uBPDx unfriended me on FB, feeling kind of bummed

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey guys. I don't know if I really need much advice or anything, I'm more just venting I guess... .

I just found out that my uBPDx recently unfriended me on Facebook. I had unfollowed her a long time ago so that I wouldn't have to see all of her pictures and updates, but I truly did want to try to be friends or at least friendly acquaintances eventually. I know that's against the advice of the majority in this forum, but she was the first girl who ever took a chance on having a relationship with me at age 27 and truly means a lot to me. I'm able to attract and be confident with women now and I feel like I owe a lot to her, because I barely even knew how to kiss when I met her.

My birthday was this past week and at that point I believe we were still FB friends because I could see her name/pic in my chat window. I was kind of bummed that she didn't wish me a happy birthday, but I handled it okay. Our one year anniversary would have been this past Monday, so she was on my mind for those few days. Anyway, I just noticed that she's no longer in my chat window on FB, so I did a search and found that we are no longer friends, and she also unfriended my sister. I don't check FB much so she probably didn't do it today, but it had to have been within the past week, if not the past few days.

When I first found out it upset me. I find it crazy that she still has the power to get my heart absolutely pounding in my chest, even 8 months post-breakup. I'm starting to calm down but it has me pretty frazzled and I'm thinking about why she would have done that. It could have been that I was on her mind over my birthday weekend, which was the same weekend we met, and it could have brought up feelings or something. Or she could have potentially done it as a way to get me to notice her (but I kind of doubt it). She did recently change her profile picture to one without her bf in it, which is something she would obviously do if they had broken up or had issues.

I'm worried that the reason may actually be worse. A few weeks ago I ran into someone who went to college with her and found out that he knows her, but not well. He knew her enough that when I brought up her name and called her "my crazy ex" he completely agreed. I shouldn't have said that but I think because I'm still hurt, plus was drinking, I said too much. He was telling me about some odd rumors about her, but we didn't really talk for long. I guess it's possible that word got out to her mutual friends and then maybe her that I had called her crazy or something, but who knows. It would be a pretty big bummer because it was a mistake on my part and I really do care about her. It would have made it much easier to see that she had unfriended me had I not said anything, because then I'd know that she probably did it out of getting emotional thinking about what would have been one year anniversary, and not because I was talking about her behind her back... .

[cleverusername]

Hey guys. I don't know if I really need much advice or anything, I'm more just venting I guess... .

I just found out that my uBPDx recently unfriended me on Facebook. I had unfollowed her a long time ago so that I wouldn't have to see all of her pictures and updates, but I truly did want to try to be friends or at least friendly acquaintances eventually. I know that's against the advice of the majority in this forum, but she was the first girl who ever took a chance on having a relationship with me at age 27 and truly means a lot to me. I'm able to attract and be confident with women now and I feel like I owe a lot to her, because I barely even knew how to kiss when I met her.

My birthday was this past week and at that point I believe we were still FB friends because I could see her name/pic in my chat window. I was kind of bummed that she didn't wish me a happy birthday, but I handled it okay. Our one year anniversary would have been this past Monday, so she was on my mind for those few days. Anyway, I just noticed that she's no longer in my chat window on FB, so I did a search and found that we are no longer friends, and she also unfriended my sister. I don't check FB much so she probably didn't do it today, but it had to have been within the past week, if not the past few days.

When I first found out it upset me. I find it crazy that she still has the power to get my heart absolutely pounding in my chest, even 8 months post-breakup. I'm starting to calm down but it has me pretty frazzled and I'm thinking about why she would have done that. It could have been that I was on her mind over my birthday weekend, which was the same weekend we met, and it could have brought up feelings or something. Or she could have potentially done it as a way to get me to notice her (but I kind of doubt it). She did recently change her profile picture to one without her bf in it, which is something she would obviously do if they had broken up or had issues.

I'm worried that the reason may actually be worse. A few weeks ago I ran into someone who went to college with her and found out that he knows her, but not well. He knew her enough that when I brought up her name and called her "my crazy ex" he completely agreed. I shouldn't have said that but I think because I'm still hurt, plus was drinking, I said too much. He was telling me about some odd rumors about her, but we didn't really talk for long. I guess it's possible that word got out to her mutual friends and then maybe her that I had called her crazy or something, but who knows. It would be a pretty big bummer because it was a mistake on my part and I really do care about her. It would have made it much easier to see that she had unfriended me had I not said anything, because then I'd know that she probably did it out of getting emotional thinking about what would have been one year anniversary, and not because I was talking about her behind her back... .

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Hi Clever,

  It does feel kind of crazy that 8 months later someone can still affect us in such a way.  You truly cared for her so it is just part of the detachment process.  I would look at this event as a chance to reflect on what made you feel this way and how you can use this to further detach, heal, grow and move on with your life.  Rather than focus on what motivated her to unfriend you on facebook, focus on why it affects you.  The healthiest thing to do is to let go.  It's not easy and I struggle with it myself, but as more time passes I spend more effort on understanding myself and less on my BPDex.

Another thread linked this, I found it very informative:

www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

[cleverusername]

Yeah, I guess the reason it affects me is that now I feel guilt. If she had unfriended me without me having talked about her behind her back like I did I don't think I'd be nearly as affected by it. It sucks knowing that it may have been the result of something mean and immature that I did, and not knowing for sure kind of sucks even more. It makes me feel like I'm the bad guy... .

Thanks for the link, that seems really helpful. I will do my best to try and detach. I always wanted to stay connected with her in some way because she will always mean a lot to me, but I guess I still need to completely detach first and fully heal before I can even think about doing that.

[4Years5Months]

cleverusername, first of all, that is a clever user name.   

Second of all, it seems like a substantial reach that she unfriended you because of a solitary comment you made to someone, that somehow got back to her.  Nah.  I'm not sure what the specifications were behind your breakup, or your relationship, but if she is a BPDer, it likely has more to do with her disorder than you.  One of the things I learned to accept after reading more on BPD is that it wasn't my fault - there was nothing I could do.  It was inevitable that I would be pushed away and discarded.  And I was, SEVEN times.  Your ex was going to unfriend you no matter what.  If your comments DID get back to her, then it just gave her the reason she needed.  She would have ended up unfriending you because it rained that day if it came down to it.  It was going to happen NO MATTER WHAT.

I'm surprised you remained Facebook friends for that long after the breakup, even as she entered a new relationship.  My ex always IMMEDIATELY unfriended me each time she broke up with me.  Recently, she has been liking various comments I leave on mutual friends' status updates, and sometimes comments herself.  I can tell she is poking at me to try and get me to contact her.  But I won't.  SHE made the decision to discard me.

Again, accept that you couldn't have done anything about it.  Search the term "self fulfilling prophecy" on here and see how many posts there are about BPD being a disorder that ALWAYS cycles and repeats itself.  It was going to happen, and I'm sorry it did.  Just realize it's on her, and not you.

[Fr4nz]

Yeah, I guess the reason it affects me is that now I feel guilt. If she had unfriended me without me having talked about her behind her back like I did I don't think I'd be nearly as affected by it. It sucks knowing that it may have been the result of something mean and immature that I did, and not knowing for sure kind of sucks even more. It makes me feel like I'm the bad guy... .

Thanks for the link, that seems really helpful. I will do my best to try and detach. I always wanted to stay connected with her in some way because she will always mean a lot to me, but I guess I still need to completely detach first and fully heal before I can even think about doing that.

You don't have to feel guilty. On the contrary, this extremely childish behaviour of unfriending an ex (when you did nothing wrong) is typical of BPDs; mine did the same thing after 5 weeks post-breakup (or 3 weeks after I was replaced). Looking at her past relationships, my exBPDgf unfriended all exes/lovers, and even if I did nothing wrong she applied the same treatment to me. It's the illness, you cannot do anything.

Probably this is something they do to avoid pain, to punish you or to focus solely on their new replacement.

In any case, go on with your life and date other women, that's the best thing.

[Maternus]

Go on and date other women, that's the best thing.

I don't think so. Go on and date yourself, become your own best friend - and than date other woman. That's the right thing.

[Fr4nz]

Go on and date other women, that's the best thing.

I don't think so. Go on and date yourself, become your own best friend - and than date other woman. That's the right thing.

Yeah, you're right

[Gonzalo]

One thing I learned from BPD is that if someone doesn't want to be your friend, they aren't worth being your friend and are actually doing you a favor by pulling away. Something like two months after the breakup and one after she moved out, I saw that a band she really likes was going to be in the area. I let a mutual friend know so she could pass it on without naming me (since my ex- hearing it from me would probably set her off). The person who I thought was a friend raged at me about how I had no right to think of my ex- (who I had dated longer than this person had even known her) and what a terrible thing I had done. I gave a "BPD-special" apology for daring to send this info, and have not really talked to her since (I'll say 'hi' and make small talk in person for politeness sake), and she (but not her partner) unfriended me on facebook.

(The "BPD-special" is what I call BS apologies that you give to a crazy person when you did nothing wrong but they demand one, so that they don't direct their crazy at you any more. It's the verbal equivalent of backing away slowly and making soothing noises as you completely disengage from them.)

I could be very, very upset by this and lament the friend not talking to me. But other than the immediate What the heck, I'm not actually bothered at all. This woman who I thought was my friend clearly has significant issues, and was willing to treat me very badly in response to a nice thing I tried to do. She is not the kind of person I want close to me, and rather than be mad about the rage-unfriend, I'm happy that I got such a clear ":)ANGER WILL ROBINSON" message.

[JRT]

I thought well enough of my exBPDfaince to ask her to marry me and move into my house. After a 2 year long r/s, she moved out while I was away and notified me with a nasty text and have never spoken to her since - that was over 6 months ago.

When the moving van was still in the driveway that day, she must have left it there overnight since she had to get down to the important business of , not unfriending me on FB, but blocking me entirely. Going further, she also unfriended all 80 or so friends that she and I had in common.

Beyond this (as if it was not enough), though her smear tactics, she convinced all of the family in friends that she introduced me to and were FB friends to unfriend me as well. It required a one on one conversation with roughly 35 people! I took several days for her to accomplish but sure as shooting, I saw them all disappear one by one of the course of the next several days, even people that she had little association with.

There was only one left in the end, a husband of her third cousin and I asked him if he could tell me what she had been saying about me. It was so embarrassing that he was uncomfortable to tell me. She kept the pressure on him as eventually he stopped responding entirely to my posts on his threads - evidently, she kept the pressure on him for months.

This from a woman I gladly would have stood in front of a speeding truck for.

[4Years5Months]

I just looked at my ex's profile (same as always, I can't see anything in detail) but I noticed we still have 21 mutual friends... .about 10 of them are MY friends that she was only "friends" with due to our relationship.  Probably only 2 or 3 of them she is substantially friends with.  Yet, she hasn't unfriended  any them. 

She is real big on that "I'm going to go through my friends list and unfriend anyone I don't care or think about anymore" moment each of us have probably gone through, so I'm surprised she has left MY friends on there.

[JRT]

Expect a recycle attempt

[cleverusername]

If your comments DID get back to her, then it just gave her the reason she needed. She would have ended up unfriending you because it rained that day if it came down to it.  It was going to happen NO MATTER WHAT.

Yeah, you're probably right. One thing that I didn't mention was that the same sort of situation actually happened last October, but instead of me making the comments about her it was my sister, haha. My sister never actually met her, but they graduated from the same college and have some mutual friends. So she was talking to this guy at a party and my exes name came up, and HE apparently was the first one to say she was crazy and my sister agreed and told stories that I had told her. Turned out he was the boyfriend of one of my exes best friends, haha, oops. So my exes friend must have told her, and my ex texted me one night very angry that my sister had talked about her behind her back like that. I felt bad and apologized on my sisters behalf... .so to hear that I did the same thing now... .makes me look pretty bad haha. But oh well, she did some ridiculous stuff.

I'm surprised you remained Facebook friends for that long after the breakup, even as she entered a new relationship.  My ex always IMMEDIATELY unfriended me each time she broke up with me.  Recently, she has been liking various comments I leave on mutual friends' status updates, and sometimes comments herself.  I can tell she is poking at me to try and get me to contact her.  But I won't.  SHE made the decision to discard me.

Oh she did unfriend me immediately. Like, within minutes. The breakup happened over text because I just lost it on her one day (she totally deserved it) and we ended up agreeing to meet a week or two later to talk about the breakup in person and give one another our stuff back. At this meeting I mentioned how she had unfriended me and she said she didn't even know she did it... .dissociation much? She friended me again a couple weeks later, just as she was starting to post pictures of her and her new guy... .I kept her as a friend but unfollowed her so I wouldn't have to see that crap.

Again, accept that you couldn't have done anything about it.  Search the term "self fulfilling prophecy" on here and see how many posts there are about BPD being a disorder that ALWAYS cycles and repeats itself.  It was going to happen, and I'm sorry it did.  Just realize it's on her, and not you.

Yeah, you're right. It's sad because I wish she would get help or I could warn the guys she dates that it's going to be one of the worst experiences of their lives and to RUN.

[cleverusername]

You don't have to feel guilty. On the contrary, this extremely childish behaviour of unfriending an ex (when you did nothing wrong) is typical of BPDs; mine did the same thing after 5 weeks post-breakup (or 3 weeks after I was replaced). Looking at her past relationships, my exBPDgf unfriended all exes/lovers, and even if I did nothing wrong she applied the same treatment to me. It's the illness, you cannot do anything.

Probably this is something they do to avoid pain, to punish you or to focus solely on their new replacement.

In any case, go on with your life and date other women, that's the best thing.

Yeah, that's true. The guilt has subsided a lot now actually which is nice. And I am going on with my life and (extremely cautiously) dating other women.

I don't think so. Go on and date yourself, become your own best friend - and than date other woman. That's the right thing.

I hear you, but I think I've done a pretty good job at becoming my own best friend. I've always been someone who doesn't mind being alone and actually needs a good amount of alone time in order to be happy, so I think I'm in a pretty good place. I have started to date a bit but not really interested in a lot of emotional investment at the moment (I've tried to be pretty upfront about that).

One thing I learned from BPD is that if someone doesn't want to be your friend, they aren't worth being your friend and are actually doing you a favor by pulling away. Something like two months after the breakup and one after she moved out, I saw that a band she really likes was going to be in the area. I let a mutual friend know so she could pass it on without naming me (since my ex- hearing it from me would probably set her off). The person who I thought was a friend raged at me about how I had no right to think of my ex- (who I had dated longer than this person had even known her) and what a terrible thing I had done. I gave a "BPD-special" apology for daring to send this info, and have not really talked to her since (I'll say 'hi' and make small talk in person for politeness sake), and she (but not her partner) unfriended me on facebook.

Wow, finding a nice gesture like that to be a terrible thing to have done is pretty insane. Even my ex wasn't that bad... .I made little gestures like that after the breakup, and she thanked me but wouldn't really talk further. At least I didn't get raged at... .

[cleverusername]

I thought well enough of my exBPDfaince to ask her to marry me and move into my house. After a 2 year long r/s, she moved out while I was away and notified me with a nasty text and have never spoken to her since - that was over 6 months ago.

Wow, I'm sorry. Was it the fear of abandonment that caused her to move out while you were away or something else? Or do you just not know? Just wondering, because my relationship ended when I went on vacation for a week without her (trip was planned before we met) and she became very distant and angry with me the entire time and basically ruined the trip for me. I realized after I learned about BPD that it was probably due to her abandonment fears.

Going further, she also unfriended all 80 or so friends that she and I had in common.

Mine did the same, but only with the mutual friends who she had met through me. Even the ones she really liked.

Beyond this (as if it was not enough), though her smear tactics, she convinced all of the family in friends that she introduced me to and were FB friends to unfriend me as well. It required a one on one conversation with roughly 35 people! I took several days for her to accomplish but sure as shooting, I saw them all disappear one by one of the course of the next several days, even people that she had little association with.

There was only one left in the end, a husband of her third cousin and I asked him if he could tell me what she had been saying about me. It was so embarrassing that he was uncomfortable to tell me. She kept the pressure on him as eventually he stopped responding entirely to my posts on his threads - evidently, she kept the pressure on him for months.

That seems like a good way for her to let her family/friends know she's crazy. If a family member or friend were to tell me to unfriend their ex for any reason, I'd think they're nuts. It's FB, really not that big a deal if we're "friends" haha.

[cleverusername]

A kind of funny thing happened the other day... .I was looking at Snapchat and she apparently posted a picture as a "story." I was really surprised to see her name pop up because I figured she would have deleted me from Snapchat if she deleted me from FB. Funny thing is she never posts these, this may have been the first time I've ever seen her do it. I made sure not to view it because she would know if I did. Not giving her that satisfaction in case that's what she's looking for.

[JRT]

[/quote]
Wow, I'm sorry. Was it the fear of abandonment that caused her to move out while you were away or something else? Or do you just not know? Just wondering, because my relationship ended when I went on vacation for a week without her (trip was planned before we met) and she became very distant and angry with me the entire time and basically ruined the trip for me. I realized after I learned about BPD that it was probably due to her abandonment fears.

\[/quote]
I have no idea. She notified me via text and I have not seen or heard from her since. I don't really even know where she lives! That was more than 6 months ago.

Going further, she also unfriended all 80 or so friends that she and I had in common.

Mine did the same, but only with the mutual friends who she had met through me. Even the ones she really liked.[/quote]
Not really sure that I understand the motivation. Might be so that she wouldn't have anyone neutralizing the smear campaign... .I just don't know.

Beyond this (as if it was not enough), though her smear tactics, she convinced all of the family in friends that she introduced me to and were FB friends to unfriend me as well. It required a one on one conversation with roughly 35 people! I took several days for her to accomplish but sure as shooting, I saw them all disappear one by one of the course of the next several days, even people that she had little association with.

There was only one left in the end, a husband of her third cousin and I asked him if he could tell me what she had been saying about me. It was so embarrassing that he was uncomfortable to tell me. She kept the pressure on him as eventually he stopped responding entirely to my posts on his threads - evidently, she kept the pressure on him for months.

That seems like a good way for her to let her family/friends know she's crazy. If a family member or friend were to tell me to unfriend their ex for any reason, I'd think they're nuts. It's FB, really not that big a deal if we're "friends" haha.[/quote]
For sure!

[LeonVa]

Go on and date other women, that's the best thing.

I don't think so. Go on and date yourself, become your own best friend - and than date other woman. That's the right thing.

Yeah, you're right

Absolutely right.  I remember back in my dating days, among my friends, we always have a saying, "No girls will want to screw a guy who doesn't want to screw himself", my group always had a good success rate  . I'm a bit rusty now after the BPD abuse, time to shake it off.