On No Contact

[Jack2727]

I know they say that staying NC is for you when a relationship ends. I have found it difficult some days to be able to want to stay NC. I just feel like there is a ton that was left unsaid. Even though I feel a lot better there is still that part of me that wants to let her "have it" telling her how much she hurt me.

I have seen plenty of threads here by some of you who have broken NC and have regretted it later. I think that in a way helps me.

Is it really worth breaking NC anyway? She doesn't want to be in my life. Why bother?

[JRT]

How long has it been NC for you? Is your ex a diagnosed BPD?

[Jack2727]

Today is actually day 89. It's been almost 90 days believe it or not! Crazy to think that. It will be three months tomorrow. I dated her 6 1/2 months so I guess I'm right on my healing target. I feel pretty ok most of the time now. I get spurts every few days where I get angry.

I guess that's normal.

She refused to see a therapist but based on three months of research I have pretty much figured out she was mostly a covert Narc with comorbid BPD and OCD traits.

[JRT]

Thanks for the 411. Can I ask you: what would you like to have happen? As you are on the detaching board, I assume that you want out of the r/s?

[raisins3142]

If it were me, after this length of time I would let it be and remain no contact.

Now, if this is really a thorn in your side you can't get over, it might give you closure to give her some final shots behind a wall of her being blocked so you don't have to deal with any contact back from her and getting roped back into the dance.  Might seem cowardly or not super cool, but if that is what you feel you must do and don't have any recourse, it is not the worst thing, so long as you break no laws or having any serious ethical lapses that would haunt you.

But that last paragraph is probably a bad idea.

The reason I wrote it is because for a few days after the break up, I let my ex have it pretty good, and described to her what I thought of her character and personality.  It was cruel, but now at least I don't have to worry about her not knowing exactly what I think.  However, I now have to deal with guilt because a kitten with rabies tried to bite me (her as a weak and sick person) and I pretty much kicked it 50 yards into the ocean.  So, I feel bad because I know she was fragile and loved me in her way, and I know I devastated her, even though I was honest, but not in a nice way at all because I was very hurt.

Now, think what you want to do all the way out.  What are all the potential long and short term benefits and costs to each action?  I have flashes of anger still, despite my having told her exactly what I thought earlier, and maybe we just have to deal with these things until those emotions go away.  Ever hit a heavy bag?

By the way, I'm 5 months out, 3 months NC, after a 6 month relationship.

[Jack2727]

You know JRT, I would like her to miraculously lose her mental illness and become the person that I wanted her to be. I know that will never happen. I didn't break up with her unfortunately but it was the right call.

[Luckyfella]

Not worth it. BPD live in denial and you will be talking to an irrational person. I regretted it like everyone else. I recommend drafting an email with everything you want to say but don't send it.

Read this article: https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Especially:

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

We often feel that if we explain our point better, put it in writing, say it louder, or find the right words ... .we will be heard. People with BPD hear and read just fine. Everything that we have said has been physically heard. The issue is more about listening and engaging. When the relationship breaks down and emotions are flared, the ability to listen and engage diminishes greatly on all sides. And if we try to compensate by being more insistent it often just drives the interaction further into unhealthy territory. We may be seen as aggressive. We may be seen as weak and clingy. We may be seen as having poor boundaries and inviting selfish treatment. We may be offering ourselves up for punishment.said. It may be denial, it may be the inability to get past what they feel and want to say, or it may even be payback. This is one of the most difficult aspects of breaking up - there is no closure.

[bunnyrabit]

Letting them 'have it' is most likely not gonna play out as you might imagine. If she's anything like my ex, she's not gonna absorb the information you'll give her, mull it over, own it and use it to become a better person, like most of us would. It'll trigger immense feelings of shame and guilt in her which are simply impossible for a BPD to own up to. So after only a few minutes she will start shifting the blame on you. There's simply no way to have an adult conversation with them if it involves anything they might have done wrong. You'll just keep on running in circles till your head spins, leaving you even more frustrated and confused.

[apollotech]

Jack,

Maybe I have missed it, but I haven't heard you express what you'd expect to gain by breaking NC. If you broke NC and expressed your feelings to her, what would you gain?

Congratulations on the 90 days NC! Way to go!

[drummerboy]

Very bad idea IMO. You'd be showing her she still has meaning to you and I seriously doubt you'd get anything even resembling closure. They can't explain anything to us because they are disordered, they can't explain anything to themselves!

Making contact with them when they don't want you can have very bad repercussions, mine got police involved when I passed on some medical info after a long period of NC. They are unstable and totally unpredictable. Get on with your life and stay 100% NC is my advice.

[Mister Brightside]

Letting them 'have it' is most likely not gonna play out as you might imagine. If she's anything like my ex, she's not gonna absorb the information you'll give her, mull it over, own it and use it to become a better person, like most of us would. It'll trigger immense feelings of shame and guilt in her which are simply impossible for a BPD to own up to. So after only a few minutes she will start shifting the blame on you. There's simply no way to have an adult conversation with them if it involves anything they might have done wrong. You'll just keep on running in circles till your head spins, leaving you even more frustrated and confused.

I have to agree with all that is said here. Weeks ago I told "my" BPD that I felt concerned for her and the fact she was having sexual relations with a married man with children. With more rage than I've ever heard from her before, she said that I was speaking out of jealousy and that thinking what she was doing wrong didn't count as receiving inspiration for her. My point is, they can be doing something that 99% of the population would be totally against, and the BPD will still feel entitled.

[Jack2727]

Thanks everyone for your responses. You have all helped me during the last 90 days! I still don't know how I have managed to go so long without contacting her.

I think days like yesterday I get those sadness feelings. They seem to come less and less now. I guess its all part of the process.

Thanks again everyone!