Can this be a way to burn bridges?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

One month after a break up with a pwBPD... .

I broke the N/C couple times and this made me think that I am not strong enough to detach myself from him. I realised that deep inside myself I still want him back and I am kinda ready to wait long before he changes his mind, will be missing me and someday we meet again etc... .since we used to have much fun, epic sex and were really connected... .But these thoughts do not let me go on with my life... .So I decided to burn all the bridges. I texted him saying that he had a personality disorder and that it rules his life. I also said that the way he broke up with me just dumping me on the road (my story is in my introduction) exposes him as a total ___in as**hole.

He was shocked to hear this from me, bs I never talked to him this way... .I was always sweet. He cut all possible connections with me now including deleting his profile from FB... .big deal I beleive

Have anyone done anything like I did... .was it helpful? Please don't think I am proud of what I did. It was done out of my weakness... .I regret it. But can it be the way to forget any hope and to move on?

[Lavanda]

One month after a break up with a pwBPD... .

I broke the N/C couple times and this made me think that I am not strong enough to detach myself from him. I realised that deep inside myself I still want him back and I am kinda ready to wait long before he changes his mind, will be missing me and someday we meet again etc... .since we used to have much fun, epic sex and were really connected... .But these thoughts do not let me go on with my life... .So I decided to burn all the bridges. I texted him saying that he had a personality disorder and that it rules his life. I also said that the way he broke up with me just dumping me on the road (my story is in my introduction) exposes him as a total ___in as**hole.

He was shocked to hear this from me, bs I never talked to him this way... .I was always sweet. He cut all possible connections with me now including deleting his profile from FB... .big deal I beleive

Have anyone done anything like I did... .was it helpful? Please don't think I am proud of what I did. It was done out of my weakness... .I regret it. But can it be the way to forget any hope and to move on?

[ShadowIntheNight]

One month after a break up with a pwBPD... .

I broke the N/C couple times and this made me think that I am not strong enough to detach myself from him. I realised that deep inside myself I still want him back and I am kinda ready to wait long before he changes his mind, will be missing me and someday we meet again etc... .since we used to have much fun, epic sex and were really connected... .But these thoughts do not let me go on with my life... .So I decided to burn all the bridges. I texted him saying that he had a personality disorder and that it rules his life. I also said that the way he broke up with me just dumping me on the road (my story is in my introduction) exposes him as a total ___in as**hole.

He was shocked to hear this from me, bs I never talked to him this way... .I was always sweet. He cut all possible connections with me now including deleting his profile from FB... .big deal I beleive

Have anyone done anything like I did... .was it helpful? Please don't think I am proud of what I did. It was done out of my weakness... .I regret it. But can it be the way to forget any hope and to move on?

Sister! I let my uBPDexgf have it. She broke up with me in a type written note that she inserted in a birthday card to me. We were together 9.5 yrs. Absolutely no reason for her actions. None. When I called her after I got the card and note in the mail, she didn't answer her phone. Gutless! So I let her have it on her voicemail. For two weeks I was furious and then that faded. And I felt terrible. So totally out of character for me the things I said. Totally.

My guilt ate at me til around November when I sent her kid a birthday card. she sent an email thanking me but telling me I shouldn't have done it. Then she told me that the things I had said to her had really hurt her. I then sent the apology I had been working on since September. I felt it was the only way I could ease how guilty I felt for having said those things no matter how justified I had felt in the moment.

She then told me she accepted my apology "as that was the right thing to do." But that she was rethinking our ENTIRE 9.5 year relationship. She then said we should both really think about the truth of my words. Which I have no idea what she meant by that.

Understand, she did not apologize for what she did. As a matter of fact, the way she left was by fading away. Did she really think I'd just notice she wasn't around anymore after 9.5 years? And the reason I am even on this site today is because I had never even heard the word borderline. never. my exgf is even a therapist. I found BPD Family after I saw clearly that my ex was scapegoating my actions in order to overlook hers in her email response to me. When I googled the phrase ex scapegoating I got link after link for BPD and narcissism. Suddenly so many things became clear that hadn't been before. And the longer I've stayed, the more convinced I am that she has the disorder.

In my case, I haven't heard from my exgf per se. The last time were our extremely limited emails. BUT since September I have been receiving blocked hang up calls that I coincidently hadn't received the entire decade we knew one another. I happened to get one today as a matter of fact, the first since the week before Valentine's.

So it will help to some extent if you want to stay broken up. What I think our ex's can't believe is that we can have a temper just as much as them when we are pushed to our limits. For me I had to get rid of the guilt I felt b/c I couldn't tell which was worse, my hurt from what she had done, or my disappointment at what I had done. Once I apologized (which I'm not suggesting you do unless you really want to) I then was able to release that part of my pain. The part that had to do with the hurt has still been quite major though.

I don't appreciate being hurt by someone so callously, as your ex and my ex did. But I really can't stomach them being hurt by our actions when they were the ones who set everything in motion in the first place. I don't know if this helps, but it has been my experience.

[Lavanda]

Thank you bro. It was really helpful. I also was surprised to know that your ex was a therapist. Can you beleive it? My man also was the one. Seriously. He is a psychotherapist with his private practice. When was it that you apolodized to her? I mean how many months or weeks after leaving her that voicemail? Bs mine exbf is so full of himself that I think he will never except my apology. I accused him of having a personality disorder. I will never be forgiven I beleive.

But may be i should stop thinking about apology... .and start thinking of my future without him... .are you finally over your ex? How long did it took?

[StarOfTheSea]

Hi Lavanda,

I think they're stunned when we show anger instead of the sweet, loving, patient side of us they've always seen.

When I went to retrieve the last of my things from our home (me and my exBPDbf's) I left him a card in which I told him I knew he had been cheating on me. In it, I posed questions to him such as did he tell her that he was still sleeping in our bed and we were still having sex when he was initiating a r/s with her? Along with a couple other very pointed questions that I knew would make him feel guilty. It felt great to call him out on his lies and sh-ty behavior.

After he found the card he left me a raging voicemail (contents of which are in another post of mine) and said I could call him back if I wanted to discuss it. Lol! We never fought when we were together, I sure as hell wasn't going to start now.

Your r/s and mine sound similar: intense, fun, etc but with an abrupt, cruel b/u. Personally, I don't think you owe him an apology. You are a human with authentic feelings and you deserve to have them heard, no matter if he likes them or not. No matter if he thinks they aren't 'nice'. I'm certain you had to listen to plenty of hurtful things from him. Consider yourself fortunate that he cut contact, now it's up to you to do the same. You will feel so much better having a clean cut from him.

[downwhim]

I have debated many times as to whether I should write out my feelings to my ex. It has been 6 months n/c. I am bottled up inside. I am leaving in 2 days with two girlfriends to Cabo. It is a timeshare he and I own together. I have been there 6 times with him.

How can I cut ties when we haven't even talked in 6 months and I never said my piece? I still need to get this timeshare thing figured out with him too. Avoidance is what I have been doing. I honestly don't want to hear his rage! I do want to state my side and my feelings though.

Any thoughts?

[StarOfTheSea]

I have debated many times as to whether I should write out my feelings to my ex. It has been 6 months n/c. I am bottled up inside. I am leaving in 2 days with two girlfriends to Cabo. It is a timeshare he and I own together. I have been there 6 times with him.

How can I cut ties when we haven't even talked in 6 months and I never said my piece? I still need to get this timeshare thing figured out with him too. Avoidance is what I have been doing. I honestly don't want to hear his rage! I do want to state my side and my feelings though.

Any thoughts?

Hi Downwhim,

My thought would be to try to clear up the timeshare issue by using written communication like email or a certified letter. Since there's money involved with the timeshare it's a good idea to have a paper trail.

As far as you wanting to have your final say, putting your thoughts in a letter is a way to give voice to them  without being interrupted by his raging. I might wait until the timeshare issue is cleared up before sending him that letter, though.

[downwhim]

Starofthesea,

Yes, I am going to go and enjoy it for what may be my last time and my birthday at that. I will send a letter when I get home. I know I need to resolve this issue. It is heavy on my brain and I know he will make it difficult.

I appreciate your input.

[StarOfTheSea]

Starofthesea,

Yes, I am going to go and enjoy it for what may be my last time and my birthday at that. I will send a letter when I get home. I know I need to resolve this issue. It is heavy on my brain and I know he will make it difficult.

I appreciate your input.

You're welcome

Enjoy your time there and leave with happy memories of an awesome birthday celebration with your friends.

[Infern0]

I exploded at my waif after she accused me of some nonsense.  It was like a 9/10 rage left her in tears and shaking, a year worth of anger.  She text me that nobody had ever hurt her like that (this rage was caused by her gaslighting me)

Anyway she told me to never talk to her again which I was like no problem.  After I think 3 weeks she started trying to break NC and eventually she got through.

Everything is in the moment for pwBPD,  love you hate you miss you don't want to talk.

What I'm saying is maybe you will hear again,  maybe not. I tried to get my pwBPD to abandon me,  subconsciously for 6 months because I knew it needed to end but I just couldn't do it myself,  eventually I realised she would never do it,  not permenantly at least,  I'm too good a source of supply and besides that I don't feel I was one of the ones who was used,  I think she genuinely wanted us to work but just couldn't.  In the end I had to terminate the connection.  

You can't control them,  only yourself

[ShadowIntheNight]

Thank you bro. It was really helpful. I also was surprised to know that your ex was a therapist. Can you beleive it? My man also was the one. Seriously. He is a psychotherapist with his private practice. When was it that you apolodized to her? I mean how many months or weeks after leaving her that voicemail? Bs mine exbf is so full of himself that I think he will never except my apology. I accused him of having a personality disorder. I will never be forgiven I beleive.

But may be i should stop thinking about apology... .and start thinking of my future without him... .are you finally over your ex? How long did it took?

BTW, my ex and I are women. She had been married for 10 yrs and has two kids. We were together for 9.5 yrs. And all she told me was she had been dating men and going down a different path. There was no reason given as to her changing her mind. I now know she was possibly activated by something her mother said, but beyond that I have no idea why she did what she did.

I was able to send my apology via email about 3 months after it happened. I never accused my ex of a personality disorder because even when I sent the apology I had no idea of BPD. It wasn't til she scapegoated me about her behavior that I became aware of it. After that I have vacillated if she is or not, but the more I hear and the similarities of stories with so many strangers, it's pretty clear to me that she probably does.

And no, I am not over her. I cried everyday for the first 6 months she was gone. Only now have the tears diminished some. The last two months have been me enraged by her actions, and i yell about it in my home. Beyond that, I can't tell you the future. I literally live each hour as it comes. I don't like being around people anymore and I am very selective about where and when I go out as I don't like triggering my pain, and who wants to break down in tears in front of complete strangers?

[jhkbuzz]

I have debated many times as to whether I should write out my feelings to my ex. It has been 6 months n/c. I am bottled up inside. I am leaving in 2 days with two girlfriends to Cabo. It is a timeshare he and I own together. I have been there 6 times with him.

How can I cut ties when we haven't even talked in 6 months and I never said my piece? I still need to get this timeshare thing figured out with him too. Avoidance is what I have been doing. I honestly don't want to hear his rage! I do want to state my side and my feelings though.

Any thoughts?

Hi Downwhim,

My thought would be to try to clear up the timeshare issue by using written communication like email or a certified letter. Since there's money involved with the timeshare it's a good idea to have a paper trail.

As far as you wanting to have your final say, putting your thoughts in a letter is a way to give voice to them  without being interrupted by his raging. I might wait until the timeshare issue is cleared up before sending him that letter, though.

Or just write the letter to get it out of your system - and never send it.

[parisian]

Lavanda, I did what everyone on here says not to do.

When I broke up with my exBPDgf from a 2 year r/s, we limped along as 'friends', which was never going to be a proper friendship but which was more like we would catch up occassionally before she had a replacement for me. I grew very tired of the push/pull behaviour. It got to the point where she ignored me. I called off the friendship telling her I couldn't be friends with someone who ignored me. She walked within a meter of me at a function we were both out and deliberately looked the other way. That was upsetting. I sent her an email saying whilst we couldn't be friends, we could at least be friendly towards each other. She ignored that. By that stage I was sick and tired of hearing the 'I've done nothing bad or wrong' from her, despite me having sent her a relatively polite and caring email before we broke up, where I listed her behaviour that was upsetting and hurtful towards me that I didn't understand.

She did apologise at the end of the relationship but only as 'I'm sorry I wasn't the right person for you'.

I finally sent an email telling her I knew she had BPD, that I nor us never really had a chance. I listed only a fraction of some of the really awful things she did, and they were really awful. I got a 'dont ever contact me again' email in response to that.

I was disappointed that I couldn't be the 'bigger' person and just let things go but I was tired of her continual insisntence she'd done nothing wrong. Of course that is classic BPD - they will never take responsibility for anything - they are in tremendous shame knowing full well how they've behaved, but are simply unable to have any empathy or consider how their actions and behaviour might have impacted someone else. They are just in too much self pain to do that.

Part of the reason for me sending her the email was also in a way, to absolutely sever ties so that she would never ever contact me or be in my life again.

Yes, part of me was disappointed that I couldn't just let go of all those awful things, that I couldn't just pretend they never happened, and just move on quietly. But another part of me is glad I sent that and let her know how she behaved. I hope it prompts her to continue with her therapy and one day have some sort of enjoyable life. I doubt that will ever happen but I still have some compassion for her and do genuinely wish the best for her. I'm just no longer in a position now to continue to show that.

So my bridge is well and truly burnt. I'm also very happy with that because I don't think I could cope with ever having her in my life in any way every again.

[Lavanda]

Hello everyone and thank you for your feedback. I apolozise for being silent, I was moving from one country to another. I agree with Infern0

You can't control them,  only yourself [/quote]
I expected that my harsh text cut him off and he would never contact me again.  But he contacted me twice since that time.  His message was:

"don't walk away from this relationship thinking that you're innocent, that you're not 50% in the reason why we broke up, that I'm solely, the one with a borderline personality disorder-You are at least 50% responsible'

I never wrote him he had a BPD. In my text I said he had a disorder but never said BPD. So he admitted himself he had it. But this was hard for him to stand so he said

":)o you think you were okay in the area of mental health, that you screamed at the top of your lungs when you had an orgasm... . you dreamt that I left you... . and that you murdered me (in a dream). Do you think that had any effect on me feeling safe with you?"

I was shocked to read this nonsence. I have no recollection of any dreams he accused me of.  I admit I can also be responsible for our break up but never thought screaming in sex could be a sign of a menthal disorder... . And this guy is a psychologist... .

I wrote back to him and apologized for my 'bad words". As soon as I did it he was OK and nice and wished me all the best. I feel like he never really regreted our split and just couldn't stand the idea that he is a BPD person in my eyes.

I am mourning my love, my loss of him and he is simply protecting his image... . this is so sad, my gosh... . seems like he has no recollection of all we shared, no recollection that he proposed at me on public, no recollection of how he wrote poems dedicated to me etc... .

[lawman79]

I too am pretty sure I burnt the bridge and will never hear from her again.  Our relationship ended 3.5 months ago.  I spent the entire weekend running errands for her.  When she was not satisfied with some of the things that I bought for her, she flew into a rage and txted nasty things.  Then she begged me to help her out with some stuff at house.  When I said that I wouldn't because she had behaved badly, she raged again and txted me the nasty most vile things I have ever heard... . including pro holocaust comments (I am half jewish).  Now I am not proud of this but everyone has their limits.  I hit her back almost equally as hard with nasty hurtful comments.  The next day she txted "Thanks for all your help this weekend, that was nice.  What happened later was not so nice and I can't be around someone that is so disrespectful and abusive".  I txted back OK.  So ironic after a year almost constant verbal abuse... . I stand up for myself once and hit back... . and she's gone

  I have been in therapy for 6 weeks.  I told my therapist that I feel guilty that I said nasty things to her and would like to apologize.  He said he would strongly advise against that as it would embolden her and may cause her to comeback.  Part of me still wants to apologize despite the fact that she never apologized for anything.  But then again I have empathy... .

  At the end of the day I am only human, and not perfect. It took a lot for her to push me to say those things and I do not like the person I was when I said those things.  I will say that if I never hear from her again (I doubt I will),  I may have done myself a huge favor by getting rid of her in that fashion. 

[Lavanda]

Parisian, I am surprised how similar our situation, only I am  talking of my ex BPDbf. I had all these feelings after sending my text to him, and his responce was "don't ever contact me again"

So I felt like the bridge was burnt

But, as I said in my previous post, he did contact me himself. First he sent me a nice letter saying that if diagnosing him with a disorder makes me feel any better about our break up, it's OK with him. I never replied it. Then he probably grew angry about it and sent yeta another e-mail which was not nice at all and which I quote above (accusing me of screaming in bed and stuff)

So he obtained what he wanted - I was not strong enough to keep silence and answered him and even offered kind of apology which he wanted so much in order not to face the reality of his insanity.

My advice - never reply their texts. They contact you not for you (like one may suggest considering that we usually miss them) but only for them to feel better.

[Lavanda]

Lawman79, I did apologize and now I regret it. Bs the only effect it had upon him was gaining foothold in seeing himself as "OK" and feel better about himself. As soon as I did it, he said 'Thank you" and disappeared. There were no reciprocal desire to talk things over. He is moving forward convicted that there were real grounds for us to break up other than his insanity. And now he will find another woman and hurt her the way he did me... . I come anew to the conclusion - only NC is a good stratedgy with these people.

[Plonko]

I told my exBPD in the last message I ever sent her that I never wanted to hear from her again, I was blocking her on all forms of communication and anything that did get through would be deleted without being read. I told her that because of the way she treated me that as far as I was concerned she no longer existed. That was nine months ago and I've heard nothing from her since.

I think that was a comprehensively burned bridge. Long may it continue.

[Lavanda]

That was nine months ago and I've heard nothing from her since.

I think that was a comprehensively burned bridge. Long may it continue.

Seems like she was OK with the fact you said the last word? I mean mine could not stand it and sent me two e-mails after. One of them was really pathetic. I congratulate you with being so firm. Right thing to do.