Look BOTH ways when you cross the road

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I had a conversation a few months back with a friend who was utterly baffled at me when we were together in a club. She knew my exBPDw and that we had broken up and she was asking me what I was looking for should I find another woman. In my response to the question I only managed to give her a list of what I can bring to the relationship. She tried putting the question another way and again I could not communicate to her a single thing that I needed, or wanted, or would like, or would be a necessity for the woman to bring to the relationship, only what I should bring.

I would guess we're all a good deal similar just a few degrees away from another along a spectrum and that many of us are totally staring off to the left, not imaging for one minute that we have value and worth and instead of feeling like we're at a job interview that SHE is at the job interview and you need to be listing the qualities you want to see.

Had I ever listed those qualities, apart from being nice looking, my ex wouldn't have fit a single one (if I could come up with a list).

Can you come up with 10 qualities a partner should be bringing to your life? Without exception.

[Trog]

I had a conversation a few months back with a friend who was utterly baffled at me when we were together in a club. She knew my exBPDw and that we had broken up and she was asking me what I was looking for should I find another woman. In my response to the question I only managed to give her a list of what I can bring to the relationship. She tried putting the question another way and again I could not communicate to her a single thing that I needed, or wanted, or would like, or would be a necessity for the woman to bring to the relationship, only what I should bring.

I would guess we're all a good deal similar just a few degrees away from another along a spectrum and that many of us are totally staring off to the left, not imaging for one minute that we have value and worth and instead of feeling like we're at a job interview that SHE is at the job interview and you need to be listing the qualities you want to see.

Had I ever listed those qualities, apart from being nice looking, my ex wouldn't have fit a single one (if I could come up with a list).

Can you come up with 10 qualities a partner should be bringing to your life? Without exception.

[Pingo]

Hi Trog, if it is difficult to come up with 'qualities' you are looking for, I suggest you do some 'values' work.  Shortly after my ex and I split, I did an exercise. I googled 'values list' which brought up a list of 400 values. I went through them and ticked off the ones I considered important to me and then chose the most important ones and these were my 'core values'. When I finished doing this exercise I realised that I had not been living my values and my uBPDexh didn't have ANY of my core values! This was actually quite shocking to me and a huge wake-up call!  No wonder I was so miserable in the r/s! I wasn't being true to myself at all!  I decided right then and there that I was going to live my life with integrity and always keep my values at the forefront of my mind. This has helped me so much. I think of it like my moral compass. It guides me to make healthy decisions.  So instead of thinking of specific qualities that you are looking for, perhaps you could concentrate on what values you want a partner to bring to the r/s. 

[Wood stock]

Great advice from my therapist: create a grocery list of the qualities you want in a partner. Next... .create a list of the things you refuse to accept in your "grocery cart." And finally, never ever ever going shopping when you're "starving" (lonely/desperate)... .you will end up with a bunch of crap in your dating "cart" that you don't need and that aren't good for you.

Seriously, he made me sit down and literally make a list. Some qualities in a partner are negotiable; some things are not. Decide what those are (like the brand name of my pasta is negotiable; but my chicken noodle soup has to be Campbell's)... .

Then stick to your list. Period.

[letmeout]

Thank you so much for this suggestion!

I didn't have a list the first time and I ended up with just a lot of crap in my cart, most of it rotten.

I am going to make my list now!  

[Pingo]

Great advice from my therapist: create a grocery list of the qualities you want in a partner. Next... .create a list of the things you refuse to accept in your "grocery cart." And finally, never ever ever going shopping when you're "starving" (lonely/desperate)... .you will end up with a bunch of crap in your dating "cart" that you don't need and that aren't good for you.

Seriously, he made me sit down and literally make a list. Some qualities in a partner are negotiable; some things are not. Decide what those are (like the brand name of my pasta is negotiable; but my chicken noodle soup has to be Campbell's)... .

Then stick to your list. Period.

This is great advise! Never go shopping when you're starving... .so true!

Something that was posted here a couple months back:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6wG_sAdP0U

I know this thread isn't about online dating specifically but she goes so far as creating a spreadsheet of the qualities she wanted! Goes at things in a total analytical way as that is who she is. It's pretty funny and might give you some things to consider.

[Grey Kitty]

I think I might make a couple lists.

One list is a list of values. My top values need to be shared by my partner. That isn't negotiable. (loyalty, honesty, generosity are a few of mine, without thinking about it)

Another list would be characteristics; I'd probably be willing to compromise on nearly any of them, but don't expect or need all of them. (Being smart, attractive, decent with money, having good taste in music, not watching TV, not smoking, are a few  random ones. This list would probably get quite a bit longer.)

[sun seeker]

 Hey all.

 First no pds,  loving,  honest,  loyal,  caring , healthy boundaries,  respectful , morals in check  understanding,   willingness to communicate civaly,  hardworking, level headed, selfishness in check, non judgmental,  willing to put forth the same effort I do to have our r/s work,   and last but certainly not least they need to understand that you get into an r/s to ENHANCE your life, NO ONE OR NOTHING except YOU can make YOU happy.

There are certainly more but these are first to come to mind.  Funny how  my dexBPDgf had none of these qualities.   How times have changed.