How to respond to BPD MIL suicide attempt

[Neanderloid]

Hi there everyone.

This is my first thread.

My mother in law is difficult. My thearapist suspects she has BPD, I wasn't sure about that, until she made a suicidal gesture on Friday that resulted in her admission to the ER. She attempted to overdose on pills: she took OTC sleep aids and prescription slep aids. Her husband called her from work to check in with her and realized what had happened. The. He called 911. Her episode was triggered by a fight they had where they discussed divorce, and he left for work.

Physically, she is going to be OK. The hospital kept for for 24 hours for observation. Unfortunately, she will not be hospitalized in a physiatrist hospital. Her husband (fil) does not think she needs help. She does not think she needs help. FIL insists this incident happened because she had a bad reaction to her antidepressants (celexa). This is her first suicide attempt that we know about. Her behavior has been really intense in the past 6 months. She's demonstrated a lot of BPD traits in that time (clinginess, paranoia, narcessism, rage, vacillating emotions and childish behavior. I never noticed this stuff before. (I've known her for 8 years). She's 49-can BPD just suddenly happen or intensify?

I'm having my first baby in 3 weeks and I  not sure how to handle this. I am not confortable being around her anymore. Her behavior is very stressful. I don't want her babysitting because she needs supervision around a baby. I'm worried the family is gonna gaslight and insist that she needs the baby to make her feel happy again, and I don't want my son in that position. I don't really wanna deal with her right now because the drama is too stressful. What do you folks rex come d I do to help protect myself and my newborn son from her intrusion and stress it causes?

Also, she's emotionally abusive, boundry stomping and intrusive. I have tried to talk with her about it, but she doesn't get it and continues with problem behaviors. The family is very emeshed and enabling. My husband is on the same page as me, but he is just as frustrated. They listen to him even less than me. They live very close (20 mins away). All the family is close and there is a lot of flying monkey behavior that goes on. We're both feeling overwhelmed and just want some space from all the drama and neediness right now. Thanks for your time and advise!

[Turkish]

Hello Neanderloid,

Congratulations on your new baby. Childrens are gifts  

It's good that your husband is on the same page as you. He grew up in the family, however, and it may fall on you to provide leadership in this. Trust your gut. Neither you nor her son are responsible for her feelings. A newborn most certainly not. My thought on her not needing help?   She's diagnosed with a mental illness (depression). She was hospitalized due to a recent suicide attempt... While there's nothing wrong with showing compassion or mercy, your H and your baby are your primary family. She doesn't sound stable enough to babysit unsupervised.

It may be hard to have her involved in childcare, but it may not be necessary to keep her entirely out of the loop at this point. We have many resources to help communicate with pwBPD (people with BPD), and learning the tools can help while you assess what's safe and what's not. Here is a start:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Turkish

[RobinWriter]

  Congratulations on the baby, Neanderloid!

This is my first time commenting on someone else's post and I really don't feel qualified to advise anyone about anything because I don't know that I'm handling my own situation that well, but I just have to say your baby isn't a wellness tool for your MIL and shouldn't be treated that way by anyone. It sounds to me like your husband's family wants to use the baby as a pacifier or a distraction for her, and it won't work--at least not for long. Your first responsibility (yours and your husband's) is to the baby, and that means not leaving him/her in the care of anyone you feel might be unsafe. That includes your MIL.

As far as developing BPD later in life, my mother did a lot of self-medicating, and she was also very determined not to visit the same kind of misery on my sister and me that her mother did on her, so I didn't suspect BPD until she was well into her 50's. I knew she battled private demons, and that she couldn't have a healthy relationship with a man, and that she'd been raised by a very scary woman (Grammy certainly scared me and made me feel bad about myself when I was with her), and that she'd relied heavily on me all her life, but it wasn't until after I had kids and Mom began to focus on me as the cause of her unhappiness that I finally realized all her problems added up to something larger. I started looking for help online about 15 years ago and was stunned to see a book title that described exactly what I was dealing with from her. It was called I Hate You--Don't Leave Me. Seriously, I was flabbergasted. Someone had actually written a book about my mother?

When I read it, I began to put together the puzzle pieces of Mom's condition that I'd formerly attributed to bad self-esteem--the repeated unplanned pregnancies (I was one of them), the promiscuity and serial bad relationships, the drugs and alcohol, the suicide threats and attempt, the bad decisions and self-defeating behaviors, the perpetual victim mindset, and the growing paranoia... .It all fit. But her symptoms have definitely gotten worse over the last twenty years. A LOT worse. 

Oh, and my mother also has bad reactions to antidepressants and antianxiety meds--paradoxical reactions that magnify her negative feelings and exacerbate her BPD behaviors. It's frustrating because she doesn't trust doctors or mental health professionals (her paranoia is pretty severe) and medications don't work, so she's receiving no treatment at all right now.

But anyway, I agree that you and your husband need to define boundaries with her and stick to them, especially when it comes to the baby.