Made a Mistake: Broken N/C and Recycled

[tholian]

I’ve been contemplating if I want to post here or not as I feel like a fool for getting dragged into this and embarrassed that I let her do this to me again. My close friend who knows my full story asked me the moment she heard that I broke N/C, “Don’t tell me you gonna make this work with this girl? I’m telling you don’t.” Oh why, oh why didn’t I listen to her? The lure of getting back making things work is too damn strong.

Broke N/C and started to text with her. It began as a simple hello and escalated to her updating every single thing that she is doing throughout the day. The texting continued for a month before we actually met face to face. She was upfront with me that her ex is still asking her to get back together but she is clear of her decision and she only want to make things work with me. She even showed me the text she sent him explaining it’s over and showed me she blocked him on WhatsApp and his SMS to her asking why she blocked him. So, things seemed promising and I get sucked further into it.

Told her, this time we take things slow and build back the trust and work on not repeating the same mistakes. She was all in. This time, when we went out, she was willing to split the bills or treat me (our last relationship, I had to fork out all the payments). She seemed more composed, sure of herself and had some upsetting days. I stood by her and encouraged and cheered her up. Things were good and we even managed to make a road trip to a beach (3 ½ hours’ drive). When we are nearing the destination I could see she got excited like a kid and keep saying “I can’t believe we are here… I’m so happy”. This made me think of their child like expression but I pushed it aside.

I also mentioned to her that I’m interested to get a dog and we went to a few shops looking for it. Along the way, she also got interested in getting a dog and came to know that a friend is giving away a poodle. She wanted it for herself, but her apartment had no pet policy. So I told her, I’ll take him since I also wanted a dog, this way we can be responsible together and test the water for future commitment. She was so excited and we spend quite some time taking the dog for walks and playtime. She even got jealous when she found out that I let the poodle sleep on my bed. She says it’s her place, Mommy and Daddy place and the dog should not sleep with me but somehow I managed to convince her that it should not be a problem. (red flag maybe?). Things were going so well, she kept saying I love you and will do anything to keep you happy.

Then out of the blue, she started to make less time for me and will get upset if I ask her out for movie or dinner. Will only see me at her convenience. At the same time she keep saying that we are not being who we are and trying to be someone else so that we can keep the other party happy. I tried to talk to her about this and she started to cry. She also said she feel low of herself and stupid when she is with me. I asked her why as I never put her down and have always encouraged her. She could not answer that. She even suggested for me to find someone who is better and much more educated and knowledgeable than her. From this point onwards, it went spiraling downwards and seems like whatever I say or do will be wrong. Finally, she said we should break up. I asked her, what happened to your promises and you mentioning we are family when we got the dog and making it work? Aren’t you walking away from what you promised? For that she mentioned she have so many things to say but she just can’t say it out.

She walking out on our committed responsibility and her totally ignoring the dog (when she was at one point so in love with it and even cried when she thought she will not be able to adopt him) made me realize she could have done that to me if we were to settle down and have our own family. So, actually I’m feeling better that this ended but hating myself for letting myself to be dragged into this recycle. One silver lining, I have an amazing dog that can show me unconditional love and loyalty.

Sorry for the long post / ramblings.

[Beach_Babe]

Oh that sucks. I know the feeling well. But it's not your fault, recycles with these people AL WAYS end badly. Does not matter what you did or did not do, in the end the result is always discard. I know that doesn't make things hurt any less though.When did you finally discern it was over?

[tholian]

I knew the end is coming when she started with the distancing and saying we are not being our self. Cut all ties with her about 2 weeks ago.

But to be honest, i'm not down or in the slumps. Just upset that i let this happen.

[jhkbuzz]

Then out of the blue, she started to make less time for me and will get upset if I ask her out for movie or dinner. Will only see me at her convenience. At the same time she keep saying that we are not being who we are and trying to be someone else so that we can keep the other party happy. I tried to talk to her about this and she started to cry. She also said she feel low of herself and stupid when she is with me. I asked her why as I never put her down and have always encouraged her. She could not answer that. She even suggested for me to find someone who is better and much more educated and knowledgeable than her. From this point onwards, it went spiraling downwards and seems like whatever I say or do will be wrong. Finally, she said we should break up. I asked her, what happened to your promises and you mentioning we are family when we got the dog and making it work? Aren’t you walking away from what you promised? For that she mentioned she have so many things to say but she just can’t say it out.

I'm so sorry - it's so hard to have hope and then watch the r/s fall to pieces.

The real problem is that her self loathing is so intense that there was nothing you could have said or done to combat it. This is not uncommon with pwBPD, and there are many of us who were 'sucked in' to trying to fill this black hole in our ex's.  There isn't enough love, support and kindness in the world to combat their self-loathing.

I hope this ^ helps you understand that you really couldn't have done anything differently - it was all in the cards from the get-go.

[Noah]

We have all been there.  We all want to believe it can work out.  But ask yourself, what changed?

I believe the only way it has a chance of working out is if both parties agree to therapy.  As a nonBPD, we need to work on boundaries and our codependent tendencies.  It also helps to learn skills to effectively communicate with BPDs.

It takes 2 healthy people to have a healthy relationship.

[4Years5Months]

Sounds like most of my recycles with my ex.  I had SIX of them.  They usually lasted longer than your most recent one did, about 6 months.  However, the last one lasted three months - we took a trip to New York where she had the same childlike "I'm so happy!" moment your ex had, and two weeks later she told me she was trying not to talk to me as much so she could slowly forget about me.  A month later, she was sleeping with the security guard at her work who she previously vigorously devalued (but since she felt engulfed/abandoned by me he suddenly wasn't so bad) and was posting photos on Facebook left and right.

She said a lot of the same things you heard - that she wasn't the person I deserved, that I should forget about her and find someone else, etc.  She always broke up with me with immense sadness, and left the door open to be "friends" at a later point.  So when she would start to recycle, it was like coming up for air after being held underwater for weeks.  She would always (even during breakups and push aways) tell me I was the one person on earth she felt comfortable around.  It made me feel wanted, and that's why I kept going back.

It's amazing how many personal accounts I read on here that almost mirror mine.

Be thankful it didn't go any further than it did.  And never contact her again.  Everything out of her mouth is what she wants at THAT EXACT MOMENT.  And like a 5-year-old, she will want a shiny new toy very quickly.

[mrwigand]

I certainly don't think you should be too hard on yourself. Recycles are very common and I can tell you personally that I recycled more than once.

The hard truth of the matter is that once you've broken things off once with your BPD partner, things won't ever be the same, and it seems like you're rarely re-entering the relationship on equal terms after that. In my case, I brought up to my ex that it made me uncomfortable how often she texted with an abusive ex boyfriend who had made it clear he was still in love with her and wanted me out of the picture. I truthfully brought this up to her in as gentle and non-judgmental a way as possible, but she still freaked out and we broke up for the first time.

We ended up getting back together. She told me she loved me but that she "trusted me less" now. Basically, she was saying I was in a position where I was going to have to re-earn her trust. For what? Calmly but assertively stating a boundary. We still recycled several times after that, but the relationship was never on the same equal footing after that.

[tholian]

Sounds like most of my recycles with my ex.  I had SIX of them.  They usually lasted longer than your most recent one did, about 6 months.  However, the last one lasted three months - we took a trip to New York where she had the same childlike "I'm so happy!" moment your ex had, and two weeks later she told me she was trying not to talk to me as much so she could slowly forget about me.  A month later, she was sleeping with the security guard at her work who she previously vigorously devalued (but since she felt engulfed/abandoned by me he suddenly wasn't so bad) and was posting photos on Facebook left and right.

She said a lot of the same things you heard - that she wasn't the person I deserved, that I should forget about her and find someone else, etc.  She always broke up with me with immense sadness, and left the door open to be "friends" at a later point.  So when she would start to recycle, it was like coming up for air after being held underwater for weeks.  She would always (even during breakups and push aways) tell me I was the one person on earth she felt comfortable around.  It made me feel wanted, and that's why I kept going back.

It's amazing how many personal accounts I read on here that almost mirror mine.

Be thankful it didn't go any further than it did.  And never contact her again.  Everything out of her mouth is what she wants at THAT EXACT MOMENT.  And like a 5-year-old, she will want a shiny new toy very quickly.

Thanks 4Years5Months.

It's just that during the recycle, i did see some red flags... but somehow i ignored it. I know better now. Things will never work between me and her. As Noah mentioned, i have to rework on my boundaries and not be co-dependent. I can never keep her happy and i would have lost who i am in the process.

I've had enough. No more turning back or looking out for her.

[dagwoodbowser]

I personally tried 4 recycles over an almost 3 yr period. The First thing we Non-Bpd's have to swallow and accept is that it will NEVER be like it first was. In each recycle she came back to me almost like clock work after about 80-100 days of N/C. The problem is that both of you are trying to regain that dizzy initial spell of Obsessive Infatuation that simply wont happen. Each recycle brought in new replacements, flings or orbitors into her life and they dont go away. As a matter of fact, I'm sure she plays round robin re-circulation with some of these guys in same way she did me. Also, each recycle brings new wounds. You cant help but be angry and possibly say what's on your mind after you get dropped on your head after the 2nd-3rd time and the xBPD simply cant handle hearing about how toxic they are so they bounce it back on you by telling friends and family how mean, abusive you are and then when you do come around they all have you labeled as a Monster and these friends and family members have no choice but to side with her/him advising them to no longer see you. The Second thing is regardless of how much she may say she hates you and never wants to see you again at some point she will test you. Sometimes it's all about The Seduction... can she still suck you in. Are you still that weak, pathetic person she knows she can have at will, have an intense night of passionate make-up sex, prop her up and once she's had her fill she's done. The capture is over, the hunt is over and so is the game. Dont be a smuck like me. I finally understood what I was doing and not doing as well as what she was doing and not doing. N/C, N/C, N/C!

Regardless of the sappy emails, texts or stalking it Really is Not about you. This will go on indefinately unless you put the Stop to it and regain your poise, your self esteem and self respect.

[4Years5Months]

Also, each recycle brings new wounds. You cant help but be angry and possibly say what's on your mind after you get dropped on your head after the 2nd-3rd time and the xBPD simply cant handle hearing about how toxic they are... .

I think this is why my ex isn't reaching out to me.  I have heard through mutual friends that is posting unhappy status updates about her life on Facebook (this is common, but she had been over the moon with photos and check-ins since going public with my replacement) and also saying she is crying and fighting a lot.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out with who.  In the past, this situation would be prime territory for starting up communication again.  I was usually the one to break NC.  If I did right now, I think she would talk to me due to the above things I mentioned.  She would triangulate the other guy to me until she was comfortable enough with me again to drop him and complete the recycle.

BUT... .

She had devalued this replacement to me for months, assured me she wasn't interested in him.  Said he was an idiot, religious, a Republican, the opposite of what she looks for.  I think, at that time that is what she felt, like any BPDer does.  But once she pushed me away, and his wife filed for divorce, there was a shiny new option.  She knows if we talk again, I'm going to bring all of that up.  And I'm not going to just be nice about it.  The wounds will be on full display.  She knows that.  And I think THAT is what keeps her from picking up her phone and texting me, NOT that she has forgotten about me and moved on.  She doesn't want to hear it.  Like a child plugging her ears and saying lalalala.

Time will tell if he becomes so unbearable that she finally reaches out to me.  But I will NOT be the one reaching out to her.  She has to live with what she chose.

[tholian]

Guess what, she messaged me today :'(. Asking how i am doing, hows the dog(the one we adopted when we were together) and that she misses him a lot and wants me to take care of him. Also mentioned that she feels her life has no meaning and no interest in doing anything. Seems she is travelling with a bunch of friends overseas, but still want to say nothing comes close like travelling with me. I don't know what she is trying to do, maybe testing her water again or genuinely reaching out. The temptation to reply is very high, but at the same time, i don't want to get hurt again. I just don't understand how they work, walk off and tell me not to keep in touch and suddenly this . Sigh... .

[jhkbuzz]

Guess what, she messaged me today :'(. Asking how i am doing, hows the dog(the one we adopted when we were together) and that she misses him a lot and wants me to take care of him. Also mentioned that she feels her life has no meaning and no interest in doing anything. Seems she is travelling with a bunch of friends overseas, but still want to say nothing comes close like travelling with me. I don't know what she is trying to do, maybe testing her water again or genuinely reaching out. The temptation to reply is very high, but at the same time, i don't want to get hurt again. I just don't understand how they work, walk off and tell me not to keep in touch and suddenly this . Sigh... .

The "push" away and the "pull back" is the cycle of the disorder. Can you live with it?

[tholian]

The "push" away and the "pull back" is the cycle of the disorder. Can you live with it?

Definitely i don't want to go through this cycle. If nor, i will always be stuck in this and never have a healthy life. That's why i haven't reply yet. Feels like this disorder is the Borg, "Resistance is futile" 

[4Years5Months]

It feels good to hear from her, doesn't it?  I would feel great if my ex contacted me, because I would have the validation of knowing she still thought of me and likely cared about me.

But if you talk to her... .are you going to set boundaries?  Or will you allow another recycle?  She WILL dump you again.  Absolutely, 100%.  Are you prepared for that kind of hurt again?  

I never want to feel what I have felt when my ex leaves me ever again.  I likely will at some point in my lifetime with another person, but it isn't going to be with her.  If I took her back, she absolutely would leave me again.  My therapist said she would make some sort of "grand gesture" to pull me back in if she contacted me.  I'm guessing it would be wanting to take another vacation.  

Your ex will do the same if you engage her - there will be some big promise of something she only wants to do with you.  But it won't be different "this time."  My advice is to not respond, but if you do, make it quite clear that the relationship is over.  She will likely dry up and leave quickly.  I know you don't want that at this moment, but that will show her true intentions.  Set those personal boundaries so you do not get hurt again.  It will be very tempting to recycle, but the same thing WILL happen again.

[tholian]

It feels good to hear from her, doesn't it?  I would feel great if my ex contacted me, because I would have the validation of knowing she still thought of me and likely cared about me.

But if you talk to her... .are you going to set boundaries?  Or will you allow another recycle?  She WILL dump you again.  Absolutely, 100%.  Are you prepared for that kind of hurt again?  

I never want to feel what I have felt when my ex leaves me ever again.  I likely will at some point in my lifetime with another person, but it isn't going to be with her.  If I took her back, she absolutely would leave me again.  My therapist said she would make some sort of "grand gesture" to pull me back in if she contacted me.  I'm guessing it would be wanting to take another vacation.  

Your ex will do the same if you engage her - there will be some big promise of something she only wants to do with you.  But it won't be different "this time."  My advice is to not respond, but if you do, make it quite clear that the relationship is over.  She will likely dry up and leave quickly.  I know you don't want that at this moment, but that will show her true intentions.  Set those personal boundaries so you do not get hurt again.  It will be very tempting to recycle, but the same thing WILL happen again.

Thanks 4Years5Months. Yes it does feel good when she contacted me, but i know as well no good will come from it.

I agree that she will leave me 100% as i still recall how she behaved previously and i definitely don't want to go through it again. The pain is not worth it.

She did make grand promises the last time she came back, but she couldn't walk the talk. Full of empty promises. I deserve better, so will make sure i ignore this and recall back all the reasons i know getting back with her is a bad idea. I already have a list that i keep on all the negative things i went through with her just to make sure it keeps me from crossing the line.

Thanks again

[jhkbuzz]

It feels good to hear from her, doesn't it?  I would feel great if my ex contacted me, because I would have the validation of knowing she still thought of me and likely cared about me.

But if you talk to her... .are you going to set boundaries?  Or will you allow another recycle?  She WILL dump you again.  Absolutely, 100%.  Are you prepared for that kind of hurt again?  

I never want to feel what I have felt when my ex leaves me ever again.  I likely will at some point in my lifetime with another person, but it isn't going to be with her.  If I took her back, she absolutely would leave me again.  My therapist said she would make some sort of "grand gesture" to pull me back in if she contacted me.  I'm guessing it would be wanting to take another vacation.  

Your ex will do the same if you engage her - there will be some big promise of something she only wants to do with you.  But it won't be different "this time."  My advice is to not respond, but if you do, make it quite clear that the relationship is over.  She will likely dry up and leave quickly.  I know you don't want that at this moment, but that will show her true intentions.  Set those personal boundaries so you do not get hurt again.  It will be very tempting to recycle, but the same thing WILL happen again.

Thanks 4Years5Months. Yes it does feel good when she contacted me, but i know as well no good will come from it.

I agree that she will leave me 100% as i still recall how she behaved previously and i definitely don't want to go through it again. The pain is not worth it.

She did make grand promises the last time she came back, but she couldn't walk the talk. Full of empty promises. I deserve better, so will make sure i ignore this and recall back all the reasons i know getting back with her is a bad idea. I already have a list that i keep on all the negative things i went through with her just to make sure it keeps me from crossing the line.

Thanks again

I know this is a decision I would struggle with... .but I am 90% sure I would remain no contact. Anything less and I'd be afraid that I was engaging in "magical thinking" - in believing that the disorder has somehow "magically" disappeared.

Have you considered blocking her phone number?

[tholian]

jhkbuzz, been thinking about blocking her number, but its been hard to do so all this while. I should change that now. Deleted all off he messages,pictures and number.

[jhkbuzz]

jhkbuzz, been thinking about blocking her number, but its been hard to do so all this while. I should change that now. Deleted all off he messages,pictures and number.

Wow, good for you!


It's hard, but good.  Moving forward... .