Easter

[maemo]

Warning - this is a long post! A brief summary of my situation is that my mother is undiagnosed BPD and my father is possibly narcissistic, but at the least, we can say, very emotionally neglectful.

My husband and I had invited my mother for Easter - we had invited her to come Saturday night and spend the night and easter Sunday (during the day) with us. We bought everything, told her she didn't have to bring anything, and were generally trying to be accommodating and inviting. She had kept pushing & pushing to come Friday (she commonly pushes to extend visits) even though we had repeatedly told her we would be busy. This was over the course of 2 weeks preceding Easter, and can be read about in another post I wrote here. My father said he couldn't come because "he works" - his common refrain to avoid having to spend time with his family. He also told us that he would be working on Saturday and Sunday. He's generally always unavailable unless he sets the terms and plans an occasion. My mother pushed until I finally asserted my boundaries and then she sobbed, got angry, did her normal tantrum.

I felt really empowered by holding firm with her but then kind of blew it because later I had called her about my brother and father, crying, because they ignore me, don't reciprocate and generally de-prioritize me to the point I feel like crap. I hadn't called her with the intention of talking about it - I actually called her to ask when she would be leaving on Saturday, but then I ended up telling her about it and crying, which was not a good thing to do, because I can't trust her and she's not a source of comfort for me. I just basically had a breakdown because my father and brother aren't in my life, and my main abuser, my mom, is just too much in my life. And it just got to me, and I had a really big moment of weakness and repeated old patterns, and ugh... .just not good of me. The only good thing is I was able to acknowledge to myself that I shouldn't have done that. My mom is actually happy that my brother and dad don't have good relationships with me, even though she pretends otherwise. It's really sick.

So my mother came yesterday and everything was just ok, but as always, I felt like things were about to blow up at any second. It seemed to me like she kept flaunting certain things about my dad in front of my face. Like she kept saying, "Lately you dad just cracks up when I say this... ." or "Your father texted me this '... ."". Then she also told me that he took off work on Friday to take her out to breakfast. I asked her, "Is this because you were so upset about not being able to come here Friday?" (Which, I know it was! Because she will sob to him until she gets her way.) Then she goes, "No, I wasn't upset about that." I said, "Really? Because you were crying about it on the phone." And she goes, "Oh. I was just tired." ... .wow. Classic Mom. It was just interesting to me, that 2 days after I called her, and had been crying about how I feel like I didn't have a relationship with my father, she started flaunting her relationship with him.

Then, Sunday morning (this morning), I woke up and was eating breakfast. She first pretended like she didn't know how to boil water and literally asked me how to use a kettle. This is another annoying aspect of her - she always acts like she's 5 years old and needs everyone to do everything for her. So then, we were talking, and she told me, "Your father is never going to be able to stay here because it's too light in this house at night and he'll never be able to sleep on that air mattress. We'd have to use your bed if we both came here." Now, my father frequently makes plans with me and cancels, if he makes plans at all, and he hasn't been to my house EVER... .I've lived on my own for years, and he's never visited me where I live. So the fact that he is supposed to come over for Thanksgiving later in the year meant a lot for me, and my mom KNOWS I am nervous he will cancel. So for her to open in the morning with that comment really struck a nerve. I started to get upset, and she had this calm look on her face, and I could just see that she was getting enjoyment from it. Has anyone else ever encountered this? Like you know they are getting some weird satisfaction out of pushing buttons? So I told her that they were NOT going to sleep in my bed, that my father hadn't visited me ever, and that if they can't handle a different sleeping arrangement, then they'll have to get a hotel room. Then my mom got this tone of voice she used to use when I was a child, and she said, "Knock it off!"

Well, here's where therapy has helped. I was able to say, ":)on't you ever say 'knock it off' to me." I must have said it pretty firmly, because she immediately got up and, like usual, started screaming that she was going to just leave then. Interesting how that works. She started stomping around, throwing her usual tantrum, yelling, and waking up my husband. I told her I didn't think she had to leave because we were just having a disagreement. Then she said, "Well you shouldn't talk to your mother like that!" I said, "Like how?" And she said, "You're scolding at me and yelling at me." Interestingly, she was screaming and I wasn't. I said, "You're the one who is screaming. And mother or not, no one is going to yell at me." I told her, "Just because you can't control the conversation doesn't mean you need to start yelling and acting like that." Then she started really screaming and said she has no control over anything. I said, "Oh you have more control than you pretend." Then she got quiet. I said, "I'm not going to be yelled at. I'm not going to be told to knock it off. And I'm not going to be emotionally played with." Then she got quiet and sulky, and said she would stay. I told her I didn't want her to stay, but she sat in a chair and moped. It was really stressful! I really wanted her to leave.

Things simmered for a bit, and then she started up with the "your father just texted me... ." stuff.

My husband also said that when they went for a walk, she was talking about my brother. My mom always pitted my brother and me against each other, and I grew out of it, but my brother has always been resentful of me, unfortunately. I'll call him, send him birthday presents, try to connect, and he ignores me, or says rude things to me. The last was on my birthday, he didn't call and neither did his wife, and they both said they forgot, but it was clear they didn't. Then he said he would call later, but never did, and avoided my calls. Stuff like that. It's toxic, too.

Okay, and one last thing, I hate how she copies everything I do! She saw that I started gardening, and she decided she is going to start gardening.  She makes it so that I always feel invaded. I had penpals and then she got penpals. I hate it. And most of all, I just hate how she's made our family some toxic web, & how she likes to brew chaos and have people dislike each other in her own family.

Okay, this wasn't the most eloquent post, but I needed to write all of this down. I don't want to see her again for a long time.

Oh and... .by the way, my father actually had off today and yesterday, but just didn't want to come, as usual. My mom made sure to tell us that this morning.

[clljhns]

  maemo,

Ugh! Holidays can be so stressful with family! I am so sorry that you did not have the time with your family as you had hoped.   I can recount many family holiday get-togethers that resulted in the same scenario, so I know how you feel.

I am glad that you felt comfortable to share your story here. I don't have any words of wisdom, just a   and to let you know that we understand and are here for you!

What are your plans for the next family get-together? Have you thought about how you will handle mom's barbs?

Wishing you all the best. 

[claudiaduffy]

Maemo,

GOOD WORK on staying calm and minimally confronting without blowing up. That is awesome! I'm sorry you had to do it, but so glad you were able to keep those boundaries in place under attack like that.

[oceaneyes]

I just finished a dreaded easter visit as well with my mom (see my intro post for details on that, ugh).

My mother copies me as well, I've always though it was strange, but everyone else thinks it's "cute." She follows my interests to the point that I feel stalked. If I wear a certain scent she will buy it. During her easter visit she confessed to me that she bought a fragrance that I wear and sprays it around her house so she can "feel closer" to me. That statement really creeped me out. She also kept trying to smell my hair and is constantly trying to touch me (something I've told her before that I don't like). I have gauged ears and a few years ago she bought faux gauged earrings to wear.

Is copying a common trait of BPD? I always thought it was exclusive to my mom and just part of her idolization of certain people.

She follows all my old high school friends on Facebook (I'm 29 yo), she also follows my SIL and likes and comments on all her photos and sends care packages for my niece to her. This is particularly troubling because my MIL and I suspect my SIL is also BPD as she has shown similar traits to my mother.

[maemo]

 maemo,

Ugh! Holidays can be so stressful with family! I am so sorry that you did not have the time with your family as you had hoped.   I can recount many family holiday get-togethers that resulted in the same scenario, so I know how you feel.

I am glad that you felt comfortable to share your story here. I don't have any words of wisdom, just a   and to let you know that we understand and are here for you!

What are your plans for the next family get-together? Have you thought about how you will handle mom's barbs?

Wishing you all the best. 

Hi Clljhns,

Thank you for your response, and for your support. To answer your question, I honestly don't know how I am going to get through the next holiday get-together. It's just not worth the stress, the energy, etc. Even when I do assert my boundaries and protect myself, I still end up thinking about the incident for a long time afterwards, and there's just way too much that has been left unresolved between me and my parents. :/ They want to be together on the holidays, but they also want me to live in denial and to follow their program, which I am not OK with anymore. It's tough! How do you handle holidays and get-togethers?

[maemo]

Maemo,

GOOD WORK on staying calm and minimally confronting without blowing up. That is awesome! I'm sorry you had to do it, but so glad you were able to keep those boundaries in place under attack like that.

Hi Claudiaduffy,

Thank you so much for your support!

[maemo]

I just finished a dreaded easter visit as well with my mom (see my intro post for details on that, ugh).

My mother copies me as well, I've always though it was strange, but everyone else thinks it's "cute." She follows my interests to the point that I feel stalked. If I wear a certain scent she will buy it. During her easter visit she confessed to me that she bought a fragrance that I wear and sprays it around her house so she can "feel closer" to me. That statement really creeped me out. She also kept trying to smell my hair and is constantly trying to touch me (something I've told her before that I don't like). I have gauged ears and a few years ago she bought faux gauged earrings to wear.

Is copying a common trait of BPD? I always thought it was exclusive to my mom and just part of her idolization of certain people.

She follows all my old high school friends on Facebook (I'm 29 yo), she also follows my SIL and likes and comments on all her photos and sends care packages for my niece to her. This is particularly troubling because my MIL and I suspect my SIL is also BPD as she has shown similar traits to my mother.

Hi Oceaneyes,

I do believe the copying is a trait of BPDs - it must be an extension of their "mirroring" and their not having firm identities. My mother has been doing it all my life. It sounds like yours has, too! I've read that it can be more prevalent with BPD mothers and their daughters, than with it is with BPD mothers and their sons.

I agree with you that it's uncomfortable and sometimes creepy.

Also I can relate to you about Facebook. I love technology, but wow does it ever create another method for toxic people to enter our lives... .I still haven't figured out what to do with my mom and FB. She has to like and comment on everything I post, and it's always as if she and I are super close. It sickens me. I don't want her to call me beautiful or say she loves me publicly because it's hollow and manipulative. Have you thought about blocking her on FB? I've considered it, but haven't made up my mind yet.

[oceaneyes]

Even before I suspected she might be uBPD I knew I would never accept her friend request on Facebook. I just knew it was not something I was prepared to deal with. Since she can't access my page (I made my profile very very private except for some pictures) she just follows my old high school friends and my husband and his family. She sends messages and posts on my old high school friends' walls as if they're her friends. She has more contact with them than I do.

It sickens me. I don't want her to call me beautiful or say she loves me publicly because it's hollow and manipulative.

Same here. She posts things like that and will tag my husband (I'm assuming to make sure I will see it) and steal pictures of me from his page to post how "proud" of me she is and how beautiful I am. It's really just attention seeking and she has plenty of clueless friends who respond with "wow, she looks just like you" and I know she eats it up. It's not at all a move to show me how proud she is, it's for her to post how proud she is of herself and to get praise for it. I've considered asking my husband to at least restrict her access to his page but I feel like maybe that's unfair of me to ask?

[clljhns]

Hi maemo,

They want to be together on the holidays, but they also want me to live in denial and to follow their program, which I am not OK with anymore. It's tough! How do you handle holidays and get-togethers?

I have many stories about holidays with my FOO. I won't go into to details now, but I found them to be very stressful. I think mostly because I had an image of what I thought it should look like, and the reality of what I had. I wish I had know about this site many years ago so that I could have received support and the communication tools to help me navigate contact with my FOO.

I have been NC for many years now, so I don't have the opportunity at the moment to try out these skills. What do you think would help you the most when you have the family get-togethers?

Wishing you all the best.