I need successful suggestions

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

11 AM Saturday morning, good morning everyone.

Different strokes for different folks, every one of us has a different method that works for them, some get fast results some good not so fast results.

During my breakup, while I was still in Florida under the same roof, day by day it became more and more difficult to function, even with thoughts of eventual escape. The worst thing I had done was remain under the same roof for so much longer. I like to believe I had no way around that which is partially true, but if I would've just pick myself up and walked out the door it would've all been totally different than it is today... .Or would it?

Well it's been several weeks, since March 19, and I hate to say that I'm sitting here 1300 miles away basically doing the same thing I did under the BPW's roof. I'm going to take just a little bit of credit here, because I did get out alive, but I do have a couple of physical ailments, one of them being a pinched nerve in my neck that started up about two weeks before I left, and I'm just getting over a really bad cold/flu that I developed here back in the north. I don't want to say I'm having a pity party, but it's like hey: I can't catch a break here!

Keeping busy during the week and being around regular people as well as my son helps me tremendously. He's 39 but has no clue what kind of pain his dad goes through. I'm walking a thin line here keeping my crap to myself as well as trying to get understanding from him without hijacking his life. It's hard. I look like crap, I feel like crap, but I know day by day I'm gaining that much more strength. Fighting the winter in the cold doesn't help, but since I grew up here I should be able to get back on the bandwagon.

I end up alone quite often, in my thoughts start running through my head, I almost feel like a detective trying to solve this case, but what the heck does that mean because it's not like I'm going back to the BPDex.

Before I start writing another essay here let me get to my point. The has got to be individuals out there that are or have been very successful in squeezing their X BPD out of their lives and getting back on track. Can you please share some of your methods. I know it's going to take time, but I really want to expedite regaining my life back. Does this make sense? I don't only want to know what to do, I'd also like to know what not to do! And just how the heck do we stop crying. Thank you.

[DyingLove]

11 AM Saturday morning, good morning everyone.

Different strokes for different folks, every one of us has a different method that works for them, some get fast results some good not so fast results.

During my breakup, while I was still in Florida under the same roof, day by day it became more and more difficult to function, even with thoughts of eventual escape. The worst thing I had done was remain under the same roof for so much longer. I like to believe I had no way around that which is partially true, but if I would've just pick myself up and walked out the door it would've all been totally different than it is today... .Or would it?

Well it's been several weeks, since March 19, and I hate to say that I'm sitting here 1300 miles away basically doing the same thing I did under the BPW's roof. I'm going to take just a little bit of credit here, because I did get out alive, but I do have a couple of physical ailments, one of them being a pinched nerve in my neck that started up about two weeks before I left, and I'm just getting over a really bad cold/flu that I developed here back in the north. I don't want to say I'm having a pity party, but it's like hey: I can't catch a break here!

Keeping busy during the week and being around regular people as well as my son helps me tremendously. He's 39 but has no clue what kind of pain his dad goes through. I'm walking a thin line here keeping my crap to myself as well as trying to get understanding from him without hijacking his life. It's hard. I look like crap, I feel like crap, but I know day by day I'm gaining that much more strength. Fighting the winter in the cold doesn't help, but since I grew up here I should be able to get back on the bandwagon.

I end up alone quite often, in my thoughts start running through my head, I almost feel like a detective trying to solve this case, but what the heck does that mean because it's not like I'm going back to the BPDex.

Before I start writing another essay here let me get to my point. The has got to be individuals out there that are or have been very successful in squeezing their X BPD out of their lives and getting back on track. Can you please share some of your methods. I know it's going to take time, but I really want to expedite regaining my life back. Does this make sense? I don't only want to know what to do, I'd also like to know what not to do! And just how the heck do we stop crying. Thank you.

[parisian]

Hi Dying Love, sorry to hear you are going through this. It is one of the most difficult things I think we will ever go through in our lives.

Keep busy. Throw yourself into fitness or nature - getting out into nature always makes problems seem smaller. Even if it is just a walk around your neighbourhood. Play music that makes you feel good and dance. Do meditation - give yourself 15 minutes of non-rumination time each day. Get back into hobbies you love or enjoyed once. Be adventurous and sign up for new things like learning a language or an instrument. Just do something whenever you feel you are starting to ruminate.

It took me months to get my ex out of my head - she doesn't live there anymore and I have evicted her for good although every now and again she sneaks back in (and I allowed a pointless 'friendship' scenario to drag on way too long). It's been six months out of the r/s for me now. Unfortunately there is no way to avoid the pain or the ruminations - like the cliche, it does just take time, but try and keep busy. I found writing and journalling incredibly helpful. Some days I filled pages. It helped just to get it all out.

Take care and remember you will heal. Just be kind to you x

[DyingLove]

Hi Dying Love, sorry to hear you are going through this. It is one of the most difficult things I think we will ever go through in our lives.

Keep busy. Throw yourself into fitness or nature - getting out into nature always makes problems seem smaller. Even if it is just a walk around your neighbourhood. Play music that makes you feel good and dance. Do meditation - give yourself 15 minutes of non-rumination time each day. Get back into hobbies you love or enjoyed once. Be adventurous and sign up for new things like learning a language or an instrument. Just do something whenever you feel you are starting to ruminate.

It took me months to get my ex out of my head - she doesn't live there anymore and I have evicted her for good although every now and again she sneaks back in (and I allowed a pointless 'friendship' scenario to drag on way too long). It's been six months out of the r/s for me now. Unfortunately there is no way to avoid the pain or the ruminations - like the cliche, it does just take time, but try and keep busy. I found writing and journalling incredibly helpful. Some days I filled pages. It helped just to get it all out.

Take care and remember you will heal. Just be kind to you x

Do you find that things like writing "KEEP" you roped into same old ways and habits?  I enjoy reading and learning more about all this stuff... .but I'm I just suckering myself in deeper and deeper with no way out?  I really get confused for a smart guy.  Thanks Parisian.

[sun seeker]

 Hello Dying

Sorry you are hurting my friend. I not so long ago was in this same place mentally.

Im glad to hear you had a safe trip up north , I remember your posts. I dont know if you remember but I had back spasms while in my BPD r/s. A couple visits to the chiropractor ,  messages strict n/c this all went away.

What I relized about talking with friends amd family. At first I just unloaded my story on them. And some "friends" didnt want to hear this. But I noticed if I said " hey I really need to talk about  whats going with me if you have some free time lets grab lunch."  They already know something is wrong with us. (Its really obvious to those who really know us.) They should know for one thing and you dont want them making assumptions about whats wrong with us. My brothers wife actually took it upon herself to google BPD when she told me she did this it made me feel cared about.( my dexBPDgf constantly said no one cares about me I started to believe her ) we had lengthy BPD educated conversations.  My brothers wife's mother is a  retired registered nurse of 50 yrs and when she found out she sat me down and had a stern talk with me. And str8 up told me to run!

What helped me get to where i am today. N/c of course, sharing on this board, talking with family and friends, keepping busy( hard with an injury I know all to well) clean living space, educating my self on BPD(my ex was diagnosed BPD) , not nurturing negative thoughts( how horrible my dexBPDgf said I was constantly , it just wasn't true). Eating as healthy as possible, getting out of the house , catching women checking me out (really helped me feel desirable which was eroded ) taking full responsibility for MY part In the R/S, and seeing a T . Bottom line we all allowed this to happen .

It is a long hard raod and it is well worth the effort! You will be ok my friend stay strong and stay n/c .

[DyingLove]

Hello Dying

Sorry you are hurting my friend. I not so long ago was in this same place mentally.

Im glad to hear you had a safe trip up north , I remember your posts. I dont know if you remember but I had back spasms while in my BPD r/s. A couple visits to the chiropractor ,  messages strict n/c this all went away.

What I relized about talking with friends amd family. At first I just unloaded my story on them. And some "friends" didnt want to hear this. But I noticed if I said " hey I really need to talk about  whats going with me if you have some free time lets grab lunch."  They already know something is wrong with us. (Its really obvious to those who really know us.) They should know for one thing and you dont want them making assumptions about whats wrong with us. My brothers wife actually took it upon herself to google BPD when she told me she did this it made me feel cared about.( my dexBPDgf constantly said no one cares about me I started to believe her). My brothers wife's mother is a  retired registered nurse of 50 yrs and when she found out she sat me down and had a stern talk with me. And str8 up told me to run!

What helped me get to where i am today. N/c of course, sharing on this board, talking with family and friends, keepping busy( hard with an injury I know all to well) clean living space, educating my self on BPD(my ex was diagnosed BPD) , not nurturing negative thoughts( how horrible my dexBPDgf said I was constantly , it just wasn't true). Eating as healthy as possible, getting out of the house , catching women checking me out (really helped me feel desirable which was eroded )

It is a long hard raod and it is well worth the effort! You will be ok my friend stay strong and stay n/c .

Thank you sun seeker. I don't remember your back spasms. Forgive me for that. I guess stress manifests itself in many ugly ways. As far as no contact goes, I have not been in touch with her and she has not been in touch with me. I even posted in another message somewhere that I feel kind of slighted that I get the normal BPD treatment. I feel like she's still manipulating me by not contacting me. The only contact we had, which wasn't really contact, was on 19 March when she discovered that I was gone at the end of the day, there was one text saying:  "So, I guess your not here." And then there was a phone call about 30 seconds later which I did not answer and there was no message. I guess I want her to suffer as bad as I am this way I could say YES! And then on the other hand of course I still love her. Sometimes I look around on Facebook for little traces of her life or telltales from some friends and family. I did find one little mention of her from one of her work friends and that entire evening I felt like crap. But I asked for it, I went looking forward, I found it, and then I had to deal with it. My situation makes it pretty difficult right now to feel hundred percent about myself. I'm staying in my sons shop, I don't have a shower or bath so I'm always dependent on finding somebody that will let me use there's, the clothing situation as well as my personal hygiene suffers also. Right now I feel that if I could just shake this pinched nerve and the related pain and numbness in my left arm and shoulder, that I would be able to take one step forward. On the other hand without that pain I realized that I just might be happy ruminating all this crap in my head again. It's kinda like the movie with Burt Reynolds called the end. He attempted to drown himself out of the ocean and when he got there he changed his mind. Not knowing whether he could swim back to shore he kept promising God a percentage of everything in his life and he started off with the maximum and by time he got to shore he reduced the promises. Was a really funny movie. But when you have less going wrong in your life it seems to make more room for the piddly things.

[parisian]

Do you find that things like writing "KEEP" you roped into same old ways and habits?  I enjoy reading and learning more about all this stuff... .but I'm I just suckering myself in deeper and deeper with no way out?  I really get confused for a smart guy.  Thanks Parisian.

At first it probably did, but I really needed to write everything out. Try doing some of the exercises on the site about recovery. Try writing down new goals. Try expressing grattitude. Doing the self-work from the tools / exercises on here really helped too and that was a useful part of the writing .

[Suzn]

Hi DyingLove  

So glad to hear you are in a better place, home with your family.

But when you have less going wrong in your life it seems to make more room for the piddly things.

Yes, when you have less chaos, things can get rough. We get addicted to that chaos, the constant adrenaline rushes. We actually go through a withdrawal period, it's normal. Getting busy physically can help with the body aches and a healthier over all sense of well being. But we also want to start processing what happened and acknowledging our feelings.

Where do you feel you may be on the stages of Detachment? You can find this on the right of your screen. --->

[sun seeker]

 You are welcome.

Thats a tuff situation . You have to realize it could be worse buddy.   Your son obvIously loves you. 

  Our exBPD are living a life of suffuring  this never goes away. Ares WILL. 

  I search fb and googled my exBPDgf as well . This is not a good idea as you know realize. .

Take it one day at a time. And try your best to look at the bright side of things. Good luck Dying we are all here talk and we completely understand...

[DyingLove]

Hi DyingLove  

So glad to hear you are in a better place, home with your family.

But when you have less going wrong in your life it seems to make more room for the piddly things.

Yes, when you have less chaos, things can get rough. We get addicted to that chaos, the constant adrenaline rushes. We actually go through a withdrawal period, it's normal. Getting busy physically can help with the body aches and a healthier over all sense of well being. But we also want to start processing what happened and acknowledging our feelings.

Where do you feel you may be on the stages of Detachment? You can find this on the right of your screen. --->

Seems like I've "kinda" made it to #4 but a WEAK 4.  I can start doing stuff, and occasionally get really Psyched up about it. I've definitely not made it to the freedom part whatsoever. Like I says I'm playing detective sometimes in my own head wanting to come across things that I'm trying to forget. I am beginning to understand that the part I'm missing is really a fantasy of what I would have liked things to be like. I still see her face, I still see her walking around wiggling her body, I hear her call me baby and honey and tell me how she loves kissing me. And then I see the black shark eyes and the mean expression on her face, I see her pass me by like I don't exist, and all the other cold harsh inconsiderate hurtful things that she painted me with.

Facebook is where we met, and now it's something entirely different including a mind fu*k. As much as I try not to check in on Facebook, I find that it sucks me right in. So I love everything about her and I hate everything about her and I guess it's because I gave her my heart and soul and she used it like a diving board.

[DyingLove]

You are welcome.

Thats a tuff situation . You have to realize it could be worse buddy.   Your son obvIously loves you. 

  Our exBPD are living a life of suffuring  this never goes away. Ares WILL. 

  I search fb and googled my exBPDgf as well . This is not a good idea as you know realize. .

Take it one day at a time. And try your best to look at the bright side of things. Good luck Dying we are all here talk and we completely understand...

Thank you sun seeker. I know my boy loves me and sometimes he has no way to control how he shows it.

The funny thing about Facebook was upon our breakup out of anger I blocked her, then because of that she blocked me and I unblocked her. So I feel the guilt of wrongfully blocking her and then she blocked me and once again I feel bad because of that. But do I really want communication on Facebook with her. The smart part of me realizes that eventually I will have to shave away all of her in my life. As our breakup began she mentioned that she needed time. I thought she meant just some space or a little distancing but she meant for us to part. She also said to me that she feels on the inside like a little schoolgirl who might get back together with me in the years to come. She mentioned something like that not far not exact. I think of that at times and it's almost like the thread that might be holding us together and then I think of all the bad things again and realize it could never be. So it's this constant roller coaster of crappy thoughts.

[Suzn]

I am beginning to understand that the part I'm missing is really a fantasy of what I would have liked things to be like.

This is a great observation. Being idolized is a powerful draw, it's validating, it feels good.

So the fantasy of what we want things to be like generally stems back to realizing we were missing something when we were first drawn into the relationship. Were we lonely, vulnerable for other reasons such as low self esteem, low self worth, etc... ?

[apollotech]

"But do I really want communication on Facebook with her. The smart part of me realizes that eventually I will have to shave away all of her in my life."

Dying,

I hate that you are having all of these troubles my friend. Ending a relationship/marriage is bad enough. The medical issues just compound everything.

I quoted your material above because I think you're setting an unrealistic goal for yourself. That goal could delay your recovery. Good or bad, she was/is a part of your life. If you are healthy, you cannot remove her. Yes, you can stop contact and all of that, but you can't wipe her clean from your life. In my humble opinion, you shouldn't attempt that. Hell, use her, use your memories of her, the relationship, to drive you to better yourself.

I use my BPDexgf's communications with me to desensitize me regarding her. I terminated our 8 month relationship in early Feb. I went strict NC on my end; she did not. She is not blocked on any communications avenue (I highly recommend blocking your ex if she is triggering you emotionally.). NC will expedite the healing process. I had accepted that the relationship with my BPDexgf wasn't going to work when I terminated the relationship; therefore, I was actually in recovery when the relationship ended. She sends me a text about once a week. Some of her texts are just feelers checking the attachment. Some of her texts are very vicious--projecting her anger, blaming me for the relationship's failure, boasting about how happy she is with my replacement, etc., the normal BPD dribble. The more that she contacts me the more that I find myself simply not responsive. Right after the b/u, she was still able to trigger me emotionally (Again, I do not recommend alloying this.). But now, several weeks later, she can't get a bump out of me emotionally. She is essentially desensitizing me regarding her. My goal is to reach complete indifference regarding her. At that point she can no longer affect me. I am not there yet, but I am on the path.

Stay strong my friend. Godspeed on receiving relief from all issues.

[JPH]

Regarding the part about squeezing the BPD-ex from my life, she gave me no choice. Once the false criminal charges began as part of the smear campaign, I knew I'd never communicate with her again. I changed my number to an unlisted one, avoided places where I might run into her (even if they were places I wanted to go), tried to be around others (for alibis among other reasons), and eventually moved three hours away to be free of her.

About working on and taking care of yourself, it's actually pretty easy. It begins with redirecting all of the energy and time you squandered on your ex back toward yourself. Reinvest in your relationships with old friends you may have neglected because of your ex.

Eat well. Sleep more. Adopt a workout regimen. Treat yourself to a vacation. Pick up old hobbies and interests. Read. Watch movies. Listen to music you enjoy. Enjoy the little things you may have lost sight of due to the exhaustion that comes with being involved with a Cluster B. Be good to yourself. Take care of you for a change. You'll be surprised to learn how much of yourself was lost in trying to prop up the relationship with your ex. It'll take time - it's definitely a process. You're free. You've been given a huge mulligan in life, so use it to build a better, happier life for yourself. That life starts with taking care of and loving yourself.

[DyingLove]

If I weren't totally honest here, what kind of path what I be paving for recovery. Prior to my relationship that has just gone sour, I was a business owner for 17 years. Those 17 years were with a woman that I had met in 1995. It seemed like a wonderful relationship also, nothing at all like the BPD relationship I just ended. We weren't married but we were together 17 years and she was also my business partner. In 2010, something went sour and she had met someone online from Indiana. I discovered this through her clumsiness. The demise of that relationship was the first time in my life that someone had discarded me. To make a long story short I blamed myself up and down and all around. I was a zombie for months and slowly but surely my business dissolved. Little did I know how much she had extracted from the business also and cause its demise. Slowly but surely I lifted myself towards the end of 2010, and that's when I met the BPD at the beginning of 2011. Meeting her caused me to forget all the crap of the current breakup and ex-girlfriend. So basically I got over one relationship with another relationship. It's not that I was looking for it, it just happened. Actually it didn't become anything resembling anything serious until July, so I felt that I really did not rush into anything. My business was shutting down my wallet was getting thin and I had to figure out what I was going to do with the rest of my life. Here was the wonderful opportunity, the woman who came into my life claiming to be the one. Telling me I was the last man in her life ever. That she would love me forever and be everything to me.

So there's the fantasy, that's where it started. I could still see her waiting at the airport for me in October with a look of excitement on her face as I got closer and closer and put my arms around her and we kissed for the first time. If that's fantasy than for sure I am guilty. But it sure seemed like the beginning of what was to be the last chapter of my life. So woe is me is an understatement. The last day we were to ever see one another which was March 15, I said to her: remember when you said I would be the last man in your life? She squeezed in with "it didn't work out that way", and I finally replied that at least I didn't lie! And then I walked away. No doubt she had abandonment issues, and the funny thing is in the first months we were together she had told me that she has a habit of pushing people away. What was I supposed to think at that time, I knew nothing about BPD or any type of mental disorders. Throughout the relationship there were several times that she had backed me into a corner where I had threatened to leave, and she always held those issues against me. It didn't matter that I explained to her how she cornered me and left me no choice but to lash out. The damage was done, it was my fault and no getting over that. That probably happened about four or five times through the years we were together.

I agree that the physical pain that I'm going through is somehow triggering things. I really want to get my butt outside and go for a walk yet my arm and neck are in excruciating pain. I've got a leg issue to but it's not bothering me anywhere near as bad as it used to. Even add to that the fact that it snowed today here in New York. I just want to go into refrigerator and get the other half of my meatball sub from yesterday and enjoy that comfort food. Looks like I'm going to be posting here in the BPD family for quite a while as well as reading and learning. At one point when things weren't so flared up in the relationship I actually thought it was mellowing out, little did I understand that I was just getting used to what was going on and not reacting as severely to it. You guys are all great, with your answers and related incidents. If I had to be 100% alone with no feedback and no understanding I'm not sure how I would be able to handle that. So keep those cards and letters coming kitties because I really appreciated and need it too.

[DyingLove]

Regarding the part about squeezing the BPD-ex from my life, she gave me no choice. Once the false criminal charges began as part of the smear campaign, I knew I'd never communicate with her again. I changed my number to an unlisted one, avoided places where I might run into her (even if they were places I wanted to go), tried to be around others (for alibis among other reasons), and eventually moved three hours away to be free of her.

About working on and taking care of yourself, it's actually pretty easy. It begins with redirecting all of the energy and time you squandered on your ex back toward yourself. Reinvest in your relationships with old friends you may have neglected because of your ex.

Eat well. Sleep more. Adopt a workout regimen. Treat yourself to a vacation. Pick up old hobbies and interests. Read. Watch movies. Listen to music you enjoy. Enjoy the little things you may have lost sight of due to the exhaustion that comes with being involved with a Cluster B. Be good to yourself. Take care of you for a change. You'll be surprised to learn how much of yourself was lost in trying to prop up the relationship with your ex. It'll take time - it's definitely a process. You're free. You've been given a huge mulligan in life, so use it to build a better, happier life for yourself. That life starts with taking care of and loving yourself.

It's amazing how ugly people can be whether they are afflicted with BPD or not. The other day my son invited me over his house, right now I live in his shop, and we sat and watched Judge Judy, which by the way I really don't care for but they had it on. One of the episodes involved to people obviously an ex-husband and ex-wife, and I turned and said to my son all this could be avoided if someone just loved the other. It was so ugly watching these people go back and forth and obviously it was about money but they were just so darn ugly and you couldn't even tell that one day they loved one another. In my relationship, I loved her till the end and I still do. I did everything I could in the moments that we had to show her that we were important in our love was important she just couldn't see any of this. I'll have no problem physically running into her since she is in Florida and I'm in New York now. It never developed into anything where she made false claims or call the cops or anything like that although I could have sensed something in the air when she was raging. In a sense I guess I am expecting a lot in a short period of time given the way things are right now. When I was with her in Florida I learned to not spend money, money that I did not have, and to not want or need things because they just were not important as compared to the needed things of the family so I guess in essence I learned to neglect myself worse than I ever did. Yes I am free, and when I am able to see that with open eyes clear mind and a good deep breath of fresh air, it makes me feel really good. Then some stupid little thing pops in their and spoils at all. Thank all of you for everything.

[Loosestrife]

"But do I really want communication on Facebook with her. The smart part of me realizes that eventually I will have to shave away all of her in my life."

Dying,

I hate that you are having all of these troubles my friend. Ending a relationship/marriage is bad enough. The medical issues just compound everything.

I quoted your material above because I think you're setting an unrealistic goal for yourself. That goal could delay your recovery. Good or bad, she was/is a part of your life. If you are healthy, you cannot remove her. Yes, you can stop contact and all of that, but you can't wipe her clean from your life. In my humble opinion, you shouldn't attempt that. Hell, use her, use your memories of her, the relationship, to drive you to better yourself.

I use my BPDexgf's communications with me to desensitize me regarding her. I terminated our 8 month relationship in early Feb. I went strict NC on my end; she did not. She is not blocked on any communications avenue (I highly recommend blocking your ex if she is triggering you emotionally.). NC will expedite the healing process. I had accepted that the relationship with my BPDexgf wasn't going to work when I terminated the relationship; therefore, I was actually in recovery when the relationship ended. She sends me a text about once a week. Some of her texts are just feelers checking the attachment. Some of her texts are very vicious--projecting her anger, blaming me for the relationship's failure, boasting about how happy she is with my replacement, etc., the normal BPD dribble. The more that she contacts me the more that I find myself simply not responsive. Right after the b/u, she was still able to trigger me emotionally (Again, I do not recommend alloying this.). But now, several weeks later, she can't get a bump out of me emotionally. She is essentially desensitizing me regarding her. My goal is to reach complete indifference regarding her. At that point she can no longer affect me. I am not there yet, but I am on the path.

Stay strong my friend. Godspeed on receiving relief from all issues.

Just out of interest, how did you end it and what did you say?

[DyingLove]

On February 7 we had an argument. I won't get into that. But it was quiet all evening long with lots and lots of tension in the air. February 8 rolls along and we had words, it wasn't going any better she was stuck in fast-forward. Somewhere in during our dialogue she told me that if I don't like it here I could leave. Once again she said that with hate and disgust in her voice and attitude. My response to her was that I know I could leave if I wanted to. She turned around and looked at me and leaned into me with a heartless expression and said: PROVE IT! At that point I just could not contain myself so I got up went into the bedroom and started emptying out my closet. Within a half hour I realized that I was venting and going through the motions. My blood pressure was probably at an all-time high and I don't remember what else had transpired in those approximate minutes except that I calmed down and actually was trying to turn off the decision that I was following. I know after that she said something that made it very difficult for me to back down. So there I was emptying out the closet and trying to make decisions on the fly. There was no talking to this woman. There was no planning for our future, there was no sitting and having wonderful talks and discussions till the wee hours of the night, there just was no communication with her. That in itself makes me wonder why the heck I am so flustered about things right now. She does not deserve me, and I know there is somebody out there who does.

[Noah]

If I weren't totally honest here, what kind of path what I be paving for recovery. Prior to my relationship that has just gone sour, I was a business owner for 17 years. Those 17 years were with a woman that I had met in 1995. It seemed like a wonderful relationship also, nothing at all like the BPD relationship I just ended. We weren't married but we were together 17 years and she was also my business partner. In 2010, something went sour and she had met someone online from Indiana. I discovered this through her clumsiness. The demise of that relationship was the first time in my life that someone had discarded me. To make a long story short I blamed myself up and down and all around. I was a zombie for months and slowly but surely my business dissolved. Little did I know how much she had extracted from the business also and cause its demise. Slowly but surely I lifted myself towards the end of 2010, and that's when I met the BPD at the beginning of 2011. Meeting her caused me to forget all the crap of the current breakup and ex-girlfriend. So basically I got over one relationship with another relationship. It's not that I was looking for it, it just happened. Actually it didn't become anything resembling anything serious until July, so I felt that I really did not rush into anything. My business was shutting down my wallet was getting thin and I had to figure out what I was going to do with the rest of my life. Here was the wonderful opportunity, the woman who came into my life claiming to be the one. Telling me I was the last man in her life ever. That she would love me forever and be everything to me.

So there's the fantasy, that's where it started. I could still see her waiting at the airport for me in October with a look of excitement on her face as I got closer and closer and put my arms around her and we kissed for the first time. If that's fantasy than for sure I am guilty. But it sure seemed like the beginning of what was to be the last chapter of my life. So woe is me is an understatement. The last day we were to ever see one another which was March 15, I said to her: remember when you said I would be the last man in your life? She squeezed in with "it didn't work out that way", and I finally replied that at least I didn't lie! And then I walked away. No doubt she had abandonment issues, and the funny thing is in the first months we were together she had told me that she has a habit of pushing people away. What was I supposed to think at that time, I knew nothing about BPD or any type of mental disorders. Throughout the relationship there were several times that she had backed me into a corner where I had threatened to leave, and she always held those issues against me. It didn't matter that I explained to her how she cornered me and left me no choice but to lash out. The damage was done, it was my fault and no getting over that. That probably happened about four or five times through the years we were together.

I agree that the physical pain that I'm going through is somehow triggering things. I really want to get my butt outside and go for a walk yet my arm and neck are in excruciating pain. I've got a leg issue to but it's not bothering me anywhere near as bad as it used to. Even add to that the fact that it snowed today here in New York. I just want to go into refrigerator and get the other half of my meatball sub from yesterday and enjoy that comfort food. Looks like I'm going to be posting here in the BPD family for quite a while as well as reading and learning. At one point when things weren't so flared up in the relationship I actually thought it was mellowing out, little did I understand that I was just getting used to what was going on and not reacting as severely to it. You guys are all great, with your answers and related incidents. If I had to be 100% alone with no feedback and no understanding I'm not sure how I would be able to handle that. So keep those cards and letters coming kitties because I really appreciated and need it too.

Once you give yourself some time for clarity, i bet you'll discover some similar characteristics in both of these women.  A T can help you figure out why you are picking the women you pick and hopefully help you restore your self confidence and fix your picker.  We ALL have been there.

[Suzn]

Slowly but surely I lifted myself towards the end of 2010, and that's when I met the BPD at the beginning of 2011. Meeting her caused me to forget all the crap of the current breakup and ex-girlfriend. So basically I got over one relationship with another relationship. It's not that I was looking for it, it just happened.

There's the hook, it resembles a lot of our stories DyingLove. You were vulnerable, you didn't allow yourself time to grieve a 17 year relationship, 17 years is a long time! Not to mention closing a business. That's big, heavy stuff.

Emotions will wait for you to deal with them, sometimes just under your skin. They don't just go away.

I agree that self care is important right now. Be kind to yourself during this time. Physical symptoms are there to help us see when we need to rest. You are emotionally depleted, it will take time to re-coop. 

[apollotech]

"Just out of interest, how did you end it and what did you say?"

Loose,

I don't know if your question was directed at me, but since you quoted me I assume that it was. I didn't say anything or give any reason upon terminating the relationship. I simply stopped responding to all communication.

She had me triangulated with an exbf. I had expressed my displeasure with the situation in a polite way. She, of course, would not accept that she was the problem in said scenario. Her accounting had/has him as the problem. Also in a polite manner, I told her that when my hope dried up that our relationship would right itself, I would be gone. Her unacceptable behavior continued, and I kept my word. (There was the whole range of BPD behavior concentrated over our 8 month relationship as well, but this was the jump light.)

I was grocery shopping one night and she called me raging over the phone about a very trivial matter (Her rage was not directed at me.). At that moment, for whatever reason, clarity came: I accepted that there would never be peace with this woman. That was in early Feb., and that was the last time that we spoke verbally. With the exception of a very few necessary text communications on my end, I have been strict NC. Our relationship goes all the way back to childhood (There is a 32 year seperation in there.). This is not what I chose, but I saw no other alternative but to get out. I had no idea she was/is mentally unhealthy until our romance started. We had a friendship before, and a very good one, now we have nothing.

She will text me about once a week with the dribble mentioned in my other post. What she has omitted in all post b/u communication is asking me why I stopped talking to her. She knows the answer, but she is unwilling/unable to accept responsibility for it. This is not to say that she doesn't project her guilt/anger/blame onto me in some texts. It is a very bad situation all around. I am trying to figure out some way to frame some type of relationship between us that we'd both be safe in (I am now a trigger to her.). As of right now, my thoughts on this matter have failed me.

[DyingLove]

Slowly but surely I lifted myself towards the end of 2010, and that's when I met the BPD at the beginning of 2011. Meeting her caused me to forget all the crap of the current breakup and ex-girlfriend. So basically I got over one relationship with another relationship. It's not that I was looking for it, it just happened.

There's the hook, it resembles a lot of our stories DyingLove. You were vulnerable, you didn't allow yourself time to grieve a 17 year relationship, 17 years is a long time! Not to mention closing a business. That's big, heavy stuff.

Emotions will wait for you to deal with them, sometimes just under your skin. They don't just go away.

I agree that self care is important right now. Be kind to yourself during this time. Physical symptoms are there to help us see when we need to rest. You are emotionally depleted, it will take time to re-coop. 

The hook. Thank you Suzn.

I can understand that seems I've had a few in my mouth over the years. You know it doesn't seem like I'd have to say to myself take it easy or 17 years is a long time and that's because it just comes at you. Your closing the business was a very big deal it's not like I had a Walmart but it was enough. I was told that she wasn't doing the business right either which at this point I have some anger for. It was a small business in a small area but figure after 17 years all I walked away with was about $20,000 which didn't last very long in the new relationship at all. I just woke up from a nap and actually felt good I haven't had one in a while. I am going to take it easy, I already feel the itching under my skin to get hold of a woman, not necessarily to fall in love and have kids or anything crazy like that but just because I love women and I also feel the need for some feminine touch in my life. I know it's a ways off but... .All is great input here- it's funny because as much as I value every word I've read, as much as I value the human responses that have come to my aid, as much as I'll never forget any of you, I wish I could turn it all off right now.

[StarOfTheSea]

Hi DL,

What I found that helps me is to  focus on the negatives and all the bad feelings I experienced with my exBPDbf. Then I ask myself, 'Remember how that felt? Remember what he said that hurt? Now think of being back in that... .how would that feel?'

After my b/u I had an excruciating ovarian cyst and coping with the pain made me really focus on being back in tune with my body and taking care of myself, something I neglected during the time I was with him. Like I was in so much pain I had no mental effort to spare for any thoughts of the ex and could only focus on me. Get back in touch with things you gave up while trying to keep her happy. You get to 'do' you now.

Recovering from a BPD relationship is such a mind f$#&. We see them moving on ( inappropriately) and looking happy, etc while we're dealing with the emotional fallout. We go through the grieving process because we've lost a love, hopes, dreams and our plans for the future. They can't face those emotions so they run from it and never deal it. As much as it hurts us, we're healthier and we triumph in the end.

As far as your desire to date, that could be a way to heal. Not that you want anything serious, but casual dating is a total self esteem boost if you're ready for it. After our b/u and as a result of his devaluing I felt 'less than'. Casual dating reminded me that I'm still an attractive, vibrant, desirable woman and that I can relate and connect with men other than my ex.

Sorry if I rambled. And I'm sorry that you're going through this hell. Please stick around, you will learn so much from the BPD family and it's a comfort to know we don't have to go through this alone.

[DyingLove]

Hi DL,

What I found that helps me is to  focus on the negatives and all the bad feelings I experienced with my exBPDbf. Then I ask myself, 'Remember how that felt? Remember what he said that hurt? Now think of being back in that... .how would that feel?'

After my b/u I had an excruciating ovarian cyst and coping with the pain made me really focus on being back in tune with my body and taking care of myself, something I neglected during the time I was with him. Like I was in so much pain I had no mental effort to spare for any thoughts of the ex and could only focus on me. Get back in touch with things you gave up while trying to keep her happy. You get to 'do' you now.

Recovering from a BPD relationship is such a mind f$#&. We see them moving on ( inappropriately) and looking happy, etc while we're dealing with the emotional fallout. We go through the grieving process because we've lost a love, hopes, dreams and our plans for the future. They can't face those emotions so they run from it and never deal it. As much as it hurts us, we're healthier and we triumph in the end.

As far as your desire to date, that could be a way to heal. Not that you want anything serious, but casual dating is a total self esteem boost if you're ready for it. After our b/u and as a result of his devaluing I felt 'less than'. Casual dating reminded me that I'm still an attractive, vibrant, desirable woman and that I can relate and connect with men other than my ex.

Sorry if I rambled. And I'm sorry that you're going through this hell. Please stick around, you will learn so much from the BPD family and it's a comfort to know we don't have to go through this alone.

Thank you StarOfTheSea... .that was GOOD!  I will work on the automatic response of "how did that make me feel".  I've been feeling that, but not by choice... .it's part of the rollercoaster.  I think if I can make it automatic... .it would help!  Thanks for sharing about the dating too.  Happy easter... .maybe I'll make a friend at the buffet today! :-)

[Suzn]

Caution... .this

about dating.  maybe I'll make a friend at the buffet today

Is how you landed here

Slowly but surely I lifted myself towards the end of 2010, and that's when I met the BPD at the beginning of 2011. Meeting her caused me to forget all the crap of the current breakup and ex-girlfriend. So basically I got over one relationship with another relationship. It's not that I was looking for it, it just happened.

wash, rinse, repeat... .this is a cycle.

Stepping back and learning to self sooth, instead of dating to sooth your pain, is an important part of being able to break this cycle and to learn about your emotional availability.

[DyingLove]

Caution... .this

about dating.  maybe I'll make a friend at the buffet today

Is how you landed here

Slowly but surely I lifted myself towards the end of 2010, and that's when I met the BPD at the beginning of 2011. Meeting her caused me to forget all the crap of the current breakup and ex-girlfriend. So basically I got over one relationship with another relationship. It's not that I was looking for it, it just happened.

wash, rinse, repeat... .this is a cycle.

Stepping back and learning to self sooth, instead of dating to sooth your pain, is an important part of being able to break this cycle and to learn about your emotional availability.

I don't think I know how to self soothe! I've sat down to more meals then I've stepped up to relationships.  So knowing what to do at the meal table is easier for me... .while knowing all the idiocyncracies of why I do things isn't as obvious all the time.  I'll gladly welcome suggestions.

[Suzn]

Self soothing is finding something that makes you feel better, comfortable or nurtured so that you can help yourself through tough times. A grieving period, such as what you're going through, is one of those times. Using mindfulness while engaging in an activity that you choose brings you to the present moment, it helps center you.

Here are a few examples however you can develop your own individual activities since you know what you enjoy best.

Take a walk, while walking notice the view. Notice the trees, animals, the wind across your face, how your toes feel in your shoes, etc... .

Take a hot shower. Notice how the water feels as it hits your head and falls down your skin. Use soaps that have a scent you like.

Watch a movie you've wanted to see or read a book.

Wear comfortable, soft clothes. Or wrap up in soft blankets and wear soft pjs at night, maybe silk.

Take a nap.

Make yourself something you enjoy to eat. Or treat yourself to take out.

Go to a bookstore, notice the atmosphere as you browse, get a coffee, enjoy the flavor.

Treat yourself to a haircut.

You can mix and match some of these techniques and there are tons of others. You'll notice that most of these involve your senses such as touch and smell, find ways to involve all your senses. This is a time to be kind to you. 

[DyingLove]

Self soothing is finding something that makes you feel better, comfortable or nurtured so that you can help yourself through tough times. A grieving period, such as what you're going through, is one of those times. Using mindfulness while engaging in an activity that you choose brings you to the present moment, it helps center you.

Here are a few examples however you can develop your own individual activities since you know what you enjoy best.

Take a walk, while walking notice the view. Notice the trees, animals, the wind across your face, how your toes feel in your shoes, etc... .

Take a hot shower. Notice how the water feels as it hits your head and falls down your skin. Use soaps that have a scent you like.

Watch a movie you've wanted to see or read a book.

Wear comfortable, soft clothes. Or wrap up in soft blankets and wear soft pjs at night, maybe silk.

Take a nap.

Make yourself something you enjoy to eat. Or treat yourself to take out.

Go to a bookstore, notice the atmosphere as you browse, get a coffee, enjoy the flavor.

Treat yourself to a haircut.

You can mix and match some of these techniques and there are tons of others. You'll notice that most of these involve your senses such as touch and smell, find ways to involve all your senses. This is a time to be kind to you. 

Thank you for the soothing suggestions.  It's been so long.  Today I did go to Easter Buffet with my Friend Bob, his Gal Sue and Sues parents.  It was wonderful.  I almost didn't go because I felt crappy and also like a drag.  When I got to the place, people recognized me, and they were very welcoming and I just was feeling so good for quite a while. Prior, I wasn't hungry and felt so bloated and uncomfortable in my digestion. While there I ate and enjoyed every drop!  I did PUSH myself to go... .knowing that it would be the best thing that I could do. There was no one there to feel inappropriate about either... .so it was soothing.  Thanks Suzn for your great examples... .I've forgotten how to care about me.

[StarOfTheSea]

That's awesome that you pushed yourself to go out today, DL! It's so easy to isolate ourselves while we go  through all these emotions but being around others can help to get back to a sense of normalcy. Trying to stick to as normal a routine as I can really helps me feel a little less like my world has been torn apart.

[Suzn]

When I got to the place, people recognized me, and they were very welcoming and I just was feeling so good for quite a while.

Glad to hear you had a great time reconnecting with old friends. Good times!  

A sense of belonging with friends is a big deal. A lot of us became quite isolated in our relationships, we forget about our friends and how it feels to be a part of a social circle.

[DyingLove]

That's awesome that you pushed yourself to go out today, DL! It's so easy to isolate ourselves while we go  through all these emotions but being around others can help to get back to a sense of normalcy. Trying to stick to as normal a routine as I can really helps me feel a little less like my world has been torn apart.

I really did have to push.  I actually texted my buddy at first that I wasn't going... .then I just felt like I was avoiding the situation and should get my ass out.  I was so happy that I did.  I feel really crappy this morning though... .was so hard to get out of bed as well as a "REALISTIC" dream I had about the ex (I rarely have those), and I don't know if I was crying in my dream or in my sleep or what.  So, looking forward to today getting better... .chiropractic appt today too... .this numb weak arm is another dealbreaker.  Thank you Star of the Sea and Suzn.  Your support is heartfelt.