New here and finding my way

[lawman79]

So I have been reading this board for a few weeks, and I think it would be helpful for me and maybe others to finally step forward and share what I am going through.  A little bit of a long read, so please bear with me.

So I am 35, and a lawyer that works in law enforcment.  I am almost 3 months out of a relationship with a 33 year old woman who I strongly suspect has BPD, or at least something related.  But at a minimum she was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive.  I have been NC since early January, with the exception of one brief email I sent her her in the middle of February.  I have not heard from her since early January.  This relationship has left me incredibly twisted up and some what depressed.  She is also in my thoughts almost constantly, which is upsetting. 

So I met her in November of 2013 on Match.com and we very quickly fell into a serious relationship.  She taught special needs kids how to ice skate and had an adorable elderly dog and I am almost immediately fell in love.  The relationship became intense very quickly and after a couple of weeks I was spending the night at her house 8 and 9 days in a row at a time at her request. 

About a month into the relationship the red flags started to pop up

-She humilated me in front of her friends by ignoring me and hitting on others guys in fromt me when she was annoyed with me.

-The first time I met her close friends, they pulled me aside and they warned me that she required a lot of patiences and didn't do well with relationships.

-She had never had a relationship that lasted more than a year.

-She said her last two boyfriends were physically abusive and the police had to get involved.

-She had a sleep disorder and couldn't sleep without taking Ambien, she would routinely take more than the recommended dosage and combine it with wine and become incoherent.

-She would send me angry txts for no reason after 10pm at night and would blame it on the ambien.


By late January of 2014 things started to get worse.

-She became incredibly jealous and would send me nasty txts any night I went out wih my buddies for a beer.

-She found out I once went on a  single date with a coworker that she was not friendly with 4 years earlier and erupted on me in a jealous rage in front of my friends.

-She began taking intimate detalis that I shared with her and turning them into nasty verbal attacks when she got mad. 

  I broke up with her in February of 2014, because I felt she was crazy and extremely immature (the first of many break ups).  Probably because I was lonely, two weeks later I contacted her and begged her take back.  She made me concede that all the problems with my fault. 

  From March through August things began to get really crazy and scary

-When she didn't feel like she was getting enough attention from she would send me angry txts full of the most personal and vile name calling

-She threatened to call the police and make up of a story to have me arrested at least 6 times, she even did this in front of my friends

-If I wouldn't come over when she asked, she would make up lies to manipulate me into coming.  These included a fake pregnancy, cutting her self, threats of suicide, overdosing on ambien.  She would also do these things if I left her place after a fight and wouldn't come back.

-When confronted with her specific bad behavior she would either lie and said she didn't do it (gaslighting) or tell me it was my fault for making her mad. She would never take any responsibility.

-She would do things to try to get me to put my hands on her such as refusing to allow me to leave or grabbing my dog and not letting her go.

-She would assign me errands to run for her and tasks to do around her house.  If I didn't do them or told her I didn't have time that day to do them she would erupt into an angry tirade and tell me how worthless I was and that I wasn't a man.

-I would catch her in more and more lies about things big and small.

-she began violently breaking and throwing things when she got mad.

  After many of these incidents, I would break up with her for a day or two.  She would beg me to come back and I would also relent. In August she took her verball abusive to a new level when I wouldn't give her presecription pain meds that I had been prescribed because she said her back was hurting.  We didn't talk for a month after that incident.  She later informed me that she blocked my email and phone number immediately after the incident (not that I tried to contact her).  She was able to wriggle her way back by telling me how much she missed my dog and wanted to see us both (she helped pick out the puppy).  She told me she didn't reach out because she was so ashamed by what she did.

  Starting in the Fall and going through New Years, we entered into a cycle where every two or three weeks, there would be a huge blow up and she would fly into a rage over nothing and become verbally abusive via txt and email.  We would break up and then several days / weeks later we would get back together. On several occasions she would sleep withother guys during these brief breaks and often call me the next day to reconcile.  One important thing that changed during this time, something clicked in my head and I began to respond to her verbal abuse with almost equally nasty verbal attacks.  Something I am not proud of, but I guess I was tired of being a dormat and decided she needed a taste of her own medice.  She also began lying to her friends and family that I had become physically abusive and that I was acting crazy. 

   Things finally came to a head in December.  She was scheduled to have minor outpatient knee surgery and she was very nervous about it.  Her abuse and threats began to escalate.  She threatened to break into my house, kidnap my dog and then poison her.  She told me I didn't know what crazy was but I was going to find out.  In early January, I had spent three days at house helping her with post surger stuff (shopping, cooking, errands etc).  She didn't like the brand of paper towel and surgical tape that I bought her and she flew into a rage and began screaming (I kid you not).  I told her I was done and going home.  She grabbed my dog by the collar and told me I couldn't leave with her.  I had to snatch the dog back from her and made a run for my car with my dog under my arm. She followed me outside and threw all of the tings that I bought her at my car including several light bulbs.  I sped off. 

  About half an hour later she begged me to come back and help her with stuff around the house. I told her that her behavior was out of control and I would not come back.  She proceed to txt me the most vile personal insults about me and my family that I have ever heard.  In a weak moment I returned the favor with pretty nasty insults of my own.  The next day she sent me a single txt saying she couldn't be around someone who was abusive, I txted back OK.  We haven't talked since.  I did send her an email in mid February briefingly stating that things ended in a pretty horrible way (didn't assign blame) but that I hope her knee heald up and that I wish her the best.  She didn't respond. 

  For the first month I was so glad to be rid of her and couldn't believe I allowed someone to do all of those horrible things to me.  But then in February I started to miss her and feel guilty about what had happened. I started to struggle with all the horrible things that happened and I couldn't make sense of why they happened or why she behaved the way she did... .this was someone who would txt me 10 times a day about how much she loved and missed me. 

  Starting in late February I started seeing a therapist to discuss these issues of why I stayed and why I was attracted to her to begin with.  A lot has to do with the fact that mom treats my dad in a similairly abusive fashion, and she has done so my whole life and my dad just takes it. 

  So what I have learned and where I am:

-In the end I really didn't know a lot about this woman given all the lies,  I will never know that truth about many things and I will have to accept that.

-Despite what's happaned, I still love her and part of me wants to be with her.  But I know that will only prolong the pain and that in two or three weeks she would just erupt again over something minor.

-She is in denial that she has a problem, and she will never change or get better as long as that is the case.

-My behavior was not great at the end, but I am only human.  At least I recognize that my behavior was unacceptable, even as a response to her abusive. 

-This has been the toughest breakup of my life, but I know in time I will heal.

-I believe that I have the strength to not contact her going forward, and I am hopeful that I will be strong enough to ignore her contact if she does contact me.

-This was an unhealthy relationship, and it was never going to get any better. I am lucky that I escape d before any real harm was done or  I ended up married or with kids.

-It doesn't matter if she has BPD or not, her behavior was terrible and I should have left much sooner.

-What happens to her going forward does not matter to me or effect me. 

Thank you for reading

[talithacumi]

Welcome, lawman79! Your story - your hurt, confusion, frustration, anger, and grief - resonate deeply with me, as I'm sure you'll find they do for pretty much everyone on these boards.

Read all you can about the disorder. Whether your ex is really BPD or not, it's a good place to start trying to make some kind of sense out of what you've been through, experienced, felt, and have been left to feel. I think the very worst - most emasculating effect of having/ending a relationship with a pwBPD are all the questions you didn't ever think you'd find yourself having to ask about what the heck was really going on, let alone be denied any kind of rational or satisfying answer to by someone you loved/trusted/cared about so much.

Lurk on the boards for a while. Read about what others have, and are still going through. Read about their struggle to come to grips with the reality of their situations. Read about the insights they've gained. And, when you're ready to share, do that, too.

This board - all the information, understanding, comfort, support, guidance, and gently proddings I got to dig deeper - kept me from collapsing in on myself/giving up altogether. It gave me a sense of community and belonging when I really felt no one understood, or cared all that much about any of the truly weird stuff I was going through in the wake of own dumping by a pwBPD.

You're not alone.

Welcome.

[Luckyfella]

Crazy! Your story sounds just like my Ex uBPD fiancée. I knew the relationship was toxic, I knew I had to leave her but I stayed with her for 2 years due to my codependency. I felt guilty leaving her and missed the honeymoon period. My ex abuse gets worst by the day until it got physical. She wanted me to hurt her so that she becomes the victim. I agree you're not alone. Remain NC because she is bad news!

[lawman79]

I am thankful my relationship only lasted a year... .to be honest I never got close to proposing to this girl... .thank god.

All my friends quickly figured out she was nuts and told me to leave her immediately.  I knew they were right, I never was in denial.  But for someone reason I didn't  I feel so guilty and ashamed that I allowed her to do these things.  One of things that I did recently was come clean with my closest friends and family about exactly how awful she was and the things that she put me through.  I felt I had been lying to them and covering things up .

A lot of people on this board had their partner just up and leave with no explaination, obviously that is not the case with me.  It does strike me as odd and unsettling that she just left with the one line txt and it's like a switch in her head got flipped and she disappeared.  I am slowly but surely realizing that she may have done me a huge favor.

I know she probably rebounded immediately... .gotta pitty that guy.  I really hope that I have heard the last of her despite the fact that part of me still wants her back. 

 

[DreamGirl]

Hi lawman79,



It does sound like you are dealing with someone who struggles a lot when it comes to her emotions. It helps when you are able to see into the "crazy" behavior as part of a set of really poor coping skills. The fear of abandonment (core wound of a pwBPD) and poor emotional regulation has a lot to do with all the lashing out.

I really hope that I have heard the last of her despite the fact that part of me still wants her back.  

I think this is sometimes the hardest part --- knowing what's best but wanting it to be different.

You loved her. That's OK. Letting go is hard. I know. This last breakup, was it different just in that she's not responding? Or is there more to it?

You said that you're starting to see to the "why" you picked her as a partner. It's based off the model that your parents displayed -- so it makes sense to you.

Have all of your relationships been similar? Or just this one?


~DG

[lawman79]

I agree with you thas she has emotional problems.  To get that nasty and angry over paper towel is far from normal, and to so saying such vile things to someone you love.  It may not be BPD but I am sure she needs to be in therapy for a long while.

The last breakup with different in a number of ways.  Her behavior was far and away the worse it's ever been and my response to her behavior was the nastiest it has ever been.  I said some pretty terrible things to her, hitting her on everything level imaginable.  I guess she could dish it out but couldn't take it. Every time we broke up, she would always almost immediately say she had moved on, which I thought was incredibly unrealstic.

  Also I guess she ended it this time, most times it was me that ended it.  This is also the longest we have ever gone without talking (almost 3 months).  The previous longest was a month. 

  I did only email her once this time, and it was more for me than it was for her.  I don't regret sending it.  In previous breakups sometime I would have to contact her a couple times or ask for specific things like hey can we please talk to get her to respond.  I promised myself I wouldn't do that this time, because she is terrible for me and I don't want to be sucked back in.  Trying to have my head triumph over my heart. I know I can't go back with her because there are real and serious consequences ( I am not even talking about emotional ones).  She could make good on some her threats.  I work in law enforcement, so I know anyone who keeps making threats will ultimately make good.  My career, house, and freedom could all be put at risk... .not to mention my poor pup.  After the first few times she made threats I told her that I couldn't be with her because I wasn't willing to put all those things at risk to be with her.  She reponded if I loved her I would be willing to do that... .which I thought was sick.  The only thing that we should risk in a relationship is a broken heart.

My mom is brutally verbally abusive to me dad, and to my sister as well.  She used to be so to me as well.  One day I said enough was enough and didn't talk to her for 3 years because of her behavior.  She stopped being abusive because she fears that I will leave again if she starts up again.

 

Post college, I had two 3 year long relationships, and neither was like this.  They were realtively healthy, but just didn't work out. 

All my friends say she will be back because crazy is never done (I know that advice is useful and brilliant), but so far almost 3 months and radio silent. 

[DreamGirl]

How are you doing today, lawman?

[lawman79]

Hi DG

Thak you for asking about me.  I am actually struggling quite a bit today.  I would have thought at 3 months out that I would be feeling a lot better about all this.  I knew this week would be difficult... .it's the one year anniversary of us adopting my dog together and Easter is the one year anniversary of me going home with her for the first time and meeting her family.  Two very postive memories.  I just hope after this weekend these feelings will pass.

[DreamGirl]

Hi DG

Thak you for asking about me.  I am actually struggling quite a bit today.  I would have thought at 3 months out that I would be feeling a lot better about all this.  I knew this week would be difficult... .it's the one year anniversary of us adopting my dog together and Easter is the one year anniversary of me going home with her for the first time and meeting her family.  Two very postive memories.  I just hope after this weekend these feelings will pass.

  

I think in these first stages after a breakup it's good to just feel the emotions without judgment. Just sit with them, don't avoid them or wish them away. Just embrace them for what they are -- feelings.  

There's a lot of hard emotions that are involved in losing someone we love. It's a grief process that we trudge our way through.

It's OK to be hurt.

It's OK to feel loss.

It's OK to feel anxious.

It's OK to miss the connection.

Sometimes we can hold onto old habits that bring us comfort. We can also create new ones as we become acclimated to not having that person around anymore.

Do you have plans for Easter this year?  

[lawman79]

  This break up is just so completely different than my previous ones from other relationships. I feel so tangled and confused.  It's so up and down.  This girl was such a living nightmare... .lying,cheating, absuse, manipulation, threats etc.  I feel like I am standing in the ruins of a city that was nuked.

   I don't have any plans for Easter, which is ok.  Easter is not really something that was a big deal for my family... .so that's not abnormal for me. 

   I have been trying really hard to not let this get me down too much.  I have been going out quite a bit socially and even have been on a few dates with other girls.