exuBPDgf, a new girl and the power of rebound relationships

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So, I just wanted to make few considerations about rebound relationships and how they affect differently the minds of our exBPDs and ours.

Just to give some context: my exBPDgf dumped me just before New Year (well, the thing was somehow mutual, but then I wanted to continue the relationship, while she detached gradually and permanently throughout the whole January).

She got into a new, serious relationship - IN FRONT of my eyes (an extreme form of triangulation I guess, read my first post if you want to know the story) - the 1st of February and we are N/C since 6 weeks (the N/C was basically enforced by me when she defriended me on Facebook and blocked me in Whatsapp unilaterally... .probably in order to focus solely on her new bf; also, I noticed she lifted up the block in whatsapp 2 weeks later, but she didn't contact me, and neither I did).

What I noticed about her rebound relationship is that, again, she felt in love immediately with the new guy and she was (and probably still is) idealizing the guy big, BIG time. Nothing new anyway, I observed the same BPD-schema applied it to me, with the only difference that she was not coming from an ongoing relationship or a gradual detachment: as we know, they usually establish a new relationship in order to avoid the pain that comes with grieving a recently ended relationship.

For my part, until the end of March i was completely absorbed by the grieving process. Still, I think to still be between the 4th and 5th stage of this process. I still frequently check her FB page in order to see any eventual update, so I guess there's still stuff ongoing in my mind. And sometimes I still hope that she will break the no contact in the future, in the hope that we may be able to establish a friendship, since she's high-functioning and has lots of qualities.

Anyway, in the very last days I knew a very cute, charming and interesting non-BPD girl, and we kissed each other. She doesn't have all the plethora of red flags I've noticed with my exBPDgf since the beginning, so I hope this will be a good girl

Straigth to the point: what I'm observing now is that, even though I'm still coping with the grieving process, rebound relationships has a BIG power even for us nons, in the sense that they greatly help to alleviate the pain and relieve the obsessive thoughts about our exBPDgfs/bfs.

However, what I notice, also, is that the grieving process is still actively ongoing in my mind, even if it seems much easier to cope with now. I'm curios to see what will happen in the next weeks.

I suppose this processing, in the mind of my exBPDgf, is locked somewhere OR it is processed subconsciously or in spurts when something triggers them.

What do you think?

[Fr4nz]

So, I just wanted to make few considerations about rebound relationships and how they affect differently the minds of our exBPDs and ours.

Just to give some context: my exBPDgf dumped me just before New Year (well, the thing was somehow mutual, but then I wanted to continue the relationship, while she detached gradually and permanently throughout the whole January).

She got into a new, serious relationship - IN FRONT of my eyes (an extreme form of triangulation I guess, read my first post if you want to know the story) - the 1st of February and we are N/C since 6 weeks (the N/C was basically enforced by me when she defriended me on Facebook and blocked me in Whatsapp unilaterally... .probably in order to focus solely on her new bf; also, I noticed she lifted up the block in whatsapp 2 weeks later, but she didn't contact me, and neither I did).

What I noticed about her rebound relationship is that, again, she felt in love immediately with the new guy and she was (and probably still is) idealizing the guy big, BIG time. Nothing new anyway, I observed the same BPD-schema applied it to me, with the only difference that she was not coming from an ongoing relationship or a gradual detachment: as we know, they usually establish a new relationship in order to avoid the pain that comes with grieving a recently ended relationship.

For my part, until the end of March i was completely absorbed by the grieving process. Still, I think to still be between the 4th and 5th stage of this process. I still frequently check her FB page in order to see any eventual update, so I guess there's still stuff ongoing in my mind. And sometimes I still hope that she will break the no contact in the future, in the hope that we may be able to establish a friendship, since she's high-functioning and has lots of qualities.

Anyway, in the very last days I knew a very cute, charming and interesting non-BPD girl, and we kissed each other. She doesn't have all the plethora of red flags I've noticed with my exBPDgf since the beginning, so I hope this will be a good girl

Straigth to the point: what I'm observing now is that, even though I'm still coping with the grieving process, rebound relationships has a BIG power even for us nons, in the sense that they greatly help to alleviate the pain and relieve the obsessive thoughts about our exBPDgfs/bfs.

However, what I notice, also, is that the grieving process is still actively ongoing in my mind, even if it seems much easier to cope with now. I'm curios to see what will happen in the next weeks.

I suppose this processing, in the mind of my exBPDgf, is locked somewhere OR it is processed subconsciously or in spurts when something triggers them.

What do you think?

[CloseToFreedom]

I think you should do what you think is best for you, but its different for everyone. As for myself: been out of the relationship with the BPDex since december 2014 after 4,5 years of recycling. She had a replacement in a month and is still doing the whole idealization thing.

Now, I'm still grieving after 4 months but its finally starting to get a bit better, and I'm dating someone else now. I agree in that it helps. Its always nice to do fun things with someone and have someone to talk to and share things with. But you have to be careful. When you are single, you can work on yourself, on your boundaries, on being happy alone. You should watch out that you are not dating someone else just because you have co-dependent issues and need someone to lean on.

Its often difficult to know for sure why you are hanging out with someone new, I'm not even sure myself. Im not saying stop doing it, and I agree in that it can help (while I still grieve, just like you), Im saying to be careful for yourself and to really think things over right now. Also watch out that you don't hurt a healthy human being in the process, because at this point in our lives we are (and have the right to be) very selfish.

[Fr4nz]

I think you should do what you think is best for you, but its different for everyone. As for myself: been out of the relationship with the BPDex since december 2014 after 4,5 years of recycling. She had a replacement in a month and is still doing the whole idealization thing.

Now, I'm still grieving after 4 months but its finally starting to get a bit better, and I'm dating someone else now. I agree in that it helps. Its always nice to do fun things with someone and have someone to talk to and share things with. But you have to be careful. When you are single, you can work on yourself, on your boundaries, on being happy alone. You should watch out that you are not dating someone else just because you have co-dependent issues and need someone to lean on.

Its often difficult to know for sure why you are hanging out with someone new, I'm not even sure myself. Im not saying stop doing it, and I agree in that it can help (while I still grieve, just like you), Im saying to be careful for yourself and to really think things over right now. Also watch out that you don't hurt a healthy human being in the process, because at this point in our lives we are (and have the right to be) very selfish.

Yes you're absolutely right when you say that we need to bring on and solve our unfinished stuff and, most importantly, not hurt another human being, i.e., not exploit them to solve our problems. I'll try to be as much careful as possible in this sense.

[4Years5Months]

Hi Fr4nz,

It’s amazing how much your current situation mirrors mine.  I DID read your original account, and it differs from my ex (no two relationships are the same) but what you are currently going through is very similar to me.

My ex dumped me for the seventh time in mid-February.  We had gone on a great vacation to New York in December, and I guess that was too good of a time for her to handle, as she began to detach from me about a week after we returned.  We had a BIG argument about her behavior toward me in mid-January, and I was ready to end the relationship at that point.  I wish I had.  But, I didn’t want to make an emotional decision, so I told her I was leaving her alone for a week, hoping she would snap out of it.  Instead, her abandonment fear became even greater, and it was worse when I reestablished contact.

She did just enough to draw me back in, and cut the cord the day after Valentine’s Day, which we didn’t spend together.  I attempted to text her under the guise of a friendship in early March, and she very sternly told me we couldn’t communicate…….right now.  She said she hoped that someday we could be friends, and I didn’t push it any further.  Three days later, she went public with my replacement on Facebook, a co-worker she had spent months (I believe honestly) devaluing to me, but he became “gorgeous” as my replacement.  I was crushed that she would choose to replace me, and crushed that she chose THAT guy.  I started seeing a therapist.

Last week, I heard rumblings from mutual friends (she unfriended me right after breaking up) that she had posted about an emotional weekend where she cried, fought, got little sleep, and was exhausted.  I know she meant fighting with my replacement.  She started liking comments I had left on the Facebook posts of mutual friends.  I braced for her to contact me, and nothing happened.  I found out yesterday that she’s posting photos of her and my replacement left and right as if everything is wonderful again.  I truly feel that she was trying to get me to contact her to set up triangulation, and when I didn’t, she swam back to Mr. Replacement Island.

It has been about a month NC (about 50 days if you take out my brief text exchange with her), and I’m still in the fog as you are.  I have been seeing a girl who is the same age as my ex (25) but has accomplished so much, and holds a professional political position (not elected, support) in our city.  She is kind, sweet, and we have hung out a couple of times.  We are hanging out again tomorrow.  I find myself adjusting to a girl that isn’t texting me all day, every day, doesn’t have to lean on me for support, and seems content with her life.  And there is no love bombing and sex right off the bat like with my ex.

I was my ex’s first boyfriend and sexual partner, so I can’t compare myself to any previous relationships.  But I have been replaced three times now, and both previous times I was recycled after I broke NC.  I’m not doing it again.  I DO want to get to a friendship point with her because like your ex, she’s smart, funny, and well read, but she is incredibly toxic.  All three replacements were naive guys who wanted a girlfriend - two college classmates, and the current guy was just dumped by his wife.  The hardest part for me is trying not to look at her Facebook (everything set to friends only, but I can see when she changes her photos) or her Instagram (public).  She hasn’t posted anything public about my replacement.  I’m not sure why I keep looking.

The girl I am dating deserves someone who doesn’t dwell on his ex.  I certainly don’t talk about her in front of this new girl, but I need to give New Girl my attention.  I want it to be a relationship that stands on its own, not as a rebound.  I think I’m doing that.  Like you, it sure feels good to have someone to spend time with that isn’t my dog.  I’ve been told by several people (including my therapist) that I shouldn’t be dating right now.  But I feel like that is what will get me out of the fog.  And I’m not dating her to get over my ex.  I like her for her - truly.  The only way I can do that is allowing MYSELF to get over her.