What do you make of this?

[FlSunshineGirl]

When my dexBPDbf were together, he claimed to be Catholic. I'm non-denomination-Christian with a baptist background.

He stopped going to Catholic Church and started going to a non-denom one because of me.

I hooked him up with two good Christian male elders from my church because he was struggling to make male friends.

He was attending two different men's groups from these elders, but when we had a fight or he painted me black, he stopped going to the groups.

He also would cancel his therapy sessions that I was encouraging him to go to when we had a fight.

So after our break up and I went NC back in January, the one elder who really liked him kept trying to call and get together with him. He ignored his calls and texts for a long time.

Finally, I heard from one of the elders at my church that he had heard from him.

This was right before he contacted me for the first time since the break up in March.

My ex tried to contact me at the beginning of March, then again a week after that first contact. I still haven't responded to either.

I heard from the other elder that he saw my ex last night and he was doing well.

I'm not sure what to make of all this. He pushed everyone away, now he's back in contact with them. Wondering if it's because he is trying to get me back in contact with him?

He was never religious until I started getting into church, then he was. (Mirroring)

When he was hanging out and talking to this girl (I suspect my replacement now) he had stopped all contact with these elders.

So I felt this was just an aspect of my personality he picked up to try to be what I wanted.

Now he's in contact.

I guess what I'm wanting to know is if this could be because he's moved on and now is trying to establish a life to show the replacement he actually has a life of his own?

Or it's his was of reaching out and trying to feel connected to me since he feels cut off?

I know he and the replacement were on then had a falling out, now seem to be talking again.

Thoughts?

[fromheeltoheal]

My ex turned to lots of things, religion, personal development, fitness, counseling, random sex, all motivated by her pain and a desire to find a way out, which I credit her for, plus I've done my share of those things on my way to personal bliss too, so I can relate to an extent.

So assuming he's still looking for solution, maybe he found some value in interacting with the elder, it made him feel good, and it sounds like the attachment he formed after you is going through its cycles and is not soothing so well, so he's turning to something that had sorta worked in the past.  And borderlines don't like to let go of attachments, that's the core of the disorder, the abandonment, so maybe a connection to the elder is a connection to you too in his head.  I don't think it's appropriate to assign an agenda and a plan to a borderline, it's more like reacting to the emotions of the moment in real time, but you know this guy, so maybe he would have intent beyond reaction.

So what does this mean for you Sunshine?  If you enjoy going to your church and see value there, is his reinvolvement going to get in the way of that?

[FlSunshineGirl]

Thank you for responding. I'm always trying to make sense if his actions. Which as we all know too well, their actions make no sense most of the time.

For what it means to me... .he had only been to my church two times. I'm really hoping he doesn't start coming again.

When I heard from the elder that he saw my ex last night, it made me feel sick to my stomach. I wished I hadn't introduced him to these two men if it's going to mean I'm continually hearing about him.

I am at the point now where I'm just trying to let go and move on and heal.

So hearing his name pop up from time to time makes me cringe.

The thought crossed my mind to find another church if I start seeing him regularly at mine.

I hate to do that because I really love the people and the teaching.

But I also want to heal.

I'm wanting a clean break, but there is this tie to him now thru church, and also our dad's are friends. So I've heard his name mentioned from my dad as well.

I did tell my parents that things have ended and I don't want any further contact with him. 

Since the break up I think him and his dad (and the replacement) have played golf with my dad a few times. Ugh!

[fromheeltoheal]

That's tough Sunshine, relationships leave traces and sometimes we wish they would just go away, it would be easier.  I just got a promo flier in the mail for a theater that stages musical productions, promoting its new series, and I got it because I had taken my ex to a play there a couple of years ago, in fact they're restaging the play we saw, and there were of bunch of glossy photographs of it, which gave me an instant flashback to a very shtty night.  Good news is that lasted about a minute and into the trash it went.

Granted that's not much compared to your situation.  There are two schools of thought: one is go about your life the way you want to, defiantly, taking your power back, and create the strength necessary to deal with any remnants of the ex that show up.  The other school is take care of yourself first regardless, and if you need to distance yourself to heal, and that includes not doing things or going places you enjoy for a while, then so be it, and one cool thing about that is we value things we lose and then get back more than we would otherwise.  It's about taking care of yourself in the best way possible based on where you are, honestly, today.  Take care of you!