BPD manipulation and isolation.

[Meatball/88]

My SO does not like my closest friend. At all. She tells me that she(my friend) isn't really my friend that she is using me to get something from me. Which makes zero sense I have nothing over my friend. My SO says she feels like I'm being taken away from her and she's happy my friendshipbis fleeting. She raises three kinds of hell when I say I'm going to visits friend. My SO basically stalks me when I'm out of her sight asking where I  when I will be home etc. Uncontrolable rage is witnessed I have been told to choose either my SO or friend. She will cry and cry for me to stay and ask why I'm picking someone over her. Why don't I want to spend time with her.

Anyone else had this experience? If you have please share what you did.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Aurylian]

Totally.  Yes, yes and yes.

My logic: after you ditch this friend, then what is next?  Your other friends?  Hobbies?  I had to decide what was important to me and commit to keeping those things.  One of the most important for nons is our healthy friendships.  Having these friendships help keep us strong and balanced.

In my case it was a running friend.  Unfortunately what made it more difficult was that she was cute and nice.  She was married and we both kept very good boundaries as neither one of us wanted to mess things up for both of us.  But, my BPDw was on me daily, complaining, inquiring, throwing fits.  I reassured her that nothing was going on and tried to do larger group runs when I could, but refused to blow off the friendship.  When she complained about me spending time doing something else I would try and probe what the real issue was.  Often it wasn't really about my spending time with friends and she does too.  Most of the time it was a combination of fear of abandonment and fear that good people in my life would make my wife look worse.

Lesson learned: If you are firm with your position on your friend and are loving to your SO, the whining will reduce greatly (maybe not totally though).

You likely will have to have a mantra to repeat.  "We have discussed my friendship with ___ before.  She is my friend and I will continue to do things with her on occasion.  Is there anything else you want to talk about?"

On an unrelated note, my BPDw has wanted to put tracking software on my phone for years even though I have never cheated.  In a healthy relationship I could see this being a convenience and have no problem with it.  However, in our relationship my BPDw would spend half her day checking to see where I was at any given moment.  She has tried every kind of emo blackmail on me multiple times, but I have had to be firm, but loving in my response.  It still comes up about once every two months, but it used to be weekly and the current conversations are very short: "We have discussed how I feel about being tracked.  Would you like to talk about something else?"

[jannieslosthope]

I have definitely experienced this but from a male spouse. I am assuming that you and Aurylian are men. from a female perspective... .some women are insecure or immature, especially if the have been cheated on in past relationships so the behavior you describe could come from those basic emotions but adding the BPD you have it times ten. That doesn't make it ok by any means, one should deal with those issues before entering a new relationship. Mine was a bit different, I worked in a predominantly male field when I met my spouse. I had tons of female and male friends... .But... .By year five and a half all of them have been weeded done to one to none because he said it was inappropriate for me to be talking to any men or going for drinks with the girls because I am disrespecting him as his wife. Yet my BPDh had many new constant budding friendships with women he works with or on facebook. Kept all contact to work email and facebook, never used his phone or text and never made it a point to introduce me to them. Shady. When I would ask how they were or what's new he would immediately go into a rage saying that none of that is my business and his friends mean more to him than anything. So I stopped asking. After he left a few weeks ago to jail for DV I found tons of messages to his "friends" that were all very sexual in nature. Go figure... .So maybe their rage, stalking and retarded behavior is because that's what they are doing so it's natural for them to think that's what we would do... So off base.

[Meatball/88]

Yeah my friends slowly withered away too. At one point I don't think I any that I could rely on period. SO always ask why can't you hang out with so and so and I want to tell her because I lost complete contact with that person. I was proud of myself for not backing down when she threatened and raged about how she hated my friend. She claims the hate is over my friends poor life choices and I explain over and over that her life choices have nothing to do with our friendship and doesnt effect my life either. I think she is so insecure over her own guilty actions that she projects them on my relationships.

Side note

SO is also jealous of my sister. She claims my sister is so pretty its intimidating. Whenever my sister comes over SO just locks herself in the bedroom until my company leaves. Which I thought was so disrespectful. She practically forces me to see her family and they want to burn me at the stake. No telling what she has told them.

[Aurylian]

I am assuming that you and Aurylian are men.

You're half right.   

I think the logic applies either way though.  Elimination of friends and family members who support the non is a great way to isolate them.  I don't think the pwBPD plans this, but it is very common.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

Most of the time it was a combination of fear of abandonment and fear that good people in my life would make my wife look worse.

I get this all the time.  It doesn't even have to be real people.  If my uBPDw walks into the room and I'm reading a book that either 1. is written by a woman or 2. the main character is a woman you can see her stiffen up and I'm in for a night of snide comments that she wished her life was interesting enough to be in a book... .