Explaining my story, and my struggles.

[lillian2005]

I thought i would open a new topic to explain my story in detail and give you guys an insight on the situations I'v been struggling with.

My fiance is what i believe has BPD, his emotions are a mess, and when his emotions turn 360 degree and i mean by rapidly changes immediately, it is also frustrating and stressing for us none BPD too.

When i first met my fiance i wanted to be careful in what type of relationship i'm going into, i wanted to be very cautious because i was engaged before. I come from a very traditional background. Were my community is highly traditional and getting engaged is a early step in the beginning of a relationship. So iv been engaged before, and i didn't want to go through a heart break again. And so when i first met my current fiance now i was frightened and had anxiety in starting a new relationship with him, but i took the chance with lots of convincing and said to myself no matter what i am going to open my heart again and give some one a chance.

Before i told my traditional parents about my fiance, i dated him for 4 months to be extra careful, i literally had a list of boxes to tick, to trace any faults in this guy, i was scared to trust again.

He was very nice calm and he idealized me very much, i thought wow his the one, i have finally met some one that is considerate. He was funny kind calm understanding ect. i slowly fell in love, deeper and deeper and so deep that i never thought i could actually adore someone so much.

As our relationship got deeper, he became a lot possessive, with guy friends, and clothing, i don't wear revealing clothing but if i have before I will never hear the end of it, he was jealous of my close girl friend. I don't really hang out with guys but i have colleges and he was even jealous of them. I would explain there just friends relax after Uni hours i don't see them or talk to them.

A month after we got into a deep intimate relationship i noticed every week he had something he was very angry about, and will not solve it and move on, he will literally stay on the phone for 4 hours frustrated with high anxiety and will dis-regulate, nearly every argument he wants to break off the relationship, and most situations were so small i just couldn't believe it and i will sit behind the phone and giggle to myself. and i would think is this normal? His rages are over the top when he sees i'm not giving him his way, he would devalue me and push it to the limit, ill be so patient because i know his a different person and he will calm down and realize what he did. These arguments were like someone pulling my heart out, and i just can't handle it. And it literally now happens every 4 to 7 days and i have not had a peaceful month and i'm just emotionally exhausted.

He also has high level of anxiety, now these anxieties happened since early ages of dating and he will tell me he has anxiety and does't know why but i took it lightly, i wish i didn't, our other major issue is that he has a very hard time forgetting my past, he has high anxiety from it and he can never seem to get over my previous relationship. I'v been stuck on that situation for months, and he still carries on my past with us.

When we are together hanging out or on a day out together, we have the best of fun to the point i look at him and think 'you are worth the fight for me to stick around and for me to put up with this' He is honestly the best company i'v ever had and ever will have, i love him dearly and when where together its like no one can separate us because of how happy we are. And as soon we go home and his out of my site, his mind starts playing up and there's a whole new issue and he wants to break off the relationship again. And i just don't every understand how can someones mood turn to a 360 degree in less then one day.

He has tried so many times to approach a break up and when it comes to the crunch he just wont do it, I get confused because he swears that he does't want this relationship anymore and he says i bring him all these dramas and that i make him feel like this. And when he comes to the point of leaving he does't do it, This literally happens every week, for the dumbest reasons, he accuses me of lying (trust issues) not doing things i said i would, and my past. He tries to leave to the point i think will he ever leave or does he build up this tension of leaving me and then he just doesn't have the strength to do it, i don't get it.

And when we are happy together he tells me, 'i know i can be dumb sometimes and tell you i want to break it off but deep down i don't and i know i wont find this type of relationship anywhere and yours the most amazing person and you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, please don't leave me or give up on me'

and then the cycle continues with a new or same issue and his pushing me away again and telling me he doesn't want this relationship anymore... .


I'm at the point where i'm emotionally exhausted, I'm tired of this repeats and i'm tired of crying and i'm tired of his dysregulating actions, i never signed up for a relationship like this, i never expected this, i never knew this could happen, it's scaring me, I'v lost hope in him, I'v lost trust, is it going to stop? will he ease up? Will he wake up to himself and realize the deal his causing me? I know from now if i leave I'm going to be depressed as well, i adore this guy, i adore his good side his happy side his lovable side and his romantic side, i adore everything, except his BPD, it's getting in the way, he refuses therapy, and i feel helpless.

I'm dying inside, i can't live without him and i can't live with his other personality. His a troubled soul that's been hurt and is letting it out on me.

Is this relationship going to last or am i dreaming things will get better?

Whats the results of these dysregulations do they at the end of doing it so many times quit on the relationship?

It's so sad he showed me this side of him when it was too late... .

[getting_better]

Thanks for sharing, Lillian.  I feel compelled to respond to in the hopes that my story will help you during this time of critical decision-making for you.  

I have been married to my BPD wife for 23 years.  We have now been separated for nine months, and I will be filing for divorce within the coming days. She has many of the qualities you've described in your fiancee.  She's so funny, intelligent, warm, caring, affectionate, etc. etc.  But she can also be manipulative, hateful, raging, insulting, and emotionally abusive.  You mentioned that your fiancee can go 4 hours on the phone - raging.  I've often been astounded at my wife's capacity and energy for conflict.  She can go on for days!  I marvel at how it never seems to exhaust her like it does me. So many of the things you mention that your fiancee says to you about "not giving up on him" are exactly what she has said to me over many years.

Last year our 17-year old son attempted suicide. Fortunately his life was saved and he ended up in an inpatient facility.  :)uring one of the family therapy sessions he was finally completely honest with his mom when he said to her with a raised voice, "I can't live with you and I can't live without you!  It's ripping me apart inside!"  Horrifically, his 19-year old brother - who had suffered from major depressive disorder and anxiety (much of which swirled around his relationship with his mother) - killed himself just a few days later.  We are still reeling from the tragedies of last year in our family, and we will never be the same.

As can often be the case with those who struggle with personality disorders, my wife fell into addiction over the last 6-7 years.  She would take six percocet, 2 oxycontin, and several muscle relaxers every single day.  Her incoherence, fuzzy thinking, and slurred speech added to the incredible levels of anxiety and cognitive impairment that had become our everyday reality.  

I was in a living nightmare and didn't get out until my sons sent me a clear message that something had to change.

Now I'm doing just that - finding the courage to change.  I repeat the serenity prayer to myself every day: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

May you find the right path for you, my friend.  I will be praying for you.