that I had hardly been over there at all.  And the third thing about me going over there with out anger. Implying what? that I had been over there being totaly unreasonable and yelling at them. None of this was true. And my father made me feel totally helpless to having what really was happening heard. He wouldnt validate a thing I said.

                     I told him no, I wouldnt go over there, this on his text because I was so angry that he was telling me what to feel and making assunptions about a reality here that wasnt even true.

                                           Of course the next morning I went over there to see what was going on and to check on my Aunt because "I" wanted to.  This family is so screwed up. No body apologizes to anyone when they are wrong. Ive been telling my father all along how abusive my sister has been and how she exggerates things. I dont know if I said this,  but she was the one who called him.  It was like everything I had been telling him before, never happened.   So I am no longer talking to him anymore.  And if my sister wants to be a child and call him up to make up some kind tatleing story on me again, she can go ahead, because I will no longer answer his text messages or calls. I think Ive read and heard enough.  As far as Im concerned, by them not calling me up directly about needing help with my Aunt was a set up for this so Id have to edure this usless stupid hulmilation from my father. This is how it felt.

                My Aunt has finally passed away. And Im wondering, is there going to be something else they can guilt trip me on now in her place? My brother is here and it's interesting.  It seems my sister charming over him to keep his attention on her and my mom. There has been any space yet for us to really talk at all. He's being very nice and very thoughtful towards me just the same and that means a lot. I got dissappointed today, because he said he was going to come over here and see my horses. It didnt happen. Hes been too busy helping my mother out with her lawn mower and grill.  Its interesting sometimes when youre angry about something how easy it can be to exagerate your self about what the true reality is. This I know happened with my sister,  and for me right now Im tempted to say ,my brother hasnt come over here because they wont let him. They have to have ALL the 24/7 attention on themselves at all times while I fade away into nothingness. 

                                    But you know,  I need to put things in perspective.  My Aunt just died, they are getting ready for the funeral. They all ready have everything done exept 1 or 2 things. I helped with this two. Now its like they are over at the house partying up.  I kid you not. They both hated my Aunt and hated her more for getting sick on them. This went on for two years. The morning after, my mother didnt even cry. I tried to hung her and she kind of pulled away to do the dishes or something? This could be how she copes.  It just seems to me that they just want all this attention on over HOW HARD... .everything was for them. And dont get me wrong, I   

know it was. Its just that it appears that my sister kind of parades a kind of air of entitlement and arrogance above everyone else because she had to go through this.  She does to me, its obvious.

                          My father is coming for the funeral on Monday. I dont know what Im going to do because I have nothing to say to him. He betrayed me , plain and simple. He thinks that because my sister has had such a HARD... .time that I SHOULD bow to her every whim.   The only real hard time hes heard about from her has been on the phone.  Ive been here for 6 months and the only person taking care of my Aunt 75  to 85 % of the time has been my mother.  Ive witnessed it first hand. My sister basically just bosses my mom around and tells her shes doing it wrong and my mom's a nurse.  My sister can just go project her aes to the next county because Ive had it with her.          I was told that this place belonged to me too. She broke her word, as a minister. Oh yes... .   She has intimidated me from telling her how I really feel. I dont need family support to speak the truth.  So I'll just leave this at that for now.

[Edgewood]

I'm sorry for the loss of your aunt, GTS. 

I'm sure you're absolutely correct to expect everyone to act out.  Death makes everyone crazier. 

I hope this change allows you to close this chapter in your life.  It has been hard on you.

[Kwamina]

Hi GTST,

You were dealing with a lot of intense emotions the other day. I am very sorry to hear that your aunt has passed away and want to offer you my condolences.

The funeral was Monday. How are you feeling now?

[goingtostopthis]

Hi GTST,

You were dealing with a lot of intense emotions the other day. I am very sorry to hear that your aunt has passed away and want to offer you my condolences.

The funeral was Monday. How are you feeling now?

Thank you for asking.   Three days before the funeral my brother came to visit with his daughter. I wasnt expecting anything from him in terms of getting involved with my problems here with mom and sister. I really wasnt, but to my surprised he was very supportive and could completely understand my side in this. I couldnt believe he actually had some pretty impactful things to say to them. Which has everything to do with the truth. He didnt fight with them, just very skillful forms of confrontation as to why they were treating me the way they were.

                   I kind of saw him as doing what I call throwing a rench in the spooks of very bad dysfunction behavior.  My father came as well for the funeral and my brother told him out right that my sister is VERY controling and mean to me.   This kind of validation with witnesses is what I have needed for so long. I didnt have to tell my brother what was going on anymore. He sat at the kitchen table and saw it for himself in real time. I have never felt so vindicated. It was like the ground started to rise under my feet.

                         I dont know if this is going to change the behavior of mom and sister, Im grouping them together because I find it hard to believe that they arent influencing each other. If my mother felt it was wrong of my sister to not include me on the deed, why wouldnt she tell her so? I think my mother is intimidated by her and doesnt want to risk severing their relationship. Which is cowardly of her when it comes to right and wrong. You dont tell somebody they are going to be sharing rights to the ownership of a property, then watch this person give up  their house and job and move across country,having  nothing now,  just to tell them, oh sorry your sister owns the whole place and she isnt going to share.  Sorry we forgot to tell you this. That basically sums it up.

                        I went to the funeral and it was nice. This whole ordeal with my Aunt is over with now. I said good bye and held back tears as the pal bearers one by one left a white carnation on her casket. I walked away from the group to smoke a cigarette and sat on a brick fence.  I could hear my sister laughing in conversation with someone.  That bothered me. Im sure that's just her way of coping but it still bothered me. I didnt see anything funny at all. There she was my Aunt being lowered into the ground at same time I heard her laugh.  She couldnt stand the women and talked nasty behind her back since she started in the church with her. When it was my sister turn to talk about her, my sister a so called minister herself, ya laughing!  Her subject was on her endurance as a minister and I couldnt help but wonder, whose endurance was she really talking about?   maybe her own in having to deal with her illness for the last two years? She said nothing about what she had given her in the area of maybe becoming a better automotive for God and this women did have a lot to offer in this department. (sorry, had to throw a bit of humor in there)   I could have said better car for God.

                          All I can say is that I had a great time with brother. He really did stand up for me and this means so much to me, whether anything changes or not.  My father is still here spending time with my sister and mom.  I needed a day to get away from all of this. I was there last night and out of no where my sister started acting really really nice to me. Too nice, head twisting off nice! It didnt occur to me that she might be doing this because my dad was there. Im trying to be realistic, how could she change like that ,like over night? All I know is that it made me feel really uncomfortable. I wanted to believe maybe she's had a change of heart? It was too much just the same. I left early and decided to stay home today and have a break from all this family "stuff"________ or fill in the blank. They can have each other today with out me. Let them say what they say, fabricate what they must to my dad, what ever.   I dont care anymore. Maybe he'll see through them too. Im not going to count on that.  Ill see my dad again in the morning for breakfast.

                          I do hope that now that my Aunt has passed my mom and sister can get back to having a normal life again. They will,  how much of a change in them this will bring? I dont know, Im sure  some. Im think things are bound to get better,  but better enough to include me on the deed?  Im not going to count on this either,  if Im lucky... . I'll get some peace for a change.       Thanks for listening.